Sookie Stackhouse: The Thoughts of a Mind Reader

August 29, 2010

It sucks being me lately.  I can’t even hear my own thoughts without someone invading my head.  The girl down the hall is upset she didn’t get her pain meds on time, the man in room 127 thinks that if he were a woman, this would have never happened to him and you don’t even wanna know what the teenager in room 128 is thinkin’.  No one should have to be in that head.  Unfortunately for me, I can’t get away from it.   I seriously wish I could  slap a ‘No Vacancy” sign inside my head-in neon!  It probably wouldn’t help but it would make me feel better.

It just seems that no matter what I do, shit happens.  You see, when shit hits the fan for me, it’s just one big old mess that usually leaves me bruised and bleeding.  Well at least I’m still alive, unlike that bitch Lorena who I sent to her well deserved final death.  Surprisingly, I don’t feel any remorse.  In my defense, I am pretty loopy.  Must be all the pain meds because on top of everything, I had the weirdest dream.  I was dancing in the graveyard with the most beautiful people.  It was like a cross between a renaissance festival and a trip back to the sixties all crammed into the Bon Temps cemetery.  It was crazy!  Although I was mighty confused, I wasn’t scared. I felt more at home there than I have anywhere else since Gran died.  For a moment,  I thought I was dead but I felt too alive to be dead.  The main thing I remember is that woman Claudine told me it wasn’t the water that killed my parents….now how would she know???  Then the darkness came and all the pretty shining dancers ran away. They warned me not to let him take my light…and I woke to Bill.  I felt like that little girl in Poltergeist for a moment, then I screamed..

Things have changed between Bill and and I.  To say our relationship has been strained is an understatement of a lifetime!  I don’t even know what to think any more.  I can’t help but wonder at this point if I even know how to make a good decision. Our relationship doesn’t seem to go a day without someone getting killed and look at my house! Gran would have had a fit! No, we’re not a normal couple, that’s for sure. I was so happy when I first met Bill and it was utter bliss that I couldn’t hear a damn thing he was thinking.  Yes, he was very handsome and a real Southern gentleman but the fact that every thought he had wasn’t pounding on my head trying to get in made it such a relief to be alone with him , he lured me like a moth to a flame.  I had never been out with anyone who’s motives weren’t crystal clear but right about now, I’d give anything to get into that little head of Bill’s. Really, I would.  The appeal of blissful ignorance has turned into a haunting night mare of doubt. I don’t know how normal people manage at all.

What used to be a curse to me I see isn’t really so bad.  Before the Vampires came into my life, hearing the thoughts of others, sheltered me in some ways. I never had to really take a chance or to trust anyone.  There was nothing about anybody that I didn’t already know.  It was all right there in their head for me to listen in if I wanted to and some of the things I heard…whoa! They would make your skin crawl.  I spent a lot of nights alone watching chick flicks and Buffy the Vampire Slayer. And quite happily too…that is until I met Vampire Bill.  Funny, you don’t know what you got until you see it from the other side.

Now, with Bill, for the first time every night is some new surprise.  I am so used to knowingwhat is going on and this not knowing is making me crazy. But it’s kinda exciting too.  I’m changing and I don’t know me any more.  I’m killing vampires and shooting at werewolves. Are the ones I hold dear in danger because of me? Because of what I am or who I love?  Me layin here in this hospital bed is at least partly my own fault.

Note to Self:  Next time you’re alone in the back of a van with a half drained, blood thirsty, hungry vampire, refrain from using saws or any other sharp metallic objects that may come be at hand in order heal him with my blood.  It will not turn out well.

I know most folks don’t think Jason’s too smart, but one thing my brother has going for him is that he’s a wonderful, caring person.  He has changed so much since Gran died.  I know my brother would die for me but I don’t want any more folks dying. And now he seems to be some kind of policeman? [sighs] I sure wish Gran were here to talk some sense into him. There was nothing like a slice of Gran’s pie and her words of wisdom to stop my brother from flying off the handle.

And Tara is all kinds of messed up! I don’t know how she managed to get free but she could have left me high and dry but she didn’t. Even when I wouldn’t leave without Bill she managed to rescue us all. Whatever awful things she went through have really hurt her deep inside. She is so angry now. I know she doesn’t want me listening to her thoughts and after what she’s been through I have to keep her trust. I can only hope she’ll talk to me, when she’s ready. She’s more determined than ever that Bill is bad for me and when I’m laying here nearly dead because of him how can I argue? At least she doesn’t seem to be so sad anymore. I was really worried about for her for a while.

It’s not like Alcide is having it easy either what with the woman he loves being in a V addicted love frenzy with that white trash werewolf.  They already burned down his sisters hair salon.  No tellin’ what they’ll do next.  There’s going to be trouble from him killing Coot too, not only Debbie Pelt will be after him but the rest of that jacked up on *V* pack. I did feel safe with him though. It was kinda nice.

And Bill.  I know he’s been cast out by both human and vampire because of protecting me, but then he turned on me like an animal in that truck. Worse than an animal, he nearly killed me and animals don’t kill their mates! Everyone keeps warning me against him, Tara, Sam, even that Claudine woman whoever she is.. if she is real. Could she be right? Was she just my good angel trying to warn me how dangerous Bill is? and what does she mean he’s going to steal my light? Was that just a fancy way of saying he’d kill me? Everything used to be so simple, if boring, before I met Bill. No matter what I do, what we do, things are just never normal. It’s not just that I can’t have breakfast with him it’s that someone is always trying to kill us or getting in our business about being together. Sam, Tara, Eric and now even that crazy King of Mississippi. Who knew vampires had kings? I guess this is what it was like to be a mixed race couple in the South in the fifties. I’m just not sure I’m strong enough to be them. I’m not sure I trust Bill enough any more, or my own good senses. I am scared and I don’t think I can do this any more.

