True Blood’s Sam Trammell is on Twitter

May 28, 2010

True Blood‘s Sam Trammell has finally joined the Twitter world and now True Blood fans can follow him at @SamTrammell.  We can officially confirm that it is the real Sam Trammell.  So follow one of Bon Temps‘ nicest and lovable shapeshifter and if you tweet to him we know it will be a real treat if he tweets back to you!

(Photo credit:  IMDb.com)

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True Blood’s Sam Trammell on Jimmy Kimmel Live

May 28, 2010

Sam Trammell who plays the sweet and lovable, Sam Merlotte on Alan Ball‘s hit HBO TV vampire series True Blood will be on Jimmy Kimmel Live on Friday, June 4, 2010 at 12:05am EST/11:05pm CST on the ABC network along with Kathy Griffin and the Deftones. So set your DVR because you do not want to miss seeing Sam!

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc.)

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Joe Manganiello on 100 Questions Tonight

May 27, 2010

True Blood fans will have to wait a couple of more weeks before seeing Joe Manganiello as werewolf Alcide Herveaux, but in the meantime you can catch him tonight on the new NBC’s comedy “100 Questionspremiering tonight, Thursday, May 27, 2010 at 9:30pm. Joe will be playing the role of Rick.

100 Questions” is a comedy about “a young woman navigating life with friends in New York.”Charlotte Payne (played by British actress Sophie Winkleman) begins each episode being asked a question at a dating service, which then “segues into that episode’s storyline.”

SOURCES:

wikipedia.org

cinemablend.com

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Bon Temps Tattler: Sookie Stackhouse Letter to the Editor

May 27, 2010

Okay first and foremost I have been a reader of this fine paper for quite some time now and I simply cannot believe how it has now been turned into nothing but a sleezy gossip rag ever since this MADV debate came about!  How dare you Mrs. Fortenberry! Since when have you become the Bon Temps expert on dating much less Vampire dating.  I mean seriously, with all due respect, when was the last time you even went on a date?  You wouldn’t know what love was unless it came in a bag that said Frito-Lay.

As most you folks know,  I tend to speak my mind. However, Gran always taught me there’s a time and a place for everything so I’ve been holding my tongue. ‘Course, if Gran were alive and saw this MADV hogwash, she would agree now’s the time to speak out.  Honestly, I thought we all had changed since the time of the witch hunts or at least the civil war, but apparently I was dead wrong.  You call the vampires blood thirsty dead things that shouldn’t even be here?  You folks with your MADV Gossip Bee’s are far more blood thirsty than an ole vampire! All that’s missing from this little passion play are the white hoods, the torches and a few miles of rope. Y’all were running out of folks to hate and you latched onto vampires like an alcoholic craddlin’ their beer.  The vampire‘s have a right to be here just like the rest of us.  They used to have to drink human blood to survive but now they have stopped the killing and feeding off of humans.  That is unless we choose to let them feed on us, and from personal experience I can tell you, it’s A-MAZ-ing.  You really outta try it Mrs. Fortenberry.  You might just like it.

And as for the Bon Temps ‘Mother of the Year’, Mrs. Thornton.  Lord knows she has a lot nerve of throwing out scriptures like she really knows what they mean.  Mrs. Thornton, if Gran were alive today she would put you in your place right proper with a scripture or two of her own starting with Mathew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”.  Good luck with that, Mrs. Thornton, because now you have left yourself wide open.  And to even have the nerve to publicly put Miss Jeanette up on some pedestal after all she did to your very own daughter not to mention this town!  If not for you bringing her into Tara’s life in the first place, none of this would have happened and Eggs would probably still be alive today!  There’s not enough Hoe Cakes in the world to make up for what you have done. You know full well what happened to Miss Jeanette and the rest of the town had nothing to do with the vampires but was caused by Miss Jeanette foolishly calling out her Voo Doo demons to line her pockets with poor desperate folks hard earned money.  To use it as a tool for  MADV, now that’s just low, even for you.   You really did miss your callin’ as a politician (with apologies to Mayor Norris).

