Mystery Reporter: Acting Sheriff Bellefluer & Wannabe Officer Stackhouse Exclusive

August 29, 2010 by  

The Tattler is proud to present this most exclusive interview with Bon Temps Finest Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefluer and his  protege Jason Stackhouse.   It’s a very rare opportunity to get such a candid, in depth interview.  Believe me readers, this is one of a kind.  Enjoy…

MR:   Today I’m sitting down with a couple of the fine officials who keep the peace in Northwestern Louisiana: Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefleur and his assistant, Jason Stackhouse. Gentlemen, welcome and thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

JASON: First off, I’m not Andy’s assistant. I’m a cop. Well, almost. But soon I’ll be legit, Ma’am.

ANDY: It’s my pleasure, Ma’am.  [glares at Jason] Now don’t go tellin this fine lady you’re a cop, Stackhouse. We don’t need any misprints or lawsuits now do we?

JASON: [shrugging] I’m already the best COP you’ve got, Andy. [to the reporter] Did he tell you how I made a drug bust on the biggest drug ring round ’bouts here.

MR: No, I didn’t hear about that Mr. Stackhouse.

JASON: You shoulda been there, ‘hon, I nailed about 5 or 6 of them with just these [flexes his arms for her]. Squeeze that! Bet the boys you work with don’t have guns like these, huh?
That’s GRADE A 100% Bon Temps muscle fiber.

MR: [flustered she drops her papers and scrambles to pick them up] Um yeah…Have you been on many drug busts Mr. Stackhouse?

JASON: I’ve only been on the one, Darlin’, but I plan on making these parts drug free as soon as I get my badge.

MR: Congratulations, Sheriff Bellefleur on your recent promotion.

ANDY: Why thank you, Ma’am. It was quite an unexpected promotion, but one I assure the folks of Bon Temps that I take very seriously

MR: The outgoing Sheriff Bud Dearborne held the position for many years. Do you believe that you are fully prepared to fill those big shoes?

ANDY: I do I believe I can fill any position the former Sheriff Bud Dearborn may have been in.  As for his shoes??   Cowboy boots just ain’t my style.

JASON: [Grinning and ducking his head in front of Andy] Even if he ain’t, Ma’am, I’ll be there to make sure that any shoes that need filling will be taken care of. [looking puzzled] Wait, does this mean I’m gonna have to shine shoes too?

ANDY: Let me put that on the list Stackhouse. You can shine our shoes right after you wash the patrol cars and sweep the cells.

MR: You’ve certainly had a turbulent few months leading to your promotion, Sheriff. You recently shot and killed a local young man who your report claimed was “brandishing a large knife” and communicating threats against your life. How does an officer of the law live with the weight of such a thing every day?

ANDY: [sighs and looks nervously at Jason] Well ma’am, it’s hard for me to talk about. The nightmares still haunt me. I keep dreaming my friends are being shot right before my eyes. Especially Stackhouse. That’s one that I can’t get out my head. [glares at Jason, nostrils flaring]

JASON: [looks down at his shoes, and up at the reporter, and back at his shoes, and anywhere but at Andy]

ANDY:  It just tears a man apart, the thought that I killed another man, all in the line of duty.

JASON: [snorting] I’m sure you know all ’bout that-

ANDY:  Stackhouse, enough…

MR: Has your new “local hero” status changed the way you work?

ANDY: Why yes, I think it has. I take things a lot more seriously around here now. This town needs protection and I aim to do just that. Even if it means I have to kill someone.

MR: Mr. Stackhouse, you’ve had a rather sordid history with the Renard Parish authorities. How did you come to be interested in a position with the Sheriff’s Department?

JASON: Well, you see, I…. Well, my past is the past. And my future is like….[scrunching up his face like it hurts] There’s a lot about that going on in my brain, right now.

ANDY: [nudges Stackhouse and knocks the paper airplane out of his hand] Stackhouse, speak when you are spoken to.

JASON: [sits quietly for a moment, tilting his head back and thinking about it] Okay, I got this, it was after that drug bust, I was tellin’ you ’bout earlier, I just felt so good ’bout doing something for the community. And my Gran would be so proud of me [leaning in, cupping his hand to his mouth] You’re probably not from around here, but I haven’t given my Gran much to be proud of as of late, God rest her soul.

ANDY: [said under his breath] that’s the most truth come outta his mouth all week

MR: Does the fact that Sheriff Bellefleur once arrested you on suspicion of murder ever cause a rub in your working relationship?

JASON: [looking at Andy] Nah. [tossing his arm over the sheriff] me and Andy is pals now, ain’t we? [pauses and looks back at the reporter]  Ma’am, is this gonna to be on TV? Where’s the camera? [looks around the room]

ANDY: [says under his breath] “Dumbass”)

MR: How does a man with a 1.6 high school GPA and no recorded law enforcement training end up behind the wheel of a patrol car stopping and reprimanding citizens?

