September 6, 2011
Check Out Bon Temps’ Most Fashionable Inhabitants:
The Fug Girls rated Louisiana’s craziest town not on the vampire to human ratio or the number of werewolves per pack, but on its fashion sense. Since Bon Temps didn’t do too hot, I guess it makes sense that while the whole town is fighting witches and being terrified of being eaten by vampires, fashion doesn’t seem to be at the top of the necessities list. As Lafayette would say, bitch please. Ten is the best score and one is the worst score.
Sookie Stackhouse: 5
A girl cannot live on tiny frocks and booty shorts alone. We suggest Sookie Netflix the middle seasons of Buffy to learn how to incorporate more vampire-friendly separates into her wardrobe. As if she didn’t have enough to do — being the possessor of magical blood, and the beloved of nearly every supernatural man-creature within thirty miles – Sookie also sometimes has to, gasp, wait tables.
Bill Compton: 6
We are amused by Bill going full Men’s Warehouse on us, but… seriously, dude? A pinky ring? Leave Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny where he belongs.
Eric Northman: 4
He has spent this entire season dressed like he’s frozen in time as a college student shuffling to the dorm showers. Pull it together, dude, or at least invest in a hoodie with sleeves.
Pam de Beaufort: 9
Pam is perhaps the only person in the Bon Temps area who cares what she’s wearing. And, as such, she’s never met a dubious trend she didn’t try to resurrect (a Juicy sweat suit? Really?), which we imagine is because a century of shopping gets pretty boring after a while. Hello, the woman managed to pull off a red sequined jumpsuit last seen on the set of Dynasty, and she actually cares when viscera lands on her shoes.
Jason Stackhouse: 7
Naked man-abs are awfully effective when it comes to the ladies, which is generally his driving concern in life. When he’s not looking totally CHiPs in his snug police uniform and aviators, Jason wears solely jeans and T-shirts. And sometimes not even the T-shirts. Nor the jeans. (We’re not complaining.)
Tara Thornton: 5
Like Sookie, Tara could benefit from mixing it up on occasion. Bonus points, though, for being smart enough to always wear something she can run in, given that she tends to get kidnapped or held hostage, like, a lot. In fact, we should’ve listed that as one of her hobbies.
Sam Merlotte: 6
We appreciate a man who can rock a good pair of jeans, and indeed, along with a plaid shirt, that is basically all Sam wears. Except for when he’s a dog, at which point his lumberjack couture is too constricting. We like Sam’s Regular Guy look, but points off for the fact that you just know his clothes are mega-funky, given how he’s always taking them off in the woods and leaving them in the dirt while he turns into some animal or another. At least invest in a gym bag or some potpourri sachets.
Alcide Herveaux: 10
We don’t know what he does when he’s not walking around shirtless, and nor do we care. His abs? Don’t mess with perfection.
Jessica Hamby: 7
Any sundress in a ten-mile radius not in Sookie’s closet must therefore be found in Jessica’s. Her girlish aesthetic is totally appropriate given that she’s the vampire equivalent of a college freshman. This current season has seen her get a little, er, nastier, and with that, we’ve seen Jessica’s wardrobe swing slightly sexier — but only slightly. Most of the time, she could still pop into a sorority meeting without anyone batting an eye.
Hoyt Fortenberry: 4
Well, right now he’s depressed, so it’s mostly boxers in front of the TV. The rest of the time, Hoyt looks like he tripped and fell into the Old Navy warehouse. Poor Hoyt. Someone’s going to need to take this boy out for the time-honored post-break-up makeover and spruce him up a little.
Lafayette Reynolds: 8
Lafayette never met a head scarf he didn’t embrace. He may also be the only man in Bon Temps who’s familiar with the concept of premium denim. Yes, Lafayette is a campy, over-the-top dresser, but at least he commits. And he never makes us sad, even when he’s incubating the soul of a dead woman who may or may not be a demon baby-stealer, which is no small feat.
