Ask Dr. L – It’s the Wild, Wild Wolves!

July 12, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

June 10th, 2010

As a werewolf, I’m prone to violence. Cliche, I know, but I don’t care. I also know what kind of wrath will fall upon me if I succumb to these urges. So do you know any sort of set ups like “American Gladiators?” but for Supes? It’d be nice to have a sanctioned type of place to be physical.


Dear Vash,

My, my- just imagine- a werewolf prone to violence! What will they think of next? Does this mean you won’t come home and be my nice little puppy dog? Just kidding!

Actually, I commend you for looking for outlets for your supernatural urges. You won’t ever hear a vampire asking for something so noble. And since I love watching sports- not for the sport, but to look at the young, hot men playing the sports- I will keep a lookout for a venue for you and your friends to tear each other up in. I will even offer to sew you up afterward for a reduced fee, if you give me free tickets.

And you are so right- the wrath of Dr. Ludwig will fall upon you if I hear of you succumbing to those urges on innocent folks! Grrrrrrrrr……!!!

Hi Dr. L,

Big fan. Anyways, although I know that the events that happen in True Blood are fictional, I know that the supernaturals are real and something to worry about. Watching season 2, Maryann really freaked me out. She took over the whole town. But I also remember that she is some sort of minor Greek God. How common would you say Maenads are?

Terrified Terry

Dear T.T.,

First of all, you throw me for a loop by saying the events in True Blood are fictional. Says who?
As for that scuzzy maenad, Maryann, I could have taken her out right after I repaired Sookie’s back from her nasty attack. But then, nobody asked me…

She was a one note wonder. All the Greek gods I know are happy to stay in their own dimensions and mess with us from there. She just had to try to take over my little corner of the world. But no worries- she’s gone for good. Don’t look over your shoulder for a charging bull. You’re safe. Unless you live on a cattle farm, perhaps.

How ya doin’ there?

I’m a farmer from Wisconsin. I have a lot of cattle that I raise for beef. I’m in constant fear that somethings gonna eat ’em. Something that ain’t a wild varmint. I reckon a werewolf would…cause they are like half wolf. But what about vampers? What if they were desperate and there was no humans around. Could they even drink other kinda blood? Should I line my fences with silver and grow lots of garlic?

Agricultural Andy

Hello, Farmer Andy,

Funny, I just mentioned a cattle farm in the last reply- gee, I must be getting psychic!
But your question is a serious one, I’m sure, so I will address it as such. You are correct, a werewolf could and would eat your cattle. I’ve seen the aftereffects, and it is not pretty. And though they are more prone to human blood, a desperate “vamper” would take blood from your cattle as well, and it would result in very anemic beef for your consumers.

Yes, you could line your fences with silver and grow a lot of garlic. But here is what I suggest: Get a big flock of chickens. Chicken blood tends to make males cocky, and females lay better.
I’ll be here all week, folks!

Hey Dr. L,

Having just found out that there are werewolves in the world I’m very concerned. You see, I live out in the Rockies and have noticed a brand new wolf-pack has moved in. I’m very familiar with the local pack and they seem very nervous and have started ranging higher in the mountains.
The local Elk seem to be moving out of the way of the new pack as well.

All this happened about the same time as a the old Mayfield property was bought up by some kind of commune or religious sect or something. I was talking to the local butcher in town and he told me that they’ve ordered so much meat from him that he’s had to hire a new guy just to keep up. He’s hired the Simpson kid, now there’s an odd duck for you. Always studying the animals, hardly ever hangs out with the other kids in town. And at least once a week someone says they’ve caught him running naked
in the woods! Anyway, do you think these new folks up at Mayfield could be werewolves? How can I find out?

Worried Willy

Dear Willy,

Sounds like you have good reason to be worried! Personally, I’d be getting out of Dodge if it was a religious sect or commune moving in. Those people are STRANGE. And coming from me, that’s saying something. But your neighbors seem to be even spookier. When the meat starts to disappear, trouble can’t be far behind. (did I just say that???).
So, as a word of advice, I’d start looking to relocate. Or, get yourself a big flock of chickens (see previous reply…ba dum bump).

Hey Dr. L,

I know that most vampires are extremely old and are stuck in their ways. But I also know that there are new ones, “made” every so often. With vampires being out of the coffin, I’m sure it is now easier than ever to continue on with the same life goals as you had as a human. Therefore, do you think new vampires still would go to college to learn things? Are colleges making arrangements for vampires to enter their classrooms?


Stanely the Sage

Dear Stanley,

First of all, I resent the idea that if a person- or vampire– is of a certain age, that we, I mean they are stuck in their ways. Some folks remain vibrant and imaginative and young at heart, no matter the chronological age. Just wanted to clear that up, Stan.
As for vampires going to college, I have yet to meet one of these egotistical, vain, vile creatures who don’t think they know everything already, so why would they go to college? The really young newbies are so busy destroying things and people, and being generally obnoxious, they have no time for college. So please know, your hallowed halls are safe from these fiends. Well, unless you offer night classes on sexual perversion, or the like.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose