True Blood Contest: Enter to Win True Blood Season 3 Prize Pack

June 16, 2011

Ok True Blood Fans it’s count down for True Blood Season Four airing Sunday, June 26, only a few days to go! TrueBloodNet.com will be running several contests weekly where you can have a chance to win TruBlood Drinks, Gift Cards, True Blood Season 1, 2 & 3 DVD Sets, Soundtracks, T-Shirts, Posters, General True Blood Fan Gear, Sookie Stackhouse Book Sets and much more!
Also check out our 2011 True Blood Countdown Twitter contests from June 15-26!
The next giveaway is for Three True Blood Season 3 DVD Sets
Current Contest:
Hosted by: TrueBloodNet.com
Starts on : June 16 12:00 AM
Ends on : June 26 11:59 PM PST
Winners: (3)
Prize: True Blood Season 3 Prize Pack

True Blood Season 3 Prize Pack

Prize Details: 3 Winners
(1) True Blood Season 3 DVD Set
(1) True Blood Season 3 Cast Poster
Restrictions: Open to residents of: U.S Residents. Only one entry per email address. Only one entry per IP address. Contest Rules
How to Enter:

Update 6/27/11- Winner Selection in Progress

We will select the best answer!
If you haven’t already signed up to our weekly newsletter what are you waiting for? All newsletter subscribers are eligible for random drawings. Weekly prizes will vary from the list provide below.
  • True Blood Drinks
  • True Blood Season 2 ,3 & 4 Posters,
  • True Blood Season 1, 2 & 3 DVD sets
  • True Blood Music Soundtracks
  • HBO Store Gift Cards
  • Sookie Stackhouse Box Sets
  • True Blood T-Shirts
  • True Blood Bottle Openers
  • Merlotte’s Key Chains
  • and General True Blood Fan Gear

TBN Prizes

You must confirm and be certain we have your permission before we begin to send the Weekly Newsletter. Please note you can opt-out at any time and we do respect your privacy, email addresses will not be displayed or rented. It’s solely for the purposes of our newsletter.

Use the form below to sign up!

 

Contest Winners 2011
Could Be You!
Previous Contest & Winners 2010
5-17-2010: W. Trout (Lakeland, FL) – Sookie Stackhouse Books 1-7 Box Set
5-22-2010: J. Ingram (Boise, ID) – True Blood Complete First Season DVD Set
5-31-2010:R. Klinger (Tahlequah, OK) – True Blood: The Complete Second Season
6-7-2010: J. Pinkasavage – True Blood Season 2 Soundtrack

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Truebloodnet.com Twitter Contests:Countdown to True Blood Season 4

June 16, 2011

TrueBloodNet.com’s Countdown to True Blood

It’s TrueBloodNet.com’s Countdown to True Blood Twitter contests! Our twitter account, @truebloodnet, will run a series of contests as we count down the days left until True Blood Season 4. For the next 10 days, we will post several contests; one every few days as we count down to the first episode of True Blood Season 4. Each contest will be for a prize where one winner with the best answer will be chosen. However, on one random contest question between June 15-26, we will choose 10 winners for that daily contest! Good luck to everyone!

Current Twitter Contest:
Enter: June 15 – June 26 11:59 PM PST
Winners: (10-25)
Prize: Various Prizes


 

How to Enter:

– Each day or two, there will be a new contest question posted to Twitwall/Truebloodnet daily from June 15- June 26.
– TrueBloodNet.com will tweet the link to each new contest question posted to the Twitwall every 1-2 days.
– You must enter your answer(s) in the comments area on the @truebloodnet Twitwall.

We’re looking for the funniest, wittiest answers out there from the True Blood Fans!

Rules:

-You must add #trueblood to the end of your answer for your entry to be eligible.
-You must be following @truebloodnet for your entry to be eligible. This is also required so we can send you a DM if you’re chosen as the winner.
-You may enter multiple times daily, but different answers please.
-Keep your answers honest, yet funny and respectable.
-If we choose your answer, we’ll tweet your response and send you a Direct Message to claim your prize. Please respond within 24 hours.
For all Twitter contests sponsored by TrueBloodNet.com, the winner will be randomly selected by Tweetswin.com.
Restrictions: All Twitter Contests are open to all participants. International Mailing Addresses
Contest Rules

2011 Winners
6-15-2011 thru 6-26-2011: Could Be You!

Previous Contest & 2010 Winners
4-30-2010: S. Twaddle (Puyallup, WA) – True Blood Season 2 Mini Poster – http://tweetsw.in/272/
5-7-2010: J. Pons (Spain) – Dead Until Dark Book 1 – http://tweetsw.in/285/
5-14-2010: G. Elems (Reno, NV) – True Blood Eric/Bill Key Ring – http://tweetsw.in/301/
5-21-2010: S. Kentner (Poplar Bluff, MO) – True Blood Season 2 Cast Mouse Pad Mat – http://tweetsw.in/306/
5-28-2010: C. Vez (Switzerland) – True Blood Season 2 Cast Mouse Pad Mat – http://tweetsw.in/316/
6-1-2010 thru 6-13-2010: Over 55 Winners too many to list!

