Mystery Reporter: Acting Sheriff Bellefluer & Wannabe Officer Stackhouse Exclusive

August 29, 2010

The Tattler is proud to present this most exclusive interview with Bon Temps Finest Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefluer and his  protege Jason Stackhouse.   It’s a very rare opportunity to get such a candid, in depth interview.  Believe me readers, this is one of a kind.  Enjoy…

MR:   Today I’m sitting down with a couple of the fine officials who keep the peace in Northwestern Louisiana: Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefleur and his assistant, Jason Stackhouse. Gentlemen, welcome and thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

JASON: First off, I’m not Andy’s assistant. I’m a cop. Well, almost. But soon I’ll be legit, Ma’am.

ANDY: It’s my pleasure, Ma’am.  [glares at Jason] Now don’t go tellin this fine lady you’re a cop, Stackhouse. We don’t need any misprints or lawsuits now do we?

JASON: [shrugging] I’m already the best COP you’ve got, Andy. [to the reporter] Did he tell you how I made a drug bust on the biggest drug ring round ’bouts here.

MR: No, I didn’t hear about that Mr. Stackhouse.

JASON: You shoulda been there, ‘hon, I nailed about 5 or 6 of them with just these [flexes his arms for her]. Squeeze that! Bet the boys you work with don’t have guns like these, huh?
That’s GRADE A 100% Bon Temps muscle fiber.

MR: [flustered she drops her papers and scrambles to pick them up] Um yeah…Have you been on many drug busts Mr. Stackhouse?

JASON: I’ve only been on the one, Darlin’, but I plan on making these parts drug free as soon as I get my badge.

MR: Congratulations, Sheriff Bellefleur on your recent promotion.

ANDY: Why thank you, Ma’am. It was quite an unexpected promotion, but one I assure the folks of Bon Temps that I take very seriously

MR: The outgoing Sheriff Bud Dearborne held the position for many years. Do you believe that you are fully prepared to fill those big shoes?

ANDY: I do I believe I can fill any position the former Sheriff Bud Dearborn may have been in.  As for his shoes??   Cowboy boots just ain’t my style.

JASON: [Grinning and ducking his head in front of Andy] Even if he ain’t, Ma’am, I’ll be there to make sure that any shoes that need filling will be taken care of. [looking puzzled] Wait, does this mean I’m gonna have to shine shoes too?

ANDY: Let me put that on the list Stackhouse. You can shine our shoes right after you wash the patrol cars and sweep the cells.

MR: You’ve certainly had a turbulent few months leading to your promotion, Sheriff. You recently shot and killed a local young man who your report claimed was “brandishing a large knife” and communicating threats against your life. How does an officer of the law live with the weight of such a thing every day?

ANDY: [sighs and looks nervously at Jason] Well ma’am, it’s hard for me to talk about. The nightmares still haunt me. I keep dreaming my friends are being shot right before my eyes. Especially Stackhouse. That’s one that I can’t get out my head. [glares at Jason, nostrils flaring]

JASON: [looks down at his shoes, and up at the reporter, and back at his shoes, and anywhere but at Andy]

ANDY:  It just tears a man apart, the thought that I killed another man, all in the line of duty.

JASON: [snorting] I’m sure you know all ’bout that-

ANDY:  Stackhouse, enough…

MR: Has your new “local hero” status changed the way you work?

ANDY: Why yes, I think it has. I take things a lot more seriously around here now. This town needs protection and I aim to do just that. Even if it means I have to kill someone.

MR: Mr. Stackhouse, you’ve had a rather sordid history with the Renard Parish authorities. How did you come to be interested in a position with the Sheriff’s Department?

JASON: Well, you see, I…. Well, my past is the past. And my future is like….[scrunching up his face like it hurts] There’s a lot about that going on in my brain, right now.

ANDY: [nudges Stackhouse and knocks the paper airplane out of his hand] Stackhouse, speak when you are spoken to.

JASON: [sits quietly for a moment, tilting his head back and thinking about it] Okay, I got this, it was after that drug bust, I was tellin’ you ’bout earlier, I just felt so good ’bout doing something for the community. And my Gran would be so proud of me [leaning in, cupping his hand to his mouth] You’re probably not from around here, but I haven’t given my Gran much to be proud of as of late, God rest her soul.

ANDY: [said under his breath] that’s the most truth come outta his mouth all week

MR: Does the fact that Sheriff Bellefleur once arrested you on suspicion of murder ever cause a rub in your working relationship?

JASON: [looking at Andy] Nah. [tossing his arm over the sheriff] me and Andy is pals now, ain’t we? [pauses and looks back at the reporter]  Ma’am, is this gonna to be on TV? Where’s the camera? [looks around the room]

ANDY: [says under his breath] “Dumbass”)

MR: How does a man with a 1.6 high school GPA and no recorded law enforcement training end up behind the wheel of a patrol car stopping and reprimanding citizens?

JASON: There is a good reason for that, pretty lady.  I’ve got all the training I need from playing football, and a special leadership conference that I attended on my summer vacation.  And I can drive a patrol car, they’re just like regular cars. As for the citizens, that boy was gaining [whispers] Carmel knowledge [leans in closer] of that woman in a public area. [Sits up proud]  That’s from the Bible…It was a Honda Civic duty I was performing. [pauses, scratching his head] Wait, what’s a GPA? Is that like AIDS?

ANDY: [phone rings to the tune of Hawaii 5-0 and he raises his finger up covering the receiver] Official police business.  You’ll have to excuse me.

