Bon Temps Horrorscopes — Venus Says What?

October 13, 2010 by  

Sookie tries to avoid reading the newspaper, mostly because she has no interest in seeing people blast their hate for just about everyone and everything in black and white, but every now and again she likes to look at the comics. It’s a balmy evening as she sits on the couch in the living room listening to the sound of the cicada’s song through the open window and thumbs through today’s copy of the Bon Temps Tattler.

The horoscopes.  Well, not that there’s any truth to this stuff, but who knows maybe there’s some good news for me and my friends.

Leo (7/23-8/22)

It is a well kept secret that that Leo is very sensitive. And one way they protect their marshmellowy center is by putting up walls made of steel. You don’t have to take the walls down completely because, again, no one really knows how soft it is in there, but think about building a window so you can reach a hand out every once and a while to ask for help.

“I’ll think about it,” Sookie mumbles to herself.

On to see what Eric’s horoscope has to say.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Perfection is the only measure Virgo lives by and you are no exception. But, ask yourself who exactly measures up? You’ll find that the list is very short with present company excluded of course. Try knocking that perfection standard down a notch and you’ll actually enjoy the company that appears. If you knock it down they will come!

“Amen for Eric. I wonder if he reads the newspaper?” Sookies rolls her eyes as she begins to think about Bill and goes on to read his horoscope.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Libra is one of the more open signs out there. But recently this hasn’t been your way. Libras are naturally social creatures so it can’t be easy secluding yourself like you have recently. Get out and involve yourself with a new group of people, your mind will enjoy the vacation.

“Good luck on meeting new people in Bon Temps. Lord knows it’s smaller than an ant hill.”  Sookie retorts, then snaps her head further down to continue reading.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

Scorpios can’t help but ask, “What about me?” at every turn. This week try listening to others. You just might find a new love interest, a meaningful friendship or possibly your soul mate.

“Ha! Fat chance for Andy and Pam. Those two might as well be looking for their soul mates in a pit of vipers!” She fairly growled out loud before checking out the next sign.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

The Sagittarius is always looking for a good time and fun to be around. But it’s time to buckle down and put some plans on paper. Unfortunately, the party’s over.

“I’m pulling for you, Jason. You deserve everything you work for.” As mad as her brother could make her, Sookie would always want the best for him.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

Loyalty is one of your best qualities and one of your faults, Capricorns. You need to decide when enough is enough and cut the rope. Remember, loyalty is no good if it’s not recognized. At the end of the day, save yourself!

“I’m so thankful for everything Alcide has done for me. I’ve got to remember to tell him that. And he ain’t so hard on the eyes either.” She let out a dreamy sigh.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Aquarians have a tendency to be wrapped up in their own head and this can come across as distant when in truth, you really care. Try expressing your feelings to your loved ones, you will only gain great things. Surprise: They may feel the same.

“Oh! So that’s what is going on with Jessica and Hoyt. There’s hope for them yet.” Sookie couldn’t help feeling hopeful excitement for the young couple.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

We all know how things should be but rarely are. Get your head out of clouds and deal with reality. It’s never fun but  just promise yourself that you’ll return to the heavens once you put out some fires here on earth.

“I know you can pull through this, Tara. I hope you can feel my love and know I’m here for ya, girl.”  She sent a mental boost of love out her living room window.

Aries (3/21-4/19)

All Aries need a time out to be with themselves and this is especially true for the coming week. We all know Aries have a tendency to be stubborn. Instead of being fixated on making others see things your way, back off and spend some time by yourself to contemplate why you are campaigning so hard for your point of view. Maybe there’s a reason others are opposed to it.

“Yeah, right! Tommy needs a little more than just alone time. He needs some serious anger management classes.” Sookie clucked her tongue.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

The Taurus likes to think outside the box and as a result they spend a lot of time defending themselves. You are an expert at this. However,  the  people in your life you are slow to move the way you want them to. Have no fear loved ones should come around at the end of the month. And remember, sometimes you win some sometimes you lose.

“Sam is such a good person. Hopefully he’ll find someone he’ll be able to share his secret with.” She crossed her fingers for all she was worth.

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

You are an exciting and charismatic creature. This week you will have a prime audience for your captivating show. Lights, camera, action! The stage is all yours. Just remember; you want to keep them coming back for more.

“Gee,  when is Lafayette never ready to perform?” Sookie chuckled and shook her head ruefully.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

Even though your sign is a crab, try not to act like one. Everyone goes through problems daily and you are no exception. Try and handle your issues backstage instead of front and center. The people around you may be getting tired of it.

“Amen, Arlene. Not that you’d think this could possibly be describing you!”

Sookie flips the paper over to the comic section and wonders if there’ll be any words of wisdom waiting for her in “Kathy” or “The Family Circus”. She settles deeper into the comfy old couch thinking maybe she should read the paper more often.

Disclaimer: This is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Bon Temps Horrorscope” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written by: Ayondela McDole

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