Fangtastic Fashions-What Not to Wear!

November 23, 2009 by  

Fangtastic-Fashions-2

Now welcome back, all you clever little humans!  Clearly you’re clever enough to realize the value of my advice – I mean, some people would kill for this opportunity!  Indeed, some already have.. But anyway!  What shall we discuss this week, I hear you clamoring!  I feel that the issue of evening dress must be addressed, if you’ll excuse the pun.. which you will.

Working at Fangtasia is amusing to me, not only because I see all you funny little humans in such thrall to us – like little pets! – but for some of the simply hideous articles that you deem acceptable to own, much less wear in public!!  I mean, I see these ‘fangbangers‘, in their leather and chains, which I can excuse… I have many similar items myself, for work-obviously, and I find it flattering that you all attempt to emulate me, even while knowing that you’ll never have the style or panache that I do.  I must admit however, that a small, almost minuscule part of me admires your attempt.  You must simply realize that leather is not forgiving to many figures, and it takes a certain style to pull it off.

I would like to turn my attention to the residents of Shreveport and Bon Temps who choose to avoid the fangbanger style, and select their own, unique fashion path.  Although, in all truth, I shudder to call it ‘fashion’!  Fashion to me is classic, elegant, and bold.  What is the point of going out at night if you aren’t making the absolute best of yourself?  But what do I see from the males – blue denim jeans, with big belt buckles, and t-shirts!  Disgraceful!  Where is the class?  Honestly, some of these men wear the same clothes at night that they would wear to work on road crews, and let me assure you, you do not put on evening wear to sweat!  Something I DO wish Eric would keep in mind.

And the women… where to begin?  At least the majority of female locals make some attempt to dress up, although denim skirts are not suitable evening wear, especially when they are so short you should be nervous in case you drop your purse!  Take Sookie‘s little friend, Tara, for example.  In her day-to-day clothes choices, denim (ugh!) and plain vest tops figure highly, but she did make an attempt to dress up for that engagement party that was held, for the redhead waitress: Arlene somebody.  Well, she put on a dress, but I can’t say I think very highly of red satin, cut so short.  When I was human, we had words for women who wore red!  Still, I have to appreciate that she tried, I suppose.  And she does have a pleasing figure, but she makes so little effort with it, it’s a shame.  Although, as cheap and nasty as her red dress appeared, it was incrementally better than a lot of the other, frankly unattractive females.  Ladies DO NOT wear pants as evening wear.  That is a simple, but useful rule.

Below are some vamp(ire) friends of mine who like, for some unknowable reason, to dress up as Fangbangers. As you can see, they have followed all my little fashion rules and look stunning!

Well Dressed FB

But what are your thoughts, my readers?  Am I too harsh about your kind, or do you think I’m entirely correct?!  Pray tell..

To see past columns, when there are any, please check out the archives!

Disclaimer: This column is  provided for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect any actual criticism of the costumes worn on True Blood.  This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement.  Fangtastic Fashions and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

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  • Chum

    Honestly Pam, you shouldn’t talk. That pair of Betsy Johnson pumps that got ruined in the woods were hideous. Who wears Betsy Johnson? A 5 year old trying to look grown up, all the while stuck in the 80’s? Ugh.

  • MarleneEmmett

    PAM:
    No Knockoffs when it comes to FASHION!!
    That means no “Knock off” Shoes,Handbags,LEATHER Goods!!!
    Especially, NO cheap high heels~Speaking of HIGH HEELS, Eric still owes you a replacement pair for the pair you ruined the
    night Sookie got mauled by Maryanne Forrester!!!