A Bon Temps Cold Front

January 3, 2011


What up tricks? Ya boy, Lafayette, just had to tell ya about something real crazy Jason done now. I was closing up Merlotte’s last night, right? I’m in the freezer putting up some meat I had just got through marinating when all of a sudden, he come running up in dere talkin’ bout how fine dis chic outside is. You probably thinking what’s unusual with dat – we all know Jason girl crazy.

But what came next was nothing but crazy – crazier than Andy when he gets in da sauce. I had dat door propped open wit a couple of cases of tomatoes. Next thing I know, Jason talkin’ bout how dis woman fine and she a public school teacher and all kinds of other crazy stuff. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Nah, Jason – what you gonna do wit a public school teacher? She obviously got a education and probably want a man that got one too. You ain’t event decide yet whether you gonna go to college or not.

Jason: She’s cute, Lafayette. I went up to the bar to another beer and she was giving me the eye from afar.

Me: More like, she probably had something in her eye. What she want wit a fool like you, Jason? For real.

Jason: Well, I bet you 5 bucks she gonna go out wit me when I ask her.

Me: She gonna ask have you lost yo mind, Jason. She probably know all about you takin’ care of dat girl’s family in Hotshot. You know it don’t take long here for da gossip to make its rounds.

Jason: Oh yeah, Lafayette? Well you just wait and see. She’ll go out with me if I ask her. She won’t be able to resist that Stackhouse charm.

Me: Stackhouse charm? Shoot, I bet if you brought Sookie round here, she could listen in on dat teacher’s thoughts and she could tell you what kind of dang fool she think you are.

Jason: Oh, whatever Lafayette. Watch Jason in action. I’m bout to go out here and ask her on a date.

Me: Whatever you do, don’t shut dat door, Jason. I won’t be able to get outta here.

Jason: Like I’d do dat Lafayette.

Me: You best not do it. I don’t want to have to hurt you up in here. It’s as cold as a mug up in here and youse know ya boy don’t do cold.

And dat’s when da craziness started. Jason walked out da freezer and saw dat teacher coming toward him. He ran back into da freezer after pushing away da tomatoes and he shut dat dang door!

Me: What da hell, Jason? What da hell?

Jason: I panicked, Lafayette. I saw that beautiful woman coming toward me and I panicked. I wasn’t ready to ask her out. I was just going to admire her from afar and then maybe later on, I’d buy her a drink or something. Man, I was just playing – I wasn’t really gonna ask her out, but I wasn’t expecting to see her coming to talk to me, either.

Me: You fool. She was going to the ladies room. You know it’s right outside here.

Jason: Nah, I think she was checking me out. She probably wanted to make sure she got a chance to talk to me before Merlotte’s closed.

That’s when I walked over to the door and pulled on it and it was locked – from the outside. Now here we are in a 30 degree freezer and no way to get out. I started yelling and screaming and beating on the door, but no one heard me. Of all times to leave my cell phone in da kitchen!

Me: Gimme ya cell phone fool!

Jason: I left it on the bar, I think. *Jason digs around in his pockets, but comes up wit nothing*

Me: Are you kidding me? Ya fool! You really are a fool! I told ya not to close dat door, didn’t I? What we gone do now? We gone freeze up in here!

Jason: We gonna be OK. We gonna just yell and somebody will hear us.

30 minutes later, here we are literally freezing to death and ain’t nobody heard us and ain’t nobody helping us.

Me: Thanks a lot ya idiot. We gonna die up in her. Sam ain’t posed to be back until 7 in da morning and we trapped here now – it ain’t nothing but about 2 in da morning. We got another 5 hours in here.

*30 minutes later Jason gets a brilliant idea*

Jason: Lafayette, Grams used to always tell us if we ever got stranded in a car in a snowstorm, that you should take off all your clothes and snuggle up with whoever’s with you. She said that the body heat would keep you from freezing to death.

Lafayette: Why in da hell would Grams tell you dat? You live in Louisiana, fool. You probably never even seen snow, much less would ya ever get caught in a snowstorm.

Jason: Well, it’s worth a try. We gonna freeze to death in here for sure.

I (reluctantly) agreed and what followed was about da craziest damned thang that’s ever happened. Jason and I took off our clothes and tried to warm up. Next thang I know, we done fallen asleep on da floor of da freezer. I look up right, and what do I see? A pair of red stilletos and some skinny jeans. I jumped so hard I threw Jason off me. It was da sexy teacher he got a crush on. She said she got half way home when she realized dat she left her purse on da bar. When she came back in, everybody was gone, but nothin’ was locked up. She thought dat was strange and den she saw Jason cell phone on da bar. Since dey been having some strange occurrences in Bon Temps, she decided to check and make sure everybody was OK.

