Ask Dr. L — The Devil is In the Details

November 8, 2011 by  

Ask Dr L

 

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

 

Dear readers: I am sorry for my long absence, but I have been quite busy studying new and different techniques of being a successful cougar…er, I mean, doctor to supernatural beings. Here are replies to some of the queries in my backlog:

 

Nov 8, 2011

 

Dear Dr L,
A sneaky devil broke my heart years ago, and he put a spell on me. Can you help?
Bedeviled in WV

 

Dear Bedeviled,
Well, dear, you might imagine I get this sort of question quite often. Women are usually the ones asking, but once in a while I get this question from a man. My gentler, kinder Dr L answer is to pick yourself up, find someone worthy of you and enjoy life in spite of the sneaky devil, letting him see just who and what  he missed.
The second, more “me” answer is to tell you to come in and get some of my anti bedeviled potion. It is formulated to hit each individual where he (or she) is most vulnerable. Example: Does he love his car? This will put a hex on his machine and turn it into a pile of junk. Is he a smooth talker? This will turn him into a blathering idiot around women. Is he proud of his sexual prowess? Guaranteed to turn a stallion into one of those plastic ponies on a Wal-Mart merry-go-round.
Keep me posted, and let me know if you need that potion. It’s costly, but always worth it. PS we can ship to WV, for a little extra.

Dear Dr L,
I don’t know who else to turn to, or I would. You seem kind of creepy to me, but your column does give some pretty good answers to questions that others can’t answer. So, here goes. I live near you, and I know you are familiar with the sinful, crazy goings on in my little town. I am a church going, God-fearing person, but I am starting to get a little fearful living here. I am tired of going out after dark wearing something heavy and garlic around my neck. Doesn’t lead to a very good social life, you know?
Anyhow, much as it pains me, I was hoping you’d know of some sort of full service protection against those awful vampires, as well as the werewolves and shape shifters I have come across. I want to be able to make sure anyone I have fellowship with is 100% human and normal, know what I mean?
Can you help me?
Nervous Nelly

 

Dear NN,
Creepy? ME? Well, that’s a good way to start a conversation in which you are asking for my help, isn’t it? Bet you are not the sharpest tack in the box, now are you? Because I could, theoretically, lead you to something exactly opposite of what you are asking me for, and you’d be in a real fix then, hmmm???
But, my ethical standard don’t allow me to do that- even to a sniveling cry baby like you. I suggest you come into the office and order one of my specially designed silver body suits, infused with crosses and odorless garlic throughout. You might look a little odd at first- no, strike that- you WILL look a lot odd at first, but as soon as these babies catch on, they will become all the rage. Trust me. And there is no one size fits all here- we custom make these. I mean come on, if it fits me, is it also going to fit that awful Viking? Not that he’d be able to wear it, but that was an example.
Call my office for an appointment. And creepy- I never!

Hey, hey, Dr L,
How’s my favorite little doctor hottie doing these days? You may not remember me, but I have written to you here many times before, asking you to go out with me in my tricked out 57 Chevy. You always shot me down in the past, but I am a very positive thinker, so I live in hope. Can I pick you up tonight at say, 9 pm?
Sign me,
Livin’ in hope

 

Dear “Livin'”
News flash: Hope is not only dead for you, but the ashes have been scattered all over the bayou.
I hear the blow up dolls have come a long way…

Dear Dr L,
I have a beautiful baby boy, only 3 years old. He is such a joy to my husband and me, and we are so happy to have him. We couldn’t have children of our own, and we adopted him through rather shady channels, as we are older, and not qualified for regular adoptions.
I’ll just get right to the point. Our baby has begun to display some rather troubling behaviors. We have noticed that when he has an itch, he will scratch it just as easily with his feet as with his hands. When the moon is full, he sometimes makes growling noises, and last time, he full-out howled. But most disturbing was last week, when I went into the bathroom after he’d asked to go in there and I found him, well, licking himself dry. I was horrified.
Can you help us, please? We love our son, and we want him, no matter what, but is there anything you can do?
Mom in distress

 

Dear Mom,
Well, I do understand people wanting children. I never wanted any myself, as not only am I too busy in my career to raise a child, but also, he or she would likely be taller than me by the time they went to school. So I can’t exactly empathize, but I hope I can advise you.
First, let’s just get to the truth: It sounds like you have a baby were or shifter. You are in luck, because I do have a behavioral group at my clinic that helps train these “unique” children- sit, stay, roll over, etc. And, if you enroll today, I’ll give a half price on all vaccinations, including rabies and parvo.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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  • Dear Dr. L!  Thank you for helping all these poor devils in distress like me.  I am an out of work actor and I would love a bit part on “True Blood.”  Who do I have to kill to get an audition for the show??  Or better yet, can you whip up a potion of some kind that will make me irresistable to cast in any film, tv show around??  I think you are really the coolest doc in the world!!