Ask Dr. L

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For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 28th, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
I’m just gonna start this off straight up yo, I ain’t smart. The only thing I’m good at in school is history and I don’t even know of any jobs I can get in history. I don’t wanna be stuck taking out trash the rest
of my life. My only hope is to try and be a professional sports player. I play three sports. Football. Baseball. Basketball. The best I can figure for football I need good legs. For baseball I need good arms. And for basketball I need good endurance.
So I was wondering, if I managed to find some V, should I try to get it from like a vampire’s leg…for strong legs…and like a vampire’s arm…for like strong arms…and like from a vampires…wherever
endurance comes from for endurance? Is that how it works?
Thanx,
Black Knight Linebacker
Dear Linebacker,
I happen to be a big sports fan, not really for the sport- I don’t know a tackle from a home run- but to see the players hot, toned bodies in action. So, I am more than a bit disappointed you did not include a picture of yourself.  However, I will do my best to answer your question, and maybe you can send me that picture later.

Now, you are obviously not the sharpest tack in the box, and oddly enough, you even admit that yourself.  See, if you had even a teeny, tiny bit of intelligence in that thick skull of yours, you would KNOW that I would never, ever condone (look it up) the use of V for anything other than medical, scientific purposes.  So whether it comes from the vamp’s leg, arm, or any other appendage (again, look it up) I would not dignify (getting tired of looking word up yet?) this idiotic question with an answer.

However, if you are ever interested in meeting a cougar, write me again and send a photo next time.

Cory Brin: Dear Dr. L,
This may sound crazy, but this is the time of year when I start building the theatrical haunted house I run in October. I only can work on during the weekends, so if I don’t start now, I’m in trouble. I recently met my first vampire who told me that he would love to help scare people when October rolls around. But I’m worried about something. I know that vampires and the sun don’t really get along. But in our house we use a lot of Ultra Violet light to make things glow. Will this hurt a vampire because isn’t the sun also Ultra Violet in nature? Will it just make a vampire glow? I would hate to have this vampire volunteer for me, then burst into flames.
Thanks!
Gravestone Gary
Hello, Gary,

Oh, nothing is more fun than a well done haunted house! I have been known to participate in these events, myself.  The sound of a blood chilling scream is so satisfying. I hear them now and again in my practice, but they are more prolific in a haunted house!

As to your question, do you actually know my thoughts and feelings on vampires, dear? Do you understand that I loathe the very idea of these vile creatures? Because if you do, you understand that I do not care if the vampire you engage for your haunted house bursts into flames when making contact with the UV lights.  But let me say this- please invite me this October.  I will bring weenies and marshmallows to roast.

Hey Dr. L,
So I’m one of those gamer guys. Like I play role playing games in my mom’s basement with my pals. I know thats a sterotype…but it’s true, so whatchya gonna do? I’m also a fairly new vampire…let’s just say I got a little too into my hobby.
Anyways, in my Tome Of Monsters, there is a lengthy entry for vampires. All kinda crazy stuff. I’ve been doing some research on “real” vampires every since they made themselves known and I’ve come to learn that the gamers of the world are wrong on a bunch of things. But there is one vampiric trait that I haven’t been able to figure out for sure: Can “real” vampires make thralls? Thralls are described as essentially being blood thirsty, mindless, former humans who never really went through the
complete transformation process. These are usually used by villainous vampires as like some form of an army. I mean I’m guessing not because I’ve never seen one, but I also suppose that us vampires aren’t dumb enough to just let these things run around anymore.
But…can I do that? I never really liked my old gaming group.
Signed,
Icarmadoro, Vampire Lord of Corsotha
Dear Icky,
Because you gaming geeks seem to have a culture and language all your own, and I am not familiar with it, and  have no intention of becoming familiar with it, I am trying the best I can to translate your query. Are you asking me if you can enthrall your gaming group? If so, do you realize and understand that this is not going to improve their IQ or social skills in the least?  They will not suddenly become interesting or socially acceptable. In fact, the experience I have had with thralls is the opposite- the base, animalistic tendencies are enhanced, and they are not the type of people one would want to invite to a party. Trust me.
So, in the interest of humanity in general, and myself specifically, I am not- repeat NOT- going to give you instructions in enthralling your nerdy pals.

