Fangtastic Fashions

Fangtastic Fashions 2

Fangtastic Fashions-What Not to Wear!

November 23rd, 2009

Now welcome back, all you clever little humans!  Clearly you’re clever enough to realize the value of my advice – I mean, some people would kill for this opportunity!  Indeed, some already have.. But anyway!  What shall we discuss this week, I hear you clamoring!  I feel that the issue of evening dress must be addressed, if you’ll excuse the pun.. which you will.

Working at Fangtasia is amusing to me, not only because I see all you funny little humans in such thrall to us – like little pets! – but for some of the simply hideous articles that you deem acceptable to own, much less wear in public!!  I mean, I see these ‘fangbangers‘, in their leather and chains, which I can excuse… I have many similar items myself, for work-obviously, and I find it flattering that you all attempt to emulate me, even while knowing that you’ll never have the style or panache that I do.  I must admit however, that a small, almost minuscule part of me admires your attempt.  You must simply realize that leather is not forgiving to many figures, and it takes a certain style to pull it off.

I would like to turn my attention to the residents of Shreveport and Bon Temps who choose to avoid the fangbanger style, and select their own, unique fashion path.  Although, in all truth, I shudder to call it ‘fashion’!  Fashion to me is classic, elegant, and bold.  What is the point of going out at night if you aren’t making the absolute best of yourself?  But what do I see from the males – blue denim jeans, with big belt buckles, and t-shirts!  Disgraceful!  Where is the class?  Honestly, some of these men wear the same clothes at night that they would wear to work on road crews, and let me assure you, you do not put on evening wear to sweat!  Something I DO wish Eric would keep in mind.

And the women… where to begin?  At least the majority of female locals make some attempt to dress up, although denim skirts are not suitable evening wear, especially when they are so short you should be nervous in case you drop your purse!  Take Sookie‘s little friend, Tara, for example.  In her day-to-day clothes choices, denim (ugh!) and plain vest tops figure highly, but she did make an attempt to dress up for that engagement party that was held, for the redhead waitress: Arlene somebody.  Well, she put on a dress, but I can’t say I think very highly of red satin, cut so short.  When I was human, we had words for women who wore red!  Still, I have to appreciate that she tried, I suppose.  And she does have a pleasing figure, but she makes so little effort with it, it’s a shame.  Although, as cheap and nasty as her red dress appeared, it was incrementally better than a lot of the other, frankly unattractive females.  Ladies DO NOT wear pants as evening wear.  That is a simple, but useful rule.

Below are some vamp(ire) friends of mine who like, for some unknowable reason, to dress up as Fangbangers. As you can see, they have followed all my little fashion rules and look stunning!

Well Dressed FB

But what are your thoughts, my readers?  Am I too harsh about your kind, or do you think i’m entirely correct?!  Pray tell..

Welcome to Fangtastic Fashions!

November 6th, 2009

Hello to all you droll humans, and welcome to my new little column here on! I’m Pam, and I’m going to help you with all your fashion queries and problems you may be having – and they are huge judging from what I see walk through the door at Fangtasia! I have fantastic taste, even if I do have to say so myself! Being surrounded by men, and well, poor little Ginger who refuses to take my fashion tips is so frustrating! Men so rarely understand the fine points of fashion and especially not 1000 year old Vikings! Why just last week Eric had brown socks on with his black pants! ::Shudders:: Luckily for him, he does recognize my expertise and usually listens to my suggestions. I picked out that stunning little number he wore to visit the Queen, a real winner wasn’t it?

If any of you humans have visited Fangtasia, you’ll be familiar with me… I’m the drop dead gorgeous blond who’s dressed to the nines that decides if you tastey enough to come in and party!… or not…. and if you’ve visited, you’re now in my vault.. along with whatever foolish human fashion choices you’ve made. Oh yes, I mean you Betty Sue Fortenberry and your too tight plaid cotton hip huggers and horizontal stripped shortie tee with your hips bulging out over the sides. It takes all sizes to make up the world but you need to dress for success not the circus!

I’ve decided to start this column to discuss the fashion that I see, in Shreveport and in Bon Temps and let everyone know what the rage in Europe is where I go to do all my shopping!

Obviously, if you’ve seen me at work you’ve seen my work clothes. They’re very different from my everyday wear, but Eric says we have to dress up – it attracts the tourists, just like you!

Now, this little note is just to say hello and let everyone know what’s coming up… I’m happy to answer all your fashion questions and comments, and I’ll discuss the fashion tastes of my friends and acquaintances.. Eric, Bill, Sookie… and anyone else that grabs my fancy.

In fact, speaking of Sookie, she is one succulent little morsel that I would love to have for a makeover! In particular, her work uniform is just awful! Obviously we all have to dress for work, but at least Eric doesn’t make me wear a tacky little tshirt with ‘Fangtasia’ splashed over it… Perish the thought! I think I’d rather die again than be forced into something so low class! And don’t even get me started on the shorts and ‘sneakers’ that she wears… I mean, I’m on my feet all night, and there’s nothing I love better than a gorgeous pair of pumps just like the lovely ones shown at the top of the column which I ruined chasing after that menaed! They were made by Betsey Johnson and are called ‘Risky’, a lovely name to go with an even more delicious d’Orsay Pump. With the creativity and streak of cruelty needed to make these wonderful shoes you just know she’s one of us, don’t you? And even you little people can buy them for a mere $120 and I don’t want to hear any whining either about the pain of wearing them OR paying for them. After all, dear humans… Like all worthwhile things, Beauty is Pain!!

So start writing your questions and comments and send them in.. I don’t like be be kept waiting…

Disclaimer: This column is provided for entertainment purposes only and does not reflect any actual criticism of the costumes worn on True Blood. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Fangtastic Fashions and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlain Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.