What’s Cookin’

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Lafayette comin’ atcha here.  Youse know that I am an Entrepreneur!  I work on da road crew to keep myself lookin’ hot and SEXAY and line my pockets with a little jingle.  Then at nights I cook at Merlotte‘s bar where all the local necks hang out.  So now I’m branchin’ out and I’m goin’ to be Bon Temps version of da BAM! man.  I mean no one has more Bam! Bam! Bam! than ‘lil ole me!  And I kin cook too! Every week or so I’m going to teach y’all to make food good enough to melt even Nan Flanagan‘s heart. Bon Chika Wow Wow – Appetit!

January 18th, 2010

Child, ya boy is back after takin’ some time off to celebrate da new year. I spent da new year in Dallas and it was off da chain! There was good lookin’, sweaty mens everywhere and ya best believe ya boy kept himself busy.

When I got home to Bon Temps, it was back to servin’ da necks at Merlotte’s. I been tryin’ to come up wit some new recipes since dat Mardi Gras right around da corner. I won’t be here to handle up on da cookin’, so I gots to leave Terry wit some directions so he can take care of my peeps while I’m New Orleans.

I got a special friend dat I met while surfin’ da web and he’s done gone and invited me to New Orleans for Mardi Gras. Aw Sookie, Sookie nah ….. dat’s all I gots to say bout dat. We gonna stay at dat luxurious French Quarter hotel, Hotel Monteleone. Once I gets there, I plan to take myself a lil nap and then head on down to Bourbon Street, right in da middle of da action. I will keep y’all posted on dis and might even send ya some tweets or somethin’ live from da scene!

For now, I want y’all to try my new recipe I call Mardi Gras Cabbage:

Ingredients

1 head of cabbage

Creole seasoning

1 yellow onion

1 bell pepper

½ pound of smoked sausage

1 tablespoon of butter

1 link of tasso

1 clove of garlic

Directions

Slice cabbage and cover in water. Bring to a boil after adding Creole seasoning. In a saucepan, melt butter and sauté sausage, tasso, onion, bell pepper, and garlic. Mix inta da cabbage, cover and cook til well done. Youse kin use a pressure cooker at this point like we do at Merlotte’s ta cut down the time but don’t be blowin’ yerselves up now.. y’hear? Unless’n yer name is Eric Norhman then I’m not so’s particular bout yer safety.. but that’s a story fer another day. Yer kin serve dis over rice or alone.

Now wheres did I put those gold lame pants and that HOT black top? You knows I gotsta look good for the parades! Or maybe dat new purple one piece…

(Photo credit: http://i.ehow.com/images/GlobalPhoto/Articles/4873696/cabbage-main_Full.jpg)

December 29th, 2009

Lafayette’s Famous Fudge

Happy Holidays, Hookahs.  Ya boy’s back wit some holiday cheer for ya heffers.  I hope each and every one of youse had a great holiday.

I’m bout to impart some knowledge for ya that you can use for ya Thanksgiving, Christmas and New Year’s Eve feasts.  You just know round here we got that fire when it comes to da food.  Louisiana is da bomb!

Lettie Mae had a spread that would make you want to slap ya mama. Errbody who’s anybody in Bon Temps was there.  Hell, Terry and Arlene was even there with the kids.  And Andy with his dumb self.  Get this.  Andy calls up Tara a couple days ‘fo Thanksgiving, talking bout, “Tara, Imma come over to ya Mama house and fry up a turkey ‘fo Thanksgiving.”  Yeah, well, I am more than certain you hookahs know how that went down.  Thank goodness me and Terry was off work and already over there helping wit da festivities or else Lettie Mae’s house woulda looked like da one those vampires was living in – crispy, crunchy and burned clean to da ground.

Andy outside, right?  He got the burner going and he put da pot and da oil in it.  He gets da brilliant idea to get it to boiling and you know ol’ Andy – dat fool too proud to ask another man fo’ help and lo and behold, he dropped da turkey into dat boiling hot oil all by himself – ‘cept he knocked over the pot while he was doing dat.

