Ask Dr. L: Humans Taste Bloody Good

October 10, 2009 by  


For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 16, 2009:

Dear Doctor L:

My vamp boyfriend says my blood tastes too salty, but I swear I am on a low sodium diet. What do you think is the problem, or is he trying to give me the flick for someone sweeter??

Salty Siren

Dear Doctor Ludwig:

Is there anyway to really tell if my vampire girlfriend likes me for myself, or just because I’m diabetic? Can a vampire have a sweet tooth?


Dear Salty Siren and Gill,

I will answer your questions together as you both seem to be having similar issues with your vampires. I suggest to you both eat lean red meat and liver, they are both rich sources of iron and are easily absorbed. It is a common myth that blood tastes like copper but it is actually the iron in your blood that can be tasted. If you truly want to get into the different varieties of tastes, try varying your diet with mint, pineapple juice (yes it also changes blood flavor slightly) and lime. The effects may be slight to none. Vampires cannot taste sugar in the blood as glucose is not necessary for vampires nutrition and does not provide them with energy as it does us. Vampires derive their energy from our life forces, you’ll notice that ‘True Blood’ is not caffeinated! So don’t worry about not being sweet enough or being too sweet. If your blood tastes too salty? Stop Crying like a baby every time be bites you.

One other tip that I would suggest for you? Track down an empty bottle of True Blood your Vampire drinks (O negative, A, B etc.) and look at what ingredients are on the bottle. Take the necessary vitamin supplements to match the concoction and you will be on your way to tasting fangtastic.

And humans, this isn’t a cooking advice hotline. I suggest you wiki this information before you ask a reputable doctor about flavors. Since the vamps came out of the coffin there are numerous forums on this topic.

Now Scram!

Doctor Ludwig


Tell me, is it true that the legendary Dr. Van Helsing, the tireless, humorless adversary of the infamous undead Count in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” (and a character in so many subsequent versions of the classic story) was, like ol’ Vlad himself, indeed a real-life person and actually a vampire slayer? And beyond that, is there any truth to the rumor that you yourself are a descendant of that notorious vampire hunter?


Dear Anon,

There are many things in this life that you may not be aware of, reality and fiction blend into legend and sometimes those whom we hoped to be fictional are now feared as fact. While there is much to be admired about the literary Dr. Van Helsing, his strong commitment to his calling, his intelligence, his morals, how he turned a phrase, the way he dressed and the scent of his aftershave… er where was I?  Oh yes, I was saying how it vexes me that I must tell you that any record of a Dr. Van Helsing existing would not be a question for a Doctor such as me, but more for a historian.

As for me being a descendant of the Slayer, what preposterous nonsense. His very existence is in question yet you believe I’m his offspring? And if I were, do you think I would reveal myself and risk making enemies of my clientele? Is this a stupidity test because if so.. you’re passing with flying colors!

I will not answer your question – as you see fit to remain anonymous, I see fit to keep my personal details a secret.

I am watching you…

Doctor Ludwig


Dear Dr. Ludwig:
Is there a charity I could contribute to to further your research into appropriate medical protocols for supes?
Your work is incredibly important and deserves more support and recognition.

Toni C,

What a generous offer, I truly appreciate people like you who wish to help me further my research by donating money to the cause of supes, how flattering, how kind.

You are right, my work is incredibly important and it deserves both significant financial support and worldwide recognition, just as it is currently receiving. How dare you suggest I am not recognized for my work. Why my work is recognized far and wide as the premier work on Vampires, Shifters and Wares as well as various other creatures best left unnamed.  I’m very well financially compensated for my healing and ‘donations’ to my research continue to flow as freely as arterial blood.  Bah! Amateur.

Unless you are a powerful force in the supernatural world I doubt you would have anything to contribute to my cause. And if you were such a person I would undoubtably be in contact with you already and if this is the case, stop by my office should you want to make a deal.

If we haven’t met before then know this now, I am not interested in charity.

