Bungled Bunny

December 5, 2010 by  

Sookie, you don’t have to do anything. Honestly, Carrie-Ann just moved here.”

Sam Merlotte, I am ashamed of you! We may not be a big town but we sure as heck know what southern hospitality is. Gran taught me better than that and you know it!”

Sookie was miffed at Sam. She expected more from him, a lot more. Carrie-Ann was a new waitress at Merlotte’s. She had moved from Kentucky because her soon-to-be husband was gonna be working a construction project on the outskirts of town. She’d been waitressing for a little over 6 weeks now, and at Merlotte’s that qualified you for a medal! Sookie was trying to plan her bachelorette party, but unfortunately, although Gran had taught her a great many things, the art of planning a bachelorette party was not one of those things.

Sookie was deep in thought when Bill walked in.

“What’s wrong Sookie?” Bill asked slightly alarmed, as concern crossed his face.

As always, the silence that accompanied Bill’s presence was a welcome relief.

“Well, I told our new waitress, Carrie-Ann, that I would plan a bachelorette party for her and I don’t have the foggiest idea what the heck I’m doing!”

Bill ducked his head, obviously attempting to hide a smile.

“Sookie, I will have to check my southern charms manual again, but I don’t remember seeing anything about bachelorette parties. I will be happy to assist you but I’m afraid my own skills are somewhat lacking.”

Sookie sighed. “Oh, I know. Thanks anyway.”

“I stopped by to ask if you would mind accompanying me to see Eric tomorrow. He has yet another favor to ask of us…and by us I mean you.”

Sookie looked up at him. She really didn’t want to do Eric Northman anymore favors, but it was a price she paid. As soon as that thought left her head, she had an epiphany.

“Bill! Eric! He must know all about parties and planning! Yes, I will go with you tomorrow. Come by here just after sunset.”

Sookie walked off happier than she had been all day. Bill frowned as he turned to leave Merlotte’s. He hated how excited she was. He knew in his head that it wasn’t really due to seeing Eric, she was just hopeful that he might be able to help her, but still, to him, excited was excited. Bill was afraid that if Eric sensed her need for his assistance, he might be able to talk her into more than was good for her. Sighing, Bill left the bar and headed home.

The next evening just after sunset, Sookie and Bill pulled up outside Fangtasia. Pam was working the door, looking appropriately stunning and scary all at the same time.

“Well, well, well! We haven’t had the pleasure of your company for a while. What brings you to our humble establishment?” Pam looked from Sookie to Bill with that certain look; one could never tell what her intentions were.
Bill answered, “Pam, we were summoned by Eric. But of course, you already knew that.”

“Yes, well, he didn’t exactly tell me what he wanted with you.” Dismissing Bill, she turned her attention to Sookie, “And how are you this evening?”

“Oh, I’m great, Pam. And hey, when we get done can I talk to you for a second? I have something I’m planning and I need your help.”

“Ooo, I’m enthralled,” Pam said with her usual charming sarcasm.

Bill and Sookie entered the bar and headed back to Eric’s office. The door was cracked and Eric was sitting at his desk. As usual, Sookie was struck by his presence. He seemed to fill the room with his authority. He looked up as the two entered.

“Bill, thanks for coming. Although I would have preferred it two days ago,” he said, with a hint of warning in his tone.

“Eric, remember I’m not the only one here and Sookie has priorities. She doesn’t have to jump at your beck and call.”

“She doesn’t. But you do,” Eric said menacingly. The two glowered at each other a second longer before Sookie jumped in.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, Eric! Bill said you needed my help or a favor or something. So what is it?”

Eric stood up and walked around the desk.

“Well as I said, if you had been here two days ago, I would have needed you to listen in on someone. However, let’s just say, there is no longer a need for those particular services.”

Sookie was about to lose her temper when she remembered she needed a favor as well. Covering her anger quickly, she plastered on her brightest smile.

“Oh well. No harm taking a trip over here. It has been quite a while since I’ve seen you.”

Eric crossed his arms over his chest and grinned, which in Eric terms meant that something of great hilarity had just struck him.

“I take it you need something from me?”

“Why would you say that?” Sookie asked as innocently as she could.

“Because you suck at sucking up. Take it from someone who sucks for a living.”

Sookie laughed slightly. Sometimes it bothered her that Eric seemed to be able to read her so easily.

“Well, I’m supposed to be planning a bachelorette party for someone and I have no idea how to do it. I was hoping that you might be able to help me?”

