Ask Dr. L – Babes and Bikes

June 11, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

June 10th, 2010

Hi Lady L!

So, um, I waz wunderin’ what would happen to a shifter if it got turned into a vampire?  Like could it still shift? Could it uze its vampire magic while it was an animal?  If it gotz bit when it waz an animal, would it be stuck in that form?  Like could we really see a legit vampire bat?  Dat would be awesomes.  Same questions, but for a werewolf.

Hit me back with the answers,

Big Daddy Frank

Hey, Big Daddy, (ugh- excuse me while I gag!)

Just when I think the questions here cannot get any more inane and silly, here  you come to prove me wrong. Wow, is about all I can say on that score. Not only is this a ridiculous question- to which the simple answer is “No”, but you are an idiot. You are proof positive that our school system is going up in flames. Your grammar is abominable-  “Ya know, like da Big Foot guy.”
Do us all a favor and shut the hell up.

Hey Doctor Ludwig,

I know you hate vampires.  I do too.  They are just trying to lure us humans into a false sense of security.  History has taught us that conquerors usually come bearing messages of peace.  So I thought of a way that we could protect ourselves even more.  Since you are the expert, could you tell us which of the traditional literary vampire traits that actually have, and what their weaknesses are?  For example, in literature, vampires don’t appear in photographs, yet real vampires do.  Can you shed some light on which of the myths the vampires actually started, so we know what will work and what won’t?


Henrietta Hawthorne, Devout Servant of the Fellowship of the Sun

Dear H.H.,

Well, this is an interesting dichotomy. While I do hate vampires, and if it were not for my need for the use of their powerful blood in the form of V, I would wish them obliterated from the planet, to be sure. But I like to call myself an equal opportunity hater, as I hate, loathe, despise the ignorance and stupidity of your Fellowship of the Sun, too. You are all a bunch of fanatics, who should scare the crap out of everyone.

So, if you think I am going to answer your sneaky question to help aid your holier than thou bunch of hypocrites- think again.

Hi Dr. L,

I’m sooooo excited.  I just got asked out by a shifter who is soooooo cute.  I’ve wanted to go out with him for a long time, but he was all embarrassed to ask me because you know….he’s a shifter.  But I have one problem that I’m sooooo worried about:  His main animal form is a dog.  I’m allergic to dogs.  Like, so allergic that I break out and sometimes need to go to the ER.  Since I don’t know exactly how the genetics of a shifter work, would I still be allergic to him, if we were to say…get intimate…even if he was still in human form?  That would be such a bummer if I would.


Allergen Alice

Alice, dear- in an effort to put this as gently as I possibly can, you are screwed. Well, maybe not yet, but if you are, you WILL be screwed, as the allergens often tend to remain on the shifter, even in human form. Since you don’t seem to be the type who would understand scientific lingo, suffice it to say that the shifter is the person, and the person is the shifter, all the time. Plus, there is the added possibility that in the throes of passion, a shifter in human form can turn.

Give it up, Alice- leave this particular Wonderland alone.

Hi Dr. L,

I’m a newly made vampire.  Not by choice.  I also don’t know a lot about vampires, or being a vampire.  When I was made, my son was six years old.  I kind of considered turning him so that I would have him forever.  I couldn’t stand to see him grow old and die.  But, I decided it wouldn’t be fair to him, so I’m not going to do it.  But thinking about it made think of a strange question.  Since he is six, if he was turned, would he still lose his baby teeth?  Would he have baby fangs? Would he get fangs at all?  I mean I’m also learning so much about what kind of supernaturals,who knows, maybe the tooth fairy is real.

Momma V

So much for the loving mother’s instinct, if you can even entertain such a thought. The only reason I am not sending my people to hunt you down and take the child away is that you did not willingly become a blood sucking night crawler, and that you did change your mind. If I get a whiff of anything else, I WILL find you.

As to your query, he would stay exactly as he is, and his fangs would be of appropriate size and dimension. And what do you mean “maybe” the tooth fairy is real?

“Sup Dr. L,

I’m a member of the Dark Angels, we’re a Harley gang that love to drink, fight and make sweet love to our really hot biker babes. So hey, last year we had this bad ass vamp who joined up and recently the whole gang got turned to a kick ass group of vamps. It’s really awesome! We can ride our hogs as crazy as we wanna since we don’t have to worry bout dyin and all that. Even some of the babes decided to move to the dark side. if you know what I mean.. heh. Sos things are chuggin along, we got ourselves so sweet fang bangers who are almost like, meals on wheels man. Kinda funny though, we’ve actually had to clean up our act now that vamps are out of the coffin. That blond chick from TV is really mean if you flaunt her dang rules. Anyway, we’re copin with that. Only thing that’s been bummin us out is that every time we get a new tat it keeps disappearing! Takes a couple a days but still.. really annoying.  What’s going on with that? What we gonna do to fix it? Bikers with no tats is just WOOSIE. Know what I’m sayin?

Batty about Bikes

I love the feel of riding a big monster Harley at hair raising speeds. Used to be a bit of a biker chick myself. That is the only reason I am even replying to you, by the way, as you are still stinking vampires.

As you now know, vampires heal rather rapidly, which includes evaporating tattoos. May I suggest the stick on types? I hear there are some cute Hello Kitty designs.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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