Ask Dr. L – Answers to Some Hairy Questions!

January 17, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

January 17th, 2010

Greetings Dr. L,

My husband Frederick, a college biology professor, and I have been married 22 years very happily. Last fall, he was made into a vampire by this student of his. It’s just totally scrambled our very mellow, joyful life! We love each other so much that we’re trying to adjust. He’s taken up researching bats and I’ve moved to the night shift at the hospital where I work and I sneak out fresh blood as often as possible. Of course, he still has to feed the normal way and hes’ tried that ‘True Blood’ everyone’s talking about but just doesn’t like it. At first, I
wouldn’t let him bite me at all and that was perhaps a mistake. After all, if you only taste one flavor of blood you don’t know there’s anything else out there. Just like waiting for sex to get married.. yes?

Anyway, he’s now found that he loves B negative blood. The problem is, my blood is A positive! Oh.. he tries to act like it’s great but after more than 20 years of marriage I can tell his heart isn’t in it. Whatever can we do?

Is it possible to get a full body blood transplant? Maybe have that leukemia treatment to kill off my bone marrow and then get it all transplanted? My girlfriend suggested splashing a little B neg on my neck while my catty aunt Melissa thinks he’s just hinting at a menage a trois! The very idea! What do you suggest?

Sanguin in Seattle

PS that uppity student got his.. not only did dear Frederick fail his sorry butt but when I’m bored I find where he sleeps and douse the place with minced garlic!

Dear Sanguin,

First of all, per your PS, I like your style! Dousing the lousy vamp who caused all this hubub with minced garlic is priceless- and I plan to steal your idea and say it was my own. Hey, my advice here is free, so it is rather tit for tat, no?

Now, down to your query. This is indeed a delicate and difficult issue. First off, I will nix the idea of the blood transplant right off. I can see how much you love your husband, and your nobility goes above and beyond. But the fact is, my dear, he is now a vampire. There is not a one of them in the whole lot on earth worth putting yourself through such agony for. Trust me- I’ve seen many, many of these vile creatures over the years, and I wouldn’t cross the street to stop one from being staked myself. You have to understand, he is not the man you married. Although after 20 years, most men are NOT the same, vampire or no. But I digress.

Splashing B neg in your neck might work for a bit, but since he is a biology professor, I suspect he’d catch on sooner, rather than later. And though aunt Melissa may sound catty, he is a man, and again, vampire or no, the idea of a menage a trois is just something males cannot help lusting after. So I say don’t get him used to something you’d have to keep up (no pun intended…).

I believe you might want to invest in my latest invention for this very purpose. It is a very small, discreet tube you can attach to your neck with two ends at the top. At the bottom, which you cleverly hide on your person, you attach a vile of whichever blood type is preferred- in your case, B negative. Then, when he gets into the throes of passion, you simply make sure his viper fangs sink into the tubes, instead of your neck, and he can get the blood flavor of his dreams from you. Trust me, it works. Men in the throes of passion can be made to quack like a duck, if you ask them to.

And lucky you! My product is new on the market, and I am selling it at a new, introductory price, which I cannot disclose here. I will send you the details privately. I know you will be happy with the results. Though why any sane, intelligent woman would even want to hang on to a damned vampire is beyond me.

Hello Dr. L,
Fairly recently, after an extended ‘apprenticeship’ I was turned into a vampire. So far it’s been everything I was promised it would be but there’s only one small toothsome problem. You see, when I was alive, I never lost the right canine baby tooth. The dentist said there just wasn’t another one up there. He said it’s a problem seen more and more frequently as people’s faces get smaller.. Anyway, the problem is that I only have one fang as well! Not only do I have to suck twice as hard to get the nutrition that I need or feed twice as long.. but it causes a horrible lisp and instead of being properly terrified of me they see one
fang and simply burst into laughter! I can’t take much more of this humiliation! Is there anything that can be done? I swear if I don’t find a solution soon I may end up going to Virginia, my family lives there, and sitting on the beach there to await sunrise.

Toothless Tom

To Toothless Tom

Although I am not a dentist, I can assure you there are many of the dental persuasion who are not above doing such disgusting things as implanting a vampire fang for the right price. Modern medicine has come a long way, and I understand you could get such work done, including the high end models that actually have gold plating. If you want information on such dentists, you may send me a referral fee, and I will, indeed, refer you to one of the dentists who do such work.