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Header credit: K. S. Rose


Mystery Reporter: Acting Sheriff Bellefluer & Wannabe Officer Stackhouse Exclusive

August 29, 2010

The Tattler is proud to present this most exclusive interview with Bon Temps Finest Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefluer and his  protege Jason Stackhouse.   It’s a very rare opportunity to get such a candid, in depth interview.  Believe me readers, this is one of a kind.  Enjoy…

MR:   Today I’m sitting down with a couple of the fine officials who keep the peace in Northwestern Louisiana: Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefleur and his assistant, Jason Stackhouse. Gentlemen, welcome and thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

JASON: First off, I’m not Andy’s assistant. I’m a cop. Well, almost. But soon I’ll be legit, Ma’am.

ANDY: It’s my pleasure, Ma’am.  [glares at Jason] Now don’t go tellin this fine lady you’re a cop, Stackhouse. We don’t need any misprints or lawsuits now do we?

JASON: [shrugging] I’m already the best COP you’ve got, Andy. [to the reporter] Did he tell you how I made a drug bust on the biggest drug ring round ’bouts here.

MR: No, I didn’t hear about that Mr. Stackhouse.

JASON: You shoulda been there, ‘hon, I nailed about 5 or 6 of them with just these [flexes his arms for her]. Squeeze that! Bet the boys you work with don’t have guns like these, huh?
That’s GRADE A 100% Bon Temps muscle fiber.

MR: [flustered she drops her papers and scrambles to pick them up] Um yeah…Have you been on many drug busts Mr. Stackhouse?

JASON: I’ve only been on the one, Darlin’, but I plan on making these parts drug free as soon as I get my badge.

MR: Congratulations, Sheriff Bellefleur on your recent promotion.

ANDY: Why thank you, Ma’am. It was quite an unexpected promotion, but one I assure the folks of Bon Temps that I take very seriously

MR: The outgoing Sheriff Bud Dearborne held the position for many years. Do you believe that you are fully prepared to fill those big shoes?

ANDY: I do I believe I can fill any position the former Sheriff Bud Dearborn may have been in.  As for his shoes??   Cowboy boots just ain’t my style.

JASON: [Grinning and ducking his head in front of Andy] Even if he ain’t, Ma’am, I’ll be there to make sure that any shoes that need filling will be taken care of. [looking puzzled] Wait, does this mean I’m gonna have to shine shoes too?

ANDY: Let me put that on the list Stackhouse. You can shine our shoes right after you wash the patrol cars and sweep the cells.

MR: You’ve certainly had a turbulent few months leading to your promotion, Sheriff. You recently shot and killed a local young man who your report claimed was “brandishing a large knife” and communicating threats against your life. How does an officer of the law live with the weight of such a thing every day?

ANDY: [sighs and looks nervously at Jason] Well ma’am, it’s hard for me to talk about. The nightmares still haunt me. I keep dreaming my friends are being shot right before my eyes. Especially Stackhouse. That’s one that I can’t get out my head. [glares at Jason, nostrils flaring]

JASON: [looks down at his shoes, and up at the reporter, and back at his shoes, and anywhere but at Andy]

ANDY:  It just tears a man apart, the thought that I killed another man, all in the line of duty.

JASON: [snorting] I’m sure you know all ’bout that-

ANDY:  Stackhouse, enough…

MR: Has your new “local hero” status changed the way you work?

ANDY: Why yes, I think it has. I take things a lot more seriously around here now. This town needs protection and I aim to do just that. Even if it means I have to kill someone.

MR: Mr. Stackhouse, you’ve had a rather sordid history with the Renard Parish authorities. How did you come to be interested in a position with the Sheriff’s Department?

JASON: Well, you see, I…. Well, my past is the past. And my future is like….[scrunching up his face like it hurts] There’s a lot about that going on in my brain, right now.

ANDY: [nudges Stackhouse and knocks the paper airplane out of his hand] Stackhouse, speak when you are spoken to.

JASON: [sits quietly for a moment, tilting his head back and thinking about it] Okay, I got this, it was after that drug bust, I was tellin’ you ’bout earlier, I just felt so good ’bout doing something for the community. And my Gran would be so proud of me [leaning in, cupping his hand to his mouth] You’re probably not from around here, but I haven’t given my Gran much to be proud of as of late, God rest her soul.

ANDY: [said under his breath] that’s the most truth come outta his mouth all week

MR: Does the fact that Sheriff Bellefleur once arrested you on suspicion of murder ever cause a rub in your working relationship?

JASON: [looking at Andy] Nah. [tossing his arm over the sheriff] me and Andy is pals now, ain’t we? [pauses and looks back at the reporter]  Ma’am, is this gonna to be on TV? Where’s the camera? [looks around the room]

ANDY: [says under his breath] “Dumbass”)

MR: How does a man with a 1.6 high school GPA and no recorded law enforcement training end up behind the wheel of a patrol car stopping and reprimanding citizens?

JASON: There is a good reason for that, pretty lady.  I’ve got all the training I need from playing football, and a special leadership conference that I attended on my summer vacation.  And I can drive a patrol car, they’re just like regular cars. As for the citizens, that boy was gaining [whispers] Carmel knowledge [leans in closer] of that woman in a public area. [Sits up proud]  That’s from the Bible…It was a Honda Civic duty I was performing. [pauses, scratching his head] Wait, what’s a GPA? Is that like AIDS?