Child, listen to ya boy when I tells ya that ya don’t want to be nowhere round when dat oil hits da flames.  Lettie Mae’s backyard looked like a forest fire.  And yeah, then dat’s when Andy’s crazy self decides to yell for help. He better be glad that wasn’t his own house else I’d have let it burn, baby burn!  But youse know I can’t do that to my favorite auntie so I ran outside to see what I could do to fix Andy’s mess.  I saw what was happening and I said, “Lawd Andy, what you done now?!”  It was quite a sight to say da least.  For some stupid reason, Andy thought fanning the flame with his shirt was gonna help put it out.  Man, I grabbed the fire extinguisher and commenced to savin’ da day.  If ain’t learned nothin’ else workin’ on dat road crew, I learned how to put out a fire or two.  Jason was always doin’ stupid stuff and I done put out a few a his fires in my day.

Once Andy finished burnin’ down half da neighborhood, I went back in da house to make my famous fudge.  Imma share dis’ witcha, but don’t tell nobody, or else I might have to ice ya:

Ingredients:

½  cup light corn syrup

2 sticks butter

4 cups granulated sugar

1 can condensed milk

1 cup peanut butter

1 tablespoon vanilla extract

Instructions:

Spray a cake pan with vegetable spray and set is on da side til you finish making da mix.  In a large saucepan, mix up sugar, condensed milk, corn syrup, and butter.  Ya want to cook it on medium high heat.  Now you can’t be playin’ on da internet or “workin” while none of dis is going on, else you gonna burn the mixture.  Stir it like coffee – put yo hips in it.  Keep stirrin it til it’s completely melted and take yo candy thermometer and stir til it gets to 240 degrees.  Don’t let it get above dat else you’ll ruin da mix.  Once it get there, take it off da heat and stir in da peanut butter and vanilla.  Stir dat mixture good til it gets smooth and pour it in da pan and let sit til ya’ll ready to eat. Den cut into bars or squares.

You can also give dis as a gift.

Now dat’s whaassup!

(Photo credit: http://fariellos.com/upload/merch/fudge.jpg)

November 23rd, 2009

Louisiana Seafood Fetuccini

Welcome back.  Howyamamaanddem?  Child, I sho hope you all doin’ well.  We done had a scare down in these here parts over da past couple of days.  Since those hurricanes ran up in here over da past couple of years, everybody kind of gun shy, ya heard me?  I know youse remember seeing all dem people in New Orleans after Katrina hit.  Katrina was a real witch, you know what I’m sayin?  She did a serious number on us and nobody here’s gonna forget about her anytime soon.

Well, we nearly had another visitor over da weekend – that being Ida, a hurricane turned tropical storm.  Ida had everybody kinda scared round here.  Everybody in Bon Temps was buying up all da water and canned goods.  That crazy-azz Maxine Fortinberry still in her storm cellar I hears tell. Not me – I said I ain’t even much gonna worry my nerves bout that storm.  If she come here, then I was just gonna deal with it then.  Lord knows I done been through a whole lot worse than a little ol’ storm.

Anyway, it’s time to get back down to bidness and that means me bringing y’all some more finger lickin’ grub.  Now here’s a recipe that is easy and tasty – kind of like ya boy!  Jokes – I got jokes – so let’s get to the recipe.

Ingredients:

1 pound of crawfish tails or shrimp

1 stick of butter

1 yellow onion (doan let no vampires cut these, we don’t needs no blood in our seafood!)

1 green bell pepper

1 stalk of green onions

1 large can of cream of mushroom soup

½ block of Velveeta (not the super industrial size, hooka use some sense!)

Directions:

Saute onions, bell pepper and seafood in butter until tender.  I like to do a little dance while my food simmers.  You do what you like, but doing a little jig makes it a heck of lot more interesting and the time flies by.  Next, you want to add a can of cream of mushroom soup and can of water.  Cook until smooth and then add chunks of Velveeta.  Cook and stir until completely smooth.  Serve over fetuccini noodles, angel hair or bowtie pasta.

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(Photo credit: http://media-cdn.tripadvisor.com/media/photo-s/01/2e/94/67/seafood-fettucini.jpg)

October 29th, 2009

Down South Oven Fried Chicken

Child, I’m gonna tell you all about a favorite here in Louisiana – fried chicken – only dis here recipe gonna be a healthy one.  Youse know we got some issues here with our people havin’ sugar and heart problems.

Just dis week, Lettie Mae went to da doctor for a checkup and low and behold, he told her she gots to get on a healthy diet.  Now I don’t know if all those years of drinking her liquor did her in or what, but I know she ain’t eat right like she need to.  I don’t always myself, but I gets my exercise when I be working it for da camera.  Tween’ church and lookin’ out for Tara, Lettie Mae don’t be getting’ no exercise and she ain’t really got time to eat like she need to.  I gots to take her next week for some tests and stuff – I hope she okay.  Tara done dealt with enough drama in da past couple of months – da last thang she need is for her mama to be sick.