On the flip side, Virginia beaches are beautiful at sunrise. Think about it.

Dr. L Baby!

Allow me to introduce myself, I’m a lounge singer namma Leisure Suit Larry.. maybe you’ve heard of me? Everyone has. They love my polyester suits and my mellow songs about raindrops and butterflies. I’ve performed all over the east coast in some of your classier dives. The women just LOVE me. I get more free drinks than you can imagine and my pick of women still in the bar at the end of the night. More importantly (hard to imagine something more important than that eh?) I’m the most awesome new werewolf ever!

I was sleepin on the boardwalk in Atlantic City one night.. that would be ON the boardwalk not under it. Just takin’ a nap between shows ya know.. and this big hairy homeless guy was pawin through my coat pocket and drinking my cocktail when I woke up. I swear he was lapping it like a DOG, how unhygienic! Well I just hit a high C to drive him off (ignore those reports that I was screamin like a
little girl.. I swear those folks are just J E A L O U S!) but I so startled him that he bit my hand that was holding the drink. I dropped that martini glass right down off the boardwalk onto the rocks below and you know that came out of my tipjar!

Of course I had to call the police, and the press. Maybe you saw my picture on CNN? Not my best shot honey but I think that bite really got some sympathy tail if you know what I mean.. anyway.. a few days go by and I start sprouting hairs in all kinda of new places. Then one night I found myself looking out through the skylight at the joint I was playing and I couldn’t help myself.. just started howling! The crowd loved it but I had to beat feet because they all started to look.. like prey.

Anyway that night I realized I’d become a werewolf and I’ve been happy as a dog in a pile of bones except for one little thing… seems every time I turn into a werewolf I have the worst case of a bad hair day! It all just stands on end for an hour after I get out of those human clothes and the shocks when opening doors or touching the TV are unimaginable! Really, it’s enough to make me want to shave my whole body-which would take a bloody long time! It’s really taking the zip out of my hard drive if you get my drift..

Can you help me Doc?
Signed LSL


God, could you possibly be more disgusting? I do my level best to avoid people (?) like you at all costs- and yet you manage to find me anyhow.


But, being the kind, benevolent, caring doctor that I am known to be, I have to take your creepy, yet somewhat legitimate question to heart, and at least try to answer with my usual compassion.

I do have some expertise in laser hair removal. Believe me when I tell you not every doctor is going to offer such service to a werewolf, as it would be at least a two, maybe three day procedure. I can set up an appointment for you later this month, but you have to sign a document guaranteeing you will NOT consider me prey. That would suck big time. Though I have never had such a procedure done myself, I understand there is a teeny, tiny level of pain involved. OK, there may be a LOT of pain involved for you, wolfman, but if you want pain meds, that will cost extra. I am not a drug dealer.

Other than that, I hear those Nads thingies from Australia work pretty well. Of course, you’d have to have about a million of them, so my work just may be cheaper. Let me know what you decide.

But either way, you might stop wearing those synthetic fiber suits! You’re building up huge amounts of static electricity and you’re likely to start a damn fire!

Oh, and one more thing, I will not forget that you, Leisure Suit Larry, had the audacity to refer to me as “Dr L Baby”. Grrrrrrrrrr……

Dear Dr. L.,

I do have a question that’s worried me since I delved into the world of vampires, the two-natured, and other assorted supernatural beings. Why on earth do vampires and werewolves/other weres/shapeshifters hate each other? Shouldn’t supes stick together, at least against certain mortals who would do them harm?

Can’t we all just get along?

Sign me,
Morbidly Curious

Dear Morbid,
Are you trying to put me out of business? Do you know how much of my annual income is directly from fights among the supes? There aren’t many of us in the medical profession, particularly of my extremely specialized skills, who will work on things like vampires, werewolves, shifters, and the silly humans who hang around with them. As long as the strife and fighting continues, I will be able to continue living in the style I have become accustomed to, and I will be able to play cougar and sugar mama to the hunky younger men I seem to attract. If everyone suddenly started getting along, I’d be just another doctor in the quickly approaching universal health care system. I’d probably have to start living in just one house, instead of my three- or is it four? Ah, it’s so hard to keep track of such things.

So, brownie points noted for your naive thoughts of us all getting along. Years ago, a guy in Los Angeles named Rodney King spouted this kind of drivel, and look where he is now!

Wise up, Curious!

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.