MR: [looks to Jason] And the reports that you may have been seen pulling vehicles over with attractive female drivers… without your shirt?

JASON: [grinning boyishly] Well, you see, I was undercover that day Ma’am…. as a car washer. It had to do with the drug problem case. And I can’t be held responsible for a woman being pretty, much like yourself.

MR: Why thank you, Mr. Stackhouse.  [blushes and looks at her paper, getting flustered]   Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge. Per capita, that makes your relatively small parish a national “V” hotspot. Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?
JASON: [looking confused] I didn’t learn the state capitals, well, least I can’t remember, but I don’t think we’re supposed to have more than one and you named like 3. [tries to ge the Sheriff’s attention] Andy?  Wanna help me out with this?

[Andy shoots him a cold hard stare and brushes him off]

JASON: You’ll have to excuse him Ma’am, he’s a busy man and he’s cranky because he can’t have his morning coffee any more. When he does he’s hold up in the bathroom for hours.  [wrinkles his nose] and trust me, it ain’t pretty.  That’s why the Police force needs my blood, [leaning in and winking] I can stay up all night. I’ve got stigmata.  So looks like Andy’s out. What’dya say you let me buff your bumper?

MR: Well, I did do a stint as an exotic dancer in college…

ANDY: Claps his phone shut and mutters, damn that Maxine Fortenberry and her MADV bullshit clogging up all the main arteries in my town with her protests, just like she clogged up that poor boy Hoyt’s with those potato chip sandwiches for years.  No wonder that boy was a fat kid [throws his hands in the air] What you looking at Stackhouse????

JASON: Dude!  I was just about to score

ANDY: You mean you think you were

JASON: It was in the bag ’til you jumped up screamin, “PIGGGGGGG”

MR: [Looks around nervously] Well, er, where were we? Ah, yes…

ANDY: I did not say Pig I said kid,  I ain’t seen no pigs since I stopped drinkin’  Shouldn’t you be shinin’ someone’s shoes or washin’ a carpet somewhere back at the station.

JASON: Shouldn’t you be eating a donut or somethin’?

ANDY: Just shut your pie hole Stackhouse and let me catch up.

MR: Sheriff, Jason…er… Mr. Stackhouse and I were discussing your area’s drug problem.

ANDY: Well that case out in Hot Shot is classified.

MR: No, not that Sheriff, we were talking about how Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge.  Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?

ANDY: Now those are too big of words for Stackhouse so here so let me answer it [cracks his knuckles forward and sits up proud then slumps, stumped for words] Shit, now I gotta answer it.

JASON: Isn’t as easy as it looks, huh. And, uh, Andy, that ain’t the way to talk in front of a pretty, young thing like her. [flashes a smile at the reporter]

ANDY: [leans into Jason with a whisper] This is not the time for “dick on”.

JASON: But Andy, you’ve known me all these years.  Has there ever been a time when it hasn’t been dick on?

MR: Can somebody please answer this question so we can move on?

ANDY: I’m sorry ma’am,  If you ask me, it’s gotta have something to do with that vampire boyfriend of Sookie’s. Ever since he came around, things just ain’t been the same around these parts.

JASON: Can’t we have one problem in town without blaming me or Sook?

ANDY: Well come to think of it….NO!

JASON: [crosses arms and stews]

ANDY: [looks to the Mystery Reporter] I want it on record that I was not referring to the Stackhouses as the trouble here but in fact was referring to one Vampire Bill Compton. Not my fault Stackhouse has a guilty conscience.

JASON: [mutters] Well, s’not like I got the hero bit to wash it away.

MR: Moving on, gentleman. Your area also has a fairly high crime rate for its size, reported dog fighting, a decapitated John Doe, and several missing persons cases. Is this related to the heavy drug traffic in Renard Parish?

JASON: We got dog fighting? They put on gloves and everything? I’d like to see that. [pauses] Wait a minute,  John Doe? Ain’t he that college kid we got, laying down concrete, by the courthouse? He got D-Kappa-phi’d? I didn’t know he was in a fraternity.  Weren’t you in that fraternity Andy?

ANDY:  No, the only fraternity I have ever been in is the fraternal order of police which you may never be a part of if you don’t stop being such a dumb ass!  It’s all in that manual I gave you Stackhouse.  I highly suggest you read it!

MR: Sheriff? Any thoughts on the situation?

ANDY: I’m thinking…

JASON: Don’t hurt yourself …

ANDY: About how I can get rid of Stackhouse so this town don’t get into worse shit then it has already

JASON: There you go, blaming me again! I am a COP. I uphold the law. Well, I will, soon.

ANDY: All you seem to wanna uphold is what’s in your pants Stackhouse and that aint what makes a good Cop!  It takes a lot more than just learning how to use your night stick!

JASON: Well, it makes a good tent.

ANDY: [Pinches the bridge of his nose like he’s beginning to get a head ache and shakes his head back and forth]

MR: Okay….Among the missing citizens of your area, a known vampire named Bill Compton was reported weeks ago. Some have said that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department isn’t doing all that it can to locate the man who, under federal law, is entitled to all the same rights as your human residents. What do you say to critics who claim that your department is operating under a prejudicial policy?

ANDY: Vampire Bill is technically dead so he can’t be officially missing, but for the record, he has been found.

JASON: I don’t really know what you’re talking about darlin’  [crosses his legs and rubs his chin thoughtfully] But can you put that I’m thinking intensely about this in the article and make me look good? [flashes a cheesy grin]

MR: We’ll see [winks]

ANDY: What I meant to