Ask Dr. L: Babies and Vampires and V, Oh MY!

October 16, 2009 by  


For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

October 16, 2009:

Dear Dr. L,

Now that the Vampire Equal Rights Amendment has passed, it is only a matter of time before the the Vampire Marrage Act passes.
Question: If Arianna and I have kids will they be Alive or UNDEAD? For Vacation, do I take my kids to Disneyland or Calaveris Caverns?!!! Finally, If I don’t become a vampire, how do I prevent Arianna from cheating on me? I mean, at 100 human years old, I will be shriveled and imputent but she will be 400years old and look like she’s 23. FYI, Yes, I do practice SAFE SEX—I always have a piece of Silver chain in my left hand whenever I have sex with Arianna—just in case the bitch wants to ‘take liberties’. I also insist on safer sexual positions because, frankly, I have seen too many blackwiddow/Praying Mantis films on the nature channel to be…naive.


Dear Jedidiah,
Your question is somewhat similar to others I have received in the past, and is a several fold query. I may have to ask you for a consultation fee to thoroughly respond, but I will do what I can.

As to the children issue, I want you to come very close to your computer…closer…no, closer still…now, listen to me carefully: VAMPIRES ARE DEAD (or UNDEAD, if you want to argue semantics with me, which I would not suggest) AND CANNOT BEAR OR OTHERWISE PRODUCE CHILDREN, YOU BIG DUMMY!!!  That is basic grade school science. But since you freely admit to being a “Fangbanger” and don’t realize it’s IMPOTENT, I can’t imagine you got much out of school, did you?

As to the aging, cheating issue you refer to, do I look like I care if she cheats on your sorry ass? If you want to stay “young” forever, put the silver chain in the trash can, and let Arianna have her way with you, and make you another rotten, bloodsucking scourge on this planet.
To be honest, if I were her, your insistence on just a couple of ‘safe’ positions would become boring in short order, and I would look for greener pastures too. Not only that, she’s not going to eat your head because she’s not an ZOMBIE she’s a VAMPIRE (and anyway you’ve shown that your head is pretty empty and lacking in nutritive value haven’t you?). Your femoral artery is even MORE vulnerable to over-drinking by vampires because they don’t have to suck as hard to get the blood out. If you’re lucky she’ll buy you an illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra and if we’re lucky she’ll decide you’re not vampire material.

Disneyland at night is beautiful, by the way.

Dr. L (scheduling a vacation)


Hi Dr. L!

I have a special Vampire Blood Drink that I made and serve to my friends. It’s healthy and I drink it daily. I feel like a new women after drinking my special Vampire Blood Drink and my husband has been pleasantly surprised by my ‘licentious’ behavior of late. Not only that but the house is clean as a whistle and dinner is always on time although he has been complaining about the meat being ‘undercooked’! My problem is that I can’t get my children to drink it. I don’t want to ‘trick’ them into trying it but I am getting desperate.  Any suggestions? I will share my special drink recipe if requested.

June Cleaver

Mother of Beaver and Wally

Dear Mother Cleaver,
If you are getting vampire blood to mix for you and your friends, you must have one of the vile creatures chained and bound in your basement (to which I secretly say, “bravo”. Keeps them out of the bars and off the streets) so you can do a drain when needed, because that stuff is not cheap. But if I find out you are selling it I will track you down myself. That is a highly valued healing component professionals like myself use to help humanity, not as a kiddie drink. Really, do you think your KIDS should be getting a sexual stimulant? You shouldn’t even be taking it yourself without being under the supervision of a licensed doctor!

This was a set up, wasn’t it? You were fishing around, promising to “swap recipes” to see if I would slip and tell you how I extract V to keep it it’s most potent. HA! I know your type. I have been around the block a time or two, or three.  No sensible mother would want to give their kids V.. just imagine what a wreck the house would be!  Trying to ‘Fool Dr. L’ isn’t nice.. or smart!

Now leave me the hell alone, amateur.

Dr. L


Dearest Dr. L

My daughter’s vamp boyfriend is getting a little too bloodthirsty with her, she’s asked him to ‘pull out’ a bit sooner but he says he’s too carried away by her inner beauty to even hear her. She is always weak and tired and frankly her hair has turned limp and dry and she’s becoming nothing but skin and bones. She’s afraid if she refuses him, that he may seek his blood from another girl, but I think he’s going to toss her over for a more healthy looking woman any day now. What should she do?

Skinny Minny’s Mom

Dear SMM,

The old “What’s a mother to do” line comes to mind here. What do you do in this case? Can you forbid her from seeing him? Yes, you could. And she would probably climb out her window during the night, fall, break her fool neck, and just before she buys the farm, he’d turn her. This is not a theory- I saw it  happen (and you’ thought Repunzel was a fairy tale, didn’t you!)

Mom, are you a woman who likes younger men?  Are you… oh what do they call it, “cougar” type? Is your daughter’s life worth risking your own? If so, here’s what I ‘d do. Put on your war paint, push up bra, those extra special high heels, and meet the blood sucker the next time he comes to visit your daughter. You should surreptitiously send out on an errand that will take some time before hand and hide her cell!

When Mr Vamp Lover arrives, proceed to seduce him. They have no morals, so don’t worry, he won’t refuse you. Then, when he is really in the throes of passion, stake his bloodless, lifeless heart, and clean up the mess before your daughter gets home. Then get her a B12 shot, buy her lots of red meat and cook everything with GARLIC from now on.  And who knows, it might be fun to boot- I do hear the sex is fantastic, so be careful you don’t get hooked! Let me know how it goes. I’d be very interested in the details.. as a scientist of course!

Dr. L

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