ANDY: [phone rings to the tune of Hawaii 5-0 and he raises his finger up covering the receiver] Official police business.  You’ll have to excuse me.

MR: [looks to Jason] And the reports that you may have been seen pulling vehicles over with attractive female drivers… without your shirt?

JASON: [grinning boyishly] Well, you see, I was undercover that day Ma’am…. as a car washer. It had to do with the drug problem case. And I can’t be held responsible for a woman being pretty, much like yourself.

MR: Why thank you, Mr. Stackhouse.  [blushes and looks at her paper, getting flustered]   Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge. Per capita, that makes your relatively small parish a national “V” hotspot. Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?
JASON: [looking confused] I didn’t learn the state capitals, well, least I can’t remember, but I don’t think we’re supposed to have more than one and you named like 3. [tries to ge the Sheriff’s attention] Andy?  Wanna help me out with this?

[Andy shoots him a cold hard stare and brushes him off]

JASON: You’ll have to excuse him Ma’am, he’s a busy man and he’s cranky because he can’t have his morning coffee any more. When he does he’s hold up in the bathroom for hours.  [wrinkles his nose] and trust me, it ain’t pretty.  That’s why the Police force needs my blood, [leaning in and winking] I can stay up all night. I’ve got stigmata.  So looks like Andy’s out. What’dya say you let me buff your bumper?

MR: Well, I did do a stint as an exotic dancer in college…

ANDY: Claps his phone shut and mutters, damn that Maxine Fortenberry and her MADV bullshit clogging up all the main arteries in my town with her protests, just like she clogged up that poor boy Hoyt’s with those potato chip sandwiches for years.  No wonder that boy was a fat kid [throws his hands in the air] What you looking at Stackhouse????

JASON: Dude!  I was just about to score

ANDY: You mean you think you were

JASON: It was in the bag ’til you jumped up screamin, “PIGGGGGGG”

MR: [Looks around nervously] Well, er, where were we? Ah, yes…

ANDY: I did not say Pig I said kid,  I ain’t seen no pigs since I stopped drinkin’  Shouldn’t you be shinin’ someone’s shoes or washin’ a carpet somewhere back at the station.

JASON: Shouldn’t you be eating a donut or somethin’?

ANDY: Just shut your pie hole Stackhouse and let me catch up.

MR: Sheriff, Jason…er… Mr. Stackhouse and I were discussing your area’s drug problem.

ANDY: Well that case out in Hot Shot is classified.

MR: No, not that Sheriff, we were talking about how Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge.  Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?

ANDY: Now those are too big of words for Stackhouse so here so let me answer it [cracks his knuckles forward and sits up proud then slumps, stumped for words] Shit, now I gotta answer it.

JASON: Isn’t as easy as it looks, huh. And, uh, Andy, that ain’t the way to talk in front of a pretty, young thing like her. [flashes a smile at the reporter]

ANDY: [leans into Jason with a whisper] This is not the time for “dick on”.

JASON: But Andy, you’ve known me all these years.  Has there ever been a time when it hasn’t been dick on?

MR: Can somebody please answer this question so we can move on?

ANDY: I’m sorry ma’am,  If you ask me, it’s gotta have something to do with that vampire boyfriend of Sookie’s. Ever since he came around, things just ain’t been the same around these parts.

JASON: Can’t we have one problem in town without blaming me or Sook?

ANDY: Well come to think of it….NO!

JASON: [crosses arms and stews]

ANDY: [looks to the Mystery Reporter] I want it on record that I was not referring to the Stackhouses as the trouble here but in fact was referring to one Vampire Bill Compton. Not my fault Stackhouse has a guilty conscience.

JASON: [mutters] Well, s’not like I got the hero bit to wash it away.

MR: Moving on, gentleman. Your area also has a fairly high crime rate for its size, reported dog fighting, a decapitated John Doe, and several missing persons cases. Is this related to the heavy drug traffic in Renard Parish?

JASON: We got dog fighting? They put on gloves and everything? I’d like to see that. [pauses] Wait a minute,  John Doe? Ain’t he that college kid we got, laying down concrete, by the courthouse? He got D-Kappa-phi’d? I didn’t know he was in a fraternity.  Weren’t you in that fraternity Andy?

ANDY:  No, the only fraternity I have ever been in is the fraternal order of police which you may never be a part of if you don’t stop being such a dumb ass!  It’s all in that manual I gave you Stackhouse.  I highly suggest you read it!

MR: Sheriff? Any thoughts on the situation?

ANDY: I’m thinking…

JASON: Don’t hurt yourself …

ANDY: About how I can get rid of Stackhouse so this town don’t get into worse shit then it has already

JASON: There you go, blaming me again! I am a COP. I uphold the law. Well, I will, soon.

ANDY: All you seem to wanna uphold is what’s in your pants Stackhouse and that aint what makes a good Cop!  It takes a lot more than just learning how to use your night stick!

JASON: Well, it makes a good tent.

ANDY: [Pinches the bridge of his nose like he’s beginning to get a head ache and shakes his head back and forth]

MR: Okay….Among the missing citizens of your area, a known vampire named Bill Compton was reported weeks ago. Some have said that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department isn’t doing all that it can to locate the man who, under federal law, is entitled to all the same rights as your human residents. What do you say to critics who claim that your department is operating under a prejudicial policy?

