Ask Dr. L – Good Eats!

March 31, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 30th, 2010

Dear Dr. L,

I just got “made”…..and not like that show that used to be on MTV. I kinda lost a bet and now I’m one of the living dead. My maker is the…”do as I say and don’t question,” type. He and I are still working out which blood type best suits my diet. But…when I was human my favorite meal was Chicken Marsala. My mom would make it for my birthday and every time I visited New York City, I’d always schedule time to stop into Carmines for their chicken Marsala. I miss it. My maker has only told me to drink blood and I didn’t know there was a “nutritional” reason….or if was more for aesthetics. So my question is: What will happen to me if I eat chicken Marsala, or any normal food for that matter. Could I cut the Marsala with blood? Is there anyway for me to enjoy my former favorite meal? If you can find a way for me to enjoy it again, we can work out a deal for you to have some of my blood,

Marsala Magnus

Dear MM,
You’re kidding me, right? Trying to pull the good doctor’s leg, here. Not about the bossy, controlling vampire who turned you- they’re all like that. It’s a matter of you asserting your cajones and telling him which type you prefer. That might take a while. But you want me to believe you still crave human food? Come on now- your heart no longer beats, you don’t breathe, you no longer create gastric juices which stimulate the taste buds- BECAUSE YOU ARE DEAD, YOU DIMWIT!!!

I happen to be an amazing gourmet chef, among my multitude of other talents. Best I can do for you here is think of you next time I make Chicken Marsala Ala Ludwig. No wait, that would give me serious indigestion.
Joke’s over!

Yo, L-Dawg,

My dream is to be a rock star. I don’t even car what instrument. I love them all. I’ve got a guitar, bass, and drum set in my parent’s basement. I can play them all and oh you should hear my voice. But no matter how hard I try, I never get discovered. I’ve heard that vampires are super fast. If I could find one to “turn” me, would I be fast enough to totally shred my axe, like better than Hendrix? Could I make “Moby Dick” sound like “Moby Minnow?” Do you know any vamps willing to turn?

Seattle John (Its a grunge thing)

Dear Grungy,

Excuse me, did you just refer to me as “Dawg”? But I must admit, hip, with it, happening chick that I am, I’m kind of down with “L-Dawg”. Forever young is my motto. And that song was sung by the great Rod Stewart.

Now, as to your question, which must have been formed through some sort of drug induced haze, because if it weren’t, you’d know I would never advise anyone as to how to find a vampire to turn them. And even if I were so inclined, I wouldn’t tell anyone with a brain as obviously fried as yours is, as that would mean you and said brain would be around forever, just like my youth.

And may I just say, I knew the late, great Jimi Hendrix quite well. And even with his usual lack of sobriety, no one has ever, or will ever “shred an axe” like he did. Don’t even bother to dream that one.

Hey Dr. L,

I just got my Masters Degree in Creative Writing. I’ve had this idea for a play involving vampires in my head for ever. Then they came out of the coffin. In that time there have been countless vampire books and what not. I’ve got the first draft of my play done finally and well, I have a two part question: 1. Do you think a real vampire would ever actually play the vampire part? It would make the special effects go some much smoother even though I know we’d have to give up the Sunday matinee. 2. Are there anythings that vampires hate to see about themselves in literature? I mean, my name is going to be on this and I don’t want them coming after me if I write something offensive!


Warren the Writer

Hi, Warren,

I just love creative people! I happen to have written a few books, plays and screenplays myself. By the way, do you have a good agent and publisher you could hook me up with?

OK, as an incentive, I will answer your 2 part question. First, you must realize many of the rich and famous people you adore are vampires. I find the whole lot of them to be tediously vain. BUT- they won’t work cheap. You will have to go union. And if you want them to do their one SFX, well, I doubt a young graduate such as yourself could afford to pay such a steep price. They aren’t only vain, they are greedy.

As to anything being offensive to them, I refer back to my earlier statement about their plaguing vanity. If you flatter them, make them look sexy and hot, it really won’t matter what else you say about them. Of course, they also have rather mercurical, quick silver tempers that can turn on a dime…
So I guess I’m saying here, you tell me what you know about agents, publishers, etc- and I’ll tell you what might make one of these vamps snap your neck in two.

Dear Dr L:
There’s something I’ve always wondered about werewolves. I’m guessing they’re not immortal like vamps, but does the extra vitality their wolf-side has give them extended life spans? I’m just wondering if you’ve ever encountered a “silver-back” werewolf who’s old, grey, decrepit, and “long in the tooth,” to coin a cliche’.


Dear Gill,

Being of an age myself, my earlier “forever young” remark notwithstanding, I find your old, grey, decrepit and long in the tooth references quite rude! Just because a person has a little snow on the roof, doesn’t mean there isn’t still fire in the furnace! I am rather friendly with quite a few in the Were community, and they would avenge my offense. Just keep this in mind, Gill, that weres are amazing trackers- they can find you and show you how they treat rude people. Next full moon, I’d watch my back, if I were you!

Hi Dr. L!

Love your column, it’s the best for those of us with connections to the Supes! My problem has to do with my long time boyfriend, Jackson. We’ve been going out for about 2 years and I just found out he’s a shape shifter! How exciting is THAT? I’m was a bit freaked out at first.. I mean, his ‘go to’ shape is bat of all things! Scared me witless when he showed me! I thought he was telling me he’s a VAMPIRE YUCK! No offense intended to anyone but I’m a morning person and I’m already anemic.. And then he was hanging from my mother’s tiffany chandelier and I was so freaked that he’d break it or POOP on the tablecloth! I mean, I watch the nature channel, I’ve seen those caves! OMG it really was a very bad day, I ended up chasing him out of the house with a broom! We broke up for a month but he really is the sweetest thing and he’s been working on switching his ‘go to’ to a lovely Persian kitty. Isn’t that just adorable? Anyway, What I’ve been wondering for the last couple weeks since we got back together is.. could he change into a different people shape? I swear I saw him at the local bar chatting up that slut Alice. But he was a good 3 inches taller, thinner and looked a decade older! He says it wasn’t him but I still have this niggling worry..

Sign me: Suspicious

Dear Suspicious,

Dear, dear girl- caught up in the age old worry of fidelity is a tangle, isn’t it? Let’s just be grateful your beloved is not a “yucky vampire”, to begin with. Count your blessings, such as they are.
And bats really aren’t such horrible creatures. I’ve known many people who’ve had them in their belfries for years! HA HA!! But if he’s willing to switch to a Persian kitty, all the better. Just be sure to stock up on kitty litter and hairball remedy. My last bit of advice here might not be so pleasant, but here goes: I know that slut Alice. I’ve seen many a man, human, shifter, whatever- do unbelievable feats just to be with her, if you get my drift. If I were you, I’d hang him from your mother’s chandelier in his human form by his most delicate private parts and leave him there to ask himself if Alice was worth it.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose