A Bon Temps Cold Front

January 3, 2011 by  

What up tricks? Ya boy, Lafayette, just had to tell ya about something real crazy Jason done now. I was closing up Merlotte’s last night, right? I’m in the freezer putting up some meat I had just got through marinating when all of a sudden, he come running up in dere talkin’ bout how fine dis chic outside is. You probably thinking what’s unusual with dat – we all know Jason girl crazy.

But what came next was nothing but crazy – crazier than Andy when he gets in da sauce. I had dat door propped open wit a couple of cases of tomatoes. Next thing I know, Jason talkin’ bout how dis woman fine and she a public school teacher and all kinds of other crazy stuff. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Nah, Jason – what you gonna do wit a public school teacher? She obviously got a education and probably want a man that got one too. You ain’t event decide yet whether you gonna go to college or not.

Jason: She’s cute, Lafayette. I went up to the bar to another beer and she was giving me the eye from afar.

Me: More like, she probably had something in her eye. What she want wit a fool like you, Jason? For real.

Jason: Well, I bet you 5 bucks she gonna go out wit me when I ask her.

Me: She gonna ask have you lost yo mind, Jason. She probably know all about you takin’ care of dat girl’s family in Hotshot. You know it don’t take long here for da gossip to make its rounds.

Jason: Oh yeah, Lafayette? Well you just wait and see. She’ll go out with me if I ask her. She won’t be able to resist that Stackhouse charm.

Me: Stackhouse charm? Shoot, I bet if you brought Sookie round here, she could listen in on dat teacher’s thoughts and she could tell you what kind of dang fool she think you are.

Jason: Oh, whatever Lafayette. Watch Jason in action. I’m bout to go out here and ask her on a date.

Me: Whatever you do, don’t shut dat door, Jason. I won’t be able to get outta here.

Jason: Like I’d do dat Lafayette.

Me: You best not do it. I don’t want to have to hurt you up in here. It’s as cold as a mug up in here and youse know ya boy don’t do cold.

And dat’s when da craziness started. Jason walked out da freezer and saw dat teacher coming toward him. He ran back into da freezer after pushing away da tomatoes and he shut dat dang door!

Me: What da hell, Jason? What da hell?

Jason: I panicked, Lafayette. I saw that beautiful woman coming toward me and I panicked. I wasn’t ready to ask her out. I was just going to admire her from afar and then maybe later on, I’d buy her a drink or something. Man, I was just playing – I wasn’t really gonna ask her out, but I wasn’t expecting to see her coming to talk to me, either.

Me: You fool. She was going to the ladies room. You know it’s right outside here.

Jason: Nah, I think she was checking me out. She probably wanted to make sure she got a chance to talk to me before Merlotte’s closed.

That’s when I walked over to the door and pulled on it and it was locked – from the outside. Now here we are in a 30 degree freezer and no way to get out. I started yelling and screaming and beating on the door, but no one heard me. Of all times to leave my cell phone in da kitchen!

Me: Gimme ya cell phone fool!

Jason: I left it on the bar, I think. *Jason digs around in his pockets, but comes up wit nothing*

Me: Are you kidding me? Ya fool! You really are a fool! I told ya not to close dat door, didn’t I? What we gone do now? We gone freeze up in here!

Jason: We gonna be OK. We gonna just yell and somebody will hear us.

30 minutes later, here we are literally freezing to death and ain’t nobody heard us and ain’t nobody helping us.

Me: Thanks a lot ya idiot. We gonna die up in her. Sam ain’t posed to be back until 7 in da morning and we trapped here now – it ain’t nothing but about 2 in da morning. We got another 5 hours in here.

*30 minutes later Jason gets a brilliant idea*

Jason: Lafayette, Grams used to always tell us if we ever got stranded in a car in a snowstorm, that you should take off all your clothes and snuggle up with whoever’s with you. She said that the body heat would keep you from freezing to death.

Lafayette: Why in da hell would Grams tell you dat? You live in Louisiana, fool. You probably never even seen snow, much less would ya ever get caught in a snowstorm.

Jason: Well, it’s worth a try. We gonna freeze to death in here for sure.

I (reluctantly) agreed and what followed was about da craziest damned thang that’s ever happened. Jason and I took off our clothes and tried to warm up. Next thang I know, we done fallen asleep on da floor of da freezer. I look up right, and what do I see? A pair of red stilletos and some skinny jeans. I jumped so hard I threw Jason off me. It was da sexy teacher he got a crush on. She said she got half way home when she realized dat she left her purse on da bar. When she came back in, everybody was gone, but nothin’ was locked up. She thought dat was strange and den she saw Jason cell phone on da bar. Since dey been having some strange occurrences in Bon Temps, she decided to check and make sure everybody was OK.

She opened da freezer and there we were, naked as da day we came into dis world! By now, Jason was awake and was trying to explain. Heehee, you shoulda heard dis mess dat was comin outta his mouth. He’d a done better to just let her think we were snuggling for real.

*Shakes head* Dat Jason, I tell ya. He can get himself in more than a little bit of trouble!

Disclaimer: “A Bon Temps Cold Front” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO