Ask Dr. L — Putting the V in Evil

May 12, 2011 by  

Ask Dr. L

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 21, 2011

Hey Doc!

I’ve got a question y’all might be able to answer. I heard if you combine V with Tequila and True Blood after 3 days in a sweat lodge, ya kin see God. Is this true? Does the phase of the moon matter? Does where you do it matter? Like are there holy places which are more suitable?

Sign Me,
Sweatin’ It

Dear Sweaty,

I would really love to know who wrote this question for you. You obviously can’t read, therefore can’t write, either. Do you wonder how I know you can’t read? Because you obviously have never read my column, or you would know I NEVER advocate using V for anything other than medical and healing purposes!!! The nerve!

But I might suggest you go into your sweat lodge, mix some tequila with True Blood (minus the V), and drink this potion while sweating. You might see God…or Jerry Garcia.

Now leave me alone!

Hey Doctor L,

I’m pregnant with my 3rd child only… only the father is a serial killer what was living with me and my babies for months! Needless to say, he was put down like the dog he was… but now, I keep having horrible dreams. I jes know this child is EVIL, you know what I mean? I even tried to abort it myself in the woods with a witch but it didn’t work, I mean, I bled out, but the baby was just fine. This can’t be a good sign.. can it?
A for Anguished

Dear Anguished,
Before I answer your question, I have one of my own, to you. Why on earth do women stay with evil men, once they see their true natures? You say he was living with you and your babies. Why not kick his sorry butt out? And if it were me, if I were in fear of him (which in my case is highly unlikely), I’d kill him in his sleep, and tell God he died.
Anyhow, you’re right, if a witch in the woods can’t rid you of this child, nothing can. You’re stuck carrying and giving birth to another monster. Now, if you’d come to see me in my office, I could certainly have helped you, at least with the tests to prove whether or not the baby is, indeed, evil. But you brought in a witch, so my hands are now tied. They carry some ugly energy that even I don’t want to tangle with.
Sorry. Have a nice day.

 

Howdy,

I would never take V but there’s talk that mixing it in with a cucumber and cocoa butter face mask for eight hours at night will eliminate all these darn wrinkles and cure your acne too. Is there any factual basis for this? I swear my girlfriend Darla has been splashin’ the V for a few weeks now and she IS looking better. Have you heard of any studies about this sort of thing. I mean, it’s expensive I know but keepin your good looks is priceless!

Call Me Bags
OK, “Bags” it is,
Just when I think the questions can’t get any more frivolous, you come along and prove me wrong. Do you realize why V is expensive? Well, DO you? It is because it is not easy to come by. Though all vampires I know are blood sucking fiends who still greatly enjoy drinking human blood often, they aren’t exactly of the mind that turn about is fair play, and are not keen on sharing their blood, from which the precious V is extracted. So even if I had heard of studies of mixing V with cucumbers and cocoa butter to smear on your saggy face, I would not tell you. Go shoot up some Botox.

Ma boy has been seein’ a vampire we’ll call J. and she’s just got him all twisted around. I hate these vampires, I mean, who do they think they are actin like normal folks. My baby won’t have no babies if he stays with this gal. Is it so wrong of a mama to want to see some grandbabies before she passes on? And the worst part is this gal wears red shoes! I mean, you just know she’s a hussy. I’ve tried setting him up with a good Baptist gal but he threw her over like yesterday’s leftovers. I suppose it could be worse — he could be datin’ a Catholic. Anyway.. do you have any advise for me? He won’t even speak to me now and he won’t take me to Bingo neither.
Future M-I-L to a Vamp!

Dear M-I-L to a V,

I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but you’re a really fundamental religious nut, aren’t you? I mean I don’t have any love lost on vampires myself, but to call this female fiend a hussy because she wears red shoes? I happen to love red shoes- and I am NOT a hussy- a cougar, perhaps, but no hussy!
But, to address your problem, I’d say the best way to assure he stays with “J” is to keep throwing those Baptist gals his way. I mean you are aware that vampires are very sensual and sexual creatures. As a rule, good Baptist gals are not. You getting my drift, Mama? Get your head out of your butt and leave the kid alone.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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