Ask Dr. L — Dietary Advice for Vampires and Others

August 24, 2009 by  


For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

August 24, 2009:

Dear Dr. L

My Husband and I suggested having our neighbors over for dinner, but as they are slightly obese we were wondering if there would be any issues with trans fats in the blood? We are trying to get in shape as we are planning a trip to Hawaii and want to look our best when moon bathing.

Cal Orey

Dear Mrs Orey,

First let me ask you a few questions (and as you are unable to respond let me also answer them for you).

Sometimes years of wisdom doesn’t really amount to much in the Vampire world. Why are you going to Hawaii? Maybe it is because you are not that bright. Did you ever consider the amount of Volcanic activity happening on the islands? Fire and Vampires just don’t mix.

Secondly, have you forgotten the fact that you are immortally embodied in the form at which you were turned? Calories and trans fats do not factor into your diet (unless they are the legendary ‘Transylvanian fats’ but that’s a whole other story!), this is something that should only concern what the youth today call “Fang Bangers”. If you are a “Fang Banger” i cannot offer you my respect but I can offer you the following dietary advice.

The total estimated caloric content of 500 ml of blood is 280 (from Red Blood Cells) + 61.4 (from plasma) for a total of 341.4 kcal. Vampire blood contains three times the normal caloric content due to concentration.  However, if you were to consume 500 ml of vampire blood you’d have bigger problems than weight gain because you’d be out of your freakin’ mind!  If your neighbors are just out of shape humans and if you were also consuming other foods during the day I would consider forgoing half a normal meal as humans need to consume less calories than they burn in order to lose weight.  Being a Fang Banger requires walking a thin line because while you want to look good and keep in shape in case your Fangtasy Lover decides to turn you, you also can’t afford to become too thin or it would be too easy for your long-in-the-tooth friend to accidentally drain you or find that you leave them ‘wanting more’ and decide to go shopping at some other blood bags throat!

Now go to Hawaii and stop wasting my time.


Dear Dr. L

I have started a relationship with a vampire and wondered why, when I drink their blood, I don’t get the same effect I did when I took V. I mean I have no hallucinations, no distorted reality, in fact I do nothing except feel great, like healthy great and my hair is shiny. Is there any reason I can’t “get high”?

V Junque

Miss Junque

First of all, people like you make me sick. V should only be used medicinally and under a doctors care!

Blood when taken from a vampire is still active, it’s an undead product. Leave it to sit for a while and the majority of the water component and any volatile acids and sulfides evaporate leaving a more concentrated blood product. The side effects of hallucination one gets when ingesting V occurs due to the bodies need to re-hydrate the blood and integrate the blood product into the system. Any live (or infected) cells left in this dehydrated blood rush fast around the system in an attempt to absorb as much water as possible. This produces an effect similar to an extreme caffeine buzz. Hallucinations take place when the cells rush to the brain causing the dysfunction of the neurotransmitters, glutamate and dopamine, due to integration into the human system.

Did you think by dating a vampire you would have your own V on tap? For your sake, I hope he never finds out, leave vampires alone and go get your yum-yums elsewhere you Junkie.

Disdainfully yours,
Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section way way way down below (bottom of screen) and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

  • Gill Avila

    Dear Doctor L:

    How do I know that my vampire girlfriend loves me for me or because I’m diabetic? Is it possible for vampires to have a sweet tooth?

  • Alexander L

    Yah, I’m thinking the same, why would a 17 year old queen (technically) who has roamed around for say, 1100 years know how to deal with a maenad? I think Dr. L is the one to ask. Surely she can reign her in? If not I think maryann will be a pest for a few more season.

  • Marilyn

    I think someone needs to ask Dr. L how to kill Maryann. Why is Bill asking the Queen? Dr. L with all her knowledge of the supernatural would surely know the way to get rid of her! Come on TPTB, with Dr. L’s help they’ll sure be able to take out Maryann!

  • Baxter

    Dr. L,

    I am currently married to a vampire but she has not converted me yet. I am wanting to get in better shape and have a very nice body before being made into a vampire. What kind of diet would you recommend to me so I can whip myself into shape very quickly? I just can’t wait.

  • Jaxx

    Dr. L, Can you help out poor Jessica and her “re-growing problem”? The poor girl can’t be a virgin forever???

  • Rebecca

    My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool Fangbanger. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl. Then at Merlot’s the other night, he was there and she pointed him out to me. This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?