Bon Temps Tattler: It Could Be You

July 12, 2010 by  

I think I need to write you people again, the record needs to be set straight. First let me tell you, Bill Compton is NOT my daddy; I don’t care what he thinks. He is my maker and I have to listen to him but I do have a mind of my own and I won’t be silenced. Now, Bill told me to be nice in replying to Mrs. Fortenberry so I will tell you this very nicely. I think it’s funny that Maxine Fortenberry wants to show how her underwear out in public by putting it out there that she has lesbian tendencies. Honestly, didn’t she beg me to hog tie her? I have no problem with each man, woman, vampire or even dog doing their own thing but I am into men, Mrs. Fortenberry, more specifically I love your son. He knows how to treat a lady and he is doing Renard Parish a huge service by telling all these men (and I do use that term loosely) how to treat a female vampire. I think if you are smart you could even use his tips to date human women.

Bill told you all about his history but you know nothing  about my human Daddy.   My daddy is a self-righteous dictator that did nothing but make us believe that no matter what we did we were going to hell. My mother was his door mat and never stood up for her kids. I got a kid sister that lost the only protection she had when Bill turned me. I was in school and just like every teen-age girl and I had friends. They talked me into sneaking out to go to see Twilight and that’s how I got kidnapped, how’s that for a coincidence? I know I told everyone that it was the first time I had snuck out but truth is I had snuck out two other times. I was getting pretty sure of myself till that bitch grabbed me and took me to the tribunal. Bill was to be punished for killing a vampire, but I ask you, “Who do you think got punished?”

You know what we should really be debating? Well it damn sure ain’t who is dating Hoyt Fortenberry. Do you hicks even realize the rights I lost in a split second? As soon as our lives are turned Vampire, we lose rights like voting, marriage, having children and if the churches are right then we lose our soul, with any chance of getting into heaven. I guess daddy was right after all. I love Hoyt but if Mrs. Fortenberry has her way then that right will be taken away too. I am not the girl next door, but I’m not no whore neither. She has people looking down on me for being something I have no control over. I should not be looked at like I am lower than you; in truth I am better than you. I thought you Christians believed in acceptance but all I hear is you wanting to segregate or outright kill us. I am not asking any of you to accept me into your home. Hell, most of your houses I wouldn’t enter even if I was invited.

Eric, yes I am talking about Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area Five. You know, the area you live in and where I only need his permission to hunt who and where I want? Anyways he told me not to  worry over what lower life forms think. That in time I would come to understand that you are bitter because of your short lifespans. But I don’t want to wait when my character is being drug through the mud by a holier than thou bitch.

Mrs. Fortenberry will never accept that Hoyt loves me. She will always say I tricked her little boy. I am going to tell you this just once: there ain’t anything little on that man and he dang sure ain’t no boy! But that is our business and I know Bill will tell me to behave as a young lady should. So I will quote the great Abe Lincoln “Endeavor to Persevere” I will love Hoyt Fortenberry just like he loves me. If you want to sign up for MADV just think about me when you do it. You may be the next taken to stand in for a punishment. You may be the next Jessica Hamby….

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)