Ask Dr. L – Halloween Edition

November 2, 2009 by  


For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

November 1st, 2009

Dear Dr.Ludwig I understand that vampires cannot have children but my question is do they still have sperm? Of course the sperm would not be able to impregnate a woman but when they orgasm would it still come out…no pun intended.

Just Curious

Dear Curious,

Let me guess- you have a lot of time on your hands, don’t you? Maybe a bit too much time to think of such silly questions as this one? And on top of that, you don’t get out a lot, either, I’ll bet. So, in an effort to simplify my responses, I will say: Yes. Enough said. This is a waste of my medical degree. Go away and find a blow up doll or something to amuse yourself.


Dr. L


Dear Dr. L

With all the other Dr. shows on TV daily (The Doctors, Dr. Oz, Dr. Phil) why hasn’t Dr. Ludwig been given her own show on HBO? We need Dr. Ludwig at least once a week! There are just so many unknowns out there now that vampires have crawled out of the ground and we’re hearing rumors of ‘shape shifters’ (heaven only KNOWS what those are) and I swear I saw a werewolf the other day! I thought to myself, that’s just not possible.. or is it? It’s Halloween you know.. maybe just a kid in a suit. But anyway, the public is clamoring for answers to how all these odd creatures function and Dr. L seems to be the only one with answers! What can we do to help get such a show on the air?

Pensive in Pennsylvania

Dearest Pensive,

Well, aren’t you the smartest, sweetest, most clever person I have heard from in a long time! This is such a splendid idea, I don’t know why I haven’t thought of it myself. OK, so I have thought of it, and HBO now has a restraining order…but I digress.

I think these TV “doctors” are all hype. The only ones I watch are Dr. Oz, because he’s an excellent colleague- and he’s HOT, and Dr. Ruth, because she and I are quite alike. No smart ass remarks.

I completely agree, I would be a refreshing addition to the television scene, sharing my supreme knowledge of vampires, werewolves, shapeshifters, telepaths, supes of all kind- as well as the rather garden variety humans. Thank you, darling. I get the sense you are a man, and if I didn’t already have a boyfriend, I would give you a big kiss, show you my appreciation in some way.

Hear that, HBO???

Dr. L


Hi Dr. L!

I am so glad that you were able to save Sookie when she was clawed. What I was wondering…since Bill drinks from Sookie on a regular basic….why didn’t he catch on that there was something different about her??? MaryAnn knew it from the first meeting. Is it because Bill is relatively young (for a vampire) or is it something else?

Also is there any way a Vampire can have offspring with a human, or any other being for that matter.

Thank you so much for your valuable time.

Debbie in Dallas

Dear Debbie,

As to your second question, please refer to my exhaustive replies to this query in previous questions. Vampires are DEAD, honey, and dead things can’t reproduce- no matter how clever they seem to be.

And Sookie- such a sweet girl, to be so entangled with vampires. She’s in trouble, getting hurt, beat up, something or other all the time, she now has me on speed dial, bless her heart. I was glad to save her, too.

As for why Bill didn’t realize something was different- it’s an age old fact, darlin’- males are males, no matter the species. Now I am not saying they don’t have a relationship of some sort, though for the life of me I can’t understand that, but males are often, if not always, blinded by lust and sex. Sookie could have had pure garlic juice running through her veins, and Bill barely would have noticed, although I hear he did warn her to stop eating it (she double checked with me because she really misses Merlotte’s garlic bread poor thing!). You getting my drift, dear?

As for Maryann- I could have offed her MUCH faster than they did…

BTW, did you have a very short movie career.. your name seems familar…

Dr. L


Hello Dr. L

Are there vampire slayers with preternatural strength? Are there any other supernatural creatures that hunt vampires?

Steve N. in Dallas

Dear Steve,

What an interesting two pronged question you pose here. Normally., I only answer one for free, and then ask you to come in for an appointment (for a fee) to reply to the other. But I feel they are similar in nature, so I will do what I can here.

The mighty Van Helsing comes to mind immediately when I ponder a response to the first part of your question. He was never given proper or due credit for his magnetism and attraction, which I found to be preternatural. I mean, I WOULD have found them so, if I had known the great man in the flesh. Now there was a slayer to be reckoned with. He feared no one, alive or undead. He walked in to places others screamed and ran from. Ah just thinking of such power and strength makes my heart race…is it hot in here, or is it just me? But as to whether or not there is some sort of cartoonish superhero flying through the air, wearing a cape and mask to slaw the blood sucking vipers, alas, no- they don’t exist. If they did, the world would be a better place for them. Van Helsing in tights and a cape? Oh my! Now, to the second part of your query, as you know, I work closely with the supernatural community, as their healer and physician. We hold a doctor client privilege, just like any other. For me to tell you who the vamp slayers are would possibly put them in unnecessary danger, and certainly blow their well devised cover. I am sure you can understand.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question!

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.