Ask Dr. L – Memories

May 27, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

May 26th, 2010

I was watching the episode “I Will Rise Up”, and I noticed Bill saying that it takes only one or two drops of blood for a vampire to form a link with a human. My question is if the same logic goes for “V” users. Do we know whether or not a vampire is able to sense any user who takes one or two drops of his blood, even if he/she’s never come in contact with that person?
Well, well…this is an intelligent question! Didn’t realize we had some serious thinkers out here, so you are a breath of fresh air! I am usually dealt with fangbangers trying to figure out ways to entice vampires, or shape shifters facing identity crises, etc. Anyhow, yours is an  intelligent, yet fairly easy to answer query. As you have stated,  it only takes a drop or two of blood to form a link with a vampire. It does work both ways to a degree, although the undead seem more keenly in tune with humans who have received their blood than vice versa most times.
However, since V is very concentrated, and has gone through a very rigorous process before it is used- and I had better not hear of it’s being used outside of medical practices, you hear me?- it is highly unlikely and of the cell memory would remain. But that has not been fully tested especially in cases where it’s taken fresh from the cow, so to speak.
My question to you is, “Why do you ask?”. Have you used V outside of medical purposes and you are being drawn to a particular vampire? Hmmmmm????? See, I noticed an omission of a signature, so perhaps you are feeling a bit guilty??? I will hunt you down, you know…

Hey Dr. L,
I’m the coach of a Volleyball team.  The guys work hard at practice but during games, they have no energy or confidence.  Do you know of any of the supes who might rent themselves out to be motivators, or could vampires glamor my players into not being timid?  Hell, you intimidate me over the Internet.  I’ll pay you to do it.
Concerned Coach
Dear CC,
Ah, as I am sure you know, I am a sports fan. Not so much for the sports themselves, but for the sheer pleasure of watching those young, strong, toned bodies on a playing field or court or whatever. But you are correct that it takes a certain ferocity and confidence to be winners.
I know you were just trying to flatter me by saying that I intimidate you over the Internet- and I LOVE to be flattered!-and when you mentioned pay, I was already there. But my ever increasingly busy schedule as a world renowned physician, researcher, author, speaker, healer and Cougar just don’t allow me the time for this.
I will put the work out to the supernatural community, but here’s a head’s up- do not, I repeat, NOT trust a blood sucking vampire to help you with anything. They tend to take your money, then turn you into one of them. I’ll let you know what I come up with. Thank you so much for the high compliment of saying I am intimidating. I feel it is a gift.

Okay Dr. L,
Have I got a money making idea.  Most vamps are super old.  That means that a lot of them know and have actually have witness incredible things in history.  I’m a historian and you have a lot of good connections. What if we worked together to actually “recreate” authentic history, from first hand eye witnesses.  We can split things down the middle. You know how many people would pay good money to have actual Civil War soldiers reenact the Battle of Gettysburg?  Gold mine.
History Hunter
Hey there, Hunter,
You are correct about many vampires being very old. Some of them, including one who tends to plague me quite often, have lived for a thousand or so years. But that is where your gold mine idea tends to go bust. Any information or knowledge they have would come at a very high price which might even include your becoming one of them. And even then, you can’t trust them as far as you can throw them, so who says it would even be true? Think about the price you might be required to pay and then ask yourself if it might not be worth it to continue perusing all those dusty old tomes and coming up with the information yourself.
As for this “we can split things down the middle” stuff- who is “we”? If you mean to include me in that we, it would be at least a 75-25 split in my favor.
Dr. L

A friend of mine is a shifter.  Lately he hasn’t been feeling well…andI don’t know why.  But he hasn’t been coming out of his house and he
just kind of lays around.  I really want to take him to get some medical  help but, he is refusing due to his “condition.”  But I think I finally convinced him that he really needs to go.  My question is:
Since he spends part of his life as animals…should I take him to a doctor or a vet?
Concerned Carissa
Hello, CC,
Are you kidding me? I mean, you can’t be serious about this, right? You are writing into MY column, to get FREE ADVICE from me, DR. LUDWIG, famous doctor of supes and humans alike.  Come on, not even you could  have eaten a big enough bowl of stupid to ask me such a ridiculous question. HE SHOULD MAKE AN APPOINTMENT TO SEE ME!!! I take cash or major credit cards.
The nerve of some people!

Hi Dr. L
I’m able to hear peoples thoughts.  I’ve never really use it to my advantage or anything, I just try to live as normally as possible.  My
one friend, who is a huge fan of yours by the way, and reads your site and all this stuff on vampires keeps telling me that I should keep in hiding.  He said that the Vampires might want me for more than my blood.  I live in a really rural area of Pennsylvania and I can almost guarantee that there are no vampires.  But anyways…is it true?  Am I a high priority target for vampires if they figure out what I am?
Hi, Kaylie,
I would like to introduce you to a young woman I have treated who has the same “gift” as you do- telepathy.  Her name is Sookie Stackhouse. The stories I am sure she could tell you about the perils those nasty blood sucking fiends put her through would curl your hair! I have tried, unsuccessfully, to persuade her to leave that element behind. She’s a sweet girl, but seems to be bound and determined to get herself into all manner of life threatening situations because she lets those evil vampires use her for her talents. Sigh…what’s a good doctor to do?
As for you, get in touch with my office. We have a witness protection program for telepaths…for a fee, of course. Hey, what price do you put on your life?
Dr. L

Hello “Doctor”
Although I know your age is somewhat considerable, mine is a similar level.  I do still find it amusing that you adopt the notion that your
pithy advice and answers are something of actual value.  These humans and pathetic scum that read your column are just mindless automatons that think your advice gives them so degree of control in their meaningless lives.
Yet I can not deny that you have gained a certain following.  Therefore, for the sake of all who happen to stumble upon the tiny little niche of the internet that you have carved out for yourself, please tell the good people:  Where did you get your Doctorate?  You call yourself a doctor, don’t the people have a right to know where you’ve obtained your education?  Was the institution accredited?  Did you pass your board exams?  Where did you do your residency?  Did they even have an education system when you were growing up?  Or are you just a fraud, like your dear old friend Ms. Cleo?
Oh Lord, here we go again. Have you nothing better to do with your time than to badger me? You are supposed to be Mr High And Mighty Vampire Boss- don’t you have women to seduce, or people to rip apart limb by limb, or something like that? And lest you forget, who do you call upon when one of your kind, or one of your humans needs medical assistance and most other doctors flee in terror? Hmmm???? You might want to take that into consideration lest you find I am indisposed next time you call on me. That, or find my price has gone up yet again.
As to your query about my training, any time you are brave enough to come into my office, you can see my multiple degrees and certificates I have on display. The mysteries of healing and medicine I have garnered over the years would (and do) fill volumes used by the venerated institutions to teach medical students.
So, to bring things up to date, Step Back, Jack.  Your opinion and a dollar will buy me a cup of coffee at McDonalds.
Dr. L

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

Header Credit: K. S. Rose