Ask Dr. L – Aliens, Were’s and Buggs? Oh My!

March 12, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 12th, 2010

So Dr. L,

I’ve been reading like, all of your responses and I love them by the way, but with all of the strange supernaturals I gotta ask: Have you ever experienced aliens? Like if there are werewolves, shifters, vamps and all that good stuff…there’s got to be aliens. Ever meet one? Does their blood do anything crazy? Could a vamp or werewolf beat the aliens in an fight? I mean, you’ve had to have run into some aliens…right?


UFO Hunter

Dear Hunter,
As much as I tried, I couldn’t stop myself from envisioning you in line for many hours, dressed in your Klingon costume waiting for a Star Trek convention to open …so I had to just let that happen, and allow myself the moments of hysterical laughter that bubbled up from that vision.

Now that I have somewhat composed myself, I will try to address your question. You are correct in that I have “run into some aliens”. Some of them are currently back in their own native countries, some are encarcerated, awaiting deportation…OK, I’m cracking myself up here, so I’ll get serious.

Since Earth is a rather slow, dense, base planet, most of it’s inhabitants are still on a path of great, much needed, learning. Only a few of us are advanced beyond that level, and yes, I include myself in that “us”. That being said, the Star People, the ones you call aliens, are so far advanced that if they decided to really set up camp on our humble planet, none of us- including weres, shifters, vamps, and any other beings you might see as powerful- would be a match for them. Personally, I would wave the flag of surrender at once, if these beings decided to invade. Well, perhaps I would first try to strike a deal- my infinite knowledge of all Earth’s variety of beings to be allowed into their inner circle, or something like that.

And honestly, does a person who uses the word “like” as much and as inappropriately as you do really think he (or she) can actually catch a UFO? “Beam me up, Scotty!”

I really want to play a prank on my friend and I think if I had a shifter helping me out it would be like hysterical. Or like I know vamps are really strong and can move really fast and I’m moving next month. Do you know of any places or personal shifters or vampires who like rent themselves out? Or maybe you could start that and make a buck or two off of the supes that I can gather your not very fond of? I’d be your first customer. I mean I’m not lazy, but I’m more than willing to throw money at a problem to get it done right.

Crossing Fingers,

Richie Rich

Dear RR,
How rich are you? Because most of us have a price, myself included. Not that I would actually do menial labor, such as moving (shudder!), but I might be able to persuade a few of the creatures you mention to perform your “prank”- for a fee.
Seriously, how rich ARE you?


I’ve read your column for a certain degree of amusement. I like to watch the pitiful breathers think that they are actually superior to us and that they continue to be deluded by the fact that we willingly give up our blood. But the more and more I read, I can clearly gather the seething hatred you have for my kind. I could honestly care less whether or not you like or hate a vampire. But what I can not allow to pass is for you to perpetrate the notion that the uncivilized werewolves, or the honor-less shifters are superior to us.

Therefore I want to know, given your vast experience with all the various types of “races” should you find yourself in a situation where you needed to ask a vampire, werewolf, or shifter for aid, which would you pick? And please do not allow bias to influence your decision. I want to know who you think would be able to offer you the most useful support in any type of harrowing situation. You attempt to exploit us all anyways, so which race is the most useful to you? I’d be surprised if you say anything else other than vampire.

Vindicated Vampire
Dear Vindicated, or shall we say “V“,
Did you really think you could hide behind a pseudonym? I know and recognize your tone, as well as your linguistics. We know each other, you and I- and have for quite a long time. In fact, we have discussed this very question, ad nauseum. You know I need vampires for their blood, from which I extract “V” for scientific research and healing purposes. You also know if it weren’t for that fact, I would be most delighted to see all of you obliterated from this planet.

As to which group, vampires, shifters, werewolves, etc, would win in a peeing contest, I don’t really know. You all have your strengths, weaknesses, and yes- uses to me. Your opinion of weres as uncivilized or shifters as honorless is as foolish as your saying vampires are superior. Your opinion and a few bucks will buy me a cup of coffee, pal. And since your arrogance enters the room before you do, I must say to you yet again to F$#K off.

Hey, what’s up Doc!

I’m a shifter and my goto form is this really fast grey rabbit with the most handsome ears you’ll ever see. Life is great, charmin’ the girl bunnies, teasin dogs, running circles around the local reptile population. But I have one big problem that really bugs me: I have this overwhelming craving for carrots! This gets me into a lot of trouble as I can’t pass up a carrot without taking a nibble. My neighbor El is all up in arms about the ‘rodent infestation’ in the neighborhood and he’s darn near shot me twice. The local grocer has barred me from his store after a little incident where I was, shall we say, samplin’ the goods.

To top it off my girlfriend Lola who is a small town news reporter has started to complain that I have ‘carrot breath’ and that my lips are turning orange. She’s been bugging me to give up the sticks. Even the thought of it is hair raising.. or is that hare rasing? heh That’s a joke, Doc.

What can I do? I have a big rematch race coming up with this tortoise down the street.. I suppose youse heard about how I lost to him last Time because the race went by El’s carrot patch? I swear, I only meant to stop for one little nibble! This year it’s going past the local farmer’s market.. I’m droolin’ just thinking of all the sweet carrots that’s going to be at that event. Help me, doc! This carrot obsession is really buggin me!

Sign me: One Bugged Bunny

Dear Bugged,
Oh, if I had a dollar for every time I’ve heard your opening line, I’d be…well, richer than I already am.

Your query is not an uncommon one. Many shifters feel a particular fondness for certain things their “other” side enjoys. I knew one shifter, a dog, who was arrested because he couldn’t stop his compulsion for using fire hydrants as his toilets, even in human form. I believe that case is coming to trial soon…but I digress.

My best advice here is for you to dump lovely Lola, and enjoy all the female bunnie beauties at your disposal. I can guarantee, none of them will complain of your carrot breath- it will work as an aphrodesiac. Not that rabbits ever seem to need one.

Many “hoppy” returns!

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.