You, Mrs. Thornton, are so far from perfect you have no right to be throwing the first stone. Were you not the  one that held a shotgun on me and Lafayette and let Tara go right on back into the hands of that horrible Mary Ann Forester?  You knew what that woman might do to Tara because you saw it first hand!!! You should be ashamed of yourself Mrs. Thornton.  All to satisfy some selfish need you to ‘be there’ for Tara after all the years you were in the bottle when she needed you most. You still didn’t know how to be a mama and tell Tara ‘No!’ when she needed you to, to keep her safe.  But that’s really not so surprising, now is it?  After all, all Tara ever was to you was someone to wash you up after you threw up the last bottle of Vodka you were drinking, and slamming her right square in the head with it as you demanded she get you more.

You have no call to berate my brother Jason either.  If not for him protecting Tara when we were all kids, you would have killed her long ago.  And don’t you dare call me weak minded.  At least I didn’t have to spend my own daughter’s hard earned money to go conjure up spirits to save my drunken’ self!  What’s amusing is how you went so far as to make Lafayette and Tara members of MADV without even asking them.  You never cared what anyone else wanted any way.

As for you, Mrs. Fortenberry, you may condemn vampires, but I’ll have you know, Vampire Bill is the most wonderful man I have ever met and a perfect gentleman. Just his very polite response to your MADV movement is living proof of that.  As far as I’m concerned, he treated you with more respect then you deserve.  He has shown me nothing but love, loyalty and respect.  He has proven to me that what ya’ll think makes me strange is in fact a gift and something to be grateful for.  Vampires may be dead, but they can feel love just like anyone else.  I have seen this and felt this with my boyfriend Bill.  He makes me feel….human.  My Gran, God bless her soul, approved of him and now my brother Jason has finally come to his senses about Vampire Bill as well.  We’re just one big happy family now, so you and your little followers just better get used to it.  For once in my life I feel like I belong and am loved for who I am. I know what y’all are thinkin’, there’s that “Crazy Sookie Stackhouse, that girl just ain’t right, she ain’t nothin’ but a fangbangen slut, that girl” and worse things y’all should be ashamed of!

In closing, the only one I feel sorry for is your son Hoyt.  You really should think about his feelings and put your own aside.  Jessica is the same as any other teenage girl and needs to be guided and helped especially since she was made a vampire so young and against her will. You know, you could really be the mother she needs. You must have some mothering left in you, Hoyt turned out good, the Lord alone knows how.  She loves your son and he loves her.  So what if she wears red shoes and she is vampire, she is good for Hoyt and that is all that matters.    You could learn from your son right about now Mrs. FortenberryHoyt is much like my Vampire Bill.  He knows how to love someone for who they are.  In every parents life there comes the time to let their child go and respect their choices, it’s the only way to keep them close to your heart.

And now for my Word of the Day!!!

hog·wash

a noun

1. refuse given to hogs; swill.

2. any worthless stuff.

3. meaningless or insincere talk, writing, etc.; nonsense; bunk.

Funny how irony happens!

Oh, and before I forget, make sure ya’ll make it to *Wednesday night  All you can Eat Wings* night at Merlotte’s.  After all,  everyone knows  Sam has the best wings in the Parish.  See you then!

Sookie Stackhouse

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

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True Blood Season 3 Spoilers: 9 Points from Alan Ball

May 27, 2010

Season 3 of True Blood premieres Sunday, June 13 and it seems that Alan Ball is willing to share more spoilers with the fans. Alan discusses in detail nine points about the show that will have fans speculating and their anticipation for the show’s return reaching a fever pitch.

SPOILER ALERT DO NOT READ ANY FURTHER IT YOU DO NOT WANT TO KNOW!


As Alan has mentioned before don’t expect the characters to have a happily, ever after fairy tale story to it.

“Here’s the thing about happiness: It’s great in our lives, but it’s not really that interesting to watch on television.”

As Alan explains he feels that season 3 is going to be the best season up to now and that along with the great core cast, the addition of some new regulars and some guest spot appearances by notables such as Alfre Woodard, who will plays Lafayette‘s mother, it has been a fun and exciting season put together and he has high hope for it. Though he wasn’t willing to giveaway anything he did give nine spoiler points for fans to savor.

