Ask Dr. L — Healthy Addiction?

February 22, 2011 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 22, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
With the flu season hitting the humans hard, most of the humans I have been dining with have had the flu vaccine in them. This has given their blood and very unique and wonderful flavor. I fear I may be getting addicted to the new flavor and have very little hope of going back to the regular flavor. I was wondering if you might know where I can get some flu vaccine to use or how I might wean myself off this new flavor?


In Perfect Health

Dear Healthy Friend,
You know, of course, that I wouldn’t care if the whole lot of you took a sunbathing vacation and obliterated yourselves, except that I need your blood for it’s healing properties. Otherwise, I would try to add some garlic juice to some flu vac and give it to you. Drat! What’s a doctor to do?
So, call me and set up an appointment. We’ll trade- your blood for a supply of flu vaccine, sans garlic. It won’t be an even trade, mind you- I have staff to pay and all. But it will be as fair as I can be with low lifeless scum.

Hi Dr. L,
Just got a quick question for ya.
Will a vampire’s fangs grow back if they are pulled out?

A Little Curious

Dear LC,
Just a quick question for you- do you actually HAVE a life? And if so, how on earth do you find the time to come up with such ridiculous questions? Jeeze Louise, give me a break!
But tell you what, you get close enough to a vamp to pull out the fangs, and then let me know. I’ll be sure to monitor the situation and get back to you.

Dear Dr. L,
My no good, lying, cheating ex-husband left me. Now, ordinarily I’d be happy. But he also left me with his seven year old son from his first marriage and who I believe might be a shape shifter. He growls in his sleep and sometimes I catch him sleepwalking and “marking his territory” inside and outside of the house in the middle of the night. What can I do for the little fellow besides putting him to bed in a big kennel every night?


The Step Mom

Dear Step,
Bravo for you getting rid of your ex. I’ve been with my share of those kinds myself, and a few of them actually survived. But I digress…
Your little gift he left behind does sound like a bit of a problem. All of the behaviors you mention are earmarks of shifters. Personally, I think the crate idea is a good one, but I am not sure the powers that be would go along with that.
Why not set up an appointment with my office and bring the little tiger in? I take cash, check and most major credit cards, and I will do the best I can to house train him for you. Oh, and would you like him to learn any cute little tricks while we are at it?

Hey Dr. L,
Something happened to my cows. I was out in the field the other day and noticed four large marks in the field, bigger than my tractor, it looked like the earth was scorched. Two days later, I discovered nearly all my cows were pregnant. Dr. L, since we inseminate our cows, there’s just no way that they could all be pregnant. Do I take a chance that the cows are carrying some sort of mutant calfs or just ship the lot of them off to the meat packing plant?

Thanks Cher,

LaRoy Thibodeaux

Dear LaRoy,
Oh come on, whre’s your sense of adventure, of joi de vivre? (that’s real French, you know). What an opportunity for scientific advancement! I personally would love to see what your cows produce, and I know many others in the medical and scientific comunity would, as well.
So please, keep me posted. And then, if they start dropping two headed creatures with big, buggy eyes, I say EVERYONE OFF TO THE MEAT PACKING PLANT. PRONTO!

Dr. L,
I just turned 13 and had the best birthday party ever. The problem was right after I blew out my birthday candles I started seeing things. At first, I thought someone spiked the punch, but nobody else seemed bothered by it. I want to tell my parents but I’m afraid they’ll send me away like they did my Granny when she said she could see other people between the lines. I didn’t know what she meant, but that’s just exactly like what I see. People between the lines, in between the colors. Does this make sense? Should I tell my parents that I see them or is there a way I can make them disappear?

Hope you can help,

Britney (that’s not my real name though okay)

Dear Britney (or not Britney- that is the question…oh, I LOVE Shakespeare!),
First of all, congratulations for living long enough to reach the age of impossibility, of angst, of self hatred and hatred of others. It’s a real milestone.
Now, as for your problem, it is not really a problem at all. I have known people like your granny (in fact, I think I knew your granny…). Maybe in less enlightened times, the rank and file felt these people were crazy. But now, everything goes. You ever watch TV and see these folks talking to dead people? They make a bundle, and have a long waiting list of people wanting to pay to see them. So I say use it, make people pay you to tell them what you are seeing. Then, when you make enough money, you can make an appointment with me, andI have an elixir to cure what ails you.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.