ANDY: Vampire Bill is technically dead so he can’t be officially missing, but for the record, he has been found.

JASON: I don’t really know what you’re talking about darlin’  [crosses his legs and rubs his chin thoughtfully] But can you put that I’m thinking intensely about this in the article and make me look good? [flashes a cheesy grin]

MR: We’ll see [winks]

ANDY: What I meant to say was we are doing our best to locate Mr. Compton. Had he still been missing, this would have been  Jason’s first case.

MR:  But Mr. Stackhouse isn’t a deputy.

ANDY: Well Bill Compton isn’t technically alive so it works.

MR: Sheriff, are you suggesting that an untrained, unofficial deputy would have been assigned with the Compton case because the victim is a vampire?

JASON: That just ain’t right, um Ma’am. I single handedly took out a whole hillbilly drug cartel all by myself. Ain’t no better training than hands on.
MR: So you would trust this summer camp graduate in an important case such as this?

JASON: [snickering] It was a little like summer camp. But with more violence and less cumbaya.

ANDY: That is not what I said. You’re twisting my words. I never said he would be doing this on his own.  He would of course have some very qualified assistance.  As for the rest of what you’re fishin’ for, no comment. [sneers]

JASON: [whispering to Andy] We can do that? We can say no comment, like in the movies?

ANDY: Of course we can, Stackhouse.  You didn’t get to that part in the manual because you didn’t read it yet!

JASON: Well, I used it to keep the desk from tipping every time I tried to play table football.

ANDY: Yes I know…I saw it on the video tape.

JASON: Then why’d you ask?

ANDY: I didn’t ask you Stackhouse. I was stating a fact!

MR: [clears throat] And finally, gentlemen, we understand that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department’s annual booster calendar will be available for purchase in the fall. Is it true that Mr. Stackhouse will be featured in nine of the twelve months?

JASON: There’s only me, Andy, Kevin, and Kenya. [leans in to the reporter] And between you and me, they ain’t exactly pin up material.

ANDY: I have not been informed of any calendar. This has Stackhouse written all over it [folds his arms and gives Jason a cold hard stare]

JASON:  I figured we’d leave the other three months out since I ran out of film.

ANDY: Maybe we could fit your sister Sookie in there Jason, being she’s always at the station for some goddamn reason or another.

JASON: [thinking about it] Nah, Sook won’t do that, she’s too shy. I could probably get Lafayette.

MR: [Gives a bashful blush] Well, could we get a preview? You know, for the paper?

ANDY: Oh God [rolls eyes].  I assure you Stackhouse and I will be discussing this matter at a later date after he’s done with his “chores”

JASON: You don’t have to ask me twice, sugar. [unbuttoning his pants, and stopping short] Andy, you may want to step out for a minute, or an hour.

ANDY: He’s lying missy…he don’t take no hour. You’re lucky if it lasts five minutes

JASON: Would you git? I’m trying to do some pubic relations here.

MR: Oh! Um, I meant… I was asking about the calendar! But, maybe Mr. Stackhouse could sign my… our copy?

ANDY:  It’s Public Relations Stackhouse, get it right!

JASON: [stopping and buckling back up] Oh, yeah, I can do that too. Whoops.

MR: Gentlemen, thank you again for having me. I appreciate you candidness.

ANDY: Anything for the press, ma’am

JASON: See, right there is where you get confusing. I ain’t had you yet.

MR: Well we can remedy that and you can come home with me and give me a private show.

JASON: I guess that’s my cue to leave.

ANDY: [grabs Jason by the back of the collar] Oh you’re leaving with me Stackhouse. I think it’s time we get you fitted for a proper uniform and I assure you that it will not have Velcro seams.

JASON: Damnit Andy!  You sure know how to piss on someone’s campfire!

MR: Well, this appears to be a record.  I have managed to live through this interview unlike my predecessors.  [checks out Jason’s ass as he walks out of the door]  Oh to be a notch in his belt, but then again, considering his track record with women…I’m probably better off.

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Mystery Reporter written by Yarrow Carmichael/Rice

Andy Bellefluer written by Cyrenna Dewhurst

Jason Stackhouse written by Michele L. Medina

Comedy Relief  supplied by B.Kent

Header credit: K. S. Rose


Mystery Reporter – Bill and Lorena – Love At First Bite?

August 3, 2010

As the editor of the Bon Temps Tattler I’m so excited to bring this tasty morsel to the readers of  An exclusive interview with the most controversial vampire “couple”, Bill Compton and Lorena Krasiki.    The source of this interview is…a mystery!

Dateline: Unknown

Checking my appearance one last time in the mirror and very pleased with my choice of wardrobe for this once in a lifetime opportunity, I await the arrival of the gruesome twosome.  A single knock at the door announced their arrival.

MR:  Mr. Compton, Lorena…thank you for joining me.  It’s so nice that you two could make it this evening for this exclusive interview.  It’s not often that I have had the pleasure to interview such a handsome couple, either living or dead.  May I ask why you decided to give me such a delightful honor?

BILL: You’re very welcome, Miss….uh, I’m sorry but I do not know your name.  I would hardly call us a couple, far from it, as far as I am concerned.  Lorena is my Maker.  That is the only connection I have to her.  As for why we chose The Bon Temps Tattler and yourself, that will have to remain Lorena and my little secret, but you will be sure to see to it that Truebloodnet receives it’s copy  of the Tattler?…It is my understanding that I have many admirers there [Flashes a charming smile, noticing her Sparkly “TEAM BILL” baby tee] And by the way, I do not sparkle in the sunlight.