Arlene Fowler: 3
Oh, honey. We know your son might be possessed by an evil spirit (or something?) but there’s no excuse for that hair. Call Miss Clairol and make an appointment to return to planet Earth.
Maxine Fortenberry: 2
Maxine depends completely on the power of a well-deployed muumuu. In the absence of a muumuu, a housecoat is acceptable. Often accessorized by hair curlers. If it’s true that you only look as good as you feel, then Mrs. Fortenberry must feel terrible.
Source: Vulture – The Fug Girls Rate the True Blood Characters’ Fashion Sense
(Photo: Art Streiber/HBO)
October 19, 2010
“Maybe I Wear Too Much Pink…”
Well hello again, dear readers. It has recently come to my attention that it has been a while since I’ve updated this column. Almost a year, in fact. I’m not going to get into it, but let’s just say I’ve been a busy girl. I am not one to leave the fashion-forward in the dust, but make no mistake – I have priorities. Moving on, this week I’ve decided to enlighten you all with a few tips about wearing the color pink. I’m sure you’ve noticed that pink is a color that I prefer regardless of its reputation for being favored by school girls and “soccer moms” over 40. I make pink look good, and with my help you will too.
As you can see, I’ve done you the favor of putting together some outfits for your viewing pleasure. Let’s start with the floral print. Now, big floral prints are very easy to do very wrong. You could end up looking like a color-confused mess, or worse – Godric forbid, a grandmother. The key is to pair a floral print with a solid. More than one printed piece in an outfit is a recipe for disaster. As you see below, I’ve gone a step further and paired this pink floral corset dress with a solid black Alexander McQueen leather jacket. The black leather against the otherwise innocent pale pink dress gives this ensemble an unexpected “bad girl” vibe. Honestly, the “bad girl” look isn’t hard to get at all, it’s not looking trashy that’s the hard part. Also, mastering the attitude, but that is a lesson for another time. The Fendi cut-out pumps emphasize the jacket, while the Christian Louboutin ruffled clutch plays to the feminine aspect. It is okay to play with color, ladies. Not all of your accessories need to be the same color, as they are below, but there should be some kind of thought that goes into them. When in doubt, pair with neutrals.
Pink is one of those very flexible colors. There is a shade of pink for everyone, no matter what your coloring. I happen to be endowed with the right coloring for a variety of shades of pink, which is one of the reasons why I adore it. It is versatile in more than just shades; pink is a color that is acceptable on any occasion. Below, I’ve put together an outfit that I would consider “everyday” wear, or “every night” as it were. As you know, I am all for vamping up my wardrobe while at work. I’m not above participating in the Fangtasia dress code, but I am not always there. I occasionally have business which does not involve your favorite vampire bar, and I like to dress appropriately. If you’re not ready for all-over pink, and let’s face it – so few are, try mix and matching like I’ve done below with this Phase Eight cashmere bow cardigan. Paired with a dark denim, like these Dolce & Gabbana jeans, the bold pink is toned down yet still noticeable. Nude pumps are leg-lengthening and best of all, they look expensive. The accessories all have something in common, in this case, the color black. The Marc Jacobs bag is elegant, yet casual. The jewelry ties (literally, ha) the outfit together and moves both the pink and black colors around.
Getting ready for a night on the town? Excellent! Nothing gets my fangs out quite like a good reason to play dress up. Like I said earlier, it’s okay to play with color, ladies. As you’ll see below, navy blue sets off hot pink nicely and it’s not an overdone combination. While I do enjoy accessorizing, if elegant is what you’re going for it’s better to keep your outfit on the minimalist side. This Temperley London, Thandie minidress is complemented by navy Fendi cut-out, platform pumps and a navy Eaton clutch purse wallet. It is not necessary to match your shoes to your bag, anyone who says it’s necessary is either trying to sell you a matching bag and shoe set or is tragically living in the past. You can see below that while bag and shoes are shades of navy blue, I have varied the leather finish from suede on the shoes to a faux alligator finish on the clutch. A pair of fancy earrings like the Alexander McQueen pair below, will add that “pizazz” to your ensemble and catch the light, drawing attention to your face.