The Shifters and the Weres: Season 3 will introduce us to weres who we will discover may be different from shapeshifters but share some similarities.. This season we will be meeting several weres that will have significant storylines including werewolf Alcide Herveaux (Joe Manganiello), his ex-girlfriend were Debbie Pelt (Brit Morgan), and werewolves Coot (Grant Bowler) and Gus (Don Swayze). While Sam Merlotte (Sam Trammell) meets his biological family and gets to know his brother Tommy Mickens (Marshall Allman) who may or may not be a shapeshifter.

The Town of Hotshot: Readers of the book series are familiar with this town but for those will learn about the residents of this little community.

“We definitely do go to Hotshot. … We meet Hotshot, we meet the people in Hotshot, we meet Crystal and her father, Calvin,” Ball said. Crystal (Lindsay Pulsipher) becomes a major love interest for Sookie‘s brother Jason (Ryan Kwanten). As for the leader of the Hotshot group, Calvin (Gregory Sporleder), “I think our take on Calvin is a little different than the one in the book.”

Vampire Rights and Wrongs: Vampire politics will be part of the storyline this season with a closer look at the Vampire Rights Amendment to the Constitution the challenges around it.

The Vampire King of Mississippi: Alan states that this year we will meet the Vampire King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington (Denis O’Hare) who will be one of the baddest new regular.  Sharing his storyline will be his boyfriend of 700 years Talbot (Theo Alexander) who as Alan state, have a stable relationship but it is not a model relationship.  Also alot of action this season will take place in Mississippi.

“He’s definitely got his reasons for doing things, and I don’t think he thinks what he’s doing is wrong.”

Tara’s Scary Vamp Boyfriend: Another baddie this season will be vampire Franklin Mott (James Frain) who gets under Tara Thornton‘s (Rutina Wesley) psyche, which as Alan describes as personal, terrifying and hot.  The relationship is not classified as a happy one nor a functional one, beyond that Alan would not elaborate.

Lafayette’s Heart: Lafayette Reynolds (Nelsan Ellis) will have his own storyline revolving around his mother, Ruby Jean Reynolds (Alfre Woodard), and his new love interest Jesus (Kevin Alejandro).  Alan states that Jesus may be perhaps the first person who really tries to make “a  serious pitch for Lafayette‘s heart” and the difficulty that Lafayette has with it.

The Missing Bill: Alan states we find out right away who kidnapped Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer), where he is being held and that he returns back to Bon Temps around the middle of the season.  What happens between Sookie Stackhouse (Anna Paquin) and Bill since we were left off with Sookie about to accept Bill‘s marriage proposal before he was kidnapped at the end of season two?  Alan teases us by stating,

“I would say their love is very real. I can’t really say whether it is going to last forever, ’cause I don’t want to give anything away, but I do think their love is real. I think what they feel for each other is very, very profound.”

Alan Ball Is Having Fun: Alan believes that the series can last many years based not only on the fact that there is lots of material to take from the book for ideas but because he enjoys working on the show.

“It continues to be fun, which for me is the most important thing. I would rather have fun on a show that nobody cares about than be miserable on a show that is the biggest hit in the world.”

Comic-Con Rock Stars: Alan expresses his disbelief at the enormous success of the show and the tremendous impact it has on fans.  In particular he mentions his experience at Comic-Con last year and how the fans treated the cast and himself as if they were rock stars.

“I never thought the series would be as huge. I didn’t really have much experience in the genre world, you know what I mean? I came to it fresh and I thought, ‘I think this show will have an audience.’ But I’ve thought that about other things and it didn’t really work out that way. I just knew it was a show I would watch, I would be deeply entertained by. I think the amazing growth during the second season in terms of not only the number of viewers, but the passion on the part of the viewers, was really a surprise to me … a very pleasant one. When we went to Comic-Con last year, when we walked out on stage it was like we were rock stars. … Well, it was like the cast was rock stars and I was also there,” said Ball with a laugh.”