Dear Dr.L
I have long wondered how a male having sex with a female vampire may be any different than sex with a reugular human female. I mean a vagina is a vagina! Women can experience the long lasting and ectasy that a male vampire can give but a female really can’t offer anything new. What can you say about that?
Sign me Super Strange!!
Dear SS,
As you may already know, I am not a fan of the fang.  I do not have the slightest idea if sex with a male vampire is any better than sex with a human male. I am an equal opportunity vampire hater.
BUT, that being said, I cannot abide male chauvanist pigs, either.  So, my advice is, IF you can get a female vampire to have sex with you, which I doubt you can, then you had better be able to satisfy and please HER- not be obsessed about getting your own jollies. Because if you don’t- I think you need to get yourself adjusted to a nocturnal existence, for a very, very long time.
Good luck. You really need it.

January 17th, 2010

Greetings Dr. L,

My husband Frederick, a college biology professor, and I have been married 22 years very happily. Last fall, he was made into a vampire by this student of his. It’s just totally scrambled our very mellow, joyful life! We love each other so much that we’re trying to adjust. He’s taken up researching bats and I’ve moved to the night shift at the hospital where I work and I sneak out fresh blood as often as possible. Of course, he still has to feed the normal way and hes’ tried that ‘True Blood’ everyone’s talking about but just doesn’t like it. At first, I
wouldn’t let him bite me at all and that was perhaps a mistake. After all, if you only taste one flavor of blood you don’t know there’s anything else out there. Just like waiting for sex to get married.. yes?

Anyway, he’s now found that he loves B negative blood. The problem is, my blood is A positive! Oh.. he tries to act like it’s great but after more than 20 years of marriage I can tell his heart isn’t in it. Whatever can we do?

Is it possible to get a full body blood transplant? Maybe have that leukemia treatment to kill off my bone marrow and then get it all transplanted? My girlfriend suggested splashing a little B neg on my neck while my catty aunt Melissa thinks he’s just hinting at a menage a trois! The very idea! What do you suggest?

Sanguin in Seattle

PS that uppity student got his.. not only did dear Frederick fail his sorry butt but when I’m bored I find where he sleeps and douse the place with minced garlic!

Dear Sanguin,

First of all, per your PS, I like your style! Dousing the lousy vamp who caused all this hubub with minced garlic is priceless- and I plan to steal your idea and say it was my own. Hey, my advice here is free, so it is rather tit for tat, no?

Now, down to your query. This is indeed a delicate and difficult issue. First off, I will nix the idea of the blood transplant right off. I can see how much you love your husband, and your nobility goes above and beyond. But the fact is, my dear, he is now a vampire. There is not a one of them in the whole lot on earth worth putting yourself through such agony for. Trust me- I’ve seen many, many of these vile creatures over the years, and I wouldn’t cross the street to stop one from being staked myself. You have to understand, he is not the man you married. Although after 20 years, most men are NOT the same, vampire or no. But I digress.

Splashing B neg in your neck might work for a bit, but since he is a biology professor, I suspect he’d catch on sooner, rather than later. And though aunt Melissa may sound catty, he is a man, and again, vampire or no, the idea of a menage a trois is just something males cannot help lusting after. So I say don’t get him used to something you’d have to keep up (no pun intended…).

I believe you might want to invest in my latest invention for this very purpose. It is a very small, discreet tube you can attach to your neck with two ends at the top. At the bottom, which you cleverly hide on your person, you attach a vile of whichever blood type is preferred- in your case, B negative. Then, when he gets into the throes of passion, you simply make sure his viper fangs sink into the tubes, instead of your neck, and he can get the blood flavor of his dreams from you. Trust me, it works. Men in the throes of passion can be made to quack like a duck, if you ask them to.

And lucky you! My product is new on the market, and I am selling it at a new, introductory price, which I cannot disclose here. I will send you the details privately. I know you will be happy with the results. Though why any sane, intelligent woman would even want to hang on to a damned vampire is beyond me.

Hello Dr. L,
Fairly recently, after an extended ‘apprenticeship’ I was turned into a vampire. So far it’s been everything I was promised it would be but there’s only one small toothsome problem. You see, when I was alive, I never lost the right canine baby tooth. The dentist said there just wasn’t another one up there. He said it’s a problem seen more and more frequently as people’s faces get smaller.. Anyway, the problem is that I only have one fang as well! Not only do I have to suck twice as hard to get the nutrition that I need or feed twice as long.. but it causes a horrible lisp and instead of being properly terrified of me they see one
fang and simply burst into laughter! I can’t take much more of this humiliation! Is there anything that can be done? I swear if I don’t find a solution soon I may end up going to Virginia, my family lives there, and sitting on the beach there to await sunrise.