You know ya boy.  I minds my bidness, but I be wantin’ to help my friends and family, so I told myself I was gonna come up wid a recipe dat da folks round here would be wantin’ to eat.  I said, “What do dey be wantin’ at Merlotte’s dat seem so fattening, but could be healthier if it was cooked mo betta?”  Fried Chicken!  So I say, how can dat be made healthier?  By fryin’ it in da oven – dat’s how.  Hookahs, if you from ‘round here, you know people be droppin’ like flies from dat heart disease and if dey not having heart attacks and strokes, dey be going to da hospital for diabetes – sugar – dat’s what da ol’ folks call it.  Louisiana got da best food fa sho, but we got da worst health right along wid it.  I hopes you hookahs enjoy dis recipe – I worked real hard on dis one.

Ingredients:

¾ cup of buttermilk

Creole seasoning (season da breasts real good)

Boneless/skinless chicken

1 tablespoon of cooking oil

1 cup of Corn Flakes (child, you won’t believe how good dat be)

Preparation:

Put da oven on 350 degrees and get ready to get to work hookahs!  Pour da buttermilk in a bowl and add some Creole seasoning to it.  Put da Corn Flakes in a Ziploc bag and add some seasoning to it.  Smash da flakes real good until dey some crumbs.  Wash yo chicken and dip it in da milk and put in da bag wit da flakes and shake until da chicken’s good and coated.  Put da oil in da pan and add da chicken – make sure ya season it again after you put it in da pan.  Cover da pan and bake for 45 minutes – den take da cover off and bake another 30 minutes.

You can serve sweet potato fries or oven baked French fries wit dis or youse can even make a Sunday dinner out dis – add some mashed potatoes, green beans and yams.  Now dat’s whassup in a healthy way.

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(Photo credit: http://www.webnesia.com/2008/05/saturday-dinner.html )

October 18th, 2009

Merlotte’s Red Beans and Rice

Now I don’t know what all youse know ‘bout Louisiana, but you gots to know that down here, we make the spiciest dishes and I ain’t talking ‘bout myself.  I’m talking ‘bout da food we eat down here.  It’s the best you gonna find anywhere.  One dish that’s a favorite at Merlotte’s is Red Beans & Rice.

Now, youse can get some of dat smoked sausage from any of the shops in Bon Temps or you can make it yourself, but the sausage and ham hocks is the key to da flava in da dish.  It don’t matter where ya get the ham hock, long as I don’t come from that pig Andy was chasin’ all over Bon Temps.  The weather’s ‘bout to finally cool off, so go head and make a pot red beans and enjoy!

Ingredients:

1 bag of red beans (dry)

2 pounds of smoked sausage (cut up, try ta do this neater than that Maryann done!)

Ham hocks

1 yellow onion (chopped)

1 bell pepper (chopped)

1 stalk of celery (minced)

Creole seasoning

1 bay leaf

Directions:

Soak beans for several hours.  If ya got other stuff to do, go head and take care of that.  I always put a little jingle in my pocket while my beans is soaking.  I put dat video camera on and child, I goes to town wid it.  Dis is traditionally eaten on Mondays. See, folks here done their washin’ up on Mondays after a Sunday full of prayin’ and cookin’ somethin’ ta keep the meat on yer bones like a nice ham hock.  Then on Mondays they’d all be busy wit ‘Wash Day’ so’s they needed sometin’ dat din need much attention.  If yer needs ta do something likes goin’ inta town, why yer kin put them beans ta soak the night before!

After ya done soak the beans for a couple hours, go ahead and throw everything in da pot. Yer needs ta add some spice me up at dis point.  Everybody down here has der favorites and some even makes der own!  But fer Merlotte’s we use either that Crystal or Lousiana Hot sauce! Both will put the Bon Chicka Wow Wow in yer dish!  Careful yer don’t adds too much now. Cover wit water, bring to a boil and reduce heat.  Cook on low for several hours and let the dish simmer – cook til da beans are tender and yer laundry’s clean.  Serve over rice (y’all do know hows ta make rice ya?  Fer white rice yer puts 2 cups of water fer every cup of rice, bring to a boil then cover and simmer fer 20 minutes or so, don’t be peakin!)