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True Blood Contest: Enter to Win the Tru Blood Beverage

June 7, 2011

Ok True Blood Fans it’s count down for True Blood Season 4 airing Sunday, June 26th, less than 3 more weeks to go! TrueBloodNet.com will be running several contests weekly where you will have a chance to win tons of prizes such as  TruBlood Drinks, True Blood Season 1 -3 DVD Sets, Soundtracks, T-Shirts, Posters, General True Blood Fan Gear, Sookie Stackhouse Book Sets and much more!

Be on the look out for TrueBloodNet.com’s 2nd Annual Count Down to True Blood Twitter contests!

For the  first giveaway, we have partnered with the makers of the TruBlood beverage, FMCG Manufacturing to give 3 lucky winners a chance to win a Tru Blood drink package just in time for the True Blood Season 4 premiere. True Blood Party anyone?

Already tried the TruBlood Beverage? Let FMCG Manufacturing know by sending a tweet @FMCGmfg or go to their Facebook page at FMCG-Manufacturing.

Current Contest:
Sponsored by: FMCG Manufacturing
Starts on : June 7th 12:00 AM
Ends on : June 14th 11:59 PM
Winners: (3)

Prize Details:

1st Prize: (1) Tru Blood Beverage - 24 Pack (Classic Glass Bottles) $96 Value
2nd Prize: (1) Tru Blood Plastic Bottle Beverage – 24 Pack $50 Value
3rd Prize: (1) Tru Blood Beverage - 4 Pack (Classic Glass Bottles) $16 Value AND Tru Blood Plastic Bottle Beverage – 6 Pack $16 Value

Restrictions: This giveaway is open to U.S. residents only. Only one entry per U.S. address. No duplicate entries please. Contest Rules

How to Enter: Complete the following form below.
Update Contest closed. Members will be announced shortly.

We will select the best answer! If yours is the winning submission you’ll win this fangtabulous prize package! Keep in mind winners must contact us no later than June 15th by 5:00 PM Est with your mailing address to be shipped in time for the True Blood Season 4 premiere.  Each winner will have 48 hours to claim their prize.

Remember you can purchase the Tru Blood beverage from the following:

US:
Amazon
HBO Shop US

Photo Credit (HBO)

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Ask Dr. L — Putting the V in Evil

May 12, 2011

Ask Dr. L

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 21, 2011

Hey Doc!

I’ve got a question y’all might be able to answer. I heard if you combine V with Tequila and True Blood after 3 days in a sweat lodge, ya kin see God. Is this true? Does the phase of the moon matter? Does where you do it matter? Like are there holy places which are more suitable?

Sign Me,
Sweatin’ It

Dear Sweaty,

I would really love to know who wrote this question for you. You obviously can’t read, therefore can’t write, either. Do you wonder how I know you can’t read? Because you obviously have never read my column, or you would know I NEVER advocate using V for anything other than medical and healing purposes!!! The nerve!

But I might suggest you go into your sweat lodge, mix some tequila with True Blood (minus the V), and drink this potion while sweating. You might see God…or Jerry Garcia.

Now leave me alone!

Hey Doctor L,

I’m pregnant with my 3rd child only… only the father is a serial killer what was living with me and my babies for months! Needless to say, he was put down like the dog he was… but now, I keep having horrible dreams. I jes know this child is EVIL, you know what I mean? I even tried to abort it myself in the woods with a witch but it didn’t work, I mean, I bled out, but the baby was just fine. This can’t be a good sign.. can it?
A for Anguished

Dear Anguished,
Before I answer your question, I have one of my own, to you. Why on earth do women stay with evil men, once they see their true natures? You say he was living with you and your babies. Why not kick his sorry butt out? And if it were me, if I were in fear of him (which in my case is highly unlikely), I’d kill him in his sleep, and tell God he died.
Anyhow, you’re right, if a witch in the woods can’t rid you of this child, nothing can. You’re stuck carrying and giving birth to another monster. Now, if you’d come to see me in my office, I could certainly have helped you, at least with the tests to prove whether or not the baby is, indeed, evil. But you brought in a witch, so my hands are now tied. They carry some ugly energy that even I don’t want to tangle with.
Sorry. Have a nice day.

 

Howdy,

I would never take V but there’s talk that mixing it in with a cucumber and cocoa butter face mask for eight hours at night will eliminate all these darn wrinkles and cure your acne too. Is there any factual basis for this? I swear my girlfriend Darla has been splashin’ the V for a few weeks now and she IS looking better. Have you heard of any studies about this sort of thing. I mean, it’s expensive I know but keepin your good looks is priceless!

Call Me Bags
OK, “Bags” it is,
Just when I think the questions can’t get any more frivolous, you come along and prove me wrong. Do you realize why V is expensive? Well, DO you? It is because it is not easy to come by. Though all vampires I know are blood sucking fiends who still greatly enjoy drinking human blood often, they aren’t exactly of the mind that turn about is fair play, and are not keen on sharing their blood, from which the precious V is extracted. So even if I had heard of studies of mixing V with cucumbers and cocoa butter to smear on your saggy face, I would not tell you. Go shoot up some Botox.

Ma boy has been seein’ a vampire we’ll call J. and she’s just got him all twisted around. I hate these vampires, I mean, who do they think they are actin like normal folks. My baby won’t have no babies if he stays with this gal. Is it so wrong of a mama to want to see some grandbabies before she passes on? And the worst part is this gal wears red shoes! I mean, you just know she’s a hussy. I’ve tried setting him up with a good Baptist gal but he threw her over like yesterday’s leftovers. I suppose it could be worse — he could be datin’ a Catholic. Anyway.. do you have any advise for me? He won’t even speak to me now and he won’t take me to Bingo neither.
Future M-I-L to a Vamp!