So there you have it, some tips on wearing pink direct from the master. I have done my community service for the week. I am charging you all now to spread the knowledge you’ve just gained to others who are less fashion-savvy than yourselves. However, if you are going to insist on mixing prints or overworking that tired pink and brown color combo, you can refrain from telling people that you read my column.
Until next time,
The ensembles that you see pictured were created using the fabulous
Disclaimer: This column is provided for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect any actual criticism of the costumes worn on True Blood. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Fangtastic Fashions and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said series nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.
Written By: Jenn Marshall
Photos Courtesy: Jenn Marshall
May 8, 2010
Thumbing through a fashion magazine while sitting in Dr. Ludwig’s office waiting to get her annual Hepatitis D vaccination, Pam sighs with disgust as she tosses the issue back on the table. “Human’s they haven’t the first clue of what a real fashion icon is.” Rolling her eyes. “Miley Cyrus please.”
After recently reading filth of this nature, I find it imperative I continue to give my two cents in this publication on fashion. It seems obvious no real fashion expert will step up to the plate; so, obviously moi must do it.
If I were going to personify a fashion icon it would not be one of today’s pop stars, Betty Ford Clinic lifetime celebrity members or reality television show winners. Do any of you human’s know what a real fashion icon even is? No Cyndi Lauper is not the correct answer. Fashion is about more than just style, it is about personality, style, charisma and attitude. If you are not confident in what you wear or how you wear it, it doesn’t matter if it is Givenchy straight off the Milan runway. First you need to slip on your confidence before you ever take a thing off the hanger.
Greta Garbo the notoriously private Swedish born actress whom never attended social gatherings, gave interviews and was extremely reclusive, rather known for her style on-screen and off. Greta would be one of my picks for a real fashion icon. This lady knew how to take simple pieces, use what she was given and work it. This ladies is exactly what I have been trying to get across to you.
Greta had a style of her own often adorning hats such as fedoras, berets and cloche hats. Essential pieces Greta often wore were tailored silk shirts, trench coats, wide leg trousers, dresses which accented the waist, scarfs, thin belts and lots and lots of shoes! Greta would often order up hundreds of pairs of shoes at one time! A woman after my own heart. Topping these items off with a lovely set of long strand pearls. A few of Greta’s clothes consisted of men’s clothing; so ladies feel free to steal that white Armani button down of your man’s closet. A bit of advice, tell him his shirt is at the cleaners, this always works on Eric. This human, Greta… or so you all assume *wink* knew how to work an ensemble to make a real appearance! Even today her name is still a legend hand in hand with fashion, after all Madonna even sang about her. Bravo Greta!
I bid you all adieu until next time when there is another fashion crisis, which looking around, should not be long. TaTa!
PHOTO SOURCE: www.polyvore.com / www.atavism.radnauseam.com
April 8, 2010
Okay readers, it’s time to pick your jaws up off the floor about the fact that I would take the time and help you all with your obvious fashion crisis. Before you read any further, let’s get something straight — I am not doing this for you. I was “offered” the latest line of Stuart Weitzman pumps for my wisdom and expertise. So don’t let it go to your heads and start thinking I really care that the fashion police may come knocking at your door because … I don’t. I just want those pumps.
First of all, the way most of you dress out here is a disgrace even to your kind. You really need to go on the Internet and check out what people in the real world are wearing and keep up with the times. Occasionally, I have to admit, a fangbanger may have the right idea. But that doesn’t happen very often.
Let’s begin with a few fashion faux pas. Leggings paired with t-shirts are a fashion felony. The 80s are over and anyone who steps outside of their home wearing this in 2010 should be drained and their corpse discarded in a mass unmarked grave.
If you are over the age of 10, baby doll dresses are out. They should never even be sold in an adult size and just because they are, does not mean you should purchase one. If you are not out hunting weres, there is NEVER an excuse for a woman to wear camouflage! It must be the most unbecoming print ever designed and why any human cares to wear this baffles me.
