Ask Dr. L – Fangtastic Fun!

July 28, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

July 28th, 2010

Hi Dr. L,
So now that True Blood is featuring werewolves…can you give us some basic werewolf info?  Are they immortal too?  Do they have any weaknesses?  Is it an inherited thing like the shifters?  Its just that I’ve had my eye on a vampire for a while, but werewolves…kinda…got me all excited.
Supe Lover Sasha
Dear Sasha,
I have to say, I like your change of taste. I am very good friends with Alcide and his family and pack, and I happen to think Big A is HOT! Of course, as his doctor of record, I cannot do anything about that…sigh…
As to your question, yes, the werewolf anomaly is inherent. It can- and  does- vary within families. I have heard some pretty funny stories about young weres taking their younger siblings trick or treating on a full moon, and having some bully try to take the younger kids candy, and the were coming out and scaring the bejesus out of the bully! That really cracks me up!
As for their being immortal, I don’t think there is a scientific way to tell if that’s true or not, as they usually tend to let their werewolfishness come out at the wrong time at one time or another, and they get themselves offed. But they do seem they hold up pretty well, till they get popped.
Here’s to the weres!

Hello Dr. L,
I know all of the reasons why humans shouldn’t be involved romantically with vampires.  But despite all my stern warnings, my daughter just can’t help but be infatuated with them.  It’s not even a specific vampire, it’s just vampires in general, even though she does think that one of them stands out amongst the rest.  Anyway, do you have any resources that I can use to sway her?  You know in Drivers Ed classes, they show pictures of auto accidents and the physical injury done to victims of drunk driving to help “shock” them?  Do you have anything like that, except for vampires?
Mrs. Avery (Madison’s Mother)
Dear Mother,
I take it Madison is your only, or at least your first child. The reason I reach such a conclusion is that if you had older children, you’d already know the only sure fire way to get an offspring not to do something, is to make them think you want them to do it. If they think that you think it is positive, even “cool”, they will do the exact opposite.


So here’s what I suggest: Start dressing and acting slutty, like all those fangbangers seem to prefer. Stay up all night, and sleep all day. It would be fabulous if you could get your husband to dress up like one of those vile creatures, fangs and all, and to smear some fake blood on your neck and various places. Put up posters of Eric, Bill, etc on your bedroom wall, and if Madison walks in, look at them raptly, and make little moaning noises.
You get the drift.
Let me know how this goes. I’ll bet Madison drops the whole vampire love idea and goes back to Sunday School.<br>
Good Luck!

Good evening Dr. L,
I am a recently made vampire and all I’ve been hearing is that I should “hate werewolves.”  It probably is something akin to how race relations were earlier in America’s history.  Anyway, other than the whole “we don’t want those dirty animals amongst us”  pride thing….is there a reason why we just don’t turn them?  Can they even be turned?
Gothic Geraldine
Dear G. G.,
I first must address your statement about America’s earlier history having prejudiced race relations. When did that change, and where was I?
But, to the best of my knowledge, vampires cannot turn werewolves. There is something in the werewolf DNA that prevents this, and you are a stupid, blood sucking fiend, and would never understand the explanation if I deigned to take the time to give such an explanation, which I will not.
So, put your fangs back in, sister. I know many of those were males are hot, but they won’t do you any good.

Yo Dr. L,
So I’m confused….There are vampire kings and vampire queens who seem to have the power.  But there there is this Magister fellow, who seems to scare the heck out of the vampires, or at the very least has power over them.  We’ve met two monarchs (Sophie Ann and Russell Edgington) but only one Magister.  Where in the vampire chain o’ command does the Magister fit?  Is he like the vampire Judicious Branch or something?
Well, beam me up, Scotty! (sorry, I couldn’t resist!),
As you should know, I do try to stay far, far away from the doings of the vampire world. I only tolerate them to have access to their blood, which is one of the most powerful healing agents on Earth. If it were not for that, I would be delighted to see each and every one of these creatures of the night rounded up and taken to a hot, light, bright tropical island where they’d meet the sun. Wow, what a bonfire that would make!

But, I do believe there is only one Magister. He is one powerful fiend, and is likely the vampire Judicial Branch (don’t they send people to school anymore???). He scares me. And if you know your True Blood history, you know I am not scared of even the big, bad sheriff vampire of my district, so this is really saying something.
Be afraid- be very afraid…

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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