Dear M-I-L to a V,

I’m just taking a shot in the dark here, but you’re a really fundamental religious nut, aren’t you? I mean I don’t have any love lost on vampires myself, but to call this female fiend a hussy because she wears red shoes? I happen to love red shoes- and I am NOT a hussy- a cougar, perhaps, but no hussy!
But, to address your problem, I’d say the best way to assure he stays with “J” is to keep throwing those Baptist gals his way. I mean you are aware that vampires are very sensual and sexual creatures. As a rule, good Baptist gals are not. You getting my drift, Mama? Get your head out of your butt and leave the kid alone.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr.L — Check Under Your Bed!

March 21, 2011

Ask Dr. L is a True Blood parody on Dr. Ludwig

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

March 21, 2011

 

Hi Dr. L,

My mommy says there aren’t any mosters that live under the bed or in the closets but she also said there were no vampires and now you see them all over the news! I figure you’ll tell me the truth. So.. is there a monster under there?

Sleepyhead

Dear Little Tyke,

You did, indeed, come to the right place for truth. Because if I don’t know the truth, I can, and will make it up.
Honey, not only are there vampires out there, but there are also werewolves, shapeshifters, witches and faeries who are not exactly Tinkerbelle. The last thing I would worry about, if I were you, is the monster who lives under your bed.  You’re what, 7 or 8? And you can’t be very large, so you must have a small bed. He can’t be all that big to slip in and out from under your bed every night. So don’t give him another thought. Now, nighty night- and sweet dreams!

 

Hey Toots,

Was wonderin’ howsya feel about datin’ a werewolf from Jersey? I gots style and even one o dem fancy horns what plays different tunes so’s when I picks ya up I can honk out da theme ta “Love Story.” So what’s ya say? My moms always wanted me ta date a doctor.

Fuzzy Dice

Dear Dicey,

Excuse me, while I go take a shower, to wash away the slimy residue that crept over me as I read this letter from you. Euuuuwwwwww! Tell Mom you will have to go elsewhere to look for your dream doctor. I rarely date werewolves- and NEVER anyone from Jersey! (especially one with fuzzy dice). Try Dr. Ruth…

 

Hi,

I was curious if you know anything about that new astrological sign? I used to date a Scorpio and it wasn’t a very good match. We fought all the time. But now, he’s under that new sign Ophiuchus and I was wondering if I should give him another shot. He definitely had his advantages.. if you know what I mean!

Sign me,

Ophiucurious

Dear O-Curious,

You see, even though I am a woman of science and medicine myself, I sometimes think these guys with their big telescopes and such get a little bit bored, and just look for stuff to mess with us about. I mean, come on- after all these millions of years, they suddenly find a “new” horoscope sign? Personally, I think they were a bunch of geeky guys at a planetarium, smoking a little something, thinking if they came up with something cool like changing the whole astrological system, that would turn them into chick magnet. I mean, look at the name- seems it could be pronounced, O-F*#k us, doesn’t it?
And I’m with you on the Scorpio guys. They have a lot of stamina, but they are moody creatures. Don’t take a chance.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — Healthy Addiction?

February 22, 2011

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 22, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
With the flu season hitting the humans hard, most of the humans I have been dining with have had the flu vaccine in them. This has given their blood and very unique and wonderful flavor. I fear I may be getting addicted to the new flavor and have very little hope of going back to the regular flavor. I was wondering if you might know where I can get some flu vaccine to use or how I might wean myself off this new flavor?

Regards,

In Perfect Health

Dear Healthy Friend,
You know, of course, that I wouldn’t care if the whole lot of you took a sunbathing vacation and obliterated yourselves, except that I need your blood for it’s healing properties. Otherwise, I would try to add some garlic juice to some flu vac and give it to you. Drat! What’s a doctor to do?
So, call me and set up an appointment. We’ll trade- your blood for a supply of flu vaccine, sans garlic. It won’t be an even trade, mind you- I have staff to pay and all. But it will be as fair as I can be with low lifeless scum.

Hi Dr. L,
Just got a quick question for ya.
Will a vampire’s fangs grow back if they are pulled out?

A Little Curious

Dear LC,
Just a quick question for you- do you actually HAVE a life? And if so, how on earth do you find the time to come up with such ridiculous questions? Jeeze Louise, give me a break!
But tell you what, you get close enough to a vamp to pull out the fangs, and then let me know. I’ll be sure to monitor the situation and get back to you.

Dear Dr. L,
My no good, lying, cheating ex-husband left me. Now, ordinarily I’d be happy. But he also left me with his seven year old son from his first marriage and who I believe might be a shape shifter. He growls in his sleep and sometimes I catch him sleepwalking and “marking his territory” inside and outside of the house in the middle of the night. What can I do for the little fellow besides putting him to bed in a big kennel every night?