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(Photo credit: healthytastycheap.wordpress.com)

October 6th, 2009

Lafayette’s Tomatoey Goodness

Child, ya boy Lafayette is finally back wit anotha recipe for ya.  I been helpin’ Sook try to find Bill, but that ain’t go too well. It’s been real hectic for a hot minute ‘round here and I am ready for Bon Temps to get back to da borin’ lil place it was before Maryann and them vamps showed up ‘round here.  Watchin’ them necks get drunker than Cooter Brown at Merlotte’s is about as much excitement as I want to see for a while!

Anyways, I thought I’d treat y’all to one of ya boy’s favorite recipes – Sausage & Tomato Gravy. Ya would know that’s one of my specialties & it’s quick & easy.  And ya’ know what dey say bout tomato gravy down here in Louisiana.  If ya don’t, Google it – cuz’ I ain’t bout to tell my secret bout how I gets the mens!  And ya know down here, we make anything into sausage.  I recommend good homemade pork sausage, but ya can go to da Bon Temps Deli & they will get ya sausage out of whateva ya want.

I ain’t had much time to cook for myself lately, since I been tryin’ to find Bill for Sook, but when I do, I will be making me some of dis.

Ingredients:

–          1 pound of fresh or smoked sausage (my favorite!)

–          2 fresh Creole tomatoes (diced)

–          1 yellow onion (chopped)

–          1 bell pepper (chopped)

–          1 stalk of celery (minced)

–          1 stalk of green onions (chopped)

–          Parsley (chopped)

–          1/8 stick of butter

–          1 clove of garlic (finely chopped)

–          2 small cans of tomato sauce

–          Creole seasoning (I likes mine hot & spicy, if ya know what I mean!)

Directions:

Melt dat butter in da skillet & cut up ya sausage & brown.  Add onions, bell pepper, celery, & garlic & brown some mo’.  Add a little water & scrape da bottom of da skillet til’ ya get all the brown off (dat’s where da flava’s at) & let simmer (like ya boy been doin’).  Add tomatoes, tomato sauce & Creole seasoning.  Let cook on low bout 25 minutes or until sausage is tender.  Serve over rice or, if youse trying to watch ya figure like ya boy, serve it over a grilled, stuffed chicken breast. Now dat’s whassup!

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(Photo Credit: Sue-Z http://www.ehow.com/how_2183423_cook-good-oldfashioned-tomato-gravy.html)

September 17th, 2009

Tara’s Favorite Spicy Hot Jambalaya

Ya boy Lafayette’s back in da house. I been gone for a while and Lord knows where I been. Alls I know is that I was wearing an azz-ugly dress when I came to – ya know ya boy don’t go out like that. When I got back to work at Merlottes’ da next day, I was in full effect – eyeliner and all. I got my drank on and next thang ya know, the day went from wierd to weirder. All those necks spreading rumors that you just know ain’t right, talkin’ bout aliens comin down to Bon Temps fer Godric‘s sake! Someone started a rumor bout some nasty shine getting into da water and then, Andy shot Eggs! So ya know I gots to comfort Tara, I have not done right by that girl lately, ignorin’ her birthday and beatin’ on her man.. and she’s my homegirl… One of her favorite dishes is jambalaya so I went ahead and made her some. Aunt Lettie and me was eatin’ some, too, and I thought about y’all mofos and how ya hadn’t heard from me in a while. I thought I’d come back to give my people another hot recipe.

In Bon Temps, we like to make our jambalaya with any kind of meat we can get our hands on. Speaking of – ya boy ain’t been up to too much no good lately. I’m gonna have to see how I can change that. I’m bout to get that internet site back up and runnin’. I gots some crazy nasty dancin’ footage from when Eric healed my leg comin’ atcha real soon! Come check me out when ya get a chance. Ya know I don’t disappoint. Until then, here’s that recipe:

Ingredients:

  • 2 pounds of chicken, deboned & sliced (plenty of that round Bon Temps)
  • 1 pound of smoked hot sausage (just the way ya boy likes it)
  • 2 center cut pork chops, sliced
  • 2 yellow onions, chopped
  • 1 bell pepper, chopped
  • 1 clove garlic, minced
  • 1 stalk of celery, chopped
  • 1 stalk of green onions, chopped
  • Creole seasoning (cayenne pepper, black pepper, parsley & salt)
  • 2 cups of chicken stock
  • 2 cups of water
  • 2 cups of rice
  • 2 Tablespoons of butter

Slap da butter in a black iron pot (or Magnalite) and melt it. Throw in da chicken, sausage and pork chops. Season da meat well with dat Creole seaconing and brown it good. Add da onions, bell pepper, celery, and green onions and then scrape the bottom of da pot to loosen da browned bits – child, dat’s da good stuff ya don’t want to miss. Add chicken stock and water. Mix together and add da rice. Bring to a boil and stir it real good. Reduce to a simmer, cover and let cook on low for about 30 minutes.