“And why should I know about such things?”

“Well, I just figured since you owned a bar, you might have some idea about parties.”

Eric thought for a second. He knew nothing about what she was asking, however, having Sookie indebted to him would always be of benefit. Surely, this was something he could have Pam take care of.

Eric seemed to be thinking it over and Sookie was hopeful. She had almost forgotten Bill standing there with her. She looked up at him and smiled, he returned it with a weak smile of his own.

“Yes, I will help you. When is the event supposed to take place?”

“On Saturday. We were planning to do it up at Merlotte’s after the bar closed.”

“Fine, I will see what we can come up with. Will that work?”

Sookie was actually surprised he asked her, “Yeah of course that will work. Thanks Eric.”

“Good. Pam,” Eric called into the hallway, “Come in here for a second.”

Pam sauntered into the office in her usual bored fashion.

“Sookie has asked me for a favor and I will need your assistance.”

Pam looked from Eric to Sookie and seemed about to protest but clamped her mouth shut and gave a barely perceptible nod as a knowing look passed between the two.

“Sookie, one of us will be in touch in a day or two.”

“Great! Thanks…ah, to both of you.” Sookie said with a nervous glance in Pam’s direction.

Bill and Sookie said their goodbyes and headed back to Bon Temps.

Over the next few days Sookie heard from Eric, perhaps a little more than she needed, but she wouldn’t complain since he was saving her bacon on this one. He’d assured her that Pam would be over the evening of the party and had the entertainment covered. Sookie’s face flamed as she recalled what he said just before hanging up. The nerve of that vamp! Of course, she wouldn’t be repeating that part of their conversation to anyone.

Friday evening arrived. Sookie and Arlene were decorating the bar with the decorations that Eric had sent over.

“Wow, Sookie! You really went all out on this stuff. It looks amazing!” Arlene said.

“Yeah, I know! Pam and Eric really helped me out on this one.” Sookie was thrilled with the decorations; everything was so very bright and sparkly. It looked like someone had thrown diamonds all over Merlotte’s. Sookie could only imagine that this might be what a Fairy land would resemble.

Jessica walked into the bar looking happier than Sookie had seen her in a long time. Arlene looked her way but kept her mouth shut and kept hanging decorations.

“I’m so excited, Sookie! I never got to go to any kind of wedding shower and I certainly never went to a bachelorette party. Maybe I can get some ideas if anything ever happens with me and Hoyt,” she said as she looked at the bar dreamily.

“Well, make sure and ask Eric, he is the one who helped me out. Pam too, she’s also coming by to give us a hand at the party.”

“Pam! Really? Wow, I can only imagine what she will come up with!”

“Hey!” said Arlene from atop the ladder where she was hanging some more lights. “What are we doing for entertainment?”

“Eric said Pam will take care of it. She left me a message that she had everything taken care of but she was really secretive about it. She sounded like she actually wanted to make it a surprise!” Sookie had to admit that she wasn’t too sure about that part because Pam was really not one to cater to humans, to say the very least.

The ladies finished decorating the back area of the bar. Merlotte’s would be open tomorrow but not the back area. It was reserved for the party.

Everyone headed home with calls of see you tomorrow.

The day of the party arrived. Sookie got off work early and went home to change. She headed back up to Merlotte’s later in the day to finish up and get everything ready. Arlene was already there helping Lafayette get the food together. Terry was helping Sam stock the bar so the ladies wouldn’t want for anything. The boys took off just as Jessica arrived, and the guests started filing in not long after that. Pam had yet to show up and Sookie began to worry.

“Sookie! You totally outdid yourself! I don’t even know what to say,” Carrie-Ann gushed. She was staring at the sparkling room in awe. There was a small table that was now covered with presents. Everyone was enjoying the food and drinks, the wine was flowing freely. Jessica had a True Blood and Carrie-Ann seemed honored to have a vampire at her bachelorette party.

“Someone told me you had some vampires helping you plan this! I can’t wait to see what the entertainment will be.”

“Me neither,” Sookie muttered under her breath. At that moment there was a gasp at the same time the front door closed. Sookie turned to see everyone staring at the entrance.

“Oh my god!” someone muttered from the back.

There stood Pam pulling a ridiculously large fake cake and dressed head to toe in a stripper bunny costume.

Sookie hurried toward Pam, taking a second to acknowledge that she looked damn good decked out in her bunny gear.

