Ask Dr. L — New Year New You

January 7, 2011 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

January 7, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
Please HELP! My parents are way strict. I’m home schooled and the only time I can get away from them is when they let me go on church youth group outings to witness to non-believers in other towns.
Well, two weeks ago I knocked on this one lady’s door and she invited me in and I thought she was really nice. She listened to everything I had to say. Heck, she listened so long that I parched myself out! I know it’s wrong, but I couldn’t help it and when she offered me a glass of sweet tea, I accepted. Even though we’re told not to accept anything from the unclean, the tea tasted wonderful.
Now though, I think maybe I was poisoned or something. Ever since that day, I been feeling real happy, I mean even when mama asks me to rub her feet, I’m happy. It doesn’t bother me at all like it used to. That’s not the bad part though, the worst part is I keep having to hide my sheets!!
Every night I dream I am shooting fire from my fingertips and the fire just zaps anyone who told me I couldn’t do something that day, into a pile of ash while I laugh. I’m always happy when I wake up, till I look down and see scorch marks where my fingers are lying on the sheets.
Dr. L, please, please tell me I’m not a witch or something. I just know my family would burn me at the stake or drown me if I am.
How can I stop burning my sheets without being going back to being miserable again?

Sad I’m So Happy

Dear Sad..or is it Happy?
Seems you’re from a really religious family. My ideas about organized religions of any type likely do not mesh with yours. But that being said, I will do my best to answer your questions. Short answer: Yes, you got zapped by the tea. Those pesky witches really like to play with religious folks. Maybe it’s some form of payback for the burning at the stake and drowning thing, you think? And it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, as I think you all are a bunch of overzealous fanatics.
To tell you the truth, I was a bit concerned over your statement about the need to change your sheets every day. Though you did not indicate this, I sense you are a young male person. And of course, being strictly religious, you are not allowed the pleasures of the flesh with someone else. So the sheet thing kind of grossed me out, till you talked about the fiery fingers. OK- I’m better now. I do have a cure for that, and you can make an appointment to come in. (I take cash, check and most major credit cards). But, as a caveat, I have to warn you, the happy goes away with the fire. Your choice.

Dr. L,
Is there such a thing as a “truth serum” for vampires? My boyfriend says he loves me, and says he doesn’t want to drink my blood but it’s irresistible to him. He tells me that it’s torture to be so close to me and not touch me, but that if I give him time he’ll prove that I can trust him not to drain me.
I told him there’s no way I can go any further unless I know he’s in this relationship for the long haul. Even though he cries bloody tears, my friends assure me that they are crocodile-vampire tears and that if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.
Dr. L, how can I be sure the vampire that I want to trust is telling the truth?

Skeptical Shelly

Dear SS,
Good girl for being skeptical. And I LIKE your friends- but they stole my favorite line, “if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.” So, rather than lead you down a very unlikely and undoubtedly expensive garden path of coming to see me for a truth serum for these vile, lying creatures, who wouldn’t know Truth if it bit them in their respective asses, I will just suggest you find another boyfriend of the breathing variety. Good luck!

Hey, Doc!
I hope you can settle a bet I got with my girlfriend. We was makin out at the bog last weekend. It was a night of pure magic, ya know, Lynyrd Skynyrd on the boom box and a case of Lone Star beer that was actually cold, thanks to the cold snap the night before. Anyway, things was going great, Mandy was dancin’ in the headlights when I noticed a movement across the water. I swear, I saw a little red haired man digging a hole or somethin. I told Mandy to look and she did, but she’s so dumb, she said she thought it was a goat. So I asked her what kinda’ goat only has two legs, and she says her uncle Billie’s goat can walk on two legs. He was even at the state fair last year. So we made a bet, is there such a thing as Leprechauns?
Please say, yes, Dr. L. Otherwise, I gotta’ wash her “unmentionables,” and trust me, after seeing her drawers, I’m ascared to find out what her “unmentionables” are. But if I win, Mandy’s gotta’ wash the four wheeler down, every time I come back from mud buggin’ for the rest of the year!

Mr. Clean

Dear Baldy (it’s a joke, in reference to Mr Clean…OK, forget it),
Is this some kind of joke? I mean, I live in an area crawling with otherworldly creatures of every ilk (that means “kind” or “sort”, by the way). And being OS less than tall stature myself, you choose to ask me about a wee type. I swear, if I find out you’re making fun of me, I will find you and slap you silly. Oh wait, you already are…again, forget it.
Clean one, there is nothing you can think of or imagine that doesn’t exist, either in this dimension or in others that they can pop in and out of to come here. So tell that gal of yours to wash her undies in the warm, soapy water she’s going to have to use to clean your 4 wheeler.
And I daresay, you say one of my kin folk- cousin Paddy. Tell him hi from Cousin Doc next time.

Dr. L,
I’m a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. My parents and my cousins and my brothers and sisters are all believers. However, last month I met a boy while I was working at Sonic. At first, I thought he was just a really good skater, like good enough to be in the Olympics or something, but then I found out he was really a Vampire! He’s really nice to me though, and when I fall behind, he always makes up my rounds and he even gives me the tips.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show next weekend. The problem is, the next morning I’m supposed to be up at four in the morning so we can go picket the Vampire Casket Company outside of Beaumont. Dr. L, will I burn in hell if I lie to my parents and tell them my sorority sisters are having another “Hello Halo” sleepover that night?


Dear Virginia,
Dear Goddess, what is going on with the religious fanatics going to the dark side this week? Not that I have any more love or respect for the Fellowship Fanatics than I do the slimy vampires, but there must be something in the water- or the tea (please read the first query).
Let me make myself clear- I hate vampires. I only tolerate them for their blood, as it has phenomenal healing qualities. I don’t trust one any further than I can throw one. But, your question as to whether or not lying to your parents, who are obviously buying lies on a daily basis if they are part of the Fellowship of the Sun, would cause you to burn in hell- no, it won’t. But spending a lot of time with a vampire might make you wish you were in hell.
Just saying.

Dear Dr. L!
OMG! OMG!! Totally Freaking Out! Been dating this one guy for three months now. Always seemed to work out on a full moon that he had to pull a double shift. Since I’m a werewolf myself, it was a relief that I never had to break a date or change plans. However, he’s just confessed that he’s a were also! I was sooo happy, until he told me he’s a were sheep! OMG, Dr. L! I’m a werewolf! Who knows? I mean, I may have eaten his mother or sister or something!! Sheep are so delectable! No wonder I’ve wanted him like no other. What am I supposed to do?! Of course, I should leave him, but I’m afraid I love him too much to let him go! But what will happen when we are both in our animal form?!

Shy but Deadly.

Dear Deadly,
A little known fact is that in addition to being a universally renowned and respected doctor to humans and supernaturals alike, I also happen to be an amazing gourmet chef. I have a superb recipe for rack of lamb with mint sauce. I’ll send it to you.
Bon Appetite!

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.