Bon Temps Tattler: Wedding Announcements Pelt-Coot

July 22, 2010 by  

Confessions of a Biker Bride” by Debbie P.

Guess what, Ya’ll?? I’m gettin’ hitched to Coot– the baddest, strongest, meanest biker in town. Ain’t ya jealous?? I know summa ya’ll heard that I was gonna marry that Alcide Herveaux, but that ain’t true no more. He and I just don’t see eye to eye on things and he ain’t the kinda man I want, BUT that don’t mean that ya’ll sleazy skanks can have him neither cuz you might think that you’re woman enough for him, but ya ain’t. It’s gonna take him a LONG TIME to get over the likes of me so BACK THE FREAK OFF BITCHES….especially you, Sookie Stackhouse! Stick to what you know best….datin’ dead things. But wait, your dead thing don’t want you no more, does he? Hmm, pity….NOT!

Anyways, back to me and Coot. Yup, we’re gettin’ married soon and it ain’t gonna be no traditional type weddin’ neither. That’s one thing I ain’t gonna miss about marryin’ Alcide. He wanted the big ole church weddin’ with me in a fru-fru white dress and a guest list a mile long. That just ain’t me, not now anyways. Me and Coot‘s weddin’s gonna be so cool…Lots a bikes roarin’ and beer flowin’ and meat sizzlin’ on the fire. None of that champagne toast crap for us. We’re gonna be real. We’re gonna make it all ours….despite what my Momma might think.

Speakin’ of Momma, she’s been houndin’ me to get all registered for gifts and such. I keep tryin’ ta tell her that we don’t want any of that crap from department stores. What do I need fancy dishes and crystal glasses for, huh? I am never gonna use them that’s for sure…and I don’t plan on holdin’ any fancy dinners neither. The kind of people we hang with drink straight from the beer can and eat off paper plates. I guess I can look at the Wal-Mart and see what they got for kitchen stuff. They got nice things and if sumthin’ breaks, it can be replaced real easy. One thing we do want to get are matchin’ tattoos, so ya’ll can get us gift certificates for Joe-Bob’s Tats. Also, anythin’ from the Harley Davidson Store would be cool as hell! Of course, the best gift is cold, hard cash and plenty of it!

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Bon Temps Tattler and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc, Gallery)
  • Whatever Ms. Pelt! Congrats on the fairly obvious white trash wedding you seem to be fixin’ for. Don’t worry, since you’ve registered at Kmart, I’ve gotten you and your grubby hubby some Lovely Martha Stewart Living bedsheets. Aww, yes Debbie! Nothing says coming up in the world like Martha. Now that we’ve gotten that out of the way, don’t concern yourself about your ex hotty, Alcide. I’ll take REEALLLLLL good care of hin. Rest assured, you can count on me!!! Now go back to picking what flavored moonshine you want served for your reception at the Piggley Wiggley. Might I suggest Peach/Watermelon…

  • David

    Billy Bob here…I got a perfect gift for ya baby right here in my pants. How bout a little private dance back at my barn. It’ll be like old times. Lord knows a little roll in the hay will do you right fine Debbie. Coot ain’t got nuthin’ on me baby and you know I know what you like ::winks::

    • B. Kent

      (As Debbie) Billy Bob, gettin’ all hot and bothered in yer Daddy’s hayloft might a’ been my idea of a good time when we was kids, but now, Coot’s got ev’rythin’ I need ta satisfy me more than you ever will so go bark up someone else’s tree. Don’t get me wrong, we had us some good times, especially that one time when we was almost caught in the cloak room at church. I still get a fit of the giggles when I drive by that church, but that time is gone. I ain’t the girl you once knew, Billy Bob….My life is effin’ amazin’ and all thanks to the Vam…I mean, all thanks ta Coot, I’m gonna stay this way for a looooong ass time!

  • Lily of the valley

    Ms. Pelt ~ I’d like to find out if you enjoy the drab green or the mellow yellow of the fine plastic known as ‘Tupperware’. I’m sure you dont get around to cooking too much, but surely Coot likes ribs and such. You need to keep them in something airtight, dontcha?

    • B. Kent

      (As Debbie) Whatchu tryin’ ta Lily, that I don’t take care a’ my man?? Cuz I do…In ALL WAYS!!! I cook the best fallin’ off the bone ribs you’ve ever tasted in your life! I’m sure them Tupperware containers would do me just fine, thank you very much, especially on them nights when we…uh….eat out and don’t get to the left overs for a couple a’ days.

      • B. Kent

        Tryin’ ta say** (misprint)

  • Michelle

    Motorcycles, beer and sizzling beef — you would give David Tutera a full on heart attack. Well are y’all registered, at WalMart? I will for sure get you a gift card! Congrats!

    • B. Kent

      (As Debbie) Oh, that dude from the TV?? He ain’t payin’ for nuthin so he can stick his ideas of the perfect weddin’ and shove them where the sun don’t shine! We ain’t registered jus’ yet, but I’ll get around to it. I’ve been….distracted lately, but go on ahead and buy that there gift card, Michelle. That’d be a reeeeeal nice gift!