Bon Temps Tattler: Sookie Stackhouse Letter to the Editor

May 27, 2010 by  

Okay first and foremost I have been a reader of this fine paper for quite some time now and I simply cannot believe how it has now been turned into nothing but a sleezy gossip rag ever since this MADV debate came about!  How dare you Mrs. Fortenberry! Since when have you become the Bon Temps expert on dating much less Vampire dating.  I mean seriously, with all due respect, when was the last time you even went on a date?  You wouldn’t know what love was unless it came in a bag that said Frito-Lay.

As most you folks know,  I tend to speak my mind. However, Gran always taught me there’s a time and a place for everything so I’ve been holding my tongue. ‘Course, if Gran were alive and saw this MADV hogwash, she would agree now’s the time to speak out.  Honestly, I thought we all had changed since the time of the witch hunts or at least the civil war, but apparently I was dead wrong.  You call the vampires blood thirsty dead things that shouldn’t even be here?  You folks with your MADV Gossip Bee’s are far more blood thirsty than an ole vampire! All that’s missing from this little passion play are the white hoods, the torches and a few miles of rope. Y’all were running out of folks to hate and you latched onto vampires like an alcoholic craddlin’ their beer.  The vampire‘s have a right to be here just like the rest of us.  They used to have to drink human blood to survive but now they have stopped the killing and feeding off of humans.  That is unless we choose to let them feed on us, and from personal experience I can tell you, it’s A-MAZ-ing.  You really outta try it Mrs. Fortenberry.  You might just like it.

And as for the Bon Temps ‘Mother of the Year’, Mrs. Thornton.  Lord knows she has a lot nerve of throwing out scriptures like she really knows what they mean.  Mrs. Thornton, if Gran were alive today she would put you in your place right proper with a scripture or two of her own starting with Mathew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”.  Good luck with that, Mrs. Thornton, because now you have left yourself wide open.  And to even have the nerve to publicly put Miss Jeanette up on some pedestal after all she did to your very own daughter not to mention this town!  If not for you bringing her into Tara’s life in the first place, none of this would have happened and Eggs would probably still be alive today!  There’s not enough Hoe Cakes in the world to make up for what you have done. You know full well what happened to Miss Jeanette and the rest of the town had nothing to do with the vampires but was caused by Miss Jeanette foolishly calling out her Voo Doo demons to line her pockets with poor desperate folks hard earned money.  To use it as a tool for  MADV, now that’s just low, even for you.   You really did miss your callin’ as a politician (with apologies to Mayor Norris).

You, Mrs. Thornton, are so far from perfect you have no right to be throwing the first stone. Were you not the  one that held a shotgun on me and Lafayette and let Tara go right on back into the hands of that horrible Mary Ann Forester?  You knew what that woman might do to Tara because you saw it first hand!!! You should be ashamed of yourself Mrs. Thornton.  All to satisfy some selfish need you to ‘be there’ for Tara after all the years you were in the bottle when she needed you most. You still didn’t know how to be a mama and tell Tara ‘No!’ when she needed you to, to keep her safe.  But that’s really not so surprising, now is it?  After all, all Tara ever was to you was someone to wash you up after you threw up the last bottle of Vodka you were drinking, and slamming her right square in the head with it as you demanded she get you more.

You have no call to berate my brother Jason either.  If not for him protecting Tara when we were all kids, you would have killed her long ago.  And don’t you dare call me weak minded.  At least I didn’t have to spend my own daughter’s hard earned money to go conjure up spirits to save my drunken’ self!  What’s amusing is how you went so far as to make Lafayette and Tara members of MADV without even asking them.  You never cared what anyone else wanted any way.

As for you, Mrs. Fortenberry, you may condemn vampires, but I’ll have you know, Vampire Bill is the most wonderful man I have ever met and a perfect gentleman. Just his very polite response to your MADV movement is living proof of that.  As far as I’m concerned, he treated you with more respect then you deserve.  He has shown me nothing but love, loyalty and respect.  He has proven to me that what ya’ll think makes me strange is in fact a gift and something to be grateful for.  Vampires may be dead, but they can feel love just like anyone else.  I have seen this and felt this with my boyfriend Bill.  He makes me feel….human.  My Gran, God bless her soul, approved of him and now my brother Jason has finally come to his senses about Vampire Bill as well.  We’re just one big happy family now, so you and your little followers just better get used to it.  For once in my life I feel like I belong and am loved for who I am. I know what y’all are thinkin’, there’s that “Crazy Sookie Stackhouse, that girl just ain’t right, she ain’t nothin’ but a fangbangen slut, that girl” and worse things y’all should be ashamed of!

In closing, the only one I feel sorry for is your son Hoyt.  You really should think about his feelings and put your own aside.  Jessica is the same as any other teenage girl and needs to be guided and helped especially since she was made a vampire so young and against her will. You know, you could really be the mother she needs. You must have some mothering left in you, Hoyt turned out good, the Lord alone knows how.  She loves your son and he loves her.  So what if she wears red shoes and she is vampire, she is good for Hoyt and that is all that matters.    You could learn from your son right about now Mrs. FortenberryHoyt is much like my Vampire Bill.  He knows how to love someone for who they are.  In every parents life there comes the time to let their child go and respect their choices, it’s the only way to keep them close to your heart.

And now for my Word of the Day!!!


a noun

1. refuse given to hogs; swill.

2. any worthless stuff.

3. meaningless or insincere talk, writing, etc.; nonsense; bunk.

Funny how irony happens!

Oh, and before I forget, make sure ya’ll make it to *Wednesday night  All you can Eat Wings* night at Merlotte’s.  After all,  everyone knows  Sam has the best wings in the Parish.  See you then!

Sookie Stackhouse

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)