Sincerely,

The Step Mom

Dear Step,
Bravo for you getting rid of your ex. I’ve been with my share of those kinds myself, and a few of them actually survived. But I digress…
Your little gift he left behind does sound like a bit of a problem. All of the behaviors you mention are earmarks of shifters. Personally, I think the crate idea is a good one, but I am not sure the powers that be would go along with that.
Why not set up an appointment with my office and bring the little tiger in? I take cash, check and most major credit cards, and I will do the best I can to house train him for you. Oh, and would you like him to learn any cute little tricks while we are at it?

Hey Dr. L,
Something happened to my cows. I was out in the field the other day and noticed four large marks in the field, bigger than my tractor, it looked like the earth was scorched. Two days later, I discovered nearly all my cows were pregnant. Dr. L, since we inseminate our cows, there’s just no way that they could all be pregnant. Do I take a chance that the cows are carrying some sort of mutant calfs or just ship the lot of them off to the meat packing plant?

Thanks Cher,

LaRoy Thibodeaux

Dear LaRoy,
Oh come on, whre’s your sense of adventure, of joi de vivre? (that’s real French, you know). What an opportunity for scientific advancement! I personally would love to see what your cows produce, and I know many others in the medical and scientific comunity would, as well.
So please, keep me posted. And then, if they start dropping two headed creatures with big, buggy eyes, I say EVERYONE OFF TO THE MEAT PACKING PLANT. PRONTO!

Dr. L,
I just turned 13 and had the best birthday party ever. The problem was right after I blew out my birthday candles I started seeing things. At first, I thought someone spiked the punch, but nobody else seemed bothered by it. I want to tell my parents but I’m afraid they’ll send me away like they did my Granny when she said she could see other people between the lines. I didn’t know what she meant, but that’s just exactly like what I see. People between the lines, in between the colors. Does this make sense? Should I tell my parents that I see them or is there a way I can make them disappear?

Hope you can help,

Britney (that’s not my real name though okay)

Dear Britney (or not Britney- that is the question…oh, I LOVE Shakespeare!),
First of all, congratulations for living long enough to reach the age of impossibility, of angst, of self hatred and hatred of others. It’s a real milestone.
Now, as for your problem, it is not really a problem at all. I have known people like your granny (in fact, I think I knew your granny…). Maybe in less enlightened times, the rank and file felt these people were crazy. But now, everything goes. You ever watch TV and see these folks talking to dead people? They make a bundle, and have a long waiting list of people wanting to pay to see them. So I say use it, make people pay you to tell them what you are seeing. Then, when you make enough money, you can make an appointment with me, andI have an elixir to cure what ails you.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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Enter to Win a “Dream” Consultation with True Blood’s Tanya Wright!

February 21, 2011

Tanya Wright Announces a New Contest for Butterfly Rising

Tanya-WrightDo you have a dream? Is it something you’d like to accomplish but for whatever reason you don’t think you can? Tanya Wright (Dep. Kenya Jones) would like to help you turn your dreams into reality!

In addition to being an actor, Ms. Wright is also a published author of a book entitled Butterfly Rising. But writing the book was only the first part of her dream. Butterfly Rising is now a movie that is both written and directed by Wright. The film is due to make its way onto the film festival circuit this summer. In celebration of her dream coming true, Tanya is holding a contest to help one lucky winner realize their dream with the help of a consultation with her!

The Details

In the movie, Butterfly Rising’s leading ladies Rose and Lilah Belle set out to meet the “Lazarus of Butterflies, a legend who can heal you and make your dreams come true.” In the spirit of the movie, Tanya would like to offer one lucky winner a one on one strategic planning session with her to figure out how they can make their dream into reality! The winner will also receive a copy of the book Butterfly Rising.

To enter, all you have to do is write your dream on Butterfly Rising’s Facebook wall here. Whoever receives the most likes from the community will win.

There is one catch, however. While Tanya Wright will help you strategize about how to make your dream come true, you MUST be willing to do whatever it takes to make it happen.

So if you are willing to do whatever it takes but don’t know where to start, write your dream on the Butterfly Rising wall and it just might come true!

Sources: Facebook– “Dream Made Real Contest”
ButterflyRisingtheMovie.com– “Writer/Director:  Tanya Wright”

(Image Credit: Westchester Magazine.com)

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Ask Dr. L — New Year New You

January 7, 2011

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

January 7, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
Please HELP! My parents are way strict. I’m home schooled and the only time I can get away from them is when they let me go on church youth group outings to witness to non-believers in other towns.
Well, two weeks ago I knocked on this one lady’s door and she invited me in and I thought she was really nice. She listened to everything I had to say. Heck, she listened so long that I parched myself out! I know it’s wrong, but I couldn’t help it and when she offered me a glass of sweet tea, I accepted. Even though we’re told not to accept anything from the unclean, the tea tasted wonderful.
Now though, I think maybe I was poisoned or something. Ever since that day, I been feeling real happy, I mean even when mama asks me to rub her feet, I’m happy. It doesn’t bother me at all like it used to. That’s not the bad part though, the worst part is I keep having to hide my sheets!!
Every night I dream I am shooting fire from my fingertips and the fire just zaps anyone who told me I couldn’t do something that day, into a pile of ash while I laugh. I’m always happy when I wake up, till I look down and see scorch marks where my fingers are lying on the sheets.
Dr. L, please, please tell me I’m not a witch or something. I just know my family would burn me at the stake or drown me if I am.
How can I stop burning my sheets without being going back to being miserable again?

