Ask Dr. L – Round and Round the Mulberry Bush

April 19, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

April 19th, 2010

Dr. L

I’m a vampire. I was made young. I’m an athlete. I’ve read your earlier work, yes I have pictures and yes we can meet up. I’m sure someone of your impressive knowledge knows a few *things* even I don’t.

But the main, thrust, of the question is this: I’m competitive. I play football, basketball, and baseball. I’m just too good. No mortal can handle me and there are far too few supes around here to offer me a challenge. I mean I know I could just kill a werewolf, but they won’t know that I’ve beat them if they are dead. Do you know of any professional or even just recreational supe sporting leagues?

Fine Toned Specimen

Dear Fine Toned,

So you say you have read my earlier work, thus you know I love a toned, sports like body on my young men. And you say I know a few *things* even you don’t. And then you jump to the question of whether or not I know of any supe sporting leagues. Hmmmm…where do I begin?

I’ll answer in reverse order. What with the use of steroids, and yes, V, being so prevalent in the professional sports teams, one has a difficult time deciding whether some of these players are just humans who are pumped up on drugs, or if they are, indeed, supernaturals. I lean towards the notion that the teams with animal names might just include at least a shifter or two.

Next, what *things* I know that you don’t would take the next hundred years to try to write down, you impertinent young boy! Of all the nerve!

And last, but not least, IF you have read my earlier work, then you know I enjoy the company of men, not F-ing VAMPIRES!!!

Now go away and leave me alone, you blood sucking fiend!

Hello Dr. L,

I’ve got a paranoia that a vampire is after me. I don’t know if its right or not…but anyways. When exactly does the sunlight start to burn a vampire? Does it have to actually hit their skin? If a vampire went out in the light but had a scuba suit on that covered all of his skin, would he still start to burn up?

Paranoid Pam

Hello, Pam,

Are you blond, by the way? Just guessing, but I get the sense maybe you are, because to be honest, this is a stupid question. It is not precisely the sunlight, but the rays from the sunlight that burn vampires, and not even a scuba suit will filter them out. Duh…
And Pam, dear, as for your paranoia, what do you think, I will give you psychoanalysis here, for FREE??? Make an appointment. I take cash, check, major credit cards…

‘Sup Dr.L,
With Vamps, Shifters, Maenads,and Weres out there how can I, as a devout Christian, be sure that there is a God? Most of these creatures are pretty capable of doing some of the miracles stated in the bible such as rising from the dead (vamps) turning water into wine (witches) and giving out life giving blood (Vamps again)! So how can i even be sure that everything I’ve devoted my life too isn’t a lie?


Dear Aggie,

Oh, you are stepping into some mighty precarious territory, my friend! I can only speak for myself, a not devout any religion person, yet a believer in a power greater than me (though I know you find that hard to believe). Do you think I would be as confident around such creatures as those I work with on a regular basis if I didn’t talk to the Big Guy (or perhaps Gal) to ask for a little back up now and then? And I have to tell you, sometimes when I have worked on these often vile creatures and the pain level gets a little high, I hear the screams of “Oh God!” or the taking of that same God’s name in vain quite often, so they are at least closet believers themselves.

As the song says (by Journey, I think), “Don’t Stop Believein'” And hey, if the whole things turns out to have been a cosmic joke after all, at least we went where angels feared to tread because we DID believe.

Hi Dr.L,
As a human my family raised me in purely Catholic environment, meaning no sex, so i was a virgin all the way up to 29 when i decided that i was going to live my life the way i wanted and sadly this involved going out for a night with vampires at a local bar. This however didn’t end up with me “popping my cherry” but instead with a hot femme vamp burying me in the ground. The next night i awoke with a fresh set of fangs and an eternal hymen. So my question is how can i officially “break my walls down” without them growing back?

Pure and Pretty

Dear PP,

Well, well- this is quite the opposite to what I usually get requested to do (I do work with the Hollywood crowd quite often- shhhhhh!!!!!). I have done many “cherry” repairs, to make a young woman appear virginal. But this is quite a challenge, Ms Pure. I am sure there are many ways this could be accomplished, and none of them fun like regular humans get to do. Although, when I think back to my de- virginizing, the old Peggy Lee song kept running through my mind, “Is That All There Is?” But I digress…

Your healing abilities are going to keep growing that puppy back every time you pop it. So I will research this matter further. Several ideas come to mind, but you know you will have to set up an appointment and come in. Cash, check, major credit card. And of course, if I can retain the magic hymen for research purposes, perhaps to clone more of them, I will be in even bigger demand than I already am! So, we could work in a discount for that.

Call me.

Dear Dr. L:
No offense was intended. I’m an aging relic of an elder time myself.
Anyway, there’s something I’ve always wondered about shifters. Sam can turn into a dog, but the dog weighs less than Sam does in his human form, so where does the extra mass go? Same for other shifters who turn into tigers or bears: where does the extra mass and muscles come from and where does it go when they change back?


Dear Gill,
You must surely enjoy the taste of your foot in your mouth! Did you just insinuate that I am a relic? You have just stepped on my last nerve!

As for your question, it would take me far too long to try to explain the mysteries of space and time continuum to someone who refers to himself as a relic. Use your imagination. And stop insulting me!


I OH SO need your help! I’m a shifter but I seem to not be able to ‘get it right’. For instance, yesterday I turned into a squirrel to snag me a tasty snack off the orange tree next door and, you know.. catch a peek into that geORGeous new neighbor’s window.. nothin’ sick just checkin’ out her digs. Anyway, I got everything right but the tail. Man I ended up with some skinny monkey lookin’ thing. I was SO ashamed! Then today, I tried out a cat but doc, I swear when I checked in the mirror I still had HUMAN teeth! What up wit dat?



By referring to me as “Dude”, it is obvious you have a gender confusion problem. Either that, or you are not the brightest bulb in the marquee. Oh, hey, I think I have found the answer to your problem- GROW A BRAIN!!!

And I am informing law enforcement in your area that there is a peeping squirrel on the loose, with a monkey tail! Pervert.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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