She opened da freezer and there we were, naked as da day we came into dis world! By now, Jason was awake and was trying to explain. Heehee, you shoulda heard dis mess dat was comin outta his mouth. He’d a done better to just let her think we were snuggling for real.

*Shakes head* Dat Jason, I tell ya. He can get himself in more than a little bit of trouble!



Disclaimer: “A Bon Temps Cold Front” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO

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What’s Cookin’ — Jive Turkey Sloppy Joes

November 26, 2010

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Jive Turkey Sloppy Joes

Child, youse know dat Turkey Day right around da corner. And you know down here, we gon get full off dat fried bird.

We gon have Nettie Mae’s macaroni and cheese, Tara’s green bean casserole, Sam’s potato salad, Arlene’s pumpkin pie, and Jason gon bring da dressing. I don’t know how well he gon do wit dat, but we gon give it a try. It’s his second Thanksgiving without Grams, so you know he gon be missing her.

And you remember what happened last year wit Andy and dat fried turkey. He darned near burned my whole property down, so you just know he ain’t got no invite to bring no food – we just told him to show up and fix himself a plate and we gon handle da cookin.

Heffers, I know y’all finna sit down da day after Thanksgiving to tryna figure out what you gonna do wit all dat leftover turkey. Turkey gumbo, turkey po-boys – well you get da picture. Well, ya boy gonna let you know whatcha can do wit da leftovers and yo family gonna love it.

Ingredients:

5 cups of leftover turkey

½ bottle of BBQ sauce

¼ cup of mustard

1/8 stick of butter

2 tablespoons of grape jelly

Creole seasoning

Throw all dem ingredients into dat Crock Pot and mix dem together well. Simmer on low for 5 hours. What youse can do is put dat in ya Crock Pot when you head over to da mall on Friday. By da time you get back in from all dat beatin da pavement, ya food gonna be ready to serve. Let dat mix cook all day and den serve dat on some French bread, toast, hamburger buns, or for you Yankees up north, hoagie buns.

Enjoy & Happy Turkey Day, tricks!

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

Photo Credit:  www.tasteofhome.com

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes use the search function to find “What’s Cookin‘” in our archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Jason Stackhouse: The Scholar?

October 29, 2010

Jason Ponders a Future at Renard Parish Community College

Decisions, decisions. That’s what I got to make and real soon. I done inherited a bigger family than Sookie and me coulda ever had and now it’s time to man up and take care of that family. Yep, folks – Jason Stackhouse is gonna be the head of household and he’s gonna have to make sure he has the money rolling in. I ain’t so sure that volunteering for the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Office is gonna bring in enough dough to feed my new family. Plus, I’m gonna need some gas money for my trips between Bon Temps and Hot Shot.

But that’s okay, ‘cuz I been thinking a long time about what kind of career I’m really lookin’ for. I been looking through this here course catalog from the Renard Area Technical College here in Bon Temps.

You know me, I get confused pretty quick like. I got real confused when I opened this thing and saw all these classes they offer. I started daydreamin’ and next thing you know, Andy was standin’ over me barking orders – something about them DEA guys being in his hair and whatnot.

I been sitting here looking through this here course catalog and I gots lots of choices. Let me know what you think I should pick. I got truck driving, culinary arts, welding, and all kinds of other stuff that might interest me.

I was thinking to myself, “Self,” – that’s me – Jason. “Self, you really gotta get you a diploma of some sort. Yeah, you was a hell of a football star at Bon Temps High, but ever since then, you just been kinda spinning your wheels and you done run that road crew pretty doggone good. Still, unless I get a whole bunch of jobs like Lafayette, there ain’t no way I can take care of a family making what I was making and I sure can’t do it as a deputy sheriff.” That’s when it hit me – there might be all kinds of stuff I can do.

I could drive one of them big rigs. Heck, truck drivers make lots of cash and there ain’t none in Bon Temps that I know of. Only trucks I really see come through here is the ones that deliver beer and True Blood to Merlotte’s. Maybe I could drive the True Blood delivery truck? Yeah, that might be what I might could do. Hmmm. Well, maybe not.