“Pam! What in the world are you doing?” she asked in a hushed whisper.

“What does it look like I’m doing? The human Eric hired to perform canceled last night so I Googled what was required for a party like this. It seems ridiculously easy; I could do it in my sleep.”

Sookie’s mind raced. What was she going to tell her? She couldn’t believe that Pam was actually looking at her like SHE was the crazy one.

“Listen, Cupcake. Just point me to someplace to wait till it’s my time to perform.”

“Um, Pam, what exactly did you look up on the computer?”

Pam looked at Sookie like she was beyond dense. “Why, Bachelor party entertainment, of course. And believe me; I’m toning it down because there is no way I will be giving lap dances to the local yokels here tonight.”

Sookie began turning red on Pam’s behalf.

“Pam, this is a bachelorette party. Bachelor parties have female strippers or dancers. Bachelorette parties have male strippers or dancers.”

Realization slowly dawned on Pam’s face and she looked as if she were bound to the spot by thick silver chains. Pam was naturally pale but Sookie could swear she watched the last vestiges of blood drain from her beautiful face.

By this time the other ladies in the room were trying extremely hard not to laugh. Everyone turned and started to busy themselves with something ever-so interesting on the other side of the bar. Sookie was grateful that they were obviously giving Pam space to make a dignified exit. She was shoving at the large cake and muttering when the door behind it opened and the cake came to a sudden halt, refusing to budge an inch.

Pam fairly snarled, “You’ve got two seconds to move your puny ass before I move it for you.”

“As much as I relish the thought of you attempting to move my puny ass, I highly doubt that you would succeed.” Eric’s voice was unmistakable coming from behind the wall sized cake.

Pam let out a strangled groan as Eric pushed the cake to the side and stood there gape-mouthed, alongside Bill Compton.
The two vampires looked stunned and amazed, which for two vampires whose natural state ran between serious and brooding, was impressive indeed.

“Pam…” Eric began, but couldn’t finish as his eyes traveled down the length of Pam’s outfit and then back up.

Bill on the other hand, didn’t even attempt to hide his laughter at Pam’s discomfiture. He laughed so long and so hard that even matching glares from both Sookie and Eric couldn’t stop him. In fact, Eric’s attempted stoicism faltered in the face of Bill’s total and complete breakdown and they both leaned into one another as laughter shook their bodies. Sookie wasn’t sure they would ever stop and was struggling to keep her own laughter in check. She saw the look on Pam’s face and desperately wanted to try and help her.

“What are you two doing here? This is a girl’s party!” Sookie tried to sound authoritative, but failed due to the bubble of laughter that was slowly forcing its way up and out.

Bill was still laughing but was the first to compose himself enough to speak. “I came to give Jessica a message but it can wait.” Still shaking with laughter, he took one last look at Pam and headed for the door. Just before exiting the bar he pulled something from his pocket and turned, “Say Cheeeeese.” He quickly snapped a picture with his cell phone then dashed out the door. No trace of him, except his laughter echoing behind.

Before Eric could even say anything to Sookie or Pam, Pam rounded on him.

“Your entertainment canceled. I knew you wouldn’t want anything to ruin this for your little pet here,” she jabbed a finger in Sookie’s direction. “You know, you weren’t very clear in your instructions!”

“Honestly, Pam,” Eric struggled for a decent breath as he swiped at the bloody tears that kept seeping from the corners of his eyes. “For the first time in over a thousand years, you have rendered me speechless. I…am…at…a…loss.” Eric was still laughing so hard that Sookie could barely understand him. “I shall enjoy this treat for centuries!”

Without a single word Pam gathered herself up to her full, impressive height, tossed a deadly look towards Eric, then Sookie and then the party goers and walked out of Merlotte’s with her head held high.

Eric was still wiping bloody tears as he turned to follow Pam out the door.

“Excuse me!” a voice called from the back of the party.

Sookie and Eric turned to see Carrie-Ann walking forward.

“We seem to be short some entertainment. I don’t suppose YOU could fill in?”

“I’m flattered. However after what we’ve just witnessed, I’m afraid I’d be a disappointment.” he said, breaking into another fit of laughter as he left the bar.




Disclaimer “Bungled Bunny” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Reagan Grimes

Bachelorette Graphics Credit: http://www.realbollywood.com/news

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  • LOL…Good one.. Infact i thought its the real script from True Blood season 4 when I start reading it…But later realised that its a spoof 🙂