Ask Dr. L — Up in Smoke

November 19, 2010 by  

November 19, 2010

Dear Dr. L,

I am the mother of a beautiful, 11-year old daughter who is quite intelligent. She has always been quite interested in current events and loves to watch the news on TV. She likes Matt Lauer in the morning, Diane Sawyer at dinnertime, but she is CRAZY for Anderson Cooper of CNN’s AC360 when she goes to bed. And that is the problem! Ever since that crazy vampire, Russell Edgington ripped the spinal column out of the anchor during that infamous newscast she has had a recurring nightmare. And, there’s the problem because sometimes her dreams come true. It’s like she has a special power. And I’m wondering if you can tell me how I can help her. In her nightmare, a vampire is trying to rip poor Anderson Cooper to shreds while he is standing on a beach in a hurricane during an earthquake while miners are buried deep within the earth and are being attacked by werewolves. By the way, I don’t even think werewolves exist, do you? What do you make of her dream? Do you think she is losing her mind? Should we warn Anderson?


Mother of a Newsie

Dear Mother,

I can understand your concern. Having a child who is addicted to the news must be a terrible burden to bear. I can’t even turn the crazy stuff on without getting sick to my stomach. Personally, I find FOX news the most horrific of all. I have nightmares myself, of having to say the words, “President Palin”. But then, that wasn’t really your concern, was it?

If you want to believe there are no werewolves and vampires, please go indulge yourself. I won’t try to stop you. Russell Edgington was not real, and he did not do what your daughter thinks she saw (wink, wink). And even if he were real, Anderson Cooper might be a target for him, but not as someone to rip a spinal column out of…do you get my drift, here, Mumsie?

Hope this helps. If not, you may make an appointment and bring your “prophetic” daughter to see me.

Dear Dr. L,

I come from a military family. Generations of my family on both sides have served in the military. My parents have decorated their home in red, white and blue and camouflage. My mother is crazy about all things patriotic. My one and only brother served in the Gulf War and came home suffering from PTSD really bad. For a long time he really didn’t have any good relationships, but in the last few months he met and moved in with a really nice waitress from the bar where he’s a cook. She has a few kids that he’s crazy about, and they’re expecting a baby. My mom wants to give them a shower with a “military” theme. She’d like everyone to bring the baby military type toys (guns, tanks, camo outfits, etc.). She thinks it will be cute and will encourage the baby to follow the in the “family business.” I’ve told her that given my brother’s experience in the war, this is a bad idea but she won’t listen. What can I do?


Army Brat

Dear Brat,

Let me ask you something- have you ever thought of running away from your crazy mother and family? This sound like a trip. Bringing guns and ammo to a baby shower- unreal.

I do treat people with PTSD. A few of them make it. So if you want to bring your brother in, I take cash, check and major credit cards. I can pretty much assure your nusto mother that a baby shower theme like she is planning may send the SWAT team to the house…

But hey, it sounds like a kick in the pants. If you do it, please invite me!

Dear Dr. L,

I am really in love with my new vampire boyfriend. I mean REALLY in love. How badly will it hurt him if I tie him up with silver chains? I don’t want to lose him.


The Old Ball and Chain

Dear OBC,

You are new to my column, aren’t you? Otherwise, you would know I don’t give a rat’s patoot how much this might hurt your boyfriend! But hey, if you don’t want to lose him, why not give it a try? I’ll make a free house call- really!-I’ll even bring the popcorn!

Dear Dr. L

I am a new vampire and so is my girlfriend. We have kind of gotten into some rough sex practices. Nothing too serious, and of course, we heal right away. But we were wondering, can we bite each other? We don’t dare ask our makers?


Vamp on Vamp

Dear Vamps,

As if you and your kind did not already disgust me enough to make me puke, now you ask me about your kinky sex practices! Sheesh!

Go ahead- bite each other. If it causes a problem, call me. I only charge vampires triple my usual fee.

Komon ou ye, Dr. L?

I lives jest outside o’ Bon Temps in a little place I laik to call my gator motel. It ain’t pretty but the roof doan leak.. much! LOL Now heah las’ week I was cleanin out the crawdad trap when dis heah cat da size of a pony comes runnin’ up. I thought I was a seein’ stuff like before when I was in da war back in da sixties. I swear I ain’t teched none o dat whacky tabacki in 40 years, and I haint touched the V since them folks over at Hot Shot been actin out all da times. I knows swamp gaz can sometimes do funny stuff ta ya. It ain’t that I nevah seen a panther down heah. But I nevah seen one dat stopped ta check out ma catch. Dat cat stuck it’s claw down in da bucket I had them ‘dads in and let one grab her claw and then flipped it in the air and et it down whole. I swear, she winked at me then runs off. I knows yer normally doan handle us jes plain vanilla folk but does ya think I be couyon?


What’s up, G?
(I always wanted to say that!)

Well, your query is the most interesting in this batch. First of all, to refer to yourself as “plain vanilla folk” made me roll on the floor and laugh my a$# off! You have not seen this side of normal in many a moon, if ever, my friend!

As for your cat the size of a pony who grabbed your ‘dad and et it down whole- get used to it. Living around Hot Shot you are likely to see almost anything. There are lots of rumors of odd creatures down there that even I haven’t seen. Plus I heard they had a big bust up that way not long ago and burned some serious crops harvests, if you get my drift. And even if you don’t get my drift my guess is you could have gotten the drift from the ‘barn burning’ that went on. Either that cat was real, super real you might say, and you really saw her, or there was a little extra in that swamp gas this week. I have no help for whichever one is true.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.