Ask Dr. L – Sports Edition!

March 1, 2010 by  

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions.  Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other.  Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 28th, 2010
Dear Dr. L,

I’m just gonna start this off straight up yo, I ain’t smart. The only thing I’m good at in school is history and I don’t even know of any jobs I can get in history. I don’t wanna be stuck taking out trash the rest
of my life. My only hope is to try and be a professional sports player. I play three sports. Football. Baseball. Basketball. The best I can figure for football I need good legs. For baseball I need good arms. And for basketball I need good endurance.

So I was wondering, if I managed to find some V, should I try to get it from like a vampire’s leg…for strong legs…and like a vampire’s arm…for like strong arms…and like from a vampires…wherever
endurance comes from for endurance? Is that how it works?
Black Knight Linebacker

Dear Linebacker,

I happen to be a big sports fan, not really for the sport- I don’t know a tackle from a home run- but to see the players hot, toned bodies in action. So, I am more than a bit disappointed you did not include a picture of yourself.  However, I will do my best to answer your question, and maybe you can send me that picture later.

Now, you are obviously not the sharpest tack in the box, and oddly enough, you even admit that yourself.  See, if you had even a teeny, tiny bit of intelligence in that thick skull of yours, you would KNOW that I would never, ever condone (look it up) the use of V for anything other than medical, scientific purposes.  So whether it comes from the vamp’s leg, arm, or any other appendage (again, look it up) I would not dignify (getting tired of looking word up yet?) this idiotic question with an answer.

However, if you are ever interested in meeting a cougar, write me again and send a photo next time.

Dear Dr. L,

This may sound crazy, but this is the time of year when I start building the theatrical haunted house I run in October. I only can work on during the weekends, so if I don’t start now, I’m in trouble. I recently met my first vampire who told me that he would love to help scare people when October rolls around. But I’m worried about something. I know that vampires and the sun don’t really get along. But in our house we use a lot of Ultra Violet light to make things glow. Will this hurt a vampire because isn’t the sun also Ultra Violet in nature? Will it just make a vampire glow? I would hate to have this vampire volunteer for me, then burst into flames.
Gravestone Gary

Hello, Gary,

Oh, nothing is more fun than a well done haunted house! I have been known to participate in these events, myself.  The sound of a blood chilling scream is so satisfying. I hear them now and again in my practice, but they are more prolific in a haunted house!

As to your question, do you actually know my thoughts and feelings on vampires, dear? Do you understand that I loathe the very idea of these vile creatures? Because if you do, you understand that I do not care if the vampire you engage for your haunted house bursts into flames when making contact with the UV lights.  But let me say this- please invite me this October.  I will bring weenies and marshmallows to roast.

Hey Dr. L,

So I’m one of those gamer guys. Like I play role playing games in my mom’s basement with my pals. I know that’s a stereotype…but it’s true, so whatchya gonna do? I’m also a fairly new vampire…let’s just say I got a little too into my hobby.

Anyways, in my Tome Of Monsters, there is a lengthy entry for vampires. All kinda crazy stuff. I’ve been doing some research on “real” vampires every since they made themselves known and I’ve come to learn that the gamers of the world are wrong on a bunch of things. But there is one vampiric trait that I haven’t been able to figure out for sure: Can “real” vampires make thralls? Thralls are described as essentially being blood thirsty, mindless, former humans who never really went through the complete transformation process. These are usually used by villainous vampires as like some form of an army. I mean I’m guessing not because I’ve never seen one, but I also suppose that us vampires aren’t dumb enough to just let these things run around anymore.

But…can I do that? I never really liked my old gaming group.
Icarmadoro, Vampire Lord of Corsotha

Dear Icky,

Because you gaming geeks seem to have a culture and language all your own, and I am not familiar with it, and  have no intention of becoming familiar with it, I am trying the best I can to translate your query. Are you asking me if you can enthrall your gaming group? If so, do you realize and understand that this is not going to improve their IQ or social skills in the least?  They will not suddenly become interesting or socially acceptable. In fact, the experience I have had with thralls is the opposite- the base, animalistic tendencies are enhanced, and they are not the type of people one would want to invite to a party. Trust me.

So, in the interest of humanity in general, and myself specifically, I am not- repeat NOT- going to give you instructions in enthralling your nerdy pals.

Dear Dr. L

I have long wondered how a male having sex with a female vampire may be any different than sex with a regular human female. I mean a vagina is a vagina! Women can experience the long lasting and ecstasy that a male vampire can give but a female really can’t offer anything new. What can you say about that?
Sign me Super Strange!!

Dear SS,

As you may already know, I am not a fan of the fang.  I do not have the slightest idea if sex with a male vampire is any better than sex with a human male. I am an equal opportunity vampire hater.

BUT, that being said, I cannot abide male chauvinist pigs, either.  So, my advice is, IF you can get a female vampire to have sex with you, which I doubt you can, then you had better be able to satisfy and please HER- not be obsessed about getting your own jollies. Because if you don’t- I think you need to get yourself adjusted to a nocturnal existence, for a very, very long time.
Good luck. You really need it.

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Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.