Toothless Tom

To Toothless Tom

Although I am not a dentist, I can assure you there are many of the dental persuasion who are not above doing such disgusting things as implanting a vampire fang for the right price. Modern medicine has come a long way, and I understand you could get such work done, including the high end models that actually have gold plating. If you want information on such dentists, you may send me a referral fee, and I will, indeed, refer you to one of the dentists who do such work.

On the flip side, Virginia beaches are beautiful at sunrise. Think about it.

Dr. L Baby!

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m a lounge singer namma Leisure Suit Larry.. maybe you’ve heard of me? Everyone has. They love my polyester suits and my mellow songs about raindrops and butterflies. I’ve performed all over the east coast in some of your classier dives. The women just LOVE me. I get more free drinks than you can imagine and my pick of women still in the bar at the end of the night. More importantly (hard to imagine something more important than that eh?) I’m the most awesome new werewolf ever!

I was sleepin on the boardwalk in Atlantic City one night.. that would be ON the boardwalk not under it. Just takin’ a nap between shows ya know.. and this big hairy homeless guy was pawin through my coat pocket and drinking my cocktail when I woke up. I swear he was lapping it like a DOG, how unhygienic! Well I just hit a high C to drive him off (ignore those reports that I was screamin like a
little girl.. I swear those folks are just J E A L O U S!) but I so startled him that he bit my hand that was holding the drink. I dropped that martini glass right down off the boardwalk onto the rocks below and you know that came out of my tipjar!

Of course I had to call the police, and the press. Maybe you saw my picture on CNN? Not my best shot honey but I think that bite really got some sympathy tail if you know what I mean.. anyway.. a few days go by and I start sprouting hairs in all kinda of new places. Then one night I found myself looking out through the skylight at the joint I was playing and I couldn’t help myself.. just started howling! The crowd loved it but I had to beat feet because they all started to look.. like prey.

Anyway that night I realized I’d become a werewolf and I’ve been happy as a dog in a pile of bones except for one little thing… seems every time I turn into a werewolf I have the worst case of a bad hair day! It all just stands on end for an hour after I get out of those human clothes and the shocks when opening doors or touching the TV are unimaginable! Really, it’s enough to make me want to shave my whole body-which would take a bloody long time! It’s really taking the zip out of my hard drive if you get my drift..

Can you help me Doc?
Signed LSL

LSL

God, could you possibly be more disgusting? I do my level best to avoid people (?) like you at all costs- and yet you manage to find me anyhow.

Eeeeuuuuwwww!

But, being the kind, benevolent, caring doctor that I am known to be, I have to take your creepy, yet somewhat legitimate question to heart, and at least try to answer with my usual compassion.

I do have some expertise in laser hair removal. Believe me when I tell you not every doctor is going to offer such service to a werewolf, as it would be at least a two, maybe three day procedure. I can set up an appointment for you later this month, but you have to sign a document guaranteeing you will NOT consider me prey. That would suck big time. Though I have never had such a procedure done myself, I understand there is a teeny, tiny level of pain involved. OK, there may be a LOT of pain involved for you, wolfman, but if you want pain meds, that will cost extra. I am not a drug dealer.

Other than that, I hear those Nads thingies from Australia work pretty well. Of course, you’d have to have about a million of them, so my work just may be cheaper. Let me know what you decide.

But either way, you might stop wearing those synthetic fiber suits! You’re building up huge amounts of static electricity and you’re likely to start a damn fire!

Oh, and one more thing, I will not forget that you, Leisure Suit Larry, had the audacity to refer to me as “Dr L Baby”. Grrrrrrrrrr……

Dear Dr. L.,

I do have a question that’s worried me since I delved into the world of vampires, the two-natured, and other assorted supernatural beings. Why on earth do vampires and werewolves/other weres/shapeshifters hate each other? Shouldn’t supes stick together, at least against certain mortals who would do them harm?

Can’t we all just get along?

Sign me,
Morbidly Curious

Dear Morbid,
Are you trying to put me out of business? Do you know how much of my annual income is directly from fights among the supes? There aren’t many of us in the medical profession, particularly of my extremely specialized skills, who will work on things like vampires, werewolves, shifters, and the silly humans who hang around with them. As long as the strife and fighting continues, I will be able to continue living in the style I have become accustomed to, and I will be able to play cougar and sugar mama to the hunky younger men I seem to attract. If everyone suddenly started getting along, I’d be just another doctor in the quickly approaching universal health care system. I’d probably have to start living in just one house, instead of my three- or is it four? Ah, it’s so hard to keep track of such things.