JASON: There is a good reason for that, pretty lady.  I’ve got all the training I need from playing football, and a special leadership conference that I attended on my summer vacation.  And I can drive a patrol car, they’re just like regular cars. As for the citizens, that boy was gaining [whispers] Carmel knowledge [leans in closer] of that woman in a public area. [Sits up proud]  That’s from the Bible…It was a Honda Civic duty I was performing. [pauses, scratching his head] Wait, what’s a GPA? Is that like AIDS?

ANDY: [phone rings to the tune of Hawaii 5-0 and he raises his finger up covering the receiver] Official police business.  You’ll have to excuse me.

MR: [looks to Jason] And the reports that you may have been seen pulling vehicles over with attractive female drivers… without your shirt?

JASON: [grinning boyishly] Well, you see, I was undercover that day Ma’am…. as a car washer. It had to do with the drug problem case. And I can’t be held responsible for a woman being pretty, much like yourself.

MR: Why thank you, Mr. Stackhouse.  [blushes and looks at her paper, getting flustered]   Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge. Per capita, that makes your relatively small parish a national “V” hotspot. Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?
JASON: [looking confused] I didn’t learn the state capitals, well, least I can’t remember, but I don’t think we’re supposed to have more than one and you named like 3. [tries to ge the Sheriff’s attention] Andy?  Wanna help me out with this?

[Andy shoots him a cold hard stare and brushes him off]

JASON: You’ll have to excuse him Ma’am, he’s a busy man and he’s cranky because he can’t have his morning coffee any more. When he does he’s hold up in the bathroom for hours.  [wrinkles his nose] and trust me, it ain’t pretty.  That’s why the Police force needs my blood, [leaning in and winking] I can stay up all night. I’ve got stigmata.  So looks like Andy’s out. What’dya say you let me buff your bumper?

MR: Well, I did do a stint as an exotic dancer in college…

ANDY: Claps his phone shut and mutters, damn that Maxine Fortenberry and her MADV bullshit clogging up all the main arteries in my town with her protests, just like she clogged up that poor boy Hoyt’s with those potato chip sandwiches for years.  No wonder that boy was a fat kid [throws his hands in the air] What you looking at Stackhouse????

JASON: Dude!  I was just about to score

ANDY: You mean you think you were

JASON: It was in the bag ’til you jumped up screamin, “PIGGGGGGG”

MR: [Looks around nervously] Well, er, where were we? Ah, yes…

ANDY: I did not say Pig I said kid,  I ain’t seen no pigs since I stopped drinkin’  Shouldn’t you be shinin’ someone’s shoes or washin’ a carpet somewhere back at the station.

JASON: Shouldn’t you be eating a donut or somethin’?

ANDY: Just shut your pie hole Stackhouse and let me catch up.

MR: Sheriff, Jason…er… Mr. Stackhouse and I were discussing your area’s drug problem.

ANDY: Well that case out in Hot Shot is classified.

MR: No, not that Sheriff, we were talking about how Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge.  Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?

ANDY: Now those are too big of words for Stackhouse so here so let me answer it [cracks his knuckles forward and sits up proud then slumps, stumped for words] Shit, now I gotta answer it.

JASON: Isn’t as easy as it looks, huh. And, uh, Andy, that ain’t the way to talk in front of a pretty, young thing like her. [flashes a smile at the reporter]

ANDY: [leans into Jason with a whisper] This is not the time for “dick on”.

JASON: But Andy, you’ve known me all these years.  Has there ever been a time when it hasn’t been dick on?

MR: Can somebody please answer this question so we can move on?

ANDY: I’m sorry ma’am,  If you ask me, it’s gotta have something to do with that vampire boyfriend of Sookie’s. Ever since he came around, things just ain’t been the same around these parts.

JASON: Can’t we have one problem in town without blaming me or Sook?

ANDY: Well come to think of it….NO!

JASON: [crosses arms and stews]

ANDY: [looks to the Mystery Reporter] I want it on record that I was not referring to the Stackhouses as the trouble here but in fact was referring to one Vampire Bill Compton. Not my fault Stackhouse has a guilty conscience.

JASON: [mutters] Well, s’not like I got the hero bit to wash it away.

MR: Moving on, gentleman. Your area also has a fairly high crime rate for its size, reported dog fighting, a decapitated John Doe, and several missing persons cases. Is this related to the heavy drug traffic in Renard Parish?

JASON: We got dog fighting? They put on gloves and everything? I’d like to see that. [pauses] Wait a minute,  John Doe? Ain’t he that college kid we got, laying down concrete, by the courthouse? He got D-Kappa-phi’d? I didn’t know he was in a fraternity.  Weren’t you in that fraternity Andy?

ANDY:  No, the only fraternity I have ever been in is the fraternal order of police which you may never be a part of if you don’t stop being such a dumb ass!  It’s all in that manual I gave you Stackhouse.  I highly suggest you read it!

MR: Sheriff? Any thoughts on the situation?

