Ask Dr. L — Tis the Season

December 20, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

December 20, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
My dear husband and I are normal, elderly folks. We don’t smoke, drink (well … maybe a little now and then) or smoke wackyweed. We are law abiding, upstanding citizens.
Unfortunately, about 3 years ago we happened to have HBO and saw a show on a Sunday night that we thought we might like. As a matter of fact, we REALLY like the show. I mean, We REALLY really like the show!
The show is named True Blood. Have you ever heard of it? It has a pretty little telepath, a couple or 3 knockout vampires, some hot werewolves and awesome shapeshifters.
Now our problem is this. The show only lasts about 4 months at the time. And … we have become … adicted. Adicted to the show and the cast and the writers and the crew and the websites and the – well you get the picture.
PLEASE! Dr. L. Can you help us?
Yours truly,
Grannie for 7

Dear G7,
(sounds rather like a disease…or one of those useless political summits),
I lead a very full, busy life, and have very little time for frivolous things like TV shows- and little patience for those who become addicted to them. BUT, in this case, you may not realize that our little town, Bon Temps, is not just a work of fiction. Having treated Miss Sookie Stackhouse myself, I can tell you she is very real, as is her vampire boyfriend and that awful sheriff vampire, Eric. (One of these days, he and I will have a showdown…).
Anyhow, I hear often that people are in despair that the show revolving around our town is only on four months. Please, think of those of us being followed by those TV people, cameras, etc. We need a break, my friend!
As for your addiction, I do treat people in my office who are addicted to those slimy vampires. So please, call my office and set up an appointment. I take cash, check and most major credit cards. I’ll have you and Gramps vampire free in, oh about 15 or 20 visits. (ka ching…)

Hi Dr. L,
I’m currently dating a vampire, who has promised me he would stick “true” to only drinking “True Blood.” He knows that I’m very finicky when it comes to my own blood and he has pledged to never drink my blood without my permission. I also am a very pure girl who wants to wait until the perfect moment before…giving…myself to him. Therefore, ruling those two things out, and given the time of year….do you have any thoughts on what I can get my vampire-beaux for Christmas? I don’t really know what else they need or want…

-Secret Santa

Dear Secret,
Reading your letter makes me realize people must really fall off of turnip trucks. Either that, or there is an outbreak of stupid going around. Methinks it might be the latter…
First of all, who believes any promises from lying vampires? To believe he will stick to True Blood, well, that’s like asking pigs to stay out of mud. Ain’t gonna happen. Not to ruin your fantasy, or anything,Pollyanna, but there are plenty of Fangbangers out there ready and willing to stick their necks out (among other things) to quench your vampire boy’s lust.
So, my True advice for you is, give him a nice silver neck chain for Christmas…

Greetings Dr. L,
I’m a HR rep for my corporation. One of our crews has a night shift, and since we are an Equal Opportunity Employer, we hired a vampire who seems more than qualified to complete the job set required of him. However, he has recently inquired about health benefits and I was unsure of how to respond, considering that they are technically dead. I was wondering if perhaps you knew of any other organizations that have run into this problem and if there is any sort of literature on the subject.
Thank you!

HR Holly

Dear HRH,
This is an excellent question, and I am glad you brought it to me. Though it does seem highly unlikely a dead creature would need any medical attention, they actually DO now and then. This also applies to the shifters, weres, faeries, and otherworldly beings.
The most important question you need to ask is, WHO will treat these beings in their times of need? Again, I am glad you asked. Well, OK, so I asked, but nevertheless…let me reassure you that I, Dr. Ludwig, am the gold standard in treating any and all of the above mentioned folks, so I would be delighted to be contracted to your company as their healthcare provider. My fees may be just a teeny, tiny bit higher…OK, so they are a LOT higher, but who else is going to risk treating something that could wipe them out with one bite? But I am not afraid of any vampire- or other creature of the night- or day. Call me.

Dr. L — I need your help! I’m a teenager and well…I recently turned into a cat. I mean,obviously I’m back as a human, but I’m really hoping that the explanation was that I’m a shifter. My parents never mentioned anything…so I don’t know. But that’s not the point. I told my boyfriend and he was a little freaked out, but he told me that despite this new development he never wants me to “change.” Well I can’t help but change…it’s what I do!!! Is there anyway I can save my love life?

-Sadface Shifter

Dear Miss Kitty,
First off, I think your boyfriend is lacking in imagination. I know I have dressed up as a cat in my little love play scenarios, and it has been wildly popular. But we won’t go there…
There are some rather intricate, involved treatments one can undergo- at my clinic of course (I take cash, check and major credit cards) to stop or at least lessen the frequency of shifting events. If you are interested, give my office a call.
But personally, I would just go with it. Cats see more action than most humans (well, excluding moi, of course..). Where do you think the term “catting around” came from? And you can easily climb trees, feel the wind in your whiskers as you run free, eat all the sushi you want- I say, have kitty litter will travel!

I’m a Werewolf and for obvious reasons I live out in the country to try to stay away from people in case I can’t control my changing. There are a couple of farms out there. There are also some REAL wolves that are attacking live stock and I swear I have nothing to do with it. But the local farmers are ready to beat down my door like I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Any ideas on how I can clear my name?

Weary Were

Dear Weary Were,
I have heard this same story many times. Of course, the wild wolves are only trying to survive. Yet, those farmers, usually rednecks, are ready to shoot the ass off of a poor wolf for trying to feed her family (yes, it is usually the female who does the hunting and feeding- lazy males!). Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these trigger happy farmers put out into the wild to fend for themselves, naked, no food or water, no guns (except if I had to see them naked, I’d probably wish I’d put Drano in my eyes instead) and let the wolves chase them around for a few days.
But none of this answers your query. I suggest you move on over to my area- like near Bon Temps. The area is thick with your kind- you’ll fit right in.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.