Sad I’m So Happy

Dear Sad..or is it Happy?
Seems you’re from a really religious family. My ideas about organized religions of any type likely do not mesh with yours. But that being said, I will do my best to answer your questions. Short answer: Yes, you got zapped by the tea. Those pesky witches really like to play with religious folks. Maybe it’s some form of payback for the burning at the stake and drowning thing, you think? And it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, as I think you all are a bunch of overzealous fanatics.
To tell you the truth, I was a bit concerned over your statement about the need to change your sheets every day. Though you did not indicate this, I sense you are a young male person. And of course, being strictly religious, you are not allowed the pleasures of the flesh with someone else. So the sheet thing kind of grossed me out, till you talked about the fiery fingers. OK- I’m better now. I do have a cure for that, and you can make an appointment to come in. (I take cash, check and most major credit cards). But, as a caveat, I have to warn you, the happy goes away with the fire. Your choice.

Dr. L,
Is there such a thing as a “truth serum” for vampires? My boyfriend says he loves me, and says he doesn’t want to drink my blood but it’s irresistible to him. He tells me that it’s torture to be so close to me and not touch me, but that if I give him time he’ll prove that I can trust him not to drain me.
I told him there’s no way I can go any further unless I know he’s in this relationship for the long haul. Even though he cries bloody tears, my friends assure me that they are crocodile-vampire tears and that if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.
Dr. L, how can I be sure the vampire that I want to trust is telling the truth?

Skeptical Shelly

Dear SS,
Good girl for being skeptical. And I LIKE your friends- but they stole my favorite line, “if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.” So, rather than lead you down a very unlikely and undoubtedly expensive garden path of coming to see me for a truth serum for these vile, lying creatures, who wouldn’t know Truth if it bit them in their respective asses, I will just suggest you find another boyfriend of the breathing variety. Good luck!

Hey, Doc!
I hope you can settle a bet I got with my girlfriend. We was makin out at the bog last weekend. It was a night of pure magic, ya know, Lynyrd Skynyrd on the boom box and a case of Lone Star beer that was actually cold, thanks to the cold snap the night before. Anyway, things was going great, Mandy was dancin’ in the headlights when I noticed a movement across the water. I swear, I saw a little red haired man digging a hole or somethin. I told Mandy to look and she did, but she’s so dumb, she said she thought it was a goat. So I asked her what kinda’ goat only has two legs, and she says her uncle Billie’s goat can walk on two legs. He was even at the state fair last year. So we made a bet, is there such a thing as Leprechauns?
Please say, yes, Dr. L. Otherwise, I gotta’ wash her “unmentionables,” and trust me, after seeing her drawers, I’m ascared to find out what her “unmentionables” are. But if I win, Mandy’s gotta’ wash the four wheeler down, every time I come back from mud buggin’ for the rest of the year!

Mr. Clean

Dear Baldy (it’s a joke, in reference to Mr Clean…OK, forget it),
Is this some kind of joke? I mean, I live in an area crawling with otherworldly creatures of every ilk (that means “kind” or “sort”, by the way). And being OS less than tall stature myself, you choose to ask me about a wee type. I swear, if I find out you’re making fun of me, I will find you and slap you silly. Oh wait, you already are…again, forget it.
Clean one, there is nothing you can think of or imagine that doesn’t exist, either in this dimension or in others that they can pop in and out of to come here. So tell that gal of yours to wash her undies in the warm, soapy water she’s going to have to use to clean your 4 wheeler.
And I daresay, you say one of my kin folk- cousin Paddy. Tell him hi from Cousin Doc next time.

Dr. L,
I’m a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. My parents and my cousins and my brothers and sisters are all believers. However, last month I met a boy while I was working at Sonic. At first, I thought he was just a really good skater, like good enough to be in the Olympics or something, but then I found out he was really a Vampire! He’s really nice to me though, and when I fall behind, he always makes up my rounds and he even gives me the tips.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show next weekend. The problem is, the next morning I’m supposed to be up at four in the morning so we can go picket the Vampire Casket Company outside of Beaumont. Dr. L, will I burn in hell if I lie to my parents and tell them my sorority sisters are having another “Hello Halo” sleepover that night?
Sincerely,

Virginia

Dear Virginia,
Dear Goddess, what is going on with the religious fanatics going to the dark side this week? Not that I have any more love or respect for the Fellowship Fanatics than I do the slimy vampires, but there must be something in the water- or the tea (please read the first query).
Let me make myself clear- I hate vampires. I only tolerate them for their blood, as it has phenomenal healing qualities. I don’t trust one any further than I can throw one. But, your question as to whether or not lying to your parents, who are obviously buying lies on a daily basis if they are part of the Fellowship of the Sun, would cause you to burn in hell- no, it won’t. But spending a lot of time with a vampire might make you wish you were in hell.
Just saying.

Dear Dr. L!
OMG! OMG!! Totally Freaking Out! Been dating this one guy for three months now. Always seemed to work out on a full moon that he had to pull a double shift. Since I’m a werewolf myself, it was a relief that I never had to break a date or change plans. However, he’s just confessed that he’s a were also! I was sooo happy, until he told me he’s a were sheep! OMG, Dr. L! I’m a werewolf! Who knows? I mean, I may have eaten his mother or sister or something!! Sheep are so delectable! No wonder I’ve wanted him like no other. What am I supposed to do?! Of course, I should leave him, but I’m afraid I love him too much to let him go! But what will happen when we are both in our animal form?!