Wait, Culinary Arts? Hmmm, that might work. I could work with LaFayette at Merlotte’s, cookin’ and makin’ all kinds of fancy food. We could even go into business together and cater weddings and stuff. But then again, maybe not. I can’t even fry a egg – who am I foolin’?

Now Welding – that might be somethin’ I can put to good use. I know I saw some welding equipment in Hot Shot. I could make a whole lotta extra money on the side welding stuff. Or maybe not – I might blow something up and that wouldn’t be good.

I also got Barbering, Electronics and Air Conditioning and Refrigeration to choose from. They got plenty of people who need their hair cut and people gotta have their TVs and air conditioners repaired.

Decision, decisions. All I know is I won’t be joining any more cults. No sir, Jason Stackhouse ain’t gonna get mixed up with no more of that nonsense. And he ain’t so sure that the police academy is for him, either. What do you think, folks? Who knows? This here education stuff might just open up a whole new set of opportunities for me. Lord knows I need it. Grams would be so proud.


Disclaimer: “Jason Stackhouse, The Scholar?” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO (Screen Capture: James)

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What’s Cookin’ — Da Po-Boy’s Po-Boy

October 9, 2010

What's Cookin Header
Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Da Po-Boy’s Po-Boy

Hola, mis amigos!  Ha, ya boy been wanting to say dat dere.  I been ‘round Jesus so long, I’m pickin’ up his lingo.  I love dat language.
How y’all been durin’?  I hope well ‘cuz I gots anotha recipe fo ya, but first let me tell you tramps what I been up to ….

Ya boy been doin’ all kinda stuff while hangin’ out with Jesus.  Dat man dere – I tell ya.  He is so hot and spicy … he makes ya boy just wanna holler. Me and Jesus was hangin’ out the other night when I got off work at Merlotte’s.  Lawd knows I sho didn’t want to come home and cook but my man was hungry and I had to hook him up.  I got ready to whip somethin’ up when Tara called.  Lawd, dat girl can’t do nothin’ right since Eggs done gone and got himself killed.  I ain’t far from tellin’ her she need to come with me to the head doctor.

Once I took care of dat, I came back home and started looking around da kitchen and found just what I needed to get a quick snack poppin’.  Lawd, Jesus loved it too.  He ain’t never had no po-boy, but I have. Shiiii, I gets at least one every time I go to N’awlins.  Matter of fact, a friend of mines down there showed me how to make this hear mean one.

Imma have to put da po-boy on da menu to my house.  Imma start getting’ used to Jesus hangin’ around…  And trust, that boy ain’t goin’ nowhere long as I keep cookin’ like I do.

Here ya go – enjoy did easy meal:

Ingredients:

French bread

Link of smoked sausage

2 slices of American Cheese

Lettuce

Tomato (sliced)

Mayonnaise

Spicy Creole Mustard

Louisiana Hot Sauce

Child, ya gotta put the link of sausage in a pot of boiling water and let it boil til it rises to da top and is heated well through and through.  While ya doing dat, cut dat bread lengthwise and spread da mayo and mustard on it.  Put da cheese on da bottom piece, remove dat link from da water and drain it.  Den ya gonna slice da link lengthwise and place it flat against da bottom piece of bread, on top of da cheese.  Top with lettuce and tomatoes and sprinkle some dat Weeziana hawt sauce (‘cuz I knows you hookahs be liking things spicy), and close da bread.  Cut da po-boy in half and serve with pickles, olives and chips.

Ain’t nothin’ else dat quick, easy and unique.  Ooops, sounds like I just described ya boy!  Til next time, you fools keep it poppin.  I’ll be back real soon with anotha recipe and let ya’ll know what I been up to.

Written by: Arlene Culpepper

(Photo credit: www.blackenedout.com/2009_12_01_archive.html )

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes use the search function to find “What’s Cookin‘” in our archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans with only ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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What’s Cookin’ – Mint Julep

August 5, 2010

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Child, ya boy been drinkin’ himself in oblivion dis week. Youse know how my past week went and well …. It wasn’t good at all. I got dumped by a sexy mofo and it ain’t feel too good. I sho didn’t see that comin’. He think my pharmaceutical sales is a lil too much for him? He just don’t know. Dat’s da whole reason I can afford to pay part of his pitiful salary – cuz you know I be keepin’ my moms in da home wit ma lil side jobs. Well all I gots to say to dat is “Whateva”. I ain’t got to prove nothin’ to no one and I sho ain’t gots to worry about him. Imma be okay. Ya boy sho gone show him I ain’t need need or nobody else. Cept maybe Tara, whereva she at.