So with all these little tidbits has it made you even more anxious for the return of season 3 of True Blood on June 13?

SOURCE :  scifiwire.com

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc.)

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Special Features on True Blood Season 2 Blu-Ray Discs

May 27, 2010

As most True Blood fans know, the second season DVD set is now available! While some fans may re-watch their favorite episodes or have a viewing party with some friends, others will be able to live feed their viewing experience on Facebook and Twitter. The new Blu-Ray Disc addition of season two enables automatic updates to social networking sites, uploads scenes directly from the discs, transform normal photographs into True Blood-inspired user pictures, and receive virtual gifts, such as a vampire royalty crown.

After the discs are inserted into an internet-connected Blu-Ray player, fans can watch a video about the Live Feed and are able to choose one of the three factions to join: Vampire, the Fellowship of the Sun, or a Maenad. After, you can choose what photos you want to be transformed- for example, if you choose “Vampire” your user picture will grow pale and blood will begin to drizzle down your chin. Additionally, your Facebook and Twitter status’ will automatically be updated about your progress in the series, such as “(your name) just came out of the coffin to watch Episode 1.”

HBO‘s Sofia Chang notes that these “extras” were added to the discs because of fans unwavering love for the series:

“For True Blood, we have such engaged and passionate fans that we really wanted to provide them with a way to extend the fiction beyond what they see in the show and share that passion with their friends.

True Blood’s Season 2 Blu-Ray Facebook feature is said to be the most extensive social networking feature ever on Blu-Ray! As some of the most passionate fans out there, True Blood fans are definitely in for a treat with all the different DVD options out there!  Season 2 was released on May 25th and is available in both DVD and Blu-Ray. The DVD set is $32.99 and the Blu-Ray set is $39.99 (new on Amazon.com). True Blood: The Complete Second Season (HBO Series) [Blu-ray]

SOURCE: USA Today

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc.)

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True Blood Season 3 Photos of Bill Compton and Pam

May 27, 2010

Two new True Blood Season 3 photos have been released on the HBO‘s True Blood Facebook page featuring Bill Compton (Stephen Moyer) showing a little fang while looking fantastic in a tuxedo and vampire Pam (Kristin Bauer) dressed exquisitely. To enlarge click the photo and then click the box on the bottom right-hand size to see in its original size.

SOURCE: HBO’s True Blood Facebook Page

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Charlaine Harris Featured on SIRIUS XM Book Radio Channel

May 27, 2010

SIRIUS XM LAUNCHES “AUTHOR CONFIDENTIAL” SERIES ON SIRIUS XM BOOK RADIO CHANNEL

Charlaine Harris, #1 New York Times bestselling author of the beloved Sookie Stackhouse novels, kicks off exclusive series on which iconic authors sit down for candid interviews and conversations with fans.

SIRIUS XM Radio announced that it will launch “Author Confidential” — an exclusive new interview series featuring intimate conversations with iconic authors in front of a live studio audience — on June 7 on SIRIUS XM Book Radio with inaugural guest Charlaine Harris, the #1 New York Times bestselling author whose beloved Sookie Stackhouse novels serve as the basis for HBO’s hit show True Blood.

On “Author Confidential“, Harris sits down with SIRIUS XM Book Radio hosts Kim Alexander and Maggie Linton for a revealing, intimate and in-depth conversation about her career, the Sookie Stackhouse novels (including her latest in the series, Dead in the Family), the True Blood phenomenon and more, bringing listeners inside the modern-day Louisiana world she’s created where vampires and humans mingle.

Author Confidential with Charlaine Harriswill air June 7 at 7:00 pm ET on SIRIUS XM Book Radio, SIRIUS 117 and XM 163. It will replay June 9 at 9:00 pm ET, June 11 at 4:00 pm ET and June 12 at 8:00 pm ET. The new season of True Blood premieres June 13 on HBO.

Charlaine Harris on how the Sookie Stackhouse series began: “I was left looking at turning fifty trying to decide what to do. It came to me that it would be fun to write a book about Louisiana, about a very down home young woman who was dating a vampire and everything kind of built from that kernel.”