Shy but Deadly.

Dear Deadly,
A little known fact is that in addition to being a universally renowned and respected doctor to humans and supernaturals alike, I also happen to be an amazing gourmet chef. I have a superb recipe for rack of lamb with mint sauce. I’ll send it to you.
Bon Appetite!

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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The Franklin Files — Happy New Year

January 7, 2011

The Franklin Files” – Happy New Year

“Here drink this.” Jesus handed Lafayette a Bloody Mary. “Trust me, you two will feel a whole lot better and I’m a nurse. And I added a little secret magic to it, too.” He handed one to Tara who was laying head to toe with Lafayette on the couch and looked like she could be a vampire. She was the absolute color of death.

“Please tell me I’m not going to see no visions. I swear if I see visions as soon as I can lift myself off this couch I’ll kick your sorry ass from here to Tijuana.”

“No worries, sweetheart, it’s all spices from your local grocery store. My, my, you two are wee bit touchy this morning.”

“Sorry, babe, as much as I love them, I don’t do Champagne and Courvoisier together real well. But I sure seemed to like it last night – a lot.” Lafayette lifted the damp cloth from his face and attempted to smile.

“You sure did. You liked a lot of other things, too…”

“Oh, really…honestly, I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened after I stopped cooking the last couple of specials Sam had going last night. I can’t believe people really ponied up $13.95 for some cocktail shrimp and 6 oz sizzler. Hard to believe that’s the fanciest “Turf and Surf” they’ve ever seen in Merlotte’s, let alone Bon Temps. But I guess with a complimentary glass of champagne, noise maker and a party hat, it was a pretty nice event at the bar.”

“Well, I can tell you, everyone had a really nice time, especially you,” Jesus started to laugh, looking at Tara, “and Sookie. When you two started doing the can-can on top of the bar, I gained a whole new respect for you. Doing ‘The Bump?’ I didn’t know anyone still knew that old dance existed anymore. And when you closed it all out with ‘The Macarena’! It was absolutely classic!”

Tara groaned, and somehow managed to hit him dead on in the face with pillow, “You can shut the hell up any old time now.”

“My, my, my, okay, I can see my attempts at a lighthearted banter is getting me nowhere with the two of you.  How about I read you a little story. Have you checked in with Franklin lately? Do you know how his New Year’s began? Lafayette told me that his mother is missing and you think she’s been turned to the ‘dark side’ but have you read anymore?”

Tara answered, rather peevishly, “I really was starting to feel sort of sorry for Franklin which really pissed me off so I didn’t want to read anymore but what the hell I already feel like crap. Let’s go ahead and see what’s happened to his mommy dearest. The book is in the back closet under some blankets.” She threw her elbow over her forehead as if she were a movie star having a fainting spell on a chaise lounge in some long ago Bette Davis black and white movie.

Soon, Jesus returned the old battered journal. “I swear I don’t know how this thing holds together. And how many more are there?”

“Enough to keep us reading for a very long time. So start reading already.”

“Obviously, you need to drink more of my special Bloody Mary, Tara.” She gave Jesus the evil eye. “Whoa, girl, I know you don’t want to go toe-to-toe, evil eye-to-evil eye with me, girl. You have no idea who I am. But for the sake of your cousin, I’ll shut up and start reading.”

“Pleeeeease. Y’all need to stop. I’m in pain, and I love you both, but if you don’t start reading in ten, you will find both your butts on the porch.” Lafayette was coming to life, but quickly laid his head back down with a hand to the forehead and an, “Ouch.”

“Alright, ‘ladies,’ settle down, I’m reading.”

Tuesday, January 1, 1856

I am defeated – and not just a little bit drunk. If I could I would drink every alcoholic spirit available in England and under the authority of the English Crown and on the Continent – and it would still not be enough to erase the terrors. Last night was the most glorious night of my life and this morning the most terrifying and terrible.

Gwendolyn’s family invited me to their home to celebrate the welcoming of the New Year. It was a beautiful dinner with many friends and family and altogether helped to take my mind off the tragedy of these last few days. Lost in the presence of Gwen’s beauty and grace, I have to admit that there were a few moments when I even forgot that mother was missing at all. Gwendolyn’s parents were most solicitous and her sweet mother took me aside in the salon and most kindly offered that even though she knew she were a poor substitute, when Gwendolyn and I were married she would do her best to be a mother to me if my own were not to be found. She begged my pardon if it were too soon to say such a thing, and I assured her that, indeed, it was not. I really do love her, she is kind and warmhearted and, is in so many ways, the sort of mother I’ve always dreamed that I might possess.

After some dessert, drinks, singing, and parlor games, Gwendolyn’s parents allowed that since the night was not so chilly, I might wrap Gwendolyn up and we might walk along the terrace for a moment of privacy. I was astounded! But we are engaged to be married and had over the evening discussed a wedding date in mid-June, after the Sunday of the Trinity, it seemed a walk alone was not inappropriate. My heart was soaring! I thought it the most glorious evening of my life. And then Gwendolyn made it even better. She grew quite affectionate with me, more than she ever had, reaching inside my heavy coat, daring to touch me in places I didn’t even know she knew existed. Her touch was tentative at first, but she grew ever more daring and I was shocked at her courage.