So, brownie points noted for your naive thoughts of us all getting along. Years ago, a guy in Los Angeles named Rodney King spouted this kind of drivel, and look where he is now!

Wise up, Curious!

November 1st, 2009

Dear Dr.Ludwig I understand that vampires cannot have children but my question is do they still have sperm? Of course the sperm would not be able to impregnate a woman but when they orgasm would it still come out…no pun intended.

Just Curious

Dear Curious,

Let me guess- you have a lot of time on your hands, don’t you? Maybe a bit too much time to think of such silly questions as this one? And on top of that, you don’t get out a lot, either, I’ll bet. So, in an effort to simplify my responses, I will say: Yes. Enough said. This is a waste of my medical degree. Go away and find a blow up doll or something to amuse yourself. Crankily,

Dr. L

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Dear Dr. L

With all the other Dr. shows on TV daily (The Doctors, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil) why hasn’t Dr. Ludwig been given her own show on HBO? We need Dr. Ludwig at least once a week! There are just so many unknowns out there now that vampires have crawled out of the ground and we’re hearing rumors of ‘shape shifters’ (heaven only KNOWS what those are) and I swear I saw a werewolf the other day! I thought to myself, that’s just not possible.. or is it? It’s Halloween you know.. maybe just a kid in a suit. But anyway, the public is clamoring for answers to how all these odd creatures function and Dr. L seems to be the only one with answers! What can we do to help get such a show on the air?

Pensive in Pennsylvania

Dearest Pensive,

Well, aren’t you the smartest, sweetest, most clever person I have heard from in a long time! This is such a splendid idea, I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it myself. OK, so I have thought of it, and HBO now has a restraining order…but I digress.

I think these TV “doctors” are all hype. The only ones I watch are Dr. Oz, because he’s an excellent colleague- and he’s HOT, and Dr. Ruth, because she and I are quite alike. No smart ass remarks.

I completely agree, I would be a refreshing addition to the television scene, sharing my supreme knowledge of vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, telepaths, supes of all kind- as well as the rather garden variety humans. Thank you, darling. I get the sense you are a man, and if I didn’t already have a boyfriend, I would give you a big kiss, show you my appreciation in some way.

Hear that, HBO???

Dr. L

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Hi Dr. L!

I am so glad that you were able to save Sookie when she was clawed. What I was wondering…since Bill drinks from Sookie on a regular basic….why didn’t he catch on that there was something different about her??? MaryAnn knew it from the first meeting. Is it because Bill is relatively young (for a vampire) or is it something else?

Also is there any way a Vampire can have offspring with a human, or any other being for that matter.

Thank you so much for your valuable time.

Debbie in Dallas

Dear Debbie,

As to your second question, please refer to my exhaustive replies to this query in previous questions. Vampires are DEAD, honey, and dead things can’t reproduce- no matter how clever they seem to be.

And Sookie- such a sweet girl, to be so entangled with vampires. She’s in trouble, getting hurt, beat up, something or other all the time, she now has me on speed dial, bless her heart. I was glad to save her, too.

As for why Bill didn’t realize something was different- it’s an age old fact, darlin’- males are males, no matter the species. Now I am not saying they don’t have a relationship of some sort, though for the life of me I can’t understand that, but males are often, if not always, blinded by lust and sex. Sookie could have had pure garlic juice running through her veins, and Bill barely would have noticed, although I hear he did warn her to stop eating it (she double checked with me because she really misses Merlotte’s garlic bread poor thing!). You getting my drift, dear?

As for Maryann- I could have offed her MUCH faster than they did…

BTW, did you have a very short movie career.. your name seems familar…

Dr. L

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Hello Dr. L

Are there vampire slayers with preternatural strength? Are there any other supernatural creatures that hunt vampires?

Steve N. in Dallas

Dear Steve,

What an interesting two pronged question you pose here. Normally., I only answer one for free, and then ask you to come in for an appointment (for a fee) to reply to the other. But I feel they are similar in nature, so I will do what I can here.

The mighty Van Helsing comes to mind immediately when I ponder a response to the first part of your question. He was never given proper or due credit for his magnetism and attraction, which I found to be preternatural. I mean, I WOULD have found them so, if I had known the great man in the flesh. Now there was a slayer to be reckoned with. He feared no one, alive or undead. He walked in to places others screamed and ran from. Ah just thinking of such power and strength makes my heart race…is it hot in here, or is it just me? But as to whether or not there is some sort of cartoonish superhero flying through the air, wearing a cape and mask to slaw the blood sucking vipers, alas, no- they don’t exist. If they did, the world would be a better place for them. Van Helsing in tights and a cape? Oh my! Now, to the second part of your query, as you know, I work closely with the supernatural community, as their healer and physician. We hold a doctor client privilege, just like any other. For me to tell you who the vamp slayers are would possibly put them in unnecessary danger, and certainly blow their well devised cover. I am sure you can understand.