Leave me alone… unless you would like to volunteer as a ‘lab rat’ for one of my experiments!

Uncharitably yours

Doctor Ludwig

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

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  • Michael Cary Goncalves

    There are THREE kinds of People in the “Big Easy”: Vampires, Fangbangers and LUNCH. You are either One of the Other…or LUNCH!!! Also, I don’t know how many times I told the brother (you know, the Fry Cook) to “Keep his Punk Ass out of the Nineth Ward”. Ya’ll got HEP C and HEP D down there, not to mention AIDS and that shit’ll jack a vampire up. As for his becoming a Vampire, serve his UNDEAD ass right!!! Brother going to sell “V” on the slide and word is going to get around. What is that ol’ Vampire saying? “Down Low Brother, Sneaky Mother Fuggah”!!! Oh Well?!!! As for that “V” shit, OK, so I tried it a couple times. I am NO JUNKIE and I can quit whenever I want—I just don’t want to. When I trip, I don’t drive, I stay with friends and no, I don’t trip with my vampire girlfriend Arianna. It’s not that I don’t trust her, it’s just that…I’m not the kind of guy that puts mustard on his ‘better half’ and stick it into the lion cage, so to speak.

  • Michael Cary Goncslves

    Will you Please talk to Stephen Moyer’s Staff about their rudeness? I DO NOT APPREACIATE THEM ASKING “When are you going to get yourself a REAL WOMAN and not an UNDEAD ONE!!!”

    Now that the Vampire Equal Rights Amendment has passed, it is only a matter of time before the the Vampire Marrage Act passes. Question: If Arianna and I have kids will they be Alive or UNDEAD? For Vacation, do I take my kids to Disneyland or Calaveris Caverns?!!! Finally, If I don’t become a vampire, how do I prevent Arianna from cheating on me? I mean, at 100 human years old, I will be shriveled and imputent but she will be 400years old and look like she’s 23. FYI, Yes, I do practice SAFE SEX—I always have a 16″ piece of Silver chain in my left hand whenever I have sex with Arianna—just in case the bitch wants to ‘take liberties’. I also insist on doggystyle or sixty nine because, frankly, I have seen too many blackwiddow/Praying Mantis films on the nature channel to be…naive. Signed JEDIDIAH FANGBANGER III

  • Geneva Johnson

    I have a special Vampire Blood Drink that I made and serve to my friends. It’s healthy and I drink it daily. I feel like a new women after drinking my special Vampire Blood Drink. My problem is that I can’t get my children to drink it. Any suggestions? I will share my special drink recipe if requested.

  • Sharon

    My daughter’s vamp boyfriend is getting a little too bloodthirsty with her, she is always weak and tired. She’s afraid if she refuses him, that he may seek his blood from another girl. What should she do?

  • Dear Dr.Ludwig
    I understand that vampires cannot bore children but my question is do they still have sperm? Ofcourse the sperm would not be able to bear a child but when they orgasm would it still come out…no pun intended

  • Tim

    With all the other Dr. shows on TV daily (The Doctors, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil)Why hasn’t Dr. Ludwig been given her own show on HBO? We need Dr. Ludwig at least once a week!?


    Dear Dr. L,

    We want you back on the show.. Do you have any magical powers we can use to sink that replaying thought in Alan Ball’s head? Your fans are calling you!!


  • Debbie

    Hello Dr. L
    I am so glad that you were able to save Sookie when she was clawed. What I was wondering…since Bill drinks from Sookie on a regular basic….why didn’t he catch on that there was something different about her??? MaryAnn knew it from the first meeting.
    Is it because Bill is relatively young (for a vampire) or is it something else.
    Also is there any way a Vampire can have offspring with a human, or any other being for that matter.
    Thank you so much for your valuable time.

  • Chaz

    Dr. L

    Are there vampire slayers with preternatural strength? Are there any other supernatural creatures that hunt vampires?