“Gwendolyn, I think you must stop. While I am delight to find you so enthusiastic, I am afraid I am overcome with passion for you right now and in my emotional state right now, I don’t know that I can stop myself if I should return your affection.”

“My sweet, sweet, dark haired boy. I don’t want you to stop. I’ve been talking to Mrs. General and I am sure you believe her a just an old prude, but you’d be surprised to find her otherwise. We’ve talked about the torture you must be under, and how I might alleviate your suffering, not to mention my own grief at feeling so helpless to see your deepening sadness. I want to help you, to comfort you, and we’ve agreed this is the best possible thing I could do for you right now.”

I opened my mouth to protest but she put her gloved hand to my mouth to silence me. “Meet Mrs. General in three-quarters of an hour at the kitchen entrance. She is going to bring you to me. And before you say that you won’t come, if you don’t then I am prepared to run away to the vicarage and say that you kidnapped me.”

“Well, what choice do I have then? I think this idea unwise, but I will come, if only to prevent you running away in the middle of the night. We will talk some more and then I will leave. But I promise you, I will do nothing to besmirch your honor, Gwendolyn. I would rather die first.”

“Franklin, I am to be your wife in just a few months. Just come to me.” And then she took me back inside and she bid goodnight to the group. I, too, said my farewells and went outside to ride my horse a ways off and then came round to the back of their stables where I tied him in the back of the stable yard. I made my way to the kitchen while guests were saying their goodbyes at the front door and the main lights of the kitchen had gone out. Mrs. General took me up a back stairway and I quickly found myself alone with the most ravishing creature I had ever seen in my life.

Gwendolyn was dressed in the most beautiful white linen nightgown and her golden hair was down. I could hardly speak or move for fear that I might break the  vision that stood before me. But I didn’t have to move for she came to me. And with a boldness that I hardly knew she had, she began to undress me. I would have spoken up to resist – if I could have remembered how to speak at all. She kissed my throat, my chest, and ran her hands along my spine, and when she started to reach for my trousers, I finally got a hold of myself.

“Gwendolyn, no! This is not needed. You must not. You cannot. Your honor is too important to me, my lady. I will not spoil you in this way, my dear, sweet, love of my life.”

“Franklin, darling, you know that I love you?”

“Yes, my love.”

“And we will spend eternity together as man and wife?”

“Yes, my love.”

“Then, my love, Mrs. General says this is all perfectly all right, and so I am going to help you forget your misery and you will put me out of mine.” And then she took me by the hand and led me to her bed. I dare say that Mrs. General did more than just convince her that this was a good idea, for she seemed quite knowledgeable about what to do. But how can I even think about that now? My God, what sort of monster am I?

After the sweetest few hours of my life, making love to her by the light of the sliver of the quarter moon, and taking sweet slumber in each other’s arms off and on I could see that the future could indeed be bright. Mother or not, I would be happy in my marriage to the wondrous, marvelous creature. I stole myself away while it was still dark, not wanting to risk being caught by anyone stirring in the house. As I was riding away I couldn’t resist going back to take one last look at that beloved window wherein my lay my beloved. When I drew close to the house I saw two dark figures climbing out that very same window. I let out a shout and I swear they took to the air!

I drove the horse to the house and mounted the back stairs to her bedroom to find Gwendolyn her beautiful night gown shredded to pieces and she was covered in blood with not only the deep fang marks of before but actual gashes as if she, herself, had been torn apart. I took her in my arms and tried to rouse her, but there was no life in her. I let out a yell that brought the whole house to her room. I told them that I could not sleep and so I went out for a ride and saw the two figures coming out of her window. I left out the part about them flying for fear they’d think I’d gone absolutely mad, but I know that is the truth of it and I will not rest until I discover who they are.

As the chaos ensued and we waited for the doctor’s arrival, I went to the window to see if I could learn anything about these horrible murderers. As I looked down at the exterior window casing, I saw something caught there between it and the roof. It was a gold bracelet with small rubies that belongs to Mother. I grabbed the bracelet and put it in my pocket. I’m not telling the constable, at least not yet.

Because I am the source of all this death and suffering. Obviously, the same people who did this to Gwendolyn are the same people that have taken Mother, and the only conclusion I can make is that it is someone out to hurt me. The only connection between the two of them is that I love them with my whole heart, so that must be why Gwendolyn was killed tonight. It is my fault.  I feel such terrible guilt that I’d gladly give my own life for hers. I’d gladly take my own life except for one thing – I will have my vengeance upon the killers…I have one clue to follow, there was the note upon my pillow when I returned home, “Never forget, I am always and forever watching you.” It must be linked to the killers.

“Well, I think we are beginning to know when psycho Franklin began to appear,” Lafayette took a long drink from his Bloody Mary. The room was silent for a while.

“How are you two feeling now? Any better? Can I get you a refill?” Jesus closed the book and got up to take their glasses. “By the way, I love these old Flintstone glasses, very classy.”

“You better step off my Betty and Wilma’s. I’ll have you know it took a lot flea market shopping to put that collection together.” Lafayette feigned being indignant.

“Well, yabba-dabba-doo. Hand me your glass so I can fill up good old Betty for you and Tara, let me catch your little old Pebbles.” Jesus reached for her class.