October 16, 2009:

Dear Dr. L,

Now that the Vampire Equal Rights Amendment has passed, it is only a matter of time before the the Vampire Marrage Act passes.
Question: If Arianna and I have kids will they be Alive or UNDEAD? For Vacation, do I take my kids to Disneyland or Calaveris
Caverns?!!! Finally, If I don’t become a vampire, how do I prevent Arianna from cheating on me? I mean, at 100 human years old, I will be shriveled and imputent but she will be 400years old and look like she’s 23. FYI, Yes, I do practice SAFE SEX—I always have a piece of Silver chain in my left hand whenever I have sex with Arianna—just in case the bitch wants to ‘take liberties’. I also insist on safer sexual positions because, frankly, I have seen too many blackwiddow/Praying Mantis films on the nature channel to be…naive.

Signed
JEDIDIAH FANGBANGER III

Dear Jedidiah,
Your question is somewhat similar to others I have received in the past, and is a several fold query. I may have to ask you for a consultation fee to thoroughly respond, but I will do what I can.

As to the children issue, I want you to come very close to your computer…closer…no, closer still…now, listen to me carefully: VAMPIRES ARE DEAD (or UNDEAD, if you want to argue semantics with me, which I would not suggest) AND CANNOT BEAR OR OTHERWISE PRODUCE CHILDREN, YOU BIG DUMMY!!!  That is basic grade school science. But since you freely admit to being a “Fangbanger” and don’t realize it’s IMPOTENT, I can’t imagine you got much out of school, did you?

As to the aging, cheating issue you refer to, do I look like I care if she cheats on your sorry ass? If you want to stay “young” forever, put the silver chain in the trash can, and let Arianna have her way with you, and make you another rotten, bloodsucking scourge on this planet.
To be honest, if I were her, your insistence on just a couple of ‘safe’ positions would become boring in short order, and I would look for greener pastures too. Not only that, she’s not going to eat your head because she’s not an ZOMBIE she’s a VAMPIRE (and anyway you’ve shown that your head is pretty empty and lacking in nutritive value haven’t you?). Your femoral artery is even MORE vulnerable to over-drinking by vampires because they don’t have to suck as hard to get the blood out. If you’re lucky she’ll buy you an illustrated copy of the Kama Sutra and if we’re lucky she’ll decide you’re not vampire material.

Disneyland at night is beautiful, by the way.

Dr. L (scheduling a vacation)

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Hi Dr. L!

I have a special Vampire Blood Drink that I made and serve to my friends. It’s healthy and I drink it daily. I feel like a new women after drinking my special Vampire Blood Drink and my husband has been pleasantly surprised by my ‘licentious’ behavior of late. Not only that but the house is clean as a whistle and dinner is always on time although he has been complaining about the meat being ‘undercooked’! My problem is that I can’t get my children to drink it. I don’t want to ‘trick’ them into trying it but I am getting desperate.  Any suggestions? I will share my special drink recipe if requested.

June Cleaver

Mother of Beaver and Wally

Dear Mother Cleaver,
If you are getting vampire blood to mix for you and your friends, you must have one of the vile creatures chained and bound in your basement (to which I secretly say, “bravo”. Keeps them out of the bars and off the streets) so you can do a drain when needed, because that stuff is not cheap. But if I find out you are selling it I will track you down myself. That is a highly valued healing component professionals like myself use to help humanity, not as a kiddie drink. Really, do you think your KIDS should be getting a sexual stimulant? You shouldn’t even be taking it yourself without being under the supervision of a licensed doctor!

This was a set up, wasn’t it? You were fishing around, promising to “swap recipes” to see if I would slip and tell you how I extract V to keep it it’s most potent. HA! I know your type. I have been around the block a time or two, or three.  No sensible mother would want to give their kids V.. just imagine what a wreck the house would be!  Trying to ‘Fool Dr. L’ isn’t nice.. or smart!

Now leave me the hell alone, amateur.

