Ask Dr. L: Vampires and Sex

September 1, 2009 by  

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 1, 2009:

Dear Dr. L:
Your knowledge of vampires and other supernatural beings is so well known that I was hoping that you can answer a question for me.  I know that some supernatural beings have been able to impregnate female humans and I was wondering if, under a certain specific set of circumstances, vampires can procreate with humans as well? I appreciate your time and your expert opinion.
T B Fan

Dear TB fan,

First let me address your name, how, and why, does one become a fan of Tuberculosis? I am sure you know that pulmonary tuberculosis, or TB, is a contagious bacterial infection primarily involving the lungs that is spread through by breathing in moist droplets put into the air by an infected person coughing or sneezing (the medical term for that is: GHAK!)..  Nearly 1 in 10 thousand people in the US has TB at any time.

Humans are interesting creatures and though fandom may take many forms – yours is a first and it’s possible you’re sick in more ways than one.

As for your question of certain specific circumstances surrounding Vampire impregnation, honey – think of it this way. If your man has been shooting blanks for one hundred plus years, what makes you think that any form of medical circumstance could reverse this condition?

Vampires cry blood, not tears – think about that for a minute. There has been some interesting cloning research done recently with bats; interesting in that Chinese sense of the word. Vampires unique metabolism seems very well suited to reproducing themselves through cloning but so far as soon as the cloned vampire bat reaches a certain size it becomes obsessed with destroying the sourced original.   And there is another study utilizing vampirized rats that’s yielding some interesting results implicating the potential for artificially hybridizing the two species but so far the results have not been worth stopping the presses over. Not unlike the recent debacle trying to hybridize potatoes and tomatoes that ended up with a plant with poisonous roots and fruits, so far the mother has been vampirized by the fetuses stopping their advancement at the equivalent of the 3rd trimester.  Mercifully, the whole experiment has ‘met the sun’ as I can’t imagine a much worse situation than to be either an eternal fetus nor suffering an eternal pregnancy. If you still believe that you could get pregnant by a vampire, get your head out of the Twilight saga, focus on the real world and buy some condoms.

I’ve taken the liberty to book you for a complete TB screening and psychology exam stat.

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Doctor L.

Hi Dr.Ludwig, As a single woman, i was always curious what it would be like to be a vampire, and always also wanted to know who supplies their blood to your cause? Eric Northman must’ve paid you in his blood or another vampire’s blood for your payment for Sookie Stackhouse’s recent treatment for her clawed and poisoned system. Also how long have you been a doctor of the supernatural world?

Christine

Dear Creeper Christine,

Although your questions are masked as medical enquiries I can see through that façade of yours. A single woman, interested in how to get her mitts on a few vials of V, always wondering what it would be like to be a Vampire. Honey I ain’t no psychologist but your introduction reads like the profile of an undercover Vampire. How long have I worked as a doctor in the supernatural world? I may be old sweetie but I am not stupid. I understand you are trying to get information out of me about Eric Northman, but I wish to know who’s district you work for. Contact me directly, and stop hiding behind this act.

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Dr. L,

My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool ‘Fangbanger’. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl and my main interests are surfers, sun bathing, gardening and beach volleyball although lately I find myself oddly attracted to the stage… Anyway, I was at Merlotte’s the other night, and there he was! This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! I tried to ignore him and managed to convince my girlfriend not to call him over by ordering the garlic toast, but it was if I’d been ‘mesmerized’ as David Letterman would say. If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?

Rebecca

Sunnybrook, LA

Rebecca,

If your intentions are pure then I would suggest following your heart. It is full of blood and that is one thing that vampires honestly do love. This is not a dating advice line, this is for serious medical advice only, so I shall get down to business.

As vampiric blood has the ability to cure disease and heal wounds, there would be no disease that you could contract from a vampire other than the affliction of vampirism itself and Hepatitis D which is asymptomatic in humans. The process of changing humans into vampires is not completely understood at this time but during the transformation all human infections are destroyed. Blood is the vehicle of infection but the changes go clear to the bone as well as passing the blood brain barrier causing psychological changes including the desire to feed on humans and oddly, inflating the ego.

Vampire sex is therefore oddly fairly safe unless you consider the possibilities or death.. or undeath.

If you want to stay safe I’d recommend buying a farm and staying far away from Bon Temps and  stay off the stage!  I have a friend named Em who’s got a farm up in Kansas for sale although there are occasional problems with tornadoes and some problem with a calculating scarecrow… Let me know if you’re interested I get a 2% finders fee.

Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

To view past Q & A check the Dr. L archives!