Charlaine Harris on writing about vampires: “There are all different kinds of ways to interpret the vampire rules. I’ve tried to bring something different to the genre.”

Charlaine Harris on working with True Blood creator Alan Ball: “I knew that he got me. Not everyone gets the mixture of humor and horror and blood and death…with a wink, and I knew Alan did.”

SIRIUS XM is currently offering a free seven-day trial available at http://www.sirius.com/freetrial.

Here is a video excerpt of “Author Confidential” with Charlaine Harris below.  Also you can watch other special guest at www.youtube.com/siriusxm.

SIRIUS XM is home to Artist Confidential, an exclusive music series that features the biggest names in music sitting down for candid interviews, intimate conversations with fans and live performances. Past guests include Paul McCartney, Santana, Coldplay, Pink, James Taylor, Sting, Mary J. Blige and over 100 others.

SIRIUS XM Book Radio connects millions of listeners all across the country with books, authors, and notable guests from all walks of the literary life with a programming lineup that includes author interviews, daily audio book broadcasts including “drive time bestsellers,” radio theater and more. For more information about SIRIUS XM Book Radio and future Author Confidential guests visit www.sirius.com/siriusxmbookradio and www.xmradio.com/siriusxmbookradio.

SOURCE: SIRIUS XM Radio

(Photo credit:  charlaineharris.com)

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Product Review: Retractable Vampire Fangs

May 27, 2010

As fans of True Blood, and vampires in general, we sometimes feel the desire to join the ranks of the undead. We all get a little jealous when we watch Eric’s fangs descend in a moment of anger.  We wish that we could protect our telepathic girlfriends simply by showing some fang.

Finding special effects fangs is not difficult.  A plethora of online sites and Halloween stores make them available.  But it is hard to find quality fangs, unless you dish out the big bucks.  Most fangs look fake, or wear out quickly.

Additionally, most fangs are static.  You don’t have that extra creepy effect of having them actually descend or retract.

Until now.

I was made aware of a new set of special effects fangs that claim to be retractable.  They are available at for the low low sale price of $12.95.  Initially I was just going to write a post letting you all know that such a product exists.  I figured we’d all be biting at the neck for legitimate retractableVampFangs.com fangs.  But I thought, “Hey…you work in a haunted house.  These are probably something you should own.”  So I bought them, tested them, and now present my findings to you.

In theory these fangs are awesome.  By being retractable, they allow you to shock others, just like the vampires from True Blood.  You have the ability to chose when they are visible and when they are hidden.  When they work, they work beautifully.

When they work.

The fangs are made out of a very flimsy plastic, which means they are bendable.  When I opened the package, the right fang was lower than the left one.  Despite my efforts, I could not get the fangs to even out.  Imagine a pair of glasses that wobble on your face.  That’s exactly what it’s like.

Next comes the issue of how the device actually works.  The fangs themselves are on an axle that extends across the width of your mouth, kind of like if you ever had a spacer.  This axle is actually the mechanism you use to control the fangs.  With one flick of your tongue, the fangs appear.  If you want the fangs to retract, push up on the axle with your tongue and the fangs will slide up and be hidden between your gum and your upper lip.

Although this design is neat, it still presents a host of issues.  The first is that it is impossible to talk like a normal human being.  Yes, I know, by wearing fangs I’m not trying to be a human, but still.  It’s really hard to pretend to be Eric when you sound like your mouth is full.  If you want to know what it’s like talking with these things, put the tip of your tongue to the roof of your mouth and try to have an intelligent conversation.  Or even just indulge me and try saying Bill’s classic line, “I’m here for Sookie.”

The next issue is that it is hard to wear these fangs for an extended period of time.  In comparison to your gum line, the plastic is sharp.  This past weekend I wore the fangs for about a half hour, in which I moved them up and down at a steady rate.  I still have a cut on my upper gum.  The apparatus is very abrasive.  Additionally, you have to bite into a dental mold so that the fangs are custom fitted for your mouth.  When you wear the fangs, you slide your back teeth into the mold so that the whole apparatus stays in place.  After a while it kind of felt like the whole device was pulling my teeth toward the center of my mouth.  Things started to get uncomfortable.  And saliva-y.