Dr. L

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Dearest Dr. L

My daughter’s vamp boyfriend is getting a little too bloodthirsty with her, she’s asked him to ‘pull out’ a bit sooner but he says he’s too carried away by her inner beauty to even hear her. She is always weak and tired and frankly her hair has turned limp and dry and she’s becoming nothing but skin and bones. She’s afraid if she refuses him, that he may seek his blood from another girl, but I think he’s going to toss her over for a more healthy looking woman any day now. What should she do?

Skinny Minny’s Mom

Dear SMM,

The old “What’s a mother to do” line comes to mind here. What do you do in this case? Can you forbid her from seeing him? Yes, you could. And she would probably climb out her window during the night, fall, break her fool neck, and just before she buys the farm, he’d turn her. This is not a theory- I saw it  happen (and you’ thought Repunzel was a fairy tale, didn’t you!)

Mom, are you a woman who likes younger men?  Are you… oh what do they call it, “cougar” type? Is your daughter’s life worth risking your own? If so, here’s what I ‘d do. Put on your war paint, push up bra, those extra special high heels, and meet the blood sucker the next time he comes to visit your daughter. You should surreptitiously send out on an errand that will take some time before hand and hide her cell!

When Mr Vamp Lover arrives, proceed to seduce him. They have no morals, so don’t worry, he won’t refuse you. Then, when he is really in the throes of passion, stake his bloodless, lifeless heart, and clean up the mess before your daughter gets home. Then get her a B12 shot, buy her lots of red meat and cook everything with GARLIC from now on.  And who knows, it might be fun to boot- I do hear the sex is fantastic, so be careful you don’t get hooked! Let me know how it goes. I’d be very interested in the details.. as a scientist of course!

Dr. L

September 16, 2009:

Dear Doctor L:

My vamp boyfriend says my blood tastes too salty, but I swear I am on a low sodium diet. What do you think is the problem, or is he trying to give me the flick for someone sweeter??

Salty Siren

Dear Doctor Ludwig:

Is there anyway to really tell if my vampire girlfriend likes me for myself, or just because I’m diabetic? Can a vampire have a sweet tooth?

Gill

Dear Salty Siren and Gill,

I will answer your questions together as you both seem to be having similar issues with your vampires. I suggest to you both eat lean red meat and liver, they are both rich sources of iron and are easily absorbed. It is a common myth that blood tastes like copper but it is actually the iron in your blood that can be tasted. If you truly want to get into the different varieties of tastes, try varying your diet with mint, pineapple juice (yes it also changes blood flavor slightly) and lime. The effects may be slight to none. Vampires cannot taste sugar in the blood as glucose is not necessary for vampires nutrition and does not provide them with energy as it does us. Vampires derive their energy from our life forces, you’ll notice that ‘True Blood’ is not caffeinated! So don’t worry about not being sweet enough or being too sweet. If your blood tastes too salty? Stop Crying like a baby every time be bites you.

One other tip that I would suggest for you? Track down an empty bottle of True Blood your Vampire drinks (O negative, A, B etc.) and look at what ingredients are on the bottle. Take the necessary vitamin supplements to match the concoction and you will be on your way to tasting fangtastic.

And humans, this isn’t a cooking advice hotline. I suggest you wiki this information before you ask a reputable doctor about flavors. Since the vamps came out of the coffin there are numerous forums on this topic.

Now Scram!

Doctor Ludwig

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Tell me, is it true that the legendary Dr. Van Helsing, the tireless, humorless adversary of the infamous undead Count in Bram Stoker’s “Dracula” (and a character in so many subsequent versions of the classic story) was, like ol’ Vlad himself, indeed a real-life person and actually a vampire slayer? And beyond that, is there any truth to the rumor that you yourself are a descendant of that notorious vampire hunter?

Anon

Dear Anon,

There are many things in this life that you may not be aware of, reality and fiction blend into legend and sometimes those whom we hoped to be fictional are now feared as fact. While there is much to be admired about the literary Dr. Van Helsing, his strong commitment to his calling, his intelligence, his morals, how he turned a phrase, the way he dressed and the scent of his aftershave… er where was I?  Oh yes, I was saying how it vexes me that I must tell you that any record of a Dr. Van Helsing existing would not be a question for a Doctor such as me, but more for a historian.

As for me being a descendant of the Slayer, what preposterous nonsense. His very existence is in question yet you believe I’m his offspring? And if I were, do you think I would reveal myself and risk making enemies of my clientele? Is this a stupidity test because if so.. you’re passing with flying colors!

I will not answer your question – as you see fit to remain anonymous, I see fit to keep my personal details a secret.