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  • victoria

    “Sookie and Erice’ pam showld of shout up and let Eric tell Sookie what she wonted to no about Bill Please we no that sookie not get with Eric, don’t let her jump man to man please don’t make her one of those kind.Eric alway get stop give the man achance going to do or give her the power to get in there head. we have feeling shes gonig back in fairy dream land agin when she going to find out the queen was going to drain her to walk in the sun light thats what Bill realy sent there for Eric told pam no! no!and he didn’t tell pam what sookie was i beleive if Bill ( i hope some thing gets out in this season) Sookie so hung up on Bill its got to hit her in the head before she fine out the truth she told Erie she no but tell her why.(please dont let sookie go blood crazy over her blood)the kings estate empey where did qween go alsot of sose end the season jumping all over the books when do haley become vamp.and this season not much sex it tuke 5 weeks to get the ball rowing and now we still waiting weeks lelfed hey like Frankin said on the buzz HBO….. man true blood sexy where is its we love true blood showld be longer now we have to wait agine come on i no there more then jesh use said this and hee in Eps. 10 nother bunch turners in to panthers we cant wait for the noxst 2 week so we see how this going to work out im shore be alot of talk about this season alllen hope you can play it off love you all season should be longer it tuke all season 4 to get in oder this isnt jesh me it about 20 of use victoria in jasper bunch please

  • victoria

    Hi, there ever body we have a bunch that wath every sunday to and talk about it all the time any questions this time why did eric come to sookie alot say he realy did wont to tell sookie thing what will sookie do when she fines out what bills hiding Eric drawed to sookie some time she says silly things his never had her blood when is she going to reliezs that

  • Vampire fan

    Has anyone heard of the ‘tradition’, of being the seventh child of a seventh child, and automatically becoming a vampire?
    If so, please could you tell me some information.
    I am an aspiring story writer and am currently writing a string of short stories about vampires. One of my main vampires, a female, is a vampire by being the seventh child of a seventh child. Her partner is a male who is a vampire by being bitten. I am aware that ‘normal’ female vampires cannot conceive, but I would like to know if my female vampire can get pregnant as she was born a vampire and grew up as one. I am also aware that many vampires can start their families by biting other humans and considering them as children. I appreciate your opinions and comments.

  • sasivarnan

    Dear Dr. Ludwig

    I am a 25 years old male. Recently I have diagonosed with TB in semen. is TB in semen cause infertility? What are the chances of fertile if TB is treated? can I masturbate while TB in semen? please reply to my questions

    • victoria

      I’m sorry to tell you this but yes you. Go to the Dr’s in your cite and they will tell you all adout TB.

  • curiousone

    ok i have to ask the question everyone is thinking – if vampires cry blood – are all body fluids blood?

  • Dear Dr. L,

    Do you think it is possible for a vampire like Eric Northman, to realize how many women he has falling in lust/love with him?
    Is there a cure to get us out of this dream land he is putting us all under?
    Is there anyway to bewitch Allen Ball to get you back on the show for next season?

  • Debbie

    Dear Dr. L:
    I have a question for you; I know of three individuals who have partaken of Vampire blood. Jason, who drank from a young vampire, developed an erection that proved extremely painful. Then Sookie drank Bill’s Blood but that helped the healing process from being clawed which you treated. Finally Lafayette who drank from Eric and his gunshot was healed and he was energerized from it. Then later Sookie drank some of Eric blood and it affected her with erotic dreams, just like it did for Lafayette. However neither Sookie, nor Lafayette, especially Lafayette didn’t need to hit the meat locket and wrap his male appendage with a steak or similiar item. The only think that seems to have happen to Sookie is she healed faster and have erotic dreams but nothing more negative. What I was wondering since Sookie has both Eric and Bill why prevents her to have erotic dreams of both Bill and Eric together. Now Jason seems to be over the effects of V. Lafayette and Sookie have erotic dreams. I am wondering does that stop after a while or continue to happen on and on.
    Debbie in KY

  • Sharon Hopkins

    My friend’s daughter had an out of wedlock child four years ago, and isn’t sure who the daddy is. One of the suspects has since been turned. Can a parental DNA test be run on a vampire?

  • Anna G

    Dear Dr L,

    My vamp boyfriend says my blood tastes too salty, but I swear I am on a low sodium diet. What do you think is the problem, or is he trying to give me the flick for someone sweeter??

    Salty Siren

  • Gill Avila

    Dear Doctor Ludwig:

    Is there anyway to really tell if my vampire girlfriend likes me for myself, or just because I’m diabetic? Can a vampire have a sweet tooth?

    Gill

  • Travis C. Moe

    Tell me, is it true that the legendary Dr. Van Helsing, the tireless, humorless adversary of the infamous undead Count in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” (and a character in so many subsequent versions of the classic story) was, like ol’ Vlad himself, indeed a real-life person and actually a vampire slayer? And beyond that, is there any truth to the rumor that you yourself are a descendant of that notorious vampire hunter?

  • ToniC

    Dear Dr. Ludwig:
    Is there a charity I could contribute to to further your research into appropriate medical protocols for supes?
    Your work is incredibly important and deserves more support and recognition.
    ToniC