There’s a new Sheriff in town! Sheriff Andy Bellefleur’s Police Blotter

July 24, 2010 by  

Bon Temps Police Blotter #142I


Great. I can’t even get my foot in the door these days without shit happening. Since Bud Dearborn left, this town’s turned into Bon Temps gone wild, especially since I have my new Deputy wannabe Jason  Stackhouse taggin’ along everywhere I go. By the looks of the complaints filling my inbox, that boy’s really gotta get a grip. “Note to self:  Speak with Stackhouse about wearing a proper uniform, starting with a shirt.”


Altercation at the local Grab-It-Quik. (I told ya’ll it was starting early these  days) Some stinking drunk in his filthy tighty whities claiming to be Sam Merlotte’s dad ran out with a 12 pack of malt liquor and a bag of kibble. I don’t care who’s daddy he might claim to be, you can’t be DIP in my town, especially at the God Damn crack of dawn. That’s Drunk In Public for those that don’t know. It’s an official police  term. Had to take him to the station to let him sleep it off. Far as I know, he’s still waiting for Sam to come and pick his ass up. I’m still wondering what he was doing with that kibble though….man don’t  even own a dog.


Sookie Stackhouse called again. Seems that vampire boyfriend of her’s is still missing. Just because she can’t keep a man doesn’t mean I have to use my good deputies to hunt him down. Man probably doesn’t wanna be found. If you ask me, Sookie ain’t wrapped to tight. This ones gonna have to wait. I have more important things to do. Like getting some jelly doughnuts and a cup of coffee. Maybe I should give this one to Jason Stackhouse and get them both out of my hair.


Sookie called….again. Seems she found Bill’s car on the road out of town. Guess this time I need to go investigate so I can shut her the hell up. Called Jason Stackhouse to meet me. May as well have him tag along so he can see just how hard this job really is. Seems my plan is working. He can deal with this while I deal with more important things like why Arlene is at the local library and called and asked Kenya if being a serial killer runs in the family.


Arrived at the scene and Stackhouse was already there and Sookie was gone. Thank God for small favors.  At least I didn’t have to sit here and listen while she ran her mouth about how we needed to drop everything and find her dead boyfriend. Bills car was tipped over and totaled. He sure did go through some extreme to get away from her…wonder what she did this time. Stackhouse was picking up what looked to be the remains of some kind of animal and tainting the evidence. What a dumb ass. I was already feeling it wasn’t the brightest move bringin’ that boy along. Time to send him back to the station to do more paperwork.

Got an anonymous tip that a local dog fighting ring is going on right here in Bon Temps. That just ain’t right. This one I’m going to investigate on my own. There is one thing I will not stand for in my town and that’s cruelty to animals.


Got a call from Kenya. Maxine Forteberry called with one of her vampire complaints again. A local teen stole 100 plastic fangs from the local five and dime parking lot and of course Maxine thinks there was some kind of vampire involvement. She is accusing Jessica Hamby of influencing the local youth into some kind of crime wave conspiracy for her own, and I quote, “sick pleasures”. Why me? Just the paperwork alone on this is going to be hell. What makes that woman think I have the time to sit down and itemize 100 plastic Fangs? I’ve got much more important things to do. Sounds like a job for Jason Stackhouse. Now that I think of it I need to look into the protocol for registering new vampires as citizens of this town.


Lunch. Time to grab a burger and fries at Merlotte’s and question Sam Merlotte about this daddy of his. Seems he may have something to do with these dogfights. Sam wasn’t too forth coming as usual. But what do I expect from a guy that runs butt naked through the woods. Hmmmm…Didn’t he say his parents were nudists??  “Note to self:  Have Stackhouse question Sam’s Daddy about this at a later date. We just may have to take some preventive measures to avoid any more “NIP’s” which is police talk for “Naked in Public”


Had the last bite of my burger when all hell broke loose. Can’t a man eat around here without something always happening???? Seems Stackhouse has been pulling over the local women and trying to get their phone numbers. How many times do I have to tell that boy only ask for the license, registration and insurance card??? Not their dang phone numbers! I swear, that boy’s gonna be the death of me!


Just as I thought the coast was clear and headed out of the driveway of Merlotte’s , I got stopped by Maxine Fortenberry….again. Another complaint against the vampires. Can’t this woman give it a rest? Ever since she started that MADV campaign I got more crimes against humanity than I can shake a stick at. Seems some local fangs were bangin’ some bangers at the local truck stop “in broad moonlight” right outside of town last night. How on earth Maxine got a youtube of this is beyond me, but she did.  Gonna have to keep this one away from Stackhouse. He’ll never get any work done if he starts investigating this. All these new crimes, I’m gonna have to make up some new police jargon. Guess I’ll be calling this one in particular FBIP for Fang Banging In Public. Sounds good to me.


Got a call from Jason Stackhouse. Seems I need to talk to Sam again about the serving of minors and the impact it has on his liquor license. According to Stackhouse, Arlene was serving the local football team while we were occupied at Bud’s retirement party. Stackhouse claimed he confiscated the evidence but in turn drank it. I must speak to him about the proper filing procedures of evidence at a later date.


Still investigating the unidentified body that was found in the ditch. Due to his lack of head and hands which are, uhhhhh, critical body parts to identify an individual, we have yet to put a name with the body. We have yet to receive any missing persons reports with the exception of Vampire Bill and it is our understanding that the vampires disintegrate upon death.


Got a call from Lettie Mae Thornton. Seems Tara’s gone missin’ again and her last phone call was to  Sookie. Here comes that name again.  Sooookie….That’s it, I’m calling  it a day. Deputy Kenya Jones can take can take it from here. Things are getting crazy, considering what’s happened in the last two weeks even for this town…But at least we know one thing, the body in the ditch, is not Tara Thornton.

Header Design: Kasandra Rose

This po-lice blotter is presented as parody of Alan Ball’s HBO original series True Blood and there is no connection to any bat shit crazy thing anyone has done, real or imagined, living or dead. If you want to report some dumb ass thing you saw in town that I gotta go look into just leave a comment below. If you wanna confess you can leave a comment too. If you wanna complain, don’t bother puttin in your 2 cents you’re probably guilty as sin. And if you wanna leave me a coupon for your eatery or the car wash just put the details in the comments section too. Yeah, it’s not anonymous, just suck it up!

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

(Header credit: Kasandra Rose)