I am watching you…

Doctor Ludwig

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Dear Dr. Ludwig:
Is there a charity I could contribute to to further your research into appropriate medical protocols for supes?
Your work is incredibly important and deserves more support and recognition.
ToniC

Toni C,

What a generous offer, I truly appreciate people like you who wish to help me further my research by donating money to the cause of supes, how flattering, how kind.

You are right, my work is incredibly important and it deserves both significant financial support and worldwide recognition, just as it is currently receiving. How dare you suggest I am not recognized for my work. Why my work is recognized far and wide as the premier work on Vampires, Shifters and Wares as well as various other creatures best left unnamed.  I’m very well financially compensated for my healing and ‘donations’ to my research continue to flow as freely as arterial blood.  Bah! Amateur.

Unless you are a powerful force in the supernatural world I doubt you would have anything to contribute to my cause. And if you were such a person I would undoubtably be in contact with you already and if this is the case, stop by my office should you want to make a deal.

If we haven’t met before then know this now, I am not interested in charity.

Leave me alone… unless you would like to volunteer as a ‘lab rat’ for one of my experiments!

Uncharitably yours

Doctor Ludwig

September 1, 2009:

Dear Dr. L:
Your knowledge of vampires and other supernatural beings is so well known that I was hoping that you can answer a question for me.  I know that some supernatural beings have been able to impregnate female humans and I was wondering if, under a certain specific set of circumstances, vampires can procreate with humans as well? I appreciate your time and your expert opinion.
T B Fan

Dear TB fan,

First let me address your name, how, and why, does one become a fan of Tuberculosis? I am sure you know that pulmonary tuberculosis, or TB, is a contagious bacterial infection primarily involving the lungs that is spread through by breathing in moist droplets put into the air by an infected person coughing or sneezing (the medical term for that is: GHAK!)..  Nearly 1 in 10 thousand people in the US has TB at any time.

Humans are interesting creatures and though fandom may take many forms – yours is a first and it’s possible you’re sick in more ways than one.

As for your question of certain specific circumstances surrounding Vampire impregnation, honey – think of it this way. If your man has been shooting blanks for one hundred plus years, what makes you think that any form of medical circumstance could reverse this condition?

Vampires cry blood, not tears – think about that for a minute. There has been some interesting cloning research done recently with bats; interesting in that Chinese sense of the word. Vampires unique metabolism seems very well suited to reproducing themselves through cloning but so far as soon as the cloned vampire bat reaches a certain size it becomes obsessed with destroying the sourced original.   And there is another study utilizing vampirized rats that’s yielding some interesting results implicating the potential for artificially hybridizing the two species but so far the results have not been worth stopping the presses over. Not unlike the recent debacle trying to hybridize potatoes and tomatoes that ended up with a plant with poisonous roots and fruits, so far the mother has been vampirized by the fetuses stopping their advancement at the equivalent of the 3rd trimester.  Mercifully, the whole experiment has ‘met the sun’ as I can’t imagine a much worse situation than to be either an eternal fetus nor suffering an eternal pregnancy. If you still believe that you could get pregnant by a vampire, get your head out of the Twilight saga, focus on the real world and buy some condoms.

I’ve taken the liberty to book you for a complete TB screening and psychology exam stat.

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Doctor L.

Hi Dr.Ludwig, As a single woman, i was always curious what it would be like to be a vampire, and always also wanted to know who supplies their blood to your cause? Eric Northman must’ve paid you in his blood or another vampire’s blood for your payment for Sookie Stackhouse’s recent treatment for her clawed and poisoned system. Also how long have you been a doctor of the supernatural world?

Christine

Dear Creeper Christine,

Although your questions are masked as medical enquiries I can see through that façade of yours. A single woman, interested in how to get her mitts on a few vials of V, always wondering what it would be like to be a Vampire. Honey I ain’t no psychologist but your introduction reads like the profile of an undercover Vampire. How long have I worked as a doctor in the supernatural world? I may be old sweetie but I am not stupid. I understand you are trying to get information out of me about Eric Northman, but I wish to know who’s district you work for. Contact me directly, and stop hiding behind this act.

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Dr. L,

My friend, much to my dismay, is a dyed-in-the-wool ‘Fangbanger’. She’s been trying to set me up with a vampire and I’ve continued to tell her that I’m not interested. I’ve got nothing against the undead but I’m a traditional girl and my main interests are surfers, sun bathing, gardening and beach volleyball although lately I find myself oddly attracted to the stage… Anyway, I was at Merlotte’s the other night, and there he was! This guy is so hot just the sight of him made my toes curl! I tried to ignore him and managed to convince my girlfriend not to call him over by ordering the garlic toast, but it was if I’d been ‘mesmerized’ as David Letterman would say. If I decide to take the plunge, do I need to use any sort of protection? Can they spread disease? Should I continue to try to resist? What’s a girl to do?

