Investigative Reports — Russell Edgington

October 26, 2010 by  


Property of The American Vampire League – Do Not Distribute

Attn: Nan Flannigan

Dear Ms. Flannigan,
As agreed per our video conference, here is the first report on our findings regarding Mr. Russell Edgington. What we are presenting here are the earliest recorded dates unearthed in our investigation.

As you can imagine, this is extremely time consuming and occasionally, nearly impossible to verify if all of these accounts are indeed 100% accurate. However, my colleagues and I have endeavored to do our best for you and the esteemed members of the council.

Documents found in several residencies and ruins scattered throughout the globe prove that Mr. Edgington has been conspiring with an assortment of despicable characters for approximately the past 25 centuries.

The National Bureau of Vampiric Affairs (NBVA) has prepared an extensive investigative report detailing several of Edgington’s attempts at annihilating the human race in hopes of driving mortals to the verge of extinction and generate an anarchic state in which vampires would come to power.

While the vampire claims to be almost 3000 years old, our historians have consistently failed in finding proof of his existence before the reign of the Julio-Claudian dynasty (placed in ancient Rome from 27 BC to 68 AD).

Edgington’s influence appears to have started on young Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus, also known as Caligula. The extent and range of this influence is unclear in the case of this emperor, but what seems to stand out is the fact that the vampire glamored Caligula into believing he was a god, and as such he could not be killed. Large amounts of vampire blood (referred to today as “V”) streamed into Caligula’s system and drove the emperor to unsurpassed lust and debauchery, giving him the insane idea of turning the senate house into a brothel to cover up state deficit.

The emperor’s so called “madness” reached its zenith when he turned his favorite horse into a consul; an act that in itself was meant to mock the institution of consulship; but was, in this case, provoked by the constant glamoring sessions and the resulting brain damage, and truly had no humorous intention to begin with.

Historians now believe that Edgington became close friends with Caligula in the form of an actor called Mnester. Edgington found a way to use the emperor’s passion for the arts, plays in particular, to dominate Caligula and keep him in a near-constant state of frenzy.

Managed by the elusive figure of Mnester (Edgington), Caligula started huge parades and staged theatrical plays that bled the empire’s budget and generated huge amounts of debt. After this, the so called “actor” instructed the emperor to turn senator’s wives into prostitutes with the hopes of creating a civil war.

After this event, which admittedly was a truly original way of covering up for state debt, the emperor was murdered by a glamored centurion who weaved a conspiracy to kill Caligula after a chariot race.

Presumably, Edgington glamored this man into murdering the emperor because the succession was not clear and the whole empire would fall into a chaotic mass of defenseless people, ready to be slaughtered and enslaved by his vampire minions.

Although the exact details of why this plan was unsuccessful cannot be ascertained, the resulting outcome was that Caligula’s uncle, Claudius, became the head of the Roman Empire despite being considered at the time to have a possibly flawed brain.

Edgington maintained anonymity after the failed take over of  Rome until his obvious return during Nero’s reign. Again in the figure of an actor, Edgington reappeared and claimed himself as the vile Sporus, the infamous actor who is well known for exerting influence over the emperor. Edgington convinced Nero to spend denarii wildly all across the empire on excessive amounts of  jewelry and clothing.

It is said that being arsonist, Nero wet his bed, and therefore sought help from a very diverse group of people. Among them was of course, Edgington, posing a Sporus. There is proof that Edgington glamored  the emperor and“cured” him of his chronic bed wetting problem and then engaged Nero in a sexual liaison. Eventually, Sporus (Edgington)  married Nero as his HUSBAND; shocking for its time.

Feeding the emperor regularly with his blood, Nero quickly became addicted to Edgington’s (Sporus) presence in the Roman court. Edgington came very close to his objective of annihilating the inhabitants of Rome when he urged Nero to burn the city so he could build himself a huge villa. This villa was supposed to be their “dream home”, filled with portraits and statues of the man and his vampire lover. Archaeologists have found evidence of a lavish hidey-hole for Edgington, located right below the emperor’s rooms and with direct access.

When the fire was controlled and the city was saved, the emperor’s position was weakened and Edgington’s plot was nearly discovered. He quickly fled the city and no further records have been located concerning his whereabouts during this era.  Nero’s fate was sealed after this event, and without his regular supply of V, he went into withdrawals. He committed assisted suicide shortly after, where reliable sources say he wept tears of desperation and cried out the name of his long lost lover, Sporus, with his final breath.

Edgington remained absent from human affairs for a long period of time, but our findings reveal that in nearly every era where chaos and pandemonium have ensued, Russell Edgington’s presence has been noted.

More reports to follow as soon as further proof and verifications of certain facts can be obtained.

It has taken centuries of careful control to ensure the dissemination of what vampires want humans to believe regarding their history. As such, these records must be guarded accordingly.

End of report.

Most obediently yours,

Mrs. Bianca Sotopazzi
Head Investigator
National Bureau of Vampiric Affairs

Disclaimer: The “Investigative Reports — Russell Edgington” series is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Investigative Reports — Russell Edgington” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Natalia Riffran

Header Graphics By: Natalia Riffran

Photo Courtesy: HBO  (Screen Capture Courtesy: James)