Enough about lil ol’ me. I wants to make sho y’all gots something cool to sip on during these hot days of summer. I tells Arlene to make these fo dem necks sometime. Dey love dem thangs. But den again, dem necks like anything that be havin’ dat bourbon in it. You know how we do down here.

Ingredients:

2.5 ounces of bourbon (whiskey)

4 fresh sprigs of mint

2 teaspoons of water or tonic

1 teaspoon of powdered sugar

Directions: Mix mint leaves, water and powdered sugar in a tall, slim glass. Fill dat glass with some crushed ice, add da bourbon, mix well and serve to yo guests. Child, just don’t get too taka laka cuz’ you know some crazy stuff could go down. Til next time, enjoy ya lil refreshments.

(Photo credit: K. S. Rose)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes use the search function to find “What’s Cookin‘” in our archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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What’s Cookin’-Bon Temps Special Chicken Salad

May 9, 2010

Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Bon Temps Special Chicken Salad!

Child, ya boy been hanging out in dat Who Dat Nation.  You might know it better as da Crescent City or New Orleans.  I been in da East over der by ma boy house.  He live by da Chef Pass.  We been up to all kind of stuff, if ya know what I mean.  He found me a couple of gigs and I lost track of time.  Ain’t no tellin’ what I’d a got myself into if I’d a stayed out der.  New Orleans ain’t no joke!  I was hopin’ to run into a couple dem fine Saints players, but it ain’t happen, ‘cept in my dreams.

We tried to get ol Andy to come hang out wit us, but youse know that ain’t happen.  Andy too scared to get outta his element.  He like to stay to his housde right der in Bon Temps.  Anyway, Sam called and said he need me back to work, so I went ahead on and went back up der.  He been getting busy lately and Sookie not der to help.  She been in Dallas organizing a search party to look for Vampire Bill.  I sho hope he okay.  No telling what dem ruthless vampires done to him.  You just never know when it comes to dem.

Well, I got a new recipe for ya.  Dis one is good on da heart and is easy and delicious – oh, nah dat sound like me I just described, but anyways, I think you gonna like dis here recipe:

Ingredients:

1 rotisserie chicken, baked
1 cup mayonnaise
1 stalk celery
1 boiled egg
Creole seasoning

Tear apart chicken and put in food processor.  Once chopped, put chicken in large bowl.  Grate egg and add all other ingredients.  Mix together well and season to taste.  You can spice things up a little by stuffing a tomato with the mixture, eating it on crackers or making sandwiches.  Youse gonna love dis recipe and ya can thank ya boy later.  It’ll be a hit at parties or to feed da family on da weekend.  Quick, simple and tasty!

By da way, in case you was wonderin’ what so “special” bout dis recipe, it’s cuz of my secret ingredient.  Oh well, I can let ya in on dat – it’s da chicken dat you use.  Ain’t nothing else make dat chicken salad have as much taste as dem chicken’s dat been cooked slowly wit all dat seasoning.

Keep checking back.  It’s swimsuit season and ya boy tryin’ to keep his girlish figure.  I’ll be back wit some lowfat, delicious recipes.

(Photo credit: http://blogs.creativeloafing.com/)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes use the search function to find “What’s Cookin‘” in our archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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What’s Cookin’ – Who Dat Latte

March 12, 2010


Lafayette comin’ atcha here. Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur! I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle. Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out. So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man. I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me! And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Whasssup????? Ya boy Lafayette is back in full effect. I been gone off da town fo a minute. Youse wouldn’t believe where I been. Lawd, I went to New Orleans for Super Bowl Sunday and I ain’t come back home til this past weekend. Sam still mad at me. I think ol Sookie even mad at me. I walked through that door at Merlotte’s like nothing ever happened. Next thang I know, dey all over me talkin’ bout “Lafayette, we thought Eric had you again or something.” Hmmm, he should be so lucky.

Child, ya boy was hangin out in dat French Quarter. My voice still ain’t come back yet. I betcha I be yellin “Who Dat” in my sleep! Man, look, we was on Bourbon Street watching da end of dat game and lawd, when dey ran dat clock down, Bourbon was off da heezy. Ya boy wasn’t comin home til gots to see him some of dem sexy mens that made dat happen.