LORENA: We are glad to make your acquaintance.  We are far from a first name basis, Darlin’, so you can call me Ms. Krasiki. I have waited a long time for this. William and I have not been around one another for 75 years. I am so glad to be here sitting with William once again. You ARE a lucky one, Darlin’, and by the looks of you, so delicious.

MR: Mr. Compton, I assure you, the pleasure is all mine, and yes, you have many who admire you here in Bon Temps, and I am on the top of that list. [looks Bill up and down as she hikes up her mini skirt, showing her inner thigh, then turns to Lorena with a smile]  As for you….Ms. Krasiki, I really must ask you, why Mr. Compton?  You could have had any man as your eternal child.  Why Mr. Compton, why Bill?  I have to admit he’s easy on the eyes but there must be something more to it than that?

LORENA: [looks over at William] “William, the human’s name isn’t important. [Sneers and turns back to the interviewer] The same reason you look at him with those eyes.  William was noble and a good southern gentleman. You could say he is one of a kind.  William was quite different from the others and when he came into my home, I knew right then and there I was going to make him mine.  There were few gentleman like my William.  His hunger was not what the other men came looking for…his hunger was for food.  Sooner or later William will realize that we belong together. [Glancing over at him then back to the interviewer]

BILL: I came to your doorstep out of desperation, Lorena.  It was the end of the end of the War.  I was cold and starving, not having eaten for days. When you took me in, I was grateful but I needed to return to my home to care for my family.  You took that all way for your own selfish reasons.  Had you really believed in my nobility, you would have let me go.

LORENA: I thought we put that all behind us William.  Your loyalty a century ago was to a wife and your children Now you try to be loyal to a ridiculous waitress and we both know that hasn’t been entirely true.  When you came in to my home, I fed you and saw something in you like no other.  I wanted you and to be mine and I was going to see what you really are.  You just never embraced our true nature.  I always told you that there’s our world and there is theirs.  You just keep clinging to humanity. One day you will see that the human world is no longer available to you.  I’ve always told you that.

BILL: As you can tell, Lorena and I do not see things eye to eye.  This argument has been going on for decades.  We continue to gnaw at it like a dog with his favorite bone.

MR: What a truly interesting beginning this is to a most controversial relationship.   Which brings me to my next question…We have yet to hear much about your children Mr. Compton.  I hear they passed.  Why was it you did not turn them to save them?  Why didn’t you turn your wife?

BILL: I did return to Bon Temps briefly a few years after I was turned against Lorena’s wishes.  Upon my arrival, I heard there was an epidemic of Small Pox that ravaged through Louisiana and had taken my youngest son. [Pauses briefly and dabs his eyes with a handkerchief]  I only meant to anonymously check in on my family to make sure that their welfare was secure, then I was discovered by my wife Caroline in her hour of mourning.  She told me that our daughter and eldest son were sent away to escape the sickness.  It was my understanding that they both survived and lived on to carry the Compton legacy.  It was never a possibility in my mind that I would ever have allowed them to suffer with the eternal darkness that I have endured for the past 174 years.

MR: [Sets a box of tissues on the table for Bill] No wonder you wanted to get away from her…you poor man.  She took everything away from you…..

BILL:  I am fine, thank you.  It is just difficult for me to talk about my family.

LORENA: I would watch what you say if I were you little girl.  I haven’t fed….yet [hisses]

MR: Mr. Compton, How has your decision to mainstream affected your relationship with Lorena?

BILL: My decision to mainstream came well after I severed ties with Lorena.  When the Great Revelation came to pass, I embraced my opportunity to come out of the shadows and live openly and freely as a vampire among humans.

LORENA: William, I don’t understand why you have to adapt to live among these humans.  You never adapted to your true nature. That sorry excuse for bottled blood that they are pedaling to us is vile and disgusting. How can you even drink that?  It doesn’t even taste like the real thing.

BILL: I would never expect you to understand, Lorena, but this is the new wave of the future for vampires if we want to continue to exist openly and publicly.  All you do is take, take, take…you are the one that is going to need to learn to adapt.

MR: What drove you to sever your ties from your maker?

BILL: As with any Vampire Maker/ Progeny relationship, like with a parent and child, the child must leave the nest eventually and go out on their own.  With Lorena, this was a difficult feat because she had a very strong hold on me.  I grew weary of the life we were leading, and to be blunt, of her.  [Looks to Lorena]  I just couldn’t be what you wanted of me.

LORENA: I made you and you are MINE. I will always be your maker no matter how hard you try to defy me.

MR: What affect has the telepathic waitress, Sookie Stackhouse, had on your relationship?  Do you find her to be a threat?

LORENA: A threat? [Laughs] To me?  Oh please!  I couldn’t be more insulted. She is a pathetic bag of flesh and I could just squash her like a bug, and I will, once I get my hands on her.  Besides, I don’t know what anyone sees in her anyway.  And what makes her so special?  If it weren’t for everyone trying to protect her she’d be six feet under and actually being of some use… as worm food.

BILL: [Growls and extends fangs]  If you harm one single hair on Sookie, Lorena, I will kill you myself.  That I can promise you!

LORENA: Oh William, you’re so sexy when your angry like that!  Your animalistic temper just makes me want you even more. [Fangs extend from arousal]

MR: Come on now, let’s get back to what we’re doing here I don’t any blood shed on my pretty baby tee [turns to Lorena with a smile] But you are right, he really is sexy when he’s angry.   And seeing how you two are acting towards each other here today, it makes me wonder Mr. Compton, Was there any time you ever did feel love for Lorena?