ANDY: I’m thinking…

JASON: Don’t hurt yourself …

ANDY: About how I can get rid of Stackhouse so this town don’t get into worse shit then it has already

JASON: There you go, blaming me again! I am a COP. I uphold the law. Well, I will, soon.

ANDY: All you seem to wanna uphold is what’s in your pants Stackhouse and that aint what makes a good Cop!  It takes a lot more than just learning how to use your night stick!

JASON: Well, it makes a good tent.

ANDY: [Pinches the bridge of his nose like he’s beginning to get a head ache and shakes his head back and forth]

MR: Okay….Among the missing citizens of your area, a known vampire named Bill Compton was reported weeks ago. Some have said that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department isn’t doing all that it can to locate the man who, under federal law, is entitled to all the same rights as your human residents. What do you say to critics who claim that your department is operating under a prejudicial policy?

ANDY: Vampire Bill is technically dead so he can’t be officially missing, but for the record, he has been found.

JASON: I don’t really know what you’re talking about darlin’  [crosses his legs and rubs his chin thoughtfully] But can you put that I’m thinking intensely about this in the article and make me look good? [flashes a cheesy grin]

MR: We’ll see [winks]

ANDY: What I meant to say was we are doing our best to locate Mr. Compton. Had he still been missing, this would have been  Jason’s first case.

MR:  But Mr. Stackhouse isn’t a deputy.

ANDY: Well Bill Compton isn’t technically alive so it works.

MR: Sheriff, are you suggesting that an untrained, unofficial deputy would have been assigned with the Compton case because the victim is a vampire?

JASON: That just ain’t right, um Ma’am. I single handedly took out a whole hillbilly drug cartel all by myself. Ain’t no better training than hands on.
MR: So you would trust this summer camp graduate in an important case such as this?

JASON: [snickering] It was a little like summer camp. But with more violence and less cumbaya.

ANDY: That is not what I said. You’re twisting my words. I never said he would be doing this on his own.  He would of course have some very qualified assistance.  As for the rest of what you’re fishin’ for, no comment. [sneers]

JASON: [whispering to Andy] We can do that? We can say no comment, like in the movies?

ANDY: Of course we can, Stackhouse.  You didn’t get to that part in the manual because you didn’t read it yet!

JASON: Well, I used it to keep the desk from tipping every time I tried to play table football.

ANDY: Yes I know…I saw it on the video tape.

JASON: Then why’d you ask?

ANDY: I didn’t ask you Stackhouse. I was stating a fact!

MR: [clears throat] And finally, gentlemen, we understand that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department’s annual booster calendar will be available for purchase in the fall. Is it true that Mr. Stackhouse will be featured in nine of the twelve months?

JASON: There’s only me, Andy, Kevin, and Kenya. [leans in to the reporter] And between you and me, they ain’t exactly pin up material.

ANDY: I have not been informed of any calendar. This has Stackhouse written all over it [folds his arms and gives Jason a cold hard stare]

JASON:  I figured we’d leave the other three months out since I ran out of film.

ANDY: Maybe we could fit your sister Sookie in there Jason, being she’s always at the station for some goddamn reason or another.

JASON: [thinking about it] Nah, Sook won’t do that, she’s too shy. I could probably get Lafayette.

MR: [Gives a bashful blush] Well, could we get a preview? You know, for the paper?

ANDY: Oh God [rolls eyes].  I assure you Stackhouse and I will be discussing this matter at a later date after he’s done with his “chores”

JASON: You don’t have to ask me twice, sugar. [unbuttoning his pants, and stopping short] Andy, you may want to step out for a minute, or an hour.

ANDY: He’s lying missy…he don’t take no hour. You’re lucky if it lasts five minutes

JASON: Would you git? I’m trying to do some pubic relations here.

MR: Oh! Um, I meant… I was asking about the calendar! But, maybe Mr. Stackhouse could sign my… our copy?

ANDY:  It’s Public Relations Stackhouse, get it right!

JASON: [stopping and buckling back up] Oh, yeah, I can do that too. Whoops.

MR: Gentlemen, thank you again for having me. I appreciate you candidness.

ANDY: Anything for the press, ma’am

JASON: See, right there is where you get confusing. I ain’t had you yet.

MR: Well we can remedy that and you can come home with me and give me a private show.

JASON: I guess that’s my cue to leave.

ANDY: [grabs Jason by the back of the collar] Oh you’re leaving with me Stackhouse. I think it’s time we get you fitted for a proper uniform and I assure you that it will not have Velcro seams.

JASON: Damnit Andy!  You sure know how to piss on someone’s campfire!

MR: Well, this appears to be a record.  I have managed to live through this interview unlike my predecessors.  [checks out Jason’s ass as he walks out of the door]  Oh to be a notch in his belt, but then again, considering his track record with women…I’m probably better off.

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Mystery Reporter written by Yarrow Carmichael/Rice

Andy Bellefluer written by Cyrenna Dewhurst

Jason Stackhouse written by Michele L. Medina

Comedy Relief  supplied by B.Kent

Header credit: K. S. Rose

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