Another atrocity are those nerf-type shoes you humans call Crocs. You truly deserve to have a crocodile eat your feet off if you slide your feet into a pair. How can you dare be seen in public wearing such shoes? Maddening!
If we take a look at history, your human actress Audrey Hepburn was a real fashion winner. Audrey dressed with class, style, sophistication, and good taste. Somewhere across the line, the majority of you humans have derailed and prefer to dress like Mary Kate and Ashley Olsen because of some new fad. Let me tell you, fads come and go but true fashion is here to stay. You will never see a black Chanel cocktail dress go out of style, but see how many wears you get out of your tie-dyed, over-sized t-shirt dress.
There are a few essentials every woman should have in her closet to build a suitable wardrobe. First, I must advise all of you humans to please burn everything you have already and start from scratch. Let’s begin with a simple black dress, which can be taken from day to evening. Pair this dress with beautiful designer pumps and you are ready for an evening party. Add a tailored blazer and simple pumps and you have a flawless daytime suit.
Next is a classic, but designer white button down blouse, which can be paired with trousers, skirts or even the denim you humans are so fond of. Speaking of denim, since you humans are so attached to this fabric, I suppose it is essential to have one good pair of denim jeans, without holes! This can complete your casual attire but please go for a good label and a pair of jeans which suit your body type. And never purchase a pair two sizes too small.
A good pair of neutral trousers are an import asset. You never know when your boss may have you trek through the swamp looking for a maenad.
Other pieces I advise you must add are a simple white tee, a twin set and a sensible pair of black pumps. These pieces will help you build a solid foundation toward a proper style.
I hope you humans will take my advice and spread the word among your kind. I look forward to the day when you each learn to dress as well as I, but I do not believe even I will live that long. Feel free to leave your fashion questions in the comments below! Well, I’m off to collect my Stuart Weitzman pumps. Tata dahlings!
(Header Credit: K. S. Rose)
Hepburn White Blouse: http://www.classicphotos.com/celebs/ll.html
Stuart Weitzman pumps http://stuartweitzman.zappos.com/n/p/p/7591172/c/47936.html
November 23, 2009
Now welcome back, all you clever little humans! Clearly you’re clever enough to realize the value of my advice – I mean, some people would kill for this opportunity! Indeed, some already have.. But anyway! What shall we discuss this week, I hear you clamoring! I feel that the issue of evening dress must be addressed, if you’ll excuse the pun.. which you will.
Working at Fangtasia is amusing to me, not only because I see all you funny little humans in such thrall to us – like little pets! – but for some of the simply hideous articles that you deem acceptable to own, much less wear in public!! I mean, I see these ‘fangbangers‘, in their leather and chains, which I can excuse… I have many similar items myself, for work-obviously, and I find it flattering that you all attempt to emulate me, even while knowing that you’ll never have the style or panache that I do. I must admit however, that a small, almost minuscule part of me admires your attempt. You must simply realize that leather is not forgiving to many figures, and it takes a certain style to pull it off.
I would like to turn my attention to the residents of Shreveport and Bon Temps who choose to avoid the fangbanger style, and select their own, unique fashion path. Although, in all truth, I shudder to call it ‘fashion’! Fashion to me is classic, elegant, and bold. What is the point of going out at night if you aren’t making the absolute best of yourself? But what do I see from the males – blue denim jeans, with big belt buckles, and t-shirts! Disgraceful! Where is the class? Honestly, some of these men wear the same clothes at night that they would wear to work on road crews, and let me assure you, you do not put on evening wear to sweat! Something I DO wish Eric would keep in mind.