Rebecca

Sunnybrook, LA

Rebecca,

If your intentions are pure then I would suggest following your heart. It is full of blood and that is one thing that vampires honestly do love. This is not a dating advice line, this is for serious medical advice only, so I shall get down to business.

As vampiric blood has the ability to cure disease and heal wounds, there would be no disease that you could contract from a vampire other than the affliction of vampirism itself and Hepatitis D which is asymptomatic in humans. The process of changing humans into vampires is not completely understood at this time but during the transformation all human infections are destroyed. Blood is the vehicle of infection but the changes go clear to the bone as well as passing the blood brain barrier causing psychological changes including the desire to feed on humans and oddly, inflating the ego.

Vampire sex is therefore oddly fairly safe unless you consider the possibilities or death.. or undeath.

If you want to stay safe I’d recommend buying a farm and staying far away from Bon Temps and  stay off the stage!  I have a friend named Em who’s got a farm up in Kansas for sale although there are occasional problems with tornadoes and some problem with a calculating scarecrow… Let me know if you’re interested I get a 2% finders fee.

Dr. L

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August 24, 2009:

Dear Dr. L

My Husband and I suggested having our neighbors over for dinner, but as they are slightly obese we were wondering if there would be any issues with trans fats in the blood? We are trying to get in shape as we are planning a trip to Hawaii and want to look our best when moon bathing.

Cal Orey

Dear Mrs Orey,

First let me ask you a few questions (and as you are unable to respond let me also answer them for you).

Sometimes years of wisdom doesn’t really amount to much in the Vampire world. Why are you going to Hawaii? Maybe it is because you are not that bright. Did you ever consider the amount of Volcanic activity happening on the islands? Fire and Vampires just don’t mix.

Secondly, have you forgotten the fact that you are immortally embodied in the form at which you were turned? Calories and trans fats do not factor into your diet (unless they are the legendary ‘Transylvanian fats’ but that’s a whole other story!), this is something that should only concern what the youth today call “Fang Bangers”. If you are a “Fang Banger” i cannot offer you my respect but I can offer you the following dietary advice.

The total estimated caloric content of 500 ml of blood is 280 (from Red Blood Cells) + 61.4 (from plasma) for a total of 341.4 kcal. Vampire blood contains three times the normal caloric content due to concentration.  However, if you were to consume 500 ml of vampire blood you’d have bigger problems than weight gain because you’d be out of your freakin’ mind!  If your neighbors are just out of shape humans and if you were also consuming other foods during the day I would consider forgoing half a normal meal as humans need to consume less calories than they burn in order to lose weight.  Being a Fang Banger requires walking a thin line because while you want to look good and keep in shape in case your Fangtasy Lover decides to turn you, you also can’t afford to become too thin or it would be too easy for your long-in-the-tooth friend to accidentally drain you or find that you leave them ‘wanting more’ and decide to go shopping at some other blood bags throat!

Now go to Hawaii and stop wasting my time.

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Dear Dr. L

I have started a relationship with a vampire and wondered why, when I drink their blood, I don’t get the same effect I did when I took V. I mean I have no hallucinations, no distorted reality, in fact I do nothing except feel great, like healthy great and my hair is shiny. Is there any reason I can’t “get high”?

V Junque

Miss Junque

First of all, people like you make me sick. V should only be used medicinally and under a doctors care!

Blood when taken from a vampire is still active, it’s an undead product. Leave it to sit for a while and the majority of the water component and any volatile acids and sulfides evaporate leaving a more concentrated blood product. The side effects of hallucination one gets when ingesting V occurs due to the bodies need to re-hydrate the blood and integrate the blood product into the system. Any live (or infected) cells left in this dehydrated blood rush fast around the system in an attempt to absorb as much water as possible. This produces an effect similar to an extreme caffeine buzz. Hallucinations take place when the cells rush to the brain causing the dysfunction of the neurotransmitters, glutamate and dopamine, due to integration into the human system.

Did you think by dating a vampire you would have your own V on tap? For your sake, I hope he never finds out, leave vampires alone and go get your yum-yums elsewhere you Junkie.

Disdainfully yours,
Dr. L

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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