BILL: I wouldn’t call my feelings for Lorena as love.  I could never truly love someone as cold-hearted as her.  I have felt compassion and a degree of loyalty in the past, but that is not exactly a feeling as it is more of an instinct that is born within a vampire as one reveres their maker.

LORENA: You did love me once, William, I bet my life on it. [Touches her necklace] You made love to me and embraced those feelings once.  You will learn to love me again. No matter how much you try to push me away, I will always love you. William, you are mine.

MR: Ms. Krasiki, Why were the 20’s and 30’s your most favorite decades?

LORENA: Those were such times to remember…The beauty of being glamorous…The blood was flowing as much as jazz and booze were.  It was exciting going around and feeding on such tasty elegance. The hunt was much more exciting back then, when humans were oblivious to our true existence.  We were able to mingle freely; it was as if we were hiding in plain sight among them.  The fact that we were vampires was still hidden, as it still should be.  We were made to dominate humans and it was so much easier then because of their ignorance.

MR: Mr. Compton, Have you ever had any thoughts of turning Sookie?  And if so Ms. Krasiki, would you be willing to share him with her for eternity?

BILL: Absolutely not. The thought never crossed my mind until the King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, asked me this question as well.  Sookie deserves to live a long, full life and I would not want to be the one who takes that from her, as I have had mine ripped out from me.  I could never bring myself to do that to another unless the duty was forced upon me, which it has.

LORENA: Share? [Laughs] What’s that common phrase? Oh yes, I skipped that day in Kindergarten.  Anyways, William wouldn’t turn his precious human.  He wouldn’t have it in him to turn any human much-less his precious little pet.  He didn’t do that when he was faced with the opportunity to do it with his beloved Caroline.

MR: Which brings me to my next question, we were informed you do have a child Mr. ComptonJessica. Where is your child Jessica in all this?  We have heard from our sources that you have left her alone to fend for her self…is any of this true?

BILL: It’s not like I left on my own accord.  I was taken by those filthy… [Shakes his head]  Jessica is a smart girl.  She can take care of herself and she knows where to buy Tru-Blood when she gets hungry.

LORENA: So the rumors are true! I am a Grandpire??  Oh, William! You’ve made me so proud. I seriously didn’t think you had it in you. I would love to meet this Jessica!  Oh the things I can teach her….

BILL: [Interrupts] Yes, I have a ward and you will have no part in the rearing of her, Lorena. I will make sure of that.

MR: Mr. Compton, what are your thoughts on The Sheriff of Area 5’s intentions for Sookie?  We hear that he has assigned her protection.

BILL: Eric’s intentions for Sookie are only for his own personal gain, nothing more.  Sookie would never willingly submit to his desires.  I do have faith in that, but I do not trust him.  If he has assigned her protection, I am grateful, though I know it was not as a favor to me.

LORENA: William, just let him have her.  I don’t know why you fret over her so much.  She is beneath you William.

BILL: NEVER!  Sookie is MINE!

LORENA: [Spoken in a whisper] Not for long…

MR: Which brings me to my next question:  How do you like the fact Sookie has been seen in the company of Alcide Herveaux.  The two do seem to be getting quite close….and he is quite the yummy one.

BILL: [Sneers] Yes, I am well aware that he is the one assigned to protect Sookie, though it doesn’t please me that Eric made that choice.  Considering the current, uh, situation, I suppose it will have to do and he can keep her safe during the day.

LORENA: [Laughs] William are you getting jealous? Now you know how it feels to see the one you love in the arms of another, don’t you?

BILL: [Hisses]  Sookie is not in the arms of another and if I ever find out that he has put his filthy paws on her, it will be a good day for a dog such as he to be put down.

MR: There is rumor of Sookie having powers other than her mind reading abilities.  Do you have any idea what she is???

BILL: I have no comment on this matter.

LORENA: I’m curious to know what she is myself.

MR: Oh come on Bill, you must have some idea…

BILL: [Glares] I said no comment.

LORENA: Keep it at Mr. Compton darlin’ or you may just end up being tonight’s first course.

MR: What is your thought on the selling of V and those who partake of such pleasures?

BILL: Having been abducted by “drainers” myself, I find it absolutely appalling.

LORENA: Our blood is sacred.  It shouldn’t be squandered among the parasites.  It is an abomination and those who partake in this should be severely punished for their crimes.

MR: And my final question, Ms. Krasiki, If you were to achieve the final death tomorrow, is there anything you would have liked to have done with your life?  Anything you would have done differently?  Any regrets?

LORENA: The only regret I have is letting William go the first time. I know he would have eventually embraced our true nature.  Had things gone differently, by now we could have been the King and Queen of Illinois and spent our eternity together, as it should have always been.

MR: It seems our time is almost up.  I would like to thank you for letting us interview you both.  [Leans into Bill handing him her card] And if you ever, ever need me for anything Bill, anything at all, or if things don’t work out with you and Sookie, give me a call.