Additionally, because the plastic was bent you could see the plastic strip that connected the axle to the actual fang. Therefore, when I let the fangs descend, I looked like a vampire wearing a retainer.  But this was only on the one side.  Also, because the plastic was bent, the fang on that same side had a hard time moving.  Sometimes I’d only have one fang out and I promise I haven’t been to see the Magister.

All in all, I found a lot of problems with these Special FX fangs.  They have the ability to look great and I’m assuming I wouldn’t have had as many complaints if mine were made properly.  But I bought them with the idea of using them in a haunted house to torment guests.  If all you want is to be able to walk around and spook people, then they still might work for you.  But if you wanted to try to use these fangs and talk at the same time, I promise you, you’d have an easier time getting rid of a Maenad.

Has anyone else tried them and have different results?  Make sure to leave comments to let us know!

Here is a video of how they look from VampFangs.com:

SOURCE:  VampFangs.com

Photo Credit:  HBO Inc., Screencap by James

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Ask Dr. L – Memories

May 27, 2010

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

May 26th, 2010

I was watching the episode “I Will Rise Up”, and I noticed Bill saying that it takes only one or two drops of blood for a vampire to form a link with a human. My question is if the same logic goes for “V” users. Do we know whether or not a vampire is able to sense any user who takes one or two drops of his blood, even if he/she’s never come in contact with that person?
——–
V-Curious,
Well, well…this is an intelligent question! Didn’t realize we had some serious thinkers out here, so you are a breath of fresh air! I am usually dealt with fangbangers trying to figure out ways to entice vampires, or shape shifters facing identity crises, etc. Anyhow, yours is an  intelligent, yet fairly easy to answer query. As you have stated,  it only takes a drop or two of blood to form a link with a vampire. It does work both ways to a degree, although the undead seem more keenly in tune with humans who have received their blood than vice versa most times.
However, since V is very concentrated, and has gone through a very rigorous process before it is used- and I had better not hear of it’s being used outside of medical practices, you hear me?- it is highly unlikely and of the cell memory would remain. But that has not been fully tested especially in cases where it’s taken fresh from the cow, so to speak.
My question to you is, “Why do you ask?”. Have you used V outside of medical purposes and you are being drawn to a particular vampire? Hmmmmm????? See, I noticed an omission of a signature, so perhaps you are feeling a bit guilty??? I will hunt you down, you know…

Hey Dr. L,
I’m the coach of a Volleyball team.  The guys work hard at practice but during games, they have no energy or confidence.  Do you know of any of the supes who might rent themselves out to be motivators, or could vampires glamor my players into not being timid?  Hell, you intimidate me over the Internet.  I’ll pay you to do it.
Concerned Coach
Dear CC,
Ah, as I am sure you know, I am a sports fan. Not so much for the sports themselves, but for the sheer pleasure of watching those young, strong, toned bodies on a playing field or court or whatever. But you are correct that it takes a certain ferocity and confidence to be winners.
I know you were just trying to flatter me by saying that I intimidate you over the Internet- and I LOVE to be flattered!-and when you mentioned pay, I was already there. But my ever increasingly busy schedule as a world renowned physician, researcher, author, speaker, healer and Cougar just don’t allow me the time for this.
I will put the work out to the supernatural community, but here’s a head’s up- do not, I repeat, NOT trust a blood sucking vampire to help you with anything. They tend to take your money, then turn you into one of them. I’ll let you know what I come up with. Thank you so much for the high compliment of saying I am intimidating. I feel it is a gift.