Ya can grill a chicken breast or pork chop to serve over da jambalaya – just make sure ya season it real good. Da last thang ya want to do is serve meat to your guests when it’s not hot & spicy like ya boy.

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(Photo credit: www.thomhackett.com)

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August 31st, 2009:

Merlotte’s Saturday Night Special

Child, it’s your boy Lafayette – back in full effect.  I got another recipe for ya, but ya know me – I gotsta tell a lil story to go along wid it..  Hookah, I am tired.  I been busy pushing that “V” for Eric, I’m back at Merlotte‘s throwing down in Sam‘s kitchen while he’s off dealing with his drama and I been trying to look out for Tara and Sookie.  Them heffers is running me ragged.  Between trying to keep Sookie out of hot water and Tara away from Maryann with her crazy self, I hadn’t even had much time to work on my other entrepreneurial projects.  Ya know I got dat internet thang goin’ on – I just ain’t had much time lately to turn that motha out.  Ya boy is hot with a capital “H” and I ain’t even much been on my webcam since I popped back on da scene.  I wouldn’t looked too fine wid dat bullethole in ma leg, but I’m finna get my site back up and when I do, dat heat up in Merlotte‘s kitchen ain’t going to have nothin’ on my website.  Matter of fact, dis here is a recipe you can make in yo crockpot.  You can jus throw it all in da slow cooker and let it simmer.  Marinate on that, playas!  In da meantime, I gotsta keep you mofos eatin’ good.

Alright Hookah, let’s get back to da bidness at hand – dat Now this recipe will tell ya how to cook one of Bon Temps’ fine lil furry friends.  You know I always got a hustle goin’ and I likes to always have a little extra cheddar on hand – cash, that is.  Cabbage.  Ends.  Call it what you want, but it cost to feed a family these days, so I gotsta give my people da hookup.  Dis here is one of the favorites on Merlotte‘s Saturday night menu.  It don’t cost much to hook up and it saves Sam a whole lot on dat bottom line of his.

Ima let y’all on in a lil secret, but ya can’t tell nobody – Sam think nobody know dis, but he be having a whole lotta green in dat safe of his.  I ain’t never tell nobody dat and I just act like I ain’t know dat, but one of the reasons he has so much green, is ‘cuz he know I know how to make a dollar outta fifteen cents.  I do dat for myself and I do dat for Sam – and dat adds up in da long run.

There ain’t much to dis here recipe, but it sho taste good.

Ingredients:

1 Rabbit (don’t let Maryann give ya one of hers – child, that thang crazy & I ain’t trust nothing she do)
Creole seasoning & a lot of cayenne pepper
1 cup of sour cream
1 small yellow onion, chopped
1 stalk of celery, chopped
1 green bell pepper, chopped
1/2 teaspoon of Worcestershire sauce (yeah, yo boy loves him some Worcestershire sauce)
1 can of cream of mushroom soup

Preparation:

Okay, heffer.  You gotsta cut up dat meat and season it real good.  Spice it up like I do dat internet when I be on it twerkin’ it.  Throw all those ingredients in da crockpot and leave it cookin’ on low for about 8 hours.  Dat gives ya enough time to do what ya gotta do, whether that be work or whateva.  At Merlotte‘s, we serve dat sauce over rice.  Dem necks love dat.  You probably could throw it on some homemade mashed potatoes, too.  Dat sauce be so good, it really don’t matter what ya put it on (wink, wink).  Now if you servin’ any Maenads, watch out . . . dey go off when dey eat wild game.  They be punchin’ and kickin’ each other, and dat’s before they be havin’ relations all over Bon Temps.  If you just servin’ vampires, you should be safe – I don’t think dey do anything too wild after eating’ game.  If you servin’ necks, ya gotta watch dem no matter what ya servin’ – they be on that liquor and ya just neva know what dey gon do next.

Until next time, ma peoples, keep it real and keep it 100.  Ya boy gots stuff to do and you best believe I’m finna handle up on dat.

