Ask Dr. L: Vampires and Sex

September 1, 2009 by  


For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 1, 2009:

Dear Dr. L:
Your knowledge of vampires and other supernatural beings is so well known that I was hoping that you can answer a question for me.  I know that some supernatural beings have been able to impregnate female humans and I was wondering if, under a certain specific set of circumstances, vampires can procreate with humans as well? I appreciate your time and your expert opinion.
T B Fan

Dear TB fan,

First let me address your name, how, and why, does one become a fan of Tuberculosis? I am sure you know that pulmonary tuberculosis, or TB, is a contagious bacterial infection primarily involving the lungs that is spread through by breathing in moist droplets put into the air by an infected person coughing or sneezing (the medical term for that is: GHAK!)..  Nearly 1 in 10 thousand people in the US has TB at any time.

Humans are interesting creatures and though fandom may take many forms – yours is a first and it’s possible you’re sick in more ways than one.

As for your question of certain specific circumstances surrounding Vampire impregnation, honey – think of it this way. If your man has been shooting blanks for one hundred plus years, what makes you think that any form of medical circumstance could reverse this condition?

Vampires cry blood, not tears – think about that for a minute. There has been some interesting cloning research done recently with bats; interesting in that Chinese sense of the word. Vampires unique metabolism seems very well suited to reproducing themselves through cloning but so far as soon as the cloned vampire bat reaches a certain size it becomes obsessed with destroying the sourced original.   And there is another study utilizing vampirized rats that’s yielding some interesting results implicating the potential for artificially hybridizing the two species but so far the results have not been worth stopping the presses over. Not unlike the recent debacle trying to hybridize potatoes and tomatoes that ended up with a plant with poisonous roots and fruits, so far the mother has been vampirized by the fetuses stopping their advancement at the equivalent of the 3rd trimester.  Mercifully, the whole experiment has ‘met the sun’ as I can’t imagine a much worse situation than to be either an eternal fetus nor suffering an eternal pregnancy. If you still believe that you could get pregnant by a vampire, get your head out of the Twilight saga, focus on the real world and buy some condoms.

I’ve taken the liberty to book you for a complete TB screening and psychology exam stat.


Doctor L.

Hi Dr.Ludwig, As a single woman, i was always curious what it would be like to be a vampire, and always also wanted to know who supplies their blood to your cause? Eric Northman must’ve paid you in his blood or another vampire’s blood for your payment for Sookie Stackhouse’s recent treatment for her clawed and poisoned system. Also how long have you been a doctor of the supernatural world?


Dear Creeper Christine,

Although your questions are masked as medical enquiries I can see through that façade of yours. A single woman, interested in how to get her mitts on a few vials of V, always wondering what it would be like to be a Vampire. Honey I ain’t no psychologist but your introduction reads like the profile of an undercover Vampire. How long have I worked as a doctor in the supernatural world? I may be old sweetie but I am not stupid. I understand you are trying to get information out of me about Eric Northman, but I wish to know who’s district you work for. Contact me directly, and stop hiding behind this act.


Dr. L,

My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool ‘Fangbanger’. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl and my main interests are surfers, sun bathing, gardening and beach volleyball although lately I find myself oddly attracted to the stage… Anyway, I was at Merlotte’s the other night, and there he was! This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! I tried to ignore him and managed to convince my girlfriend not to call him over by ordering the garlic toast, but it was if I’d been ‘mesmerized’ as David Letterman would say. If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?


Sunnybrook, LA


If your intentions are pure then I would suggest following your heart. It is full of blood and that is one thing that vampires honestly do love. This is not a dating advice line, this is for serious medical advice only, so I shall get down to business.

As vampiric blood has the ability to cure disease and heal wounds, there would be no disease that you could contract from a vampire other than the affliction of vampirism itself and Hepatitis D which is asymptomatic in humans. The process of changing humans into vampires is not completely understood at this time but during the transformation all human infections are destroyed. Blood is the vehicle of infection but the changes go clear to the bone as well as passing the blood brain barrier causing psychological changes including the desire to feed on humans and oddly, inflating the ego.

Vampire sex is therefore oddly fairly safe unless you consider the possibilities or death.. or undeath.

If you want to stay safe I’d recommend buying a farm and staying far away from Bon Temps and  stay off the stage!  I have a friend named Em who’s got a farm up in Kansas for sale although there are occasional problems with tornadoes and some problem with a calculating scarecrow… Let me know if you’re interested I get a 2% finders fee.

Dr. L

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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