Okay Dr. L,
Have I got a money making idea.  Most vamps are super old.  That means that a lot of them know and have actually have witness incredible things in history.  I’m a historian and you have a lot of good connections. What if we worked together to actually “recreate” authentic history, from first hand eye witnesses.  We can split things down the middle. You know how many people would pay good money to have actual Civil War soldiers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg?  Gold mine.
History Hunter
Hey there, Hunter,
You are correct about many vampires being very old. Some of them, including one who tends to plague me quite often, have lived for a thousand or so years. But that is where your gold mine idea tends to go bust. Any information or knowledge they have would come at a very high price which might even include your becoming one of them. And even then, you can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, so who says it would even be true? Think about the price you might be required to pay and then ask yourself if it might not be worth it to continue perusing all those dusty old tomes and coming up with the information yourself.
As for this “we can split things down the middle” stuff- who is “we”? If you mean to include me in that we, it would be at least a 75-25 split in my favor.
Dr. L

Hi….
A friend of mine is a shifter.  Lately he hasn’t been feeling well…andI don’t know why.  But he hasn’t been coming out of his house and he
just kind of lays around.  I really want to take him to get some medical  help but, he is refusing due to his “condition.”  But I think I finally convinced him that he really needs to go.  My question is:
Since he spends part of his life as animals…should I take him to a doctor or a vet?
Concerned Carissa
Hello, CC,
Are you kidding me? I mean, you can’t be serious about this, right? You are writing into MY column, to get FREE ADVICE from me, DR. LUDWIG, famous doctor of supes and humans alike.  Come on, not even you could  have eaten a big enough bowl of stupid to ask me such a ridiculous question. HE SHOULD MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE ME!!! I take cash or major credit cards.
The nerve of some people!

Hi Dr. L
I’m able to hear peoples thoughts.  I’ve never really use it to my advantage or anything, I just try to live as normally as possible.  My
one friend, who is a huge fan of yours by the way, and reads your site and all this stuff on vampires keeps telling me that I should keep in hiding.  He said that the Vampires might want me for more than my blood.  I live in a really rural area of Pennsylvania and I can almost guarantee that there are no vampires.  But anyways…is it true?  Am I a high priority target for vampires if they figure out what I am?
Kaylie
Hi, Kaylie,
I would like to introduce you to a young woman I have treated who has the same “gift” as you do- telepathy.  Her name is Sookie Stackhouse. The stories I am sure she could tell you about the perils those nasty blood sucking fiends put her through would curl your hair! I have tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade her to leave that element behind. She’s a sweet girl, but seems to be bound and determined to get herself into all manner of life threatening situations because she lets those evil vampires use her for her talents. Sigh…what’s a good doctor to do?
As for you, get in touch with my office. We have a witness protection program for telepaths…for a fee, of course. Hey, what price do you put on your life?
Dr. L

Hello “Doctor”
Although I know your age is somewhat considerable, mine is a similar level.  I do still find it amusing that you adopt the notion that your
pithy advice and answers are something of actual value.  These humans and pathetic scum that read your column are just mindless automatons that think your advice gives them so degree of control in their meaningless lives.
Yet I can not deny that you have gained a certain following.  Therefore, for the sake of all who happen to stumble upon the tiny little niche of the internet that you have carved out for yourself, please tell the good people:  Where did you get your Doctorate?  You call yourself a doctor, don’t the people have a right to know where you’ve obtained your education?  Was the institution accredited?  Did you pass your board exams?  Where did you do your residency?  Did they even have an education system when you were growing up?  Or are you just a fraud, like your dear old friend Ms. Cleo?
“V”
Oh Lord, here we go again. Have you nothing better to do with your time than to badger me? You are supposed to be Mr High And Mighty Vampire Boss- don’t you have women to seduce, or people to rip apart limb by limb, or something like that? And lest you forget, who do you call upon when one of your kind, or one of your humans needs medical assistance and most other doctors flee in terror? Hmmm???? You might want to take that into consideration lest you find I am indisposed next time you call on me. That, or find my price has gone up yet again.
As to your query about my training, any time you are brave enough to come into my office, you can see my multiple degrees and certificates I have on display. The mysteries of healing and medicine I have garnered over the years would (and do) fill volumes used by the venerated institutions to teach medical students.
So, to bring things up to date, Step Back, Jack.  Your opinion and a dollar will buy me a cup of coffee at McDonalds.
Dr. L

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose

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