LORENA: That’s it…I warned you! It’s Mr. Compton.  I have had just about enough with the likes of you.  William, what do you say we have one for the road.  Bon appetit…

[fades to black]

[ The tapes of this interview were sent to us by an anonymous source, wrapped in a sparkling Team Bill baby tee shirt.  The whereabouts of the interviewer are still unknown.  Bill and Lorena cannot be reached for comment]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Bill Compton written by B. Kent

Lorena Krasiki written by Edna Cantu
Photo Credit:  HBO and Screen Caps by James Chin

Header Credit: K. Rose


Bon Temps Tattler: Sookie Stackhouse Letter to the Editor

May 27, 2010

Okay first and foremost I have been a reader of this fine paper for quite some time now and I simply cannot believe how it has now been turned into nothing but a sleezy gossip rag ever since this MADV debate came about!  How dare you Mrs. Fortenberry! Since when have you become the Bon Temps expert on dating much less Vampire dating.  I mean seriously, with all due respect, when was the last time you even went on a date?  You wouldn’t know what love was unless it came in a bag that said Frito-Lay.

As most you folks know,  I tend to speak my mind. However, Gran always taught me there’s a time and a place for everything so I’ve been holding my tongue. ‘Course, if Gran were alive and saw this MADV hogwash, she would agree now’s the time to speak out.  Honestly, I thought we all had changed since the time of the witch hunts or at least the civil war, but apparently I was dead wrong.  You call the vampires blood thirsty dead things that shouldn’t even be here?  You folks with your MADV Gossip Bee’s are far more blood thirsty than an ole vampire! All that’s missing from this little passion play are the white hoods, the torches and a few miles of rope. Y’all were running out of folks to hate and you latched onto vampires like an alcoholic craddlin’ their beer.  The vampire‘s have a right to be here just like the rest of us.  They used to have to drink human blood to survive but now they have stopped the killing and feeding off of humans.  That is unless we choose to let them feed on us, and from personal experience I can tell you, it’s A-MAZ-ing.  You really outta try it Mrs. Fortenberry.  You might just like it.

And as for the Bon Temps ‘Mother of the Year’, Mrs. Thornton.  Lord knows she has a lot nerve of throwing out scriptures like she really knows what they mean.  Mrs. Thornton, if Gran were alive today she would put you in your place right proper with a scripture or two of her own starting with Mathew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”.  Good luck with that, Mrs. Thornton, because now you have left yourself wide open.  And to even have the nerve to publicly put Miss Jeanette up on some pedestal after all she did to your very own daughter not to mention this town!  If not for you bringing her into Tara’s life in the first place, none of this would have happened and Eggs would probably still be alive today!  There’s not enough Hoe Cakes in the world to make up for what you have done. You know full well what happened to Miss Jeanette and the rest of the town had nothing to do with the vampires but was caused by Miss Jeanette foolishly calling out her Voo Doo demons to line her pockets with poor desperate folks hard earned money.  To use it as a tool for  MADV, now that’s just low, even for you.   You really did miss your callin’ as a politician (with apologies to Mayor Norris).

You, Mrs. Thornton, are so far from perfect you have no right to be throwing the first stone. Were you not the  one that held a shotgun on me and Lafayette and let Tara go right on back into the hands of that horrible Mary Ann Forester?  You knew what that woman might do to Tara because you saw it first hand!!! You should be ashamed of yourself Mrs. Thornton.  All to satisfy some selfish need you to ‘be there’ for Tara after all the years you were in the bottle when she needed you most. You still didn’t know how to be a mama and tell Tara ‘No!’ when she needed you to, to keep her safe.  But that’s really not so surprising, now is it?  After all, all Tara ever was to you was someone to wash you up after you threw up the last bottle of Vodka you were drinking, and slamming her right square in the head with it as you demanded she get you more.

You have no call to berate my brother Jason either.  If not for him protecting Tara when we were all kids, you would have killed her long ago.  And don’t you dare call me weak minded.  At least I didn’t have to spend my own daughter’s hard earned money to go conjure up spirits to save my drunken’ self!  What’s amusing is how you went so far as to make Lafayette and Tara members of MADV without even asking them.  You never cared what anyone else wanted any way.

As for you, Mrs. Fortenberry, you may condemn vampires, but I’ll have you know, Vampire Bill is the most wonderful man I have ever met and a perfect gentleman. Just his very polite response to your MADV movement is living proof of that.  As far as I’m concerned, he treated you with more respect then you deserve.  He has shown me nothing but love, loyalty and respect.  He has proven to me that what ya’ll think makes me strange is in fact a gift and something to be grateful for.  Vampires may be dead, but they can feel love just like anyone else.  I have seen this and felt this with my boyfriend Bill.  He makes me feel….human.  My Gran, God bless her soul, approved of him and now my brother Jason has finally come to his senses about Vampire Bill as well.  We’re just one big happy family now, so you and your little followers just better get used to it.  For once in my life I feel like I belong and am loved for who I am. I know what y’all are thinkin’, there’s that “Crazy Sookie Stackhouse, that girl just ain’t right, she ain’t nothin’ but a fangbangen slut, that girl” and worse things y’all should be ashamed of!

In closing, the only one I feel sorry for is your son Hoyt.  You really should think about his feelings and put your own aside.  Jessica is the same as any other teenage girl and needs to be guided and helped especially since she was made a vampire so young and against her will. You know, you could really be the mother she needs. You must have some mothering left in you, Hoyt turned out good, the Lord alone knows how.  She loves your son and he loves her.  So what if she wears red shoes and she is vampire, she is good for Hoyt and that is all that matters.    You could learn from your son right about now Mrs. FortenberryHoyt is much like my Vampire Bill.  He knows how to love someone for who they are.  In every parents life there comes the time to let their child go and respect their choices, it’s the only way to keep them close to your heart.

And now for my Word of the Day!!!


a noun

1. refuse given to hogs; swill.

2. any worthless stuff.