“After, that journal entry, you better make me a Pebbles and Bam-Bam.”

Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers who contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Graphics By: Sarahfina

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A Bon Temps Cold Front

January 3, 2011


What up tricks? Ya boy, Lafayette, just had to tell ya about something real crazy Jason done now. I was closing up Merlotte’s last night, right? I’m in the freezer putting up some meat I had just got through marinating when all of a sudden, he come running up in dere talkin’ bout how fine dis chic outside is. You probably thinking what’s unusual with dat – we all know Jason girl crazy.

But what came next was nothing but crazy – crazier than Andy when he gets in da sauce. I had dat door propped open wit a couple of cases of tomatoes. Next thing I know, Jason talkin’ bout how dis woman fine and she a public school teacher and all kinds of other crazy stuff. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Nah, Jason – what you gonna do wit a public school teacher? She obviously got a education and probably want a man that got one too. You ain’t event decide yet whether you gonna go to college or not.

Jason: She’s cute, Lafayette. I went up to the bar to another beer and she was giving me the eye from afar.

Me: More like, she probably had something in her eye. What she want wit a fool like you, Jason? For real.

Jason: Well, I bet you 5 bucks she gonna go out wit me when I ask her.

Me: She gonna ask have you lost yo mind, Jason. She probably know all about you takin’ care of dat girl’s family in Hotshot. You know it don’t take long here for da gossip to make its rounds.

Jason: Oh yeah, Lafayette? Well you just wait and see. She’ll go out with me if I ask her. She won’t be able to resist that Stackhouse charm.

Me: Stackhouse charm? Shoot, I bet if you brought Sookie round here, she could listen in on dat teacher’s thoughts and she could tell you what kind of dang fool she think you are.

Jason: Oh, whatever Lafayette. Watch Jason in action. I’m bout to go out here and ask her on a date.

Me: Whatever you do, don’t shut dat door, Jason. I won’t be able to get outta here.

Jason: Like I’d do dat Lafayette.

Me: You best not do it. I don’t want to have to hurt you up in here. It’s as cold as a mug up in here and youse know ya boy don’t do cold.

And dat’s when da craziness started. Jason walked out da freezer and saw dat teacher coming toward him. He ran back into da freezer after pushing away da tomatoes and he shut dat dang door!

Me: What da hell, Jason? What da hell?

Jason: I panicked, Lafayette. I saw that beautiful woman coming toward me and I panicked. I wasn’t ready to ask her out. I was just going to admire her from afar and then maybe later on, I’d buy her a drink or something. Man, I was just playing – I wasn’t really gonna ask her out, but I wasn’t expecting to see her coming to talk to me, either.

Me: You fool. She was going to the ladies room. You know it’s right outside here.

Jason: Nah, I think she was checking me out. She probably wanted to make sure she got a chance to talk to me before Merlotte’s closed.

That’s when I walked over to the door and pulled on it and it was locked – from the outside. Now here we are in a 30 degree freezer and no way to get out. I started yelling and screaming and beating on the door, but no one heard me. Of all times to leave my cell phone in da kitchen!

Me: Gimme ya cell phone fool!

Jason: I left it on the bar, I think. *Jason digs around in his pockets, but comes up wit nothing*

Me: Are you kidding me? Ya fool! You really are a fool! I told ya not to close dat door, didn’t I? What we gone do now? We gone freeze up in here!

Jason: We gonna be OK. We gonna just yell and somebody will hear us.

30 minutes later, here we are literally freezing to death and ain’t nobody heard us and ain’t nobody helping us.

Me: Thanks a lot ya idiot. We gonna die up in her. Sam ain’t posed to be back until 7 in da morning and we trapped here now – it ain’t nothing but about 2 in da morning. We got another 5 hours in here.

*30 minutes later Jason gets a brilliant idea*

Jason: Lafayette, Grams used to always tell us if we ever got stranded in a car in a snowstorm, that you should take off all your clothes and snuggle up with whoever’s with you. She said that the body heat would keep you from freezing to death.

Lafayette: Why in da hell would Grams tell you dat? You live in Louisiana, fool. You probably never even seen snow, much less would ya ever get caught in a snowstorm.

Jason: Well, it’s worth a try. We gonna freeze to death in here for sure.

I (reluctantly) agreed and what followed was about da craziest damned thang that’s ever happened. Jason and I took off our clothes and tried to warm up. Next thang I know, we done fallen asleep on da floor of da freezer. I look up right, and what do I see? A pair of red stilletos and some skinny jeans. I jumped so hard I threw Jason off me. It was da sexy teacher he got a crush on. She said she got half way home when she realized dat she left her purse on da bar. When she came back in, everybody was gone, but nothin’ was locked up. She thought dat was strange and den she saw Jason cell phone on da bar. Since dey been having some strange occurrences in Bon Temps, she decided to check and make sure everybody was OK.

She opened da freezer and there we were, naked as da day we came into dis world! By now, Jason was awake and was trying to explain. Heehee, you shoulda heard dis mess dat was comin outta his mouth. He’d a done better to just let her think we were snuggling for real.

*Shakes head* Dat Jason, I tell ya. He can get himself in more than a little bit of trouble!



Disclaimer: “A Bon Temps Cold Front” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO

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