Bon Temps Tattler: The Truth About Maxine Fortenberry

February 1, 2010 by  

Dear Editor,

I feel I am placed in a position of defending myself for the attacks of your redneck gossip rag and the one-sided backwoods views of Maxine Fortenberry. I was instructed by my maker, Bill Compton, to try to smooth things over, he doesn’t like vampire’s public image to be sullied. So I’m writing to clear a few things up. I am Jessica Hamby, I do date Hoyt Fortenberry and I am vampire. I will address the article and attempt to remain a lady but I do not give my word on this.

First, My Lord Mrs. Fortenberry, if the truth shall set you free, you must be securely hogtied. You raised Hoyt as a single mother and tried your best to make him a momma’s boy, well that is until I came along. You see folks, it isn’t really that I am vampire that truly upsets Mrs. Fortenberry, it is the fact that that her son might one day leave her. As far as me being an orphan vampire, she is mistaken there too. I was the oldest child of Mr. and Mrs. Jordan Hamby and now I am Bill Compton’s child, well… sort of.

I have read through her vile lies several times and I do not see where my being a vampire is truly her concern. I believe she referred to me as a ‘Jezebel’ that can work ‘sex spells’. Well let me tell all of you something, I was a virgin when I met Hoyt, so y’all tell me, who used a sex spell on who. Now for those of you that don’t know, that means I’ll be a virgin forever. Which means I have my cherry popped every time and let me tell you that is not something I enjoy so much that I would lead an innocent man to his ruin.

Heavens! I didn’t even learn how to glamour till I got to Dallas but it is a very nice ability to have.  After all, if that crazy woman attacked me I could just glamoure her. It would be tempting to then make her my pet. Oh, I bet she peed a little after reading that. Don’t worry Mrs. Fortenberry, Bill won’t let me do anything to humans. Besides, Hoyt might get a little mad at me.  What I find very funny is that all she thinks about is the sex. I bet if she had a man this wouldn’t even be an issue. She is just a dried up old hag that has nothing to live for except controlling her son. And now Hoyt ain’t having none of it no more.

Bill has told me to try to remain as pleasant as I can to her, but this MADV group she is forming is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to get her baby boy back and I ain’t allowing it! Whether you like it or not Mrs Fortenberry, I love Hoyt and he loves me. This group will not change that.

In closing I would like to remind Mrs Fortenberry that if something was to happen to Hoyt, like a car crash or a heart attack from her grilled potato chip and cheese, ‘heart-attack-on-a-plate’ sammiches, please consider who would be able to help him heal, even critical wounds, I can even help with years of deep fried guilt. There may be a time when she is very thankful for who and what I am. The only thing I’ll ever be thankful to her for is Hoyt, for which I’m very grateful, but that doesn’t mean she can bad mouth me in the pages of this paper!

Sanguinely Yours,

Jessica Hamby, Vampire

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)