3. meaningless or insincere talk, writing, etc.; nonsense; bunk.

Funny how irony happens!

Oh, and before I forget, make sure ya’ll make it to *Wednesday night  All you can Eat Wings* night at Merlotte’s.  After all,  everyone knows  Sam has the best wings in the Parish.  See you then!

Sookie Stackhouse

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)


Bon Temps Tattler: Maxine Fights Back

April 1, 2010

Citizens of Bon Temps, I come here today with a heavy heart. I cannot believe my boy Hoyt has joined in the forces of the vampire against his own mother. Instead of coming to my defense and joining in helping my cause, MADV, Mothers Against Dating Vampires, he is now leading others into the path of destruction. If I didn’t see it myself I would not have believed my boy would stoop so low as to write a column about dating dead things! Even goin’ so far as to bring up my treatment of black folk! With God as my witness, believe me when I tell you, some of my best friends are black folk! And Hoyt knows I have no problem with letting Lafayette cook me up some of his delicious fried chicken.

And as for his little harlot hog tying me? I dare her. That just goes to show you readers: these creatures of the night are not like the rest of us. Here they are wanting the same rights as us humans but I don’t expect a shark to have the same rights as I do just because they eat a person now and then. What’s next? Are we gonna be givin’ rights to to lions and sharks and bears? Just because we’re their food and we’re the vampires’ food? I tell you it just ain’t natural. The only man that will ever get my respect for rising’ from the dead is the good Lord Jesus.

As for the returning of her so called virtue, that’s God’s way of punishing her for being the undead and fornicating with a sweet innocent boy like my Hoyt. Again, it’s just unnatural! If God wanted us to have relations with dead things, he would have made that the 11th commandment but unfortunately for her there are only 10! So if you’re reading this you fly-by-night Jezebel, you need to do us both a favor and stay away from my boy! Because next time, I might not be so nice.

For all those who are true to this cause, we will be selling bumper stickers and t-shirts along with informational pamphlets on *How Not to Date a Vampire* at the next meeting for the Decedents of the Glorious Dead, who died for our country,  and stayed dead, unlike some folks who shall remain nameless.

*MADV Because Mama knows Best!*

Maxine Fortenberry

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)


Bon Temps Tattler: Maxine Fortenberry Report

December 5, 2009

Tattler Header

Well it’s about time someone wanted to hear someone with a lick of sense!  I would like to first thank the Bon Temps Tattler for requesting my services as a bonafide reporter of this fine paper.  And I give my word that I will report the strange happenings of our town to the best of my abilities and I will tell the truth and as the Good Lord says, “The truth will set you free!”

First of all, I would like to lay all my cards on the table and apologize for the actions of my son Hoyt.  I am sure by now you all know he as been dating a Vampire.  I have tried on my own as a single parent to raise my boy as best as I can but a mother can only do so much.  I tell you this is a mother’s worst nightmare and it has to be stopped.  I know some of you must think ill of me for coming out like this and talking openly about my own flesh and blood, but how can I stop this monstrosity of humans dating vampires if I don’t step up to the plate and do something about it myself. It just breaks my heart to do this but I would not be doing the readers of this fine paper Justice to just sweep this under the rug.  My integrity as a reporter for the Bon Temps Tribune and telling my town the truth is far more important than worrying about what other people think of me.  If I can reach others through my own experience maybe I can save our beloved town from loosing their loved ones to the wicked ways of the vampire.

This harlot my boy is dating has come in and brainwashed my poor boy and taken him from me.  I am quite certain she did some vampire who do Voodoo mind control sex spell to get him to even look her way.   My Hoyt would not look at such trash without some kind of mind manipulation.  And a mother knows her own flesh and blood more than she even knows herself.  This vampire is a shady one I tell you and she hides her evil ways looking all innocent, like she’s this poor Little Orphan Vampire, but I got this Jezebel’s number.  She is nothing but a wolf in sheep’s clothing!  Now she may have gotten past my son with her harlot ways and her fangy smile but she did not get past me.  I immediately noticed she was wearing white after Labor Day.  That just shows me she not only is a blood sucking harlot but she has no class at all whatsoever!  It was probably some manipulative ploy to make herself look virginal and innocent but I saw right through her, yes I did, all the way down to her red shoes!!!!  And there is nothing good that ever comes from a woman that wears red!  It is the color of the beast.

Now all this and my own experience got me to thinking that it is now time to take action as a community and fight this new trend of our beloved ones dating the vampires. We need to take our loved ones back.  We must get them out of the evil lairs of the vampire and home where they belong!  I am starting a help group for our community. Oh yes I am.  I mean someone has to take the bull by the horns and that someone is me, Maxine Fortenberry!

We call ourselves MADV,  “Mothers Against Dating Vampires.”  We will be here for all your trials and tribulations caused by these creatures of the night taking away our loved ones with their vile and ungodly ways!  Vampires should stick to their own kind and we will not back down!  Our mission will be to stop any and all vampires from dating our beloved family and friends.  They WILL leave out loved ones alone after we are done!  They will be sent back to their coffins and stick to their own kind and I will not until that happens will we rest!

Anyone interested in joining us to help in our cause, please do not hesitate to call me ASAP and sign up!  MADV NEEDS YOU!!!!  And don’t forget to come to our bake sale next week at Bon Temps High in support of our cause.  MADV!  Mothers Against Dating Vampires!

Maxine Fortenberry

Do you support Maxine‘s MADV club or are you a fangbanger yourself?  Let others know what you are thinking about this new organization.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)