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(Photo credit: Prosenghisi)

(Photo credit: HBO)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

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August 25th, 2009:

Lafayette’s Famous Natchitoches Meat Pies

Now I know by now, you all done heard about Maryann and her meat pie recipe. Yeah, Hookah, your boy Lafayette can throw down in the kitchen. Honey-child, now you know Sam Merlotte wasn’t looking high and low for me for no reason.. I know how to put it down in the kitchen, among other places, if you catch my drift. Bon Chika Wow Wow – A Wow Wow … I got a recipe for some meat pies to die for.  Bon Temps is not too far from Natchitoches, Louisiana and child, that’s the best meat pies anywhere in Renard Parish. They’ll make ya want to slap ya mama. I used to make them pies for Sookie and Tara when we was coming up.

You can add just about any old kind of meat you find – you can even pick up something on your morning run and bring it home and cook it up. Me? I like my meat thick and juicy, just like I like my mens.

Lafayette’s Famous Natchitoches Meat Pies

Da Filling

2 tablespoons of butter
1/2 pound of ground pork (hot or mild)
1/2 lb ground beef (or whatever you can catch hopping through Bon Temps)
1/2 cup chopped red bell pepper
1/2 cup chopped onion
1/4 cup of diced celery
1/2 cup of chopped green bell pepper
3 cloves of minced garlic (unless you are having vampires at your affair)
2 tablespoons of Worcestershire sauce
1 tablespoon of hot sauce
Creole seasoning/salt/pepper to taste
1/2 cup beef stock
1/8 cup all-purpose flour

Now you know your boy has to heat things up in the kitchen – and anywhere else he goes – so when I make my meat pies, I use a large cast iron skillet. That’s how my mama and Lettie Mae taught me how to burn. Take that skillet and slap da butter into it and let it get good and hot. Then what you want to do is add the meat (the bigger the meat, the better), onion, celery, bell peppers, and garlic and sprinkle on that Creole seasoning until it cooks to a gloriously delicious consistency. Child, I hear Maryann has a secret ingredient in her pies and word on those Bon Temps streets, is that part of her secret ingredient is a fine mixture of the beef stock and flour. Heaven only knows what the other part is. It must be something good to get Tara going like that. Mix those together and throw that in the pot and bring to a boil. Cook for about 5 minutes and don’t stop stirring it. Push dat aside and let it cool. Child, you got better thangs to do like making the dough.


Da Dough

4 cups all purpose flour
2 teaspoons of iodized salt
1 teaspoon of baking powder
1/2 cup of shortening
1 egg
1 cup of milk

Okay, hookah, get to mixin’ that dough. Mix the flour, salt and baking powder together and then slap the shortening in the mix along with the egg and milk. Work it into a dough and work it good. Make love to da dough. I ain’t afraid to get my hands dirty – your boy would be all up in that dough. Cut it in half and roll it out to about 1/8 of an inch thick. Cut it into 5 inch circles. Child, now that the fun part’s out of the way, get ready to really heat up that kitchen. If you want to really heat things up, put on your thong and gets to workin’ it up in there. Roll your hips and drop it like it’s hot. Now gets to cookin’ – you got guests to serve!

Cook the Pies

Place 1 heaping tablespoon of the cooled meat mixture in each circle. Fold over the pie and crimp the edges with a fork. Set aside the pies while you really heat things up – in a dutch oven that is – you want to heat about 4 inches of cooking oil in it to about 360 degrees. Fry a couple of pies at a time – you can remove them from the pot once they are brown on both sides. If you are like me, you’ll have to keep Terry and Arlene out of them. Those two fools love to sample stuff while I’m making it. Every once in a while they disappear and come back with that silly look on their faces. Child, I don’t even much need to do what those two mofos are up to behind Merlotte’s. Lord knows it’s probably something I have been guilty of doing a time or two.

Now that you got your pies cooked up, you can put on your reddest lipstick, your highest heels and your flashiest scarf and serve them pies at least at body temperature. They can be served for appetizers or at parties. If you have vampires attending your affair, you will want to take it easy on the garlic. Otherwise, it’ll have a lot of flava like your boy, but it won’t be good for your guests. If you get any complaints, just tell ‘em what I told that table full of rednecks. You come in my house, you gonna eat my food the way I fix it … Bon Appetit!

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(Photo credit: Kimberly Vardeman)

Graphics Creation Credits: Steven Easterly

Disclaimer: These recipes are provided for entertainment and culinary purposes only and should be made by ordinary humans only with ordinary ingredients.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  What’s Cookin’ and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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