Ask Dr. L — All in the Family

September 21, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

September 20, 2010

So Dr. L,

I’m kinda confused by the whole “making” a vampire thing or what did they call them, “prodginey?”  Eric even said, “the only vampire you can trust is the one you made.”   Is it vampire law or just the way vampires work that they can only make one vampire?  Like can Bill make another vampires now that he has Jessica?  If Jessica were to die can he make another?  Franklin also mentioned making Tara his bride, is the bride the same as a child?  Lots of weird relationships going on when it comes to the fangs.

-Genalogical Gary

Dear GG,

First of all, did you mean “progeny“? Because for the life of me, I can’t figure out what a “prodginey” is… Sheesh!
OK, now that we’ve had a spelling lesson, let me address your question. I personally feel this idea of vampires only being able to make one evil spawn of themselves is just to lull humans into feeling safer than they really are. In fact, I can see no reason that these foul creatures could not turn as many people as they had the opportunity to. I think they just don’t do it very often, because the unlucky folks they bite are just a food source to them, so they suck them dry and let them die. Ooooohhhh! I made a rhyme!
I am happy you brought up dear Tara. Such a beautiful girl, and a veritable punching bag for weird male partners! Poor girl. I wish she’d come see me for some much needed counseling, and perhaps a little of my Kung Fu training as well. Tara dear, if you’re reading this, call me.
Oh, and no, a bride is not the same as a child- unless she is a child bride- and that cracks open doors I have no intention of going through…

Hey Dr. L,

Okay so seeing Tommy changing into a dog for dog fighting, although awful, really got me thinking:  What other types of things do shifters do to be profitable?  Like is everything we see at a zoo a shift?  Do shifters run Sea World and are the dolphins really shifters and that’s why they can do all those cool tricks?  The circus lions?  Shifters too?  I mean if not, you and I should cash in on this and work with all the shifters in the land.  Can you imagine the success?

-Seeing Dollar Signs

Dear Dollar Sign,

I wonder just what you smoked or ingested before you asked me a question such as this. Did you get your hands on some illegal “V“? First of all, there isn’t a snowball’s chance in Tahiti that “you and I” will ever cash in on anything together.
As for real animals vs shifters, the less you and the rest of humanity know, the better. I fear these creatures are exploited enough, without the likes of Seeing Dollar Signs getting involved. The nerve!!  Get a job- I hear McD’s is hiring…

Dr. Ludwig,

Do you know whether or not the military accepts supernaturals into their ranks? I know that the supernaturals have skills and abilities that I’m sure can make the military an effective fighting force. But, I also know that some of the supernaturals can be rather unstable. Do you know the official stance?
Thank you ma’am,

Recruit Valesquez

Hello, young Recruit,

This is quite an interesting query. As you may know, I am involved in many highly sensitive government projects, including the military. So I am not at liberty to fully answer your question. But I will say this much, our military deserves our respect, our support, our highest regard, and super top quality rations, such as Kibbles N Bits and raw meat…

Whas’up D to the R to the L,

So my question goes a little something like this: What do the vampers do for Halloween? Like to me, it would seem like a little cliché for them to be outs and abouts. They are like Halloween all year round, wouldn’t it be a bit much for them to be all like Gothic on the one day a year its social acceptable and all that jazz? It’d be like putting chocolate syrup on a chocolate ice cream. Too much of a good thing yo. Maybe vampers dress up like normal humans? That would High-Lair-E-Us.

-Steve

Steve,

I’d like to offer you a courtesy consult with me to do a CAT scan to determine whether you actually have two brain cells to rub together. Trust me when I tell you, this is an offer not to be declined, as it would cost thousands of dollars. The trade off would be that I have total use of the results to use in my teaching, as proof that humans CAN live without a brain…
As for vampires and Halloween, that is pretty much any and every day for them, what with the blood running out of their eyes, no breath, no heartbeat, ice cold skin, and so on. So yes, their trying to pass themselves off as “normal” humans would be a real scream.
But what is wrong with chocolate syrup on chocolate ice cream?

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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  • jackie

    Dr. Ludwig:

    You treat such unusual patients (and do a damn good job I might add) I would like to know were you went to medical school and were you served your internship.

    Thank you.

  • Gilbert

    Dear Dr L:
    There’s something I’ve never understood. I know that Sam can turn into a dog, and I’ve seen him turn into a bull. Guessing that Sam weighs about 170lbs, and the dog form weighs at most 30, where does the extra 140 lbs go? As for the bull, I’m guessing it weighs maybe 1200 lbs, so where does the extra mass come from, and where does it go when he changes back?

    Puzzled,

    Gilbert