And the women… where to begin? At least the majority of female locals make some attempt to dress up, although denim skirts are not suitable evening wear, especially when they are so short you should be nervous in case you drop your purse! Take Sookie‘s little friend, Tara, for example. In her day-to-day clothes choices, denim (ugh!) and plain vest tops figure highly, but she did make an attempt to dress up for that engagement party that was held, for the redhead waitress: Arlene somebody. Well, she put on a dress, but I can’t say I think very highly of red satin, cut so short. When I was human, we had words for women who wore red! Still, I have to appreciate that she tried, I suppose. And she does have a pleasing figure, but she makes so little effort with it, it’s a shame. Although, as cheap and nasty as her red dress appeared, it was incrementally better than a lot of the other, frankly unattractive females. Ladies DO NOT wear pants as evening wear. That is a simple, but useful rule.
Below are some vamp(ire) friends of mine who like, for some unknowable reason, to dress up as Fangbangers. As you can see, they have followed all my little fashion rules and look stunning!
But what are your thoughts, my readers? Am I too harsh about your kind, or do you think I’m entirely correct?! Pray tell..
To see past columns, when there are any, please check out the archives!
Disclaimer: This column is provided for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect any actual criticism of the costumes worn on True Blood. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Fangtastic Fashions and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.
November 6, 2009
Hello to all you droll humans, and welcome to my new little column here on TrueBloodNet.com! I’m Pam, and I’m going to help you with all your fashion queries and problems you may be having – and they are huge judging from what I see walk through the door at Fangtasia! I have fantastic taste, even if I do have to say so myself! Being surrounded by men, and well, poor little Ginger who refuses to take my fashion tips is so frustrating! Men so rarely understand the fine points of fashion and especially not 1000 year old Vikings! Why just last week Eric had brown socks on with his black pants! ::Shudders:: Luckily for him, he does recognize my expertise and usually listens to my suggestions. I picked out that stunning little number he wore to visit the Queen, a real winner wasn’t it?
If any of you humans have visited Fangtasia, you’ll be familiar with me… I’m the drop dead gorgeous blond who’s dressed to the nines that decides if you tastey enough to come in and party!… or not…. and if you’ve visited, you’re now in my vault.. along with whatever foolish human fashion choices you’ve made. Oh yes, I mean you Betty Sue Fortenberry and your too tight plaid cotton hip huggers and horizontal stripped shortie tee with your hips bulging out over the sides. It takes all sizes to make up the world but you need to dress for success not the circus!
I’ve decided to start this column to discuss the fashion that I see, in Shreveport and in Bon Temps and let everyone know what the rage in Europe is where I go to do all my shopping!
Obviously, if you’ve seen me at work you’ve seen my work clothes. They’re very different from my everyday wear, but Eric says we have to dress up – it attracts the tourists, just like you!
Now, this little note is just to say hello and let everyone know what’s coming up… I’m happy to answer all your fashion questions and comments, and I’ll discuss the fashion tastes of my friends and acquaintances.. Eric, Bill, Sookie… and anyone else that grabs my fancy.
In fact, speaking of Sookie, she is one succulent little morsel that I would love to have for a makeover! In particular, her work uniform is just awful! Obviously we all have to dress for work, but at least Eric doesn’t make me wear a tacky little tshirt with ‘Fangtasia’ splashed over it… Perish the thought! I think I’d rather die again than be forced into something so low class! And don’t even get me started on the shorts and ‘sneakers’ that she wears… I mean, I’m on my feet all night, and there’s nothing I love better than a gorgeous pair of pumps just like the lovely ones shown at the top of the column which I ruined chasing after that menaed! They were made by Betsey Johnson and are called ‘Risky’, a lovely name to go with an even more delicious d’Orsay Pump. With the creativity and streak of cruelty needed to make these wonderful shoes you just know she’s one of us, don’t you? And even you little people can buy them for a mere $120 and I don’t want to hear any whining either about the pain of wearing them OR paying for them. After all, dear humans… Like all worthwhile things, Beauty is Pain!!
So start writing your questions and comments and send them in.. I don’t like be be kept waiting…
To see past columns, when there are any, please check out the archives!
Disclaimer: This column is provided for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect any actual criticism of the costumes worn on True Blood. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Fangtastic Fashions and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.