I made plans to stick around til Tuesday so I could catch me some beads and maybe some numbers, too. When dat float wit those defensive backs passed by, child, ya boy passed out. I loves me some defensive backs, especially dem ones da New Orleans Saints got. I saw a couple of dem sweaty mens and next thang I know, dey was picking me up off da sidewalk. I got weak when I looked up and dey was throwin’ beads to me and da rest as dey say, was history. I decided to stick around New Orleans for a while. You never know who you gonna meet down there, but you know you gonna have a good time. There ain’t no other way!

Man, dat win was a long time comin. But you know what else a long time coming? My next recipe. And child, dis here recipe a short one, but one that gonna wake you up. Make sure you make it for ya man or woman, whichever one you got. It’ll really get ya blood to pumpin!

Ingredients:

1 tablespoon of flavored syrup

¾ cup of milk

8 oz. strong coffee

Directions:

Brew coffee however ya normally do. Once dat coffee finished brewing, mix all dem ingredients together and pour over ice. Now it’s ready to drank just like dat, but make sho you put some whipped cream all over it. You wanna get fancy, you can put some chocolate shavings or something like it.

Ya boy don’t worry bout them shavings. All I worry about is da whipped cream. And you know ya boy can find some uses for dat.

Til next time folks, Who Dat talkin bout Lafayette can’t cook? Who Dat! Who Dat!

(Photo credit: http://www.virtualbay.co.nz/totallyroasted/pics/latte-bowl-602.jpg)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes use the search function to find “What’s Cookin‘” in our archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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What’s Cookin! – Mardi Gras Cabbage

January 18, 2010

Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Child, ya boy is back after takin’ some time off to celebrate da new year. I spent da new year in Dallas and it was off da chain! There was good lookin’, sweaty mens everywhere and ya best believe ya boy kept himself busy.

When I got home to Bon Temps, it was back to servin’ da necks at Merlotte’s. I been tryin’ to come up wit some new recipes since dat Mardi Gras right around da corner. I won’t be here to handle up on da cookin’, so I gots to leave Terry wit some directions so he can take care of my peeps while I’m New Orleans.

I got a special friend dat I met while surfin’ da web and he’s done gone and invited me to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Aw Sookie, Sookie nah ….. dat’s all I gots to say bout dat. We gonna stay at dat luxurious French Quarter hotel, Hotel Monteleone. Once I gets there, I plan to take myself a lil nap and then head on down to Bourbon Street, right in da middle of da action. I will keep y’all posted on dis and might even send ya some tweets or somethin’ live from da scene!

For now, I want y’all to try my new recipe I call Mardi Gras Cabbage:

Ingredients

1 head of cabbage

Creole seasoning

1 yellow onion

1 bell pepper

½ pound of smoked sausage

1 tablespoon of butter

1 link of tasso

1 clove of garlic

Directions

Slice cabbage and cover in water. Bring to a boil after adding Creole seasoning. In a saucepan, melt butter and sauté sausage, tasso, onion, bell pepper, and garlic. Mix inta da cabbage, cover and cook til well done. Youse kin use a pressure cooker at this point like we do at Merlotte’s ta cut down the time but don’t be blowin’ yerselves up now.. y’hear? Unless’n yer name is Eric Norhman then I’m not so’s particular bout yer safety.. but that’s a story fer another day. Yer kin serve dis over rice or alone.

Now wheres did I put those gold lame pants and that HOT black top? You knows I gotsta look good for the parades! Or maybe dat new purple one piece…

(Photo credit: http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4873696/cabbage-main_Full.jpg)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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What’s Cookin! – Lafayette’s Famous Fudge

December 29, 2009

Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte’s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan’s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Lafayette’s Famous Fudge

Happy Holidays, Hookahs.  Ya boy’s back wit some holiday cheer for ya heffers.  I hope each and every one of youse had a great holiday.

I’m bout to impart some knowledge for ya that you can use for ya Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve feasts.  You just know round here we got that fire when it comes to da food.  Louisiana is da bomb!

Lettie Mae had a spread that would make you want to slap ya mama. Errbody who’s anybody in Bon Temps was there.  Hell, Terry and Arlene was even there with the kids.  And Andy with his dumb self.  Get this.  Andy calls up Tara a couple days ‘fo Thanksgiving, talking bout, “Tara, Imma come over to ya Mama house and fry up a turkey ‘fo Thanksgiving.”  Yeah, well, I am more than certain you hookahs know how that went down.  Thank goodness me and Terry was off work and already over there helping wit da festivities or else Lettie Mae’s house woulda looked like da one those vampires was living in – crispy, crunchy and burned clean to da ground.

Andy outside, right?  He got the burner going and he put da pot and da oil in it.  He gets da brilliant idea to get it to boiling and you know ol’ Andy – dat fool too proud to ask another man fo’ help and lo and behold, he dropped da turkey into dat boiling hot oil all by himself – ‘cept he knocked over the pot while he was doing dat.

Child, listen to ya boy when I tells ya that ya don’t want to be nowhere round when dat oil hits da flames.  Lettie Mae’s backyard looked like a forest fire.  And yeah, then dat’s when Andy’s crazy self decides to yell for help. He better be glad that wasn’t his own house else I’d have let it burn, baby burn!  But youse know I can’t do that to my favorite auntie so I ran outside to see what I could do to fix Andy’s mess.  I saw what was happening and I said, “Lawd Andy, what you done now?!”  It was quite a sight to say da least.  For some stupid reason, Andy thought fanning the flame with his shirt was gonna help put it out.  Man, I grabbed the fire extinguisher and commenced to savin’ da day.  If ain’t learned nothin’ else workin’ on dat road crew, I learned how to put out a fire or two.  Jason was always doin’ stupid stuff and I done put out a few a his fires in my day.

Once Andy finished burnin’ down half da neighborhood, I went back in da house to make my famous fudge.  Imma share dis’ witcha, but don’t tell nobody, or else I might have to ice ya:

Ingredients:

½  cup light corn syrup

2 sticks butter

4 cups granulated sugar

1 can condensed milk

1 cup peanut butter

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Instructions:

Spray a cake pan with vegetable spray and set is on da side til you finish making da mix.  In a large saucepan, mix up sugar, condensed milk, corn syrup, and butter.  Ya want to cook it on medium high heat.  Now you can’t be playin’ on da internet or “workin” while none of dis is going on, else you gonna burn the mixture.  Stir it like coffee – put yo hips in it.  Keep stirrin it til it’s completely melted and take yo candy thermometer and stir til it gets to 240 degrees.  Don’t let it get above dat else you’ll ruin da mix.  Once it get there, take it off da heat and stir in da peanut butter and vanilla.  Stir dat mixture good til it gets smooth and pour it in da pan and let sit til ya’ll ready to eat. Den cut into bars or squares.

You can also give dis as a gift.

Now dat’s whaassup!

(Photo credit: http://fariellos.com)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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What’s Cookin! – Louisiana Seafood Fetuccini

November 24, 2009

What's-Cookin'-Safe

Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte‘s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan‘s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

Louisiana Seafood Fetuccini

Welcome back.  Howyamamaanddem?  Child, I sho hope you all doin’ well.  We done had a scare down in these here parts over da past couple of days.  Since those hurricanes ran up in here over da past couple of years, everybody kind of gun shy, ya heard me?  I know youse remember seeing all dem people in New Orleans after Katrina hit.  Katrina was a real witch, you know what I’m sayin?  She did a serious number on us and nobody here’s gonna forget about her anytime soon.

Well, we nearly had another visitor over da weekend – that being Ida, a hurricane turned tropical storm.  Ida had everybody kinda scared round here.  Everybody in Bon Temps was buying up all da water and canned goods. That crazy-azz Maxine Fortinberry still in her storm cellar I hears tell. Not me – I said I ain’t even much gonna worry my nerves bout that storm.  If she come here, then I was just gonna deal with it then.  Lord knows I done been through a whole lot worse than a little ol’ storm.

Anyway, it’s time to get back down to bidness and that means me bringing y’all some more finger lickin’ grub.  Now here’s a recipe that is easy and tasty – kind of like ya boy!  Jokes – I got jokes – so let’s get to the recipe.

Ingredients:

1 pound of crawfish tails or shrimp

1 stick of butter

1 yellow onion (doan let no vampires cut these, we don’t needs no blood in our seafood!)

1 green bell pepper

1 stalk of green onions

1 large can of cream of mushroom soup

½ block of Velveeta (not the super industrial size, hooka use some sense!)

Directions:

Saute onions, bell pepper and seafood in butter until tender.  I like to do a little dance while my food simmers.  You do what you like, but doing a little jig makes it a heck of lot more interesting and the time flies by.  Next, you want to add a can of cream of mushroom soup and can of water.  Cook until smooth and then add chunks of Velveeta.  Cook and stir until completely smooth.  Serve over fetuccini noodles, angel hair or bowtie pasta.

seafood-fettucini

(Photo credit: http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/01/2e/94/67/seafood-fettucini.jpg)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

To read more yummy Lafayette approved recipes go to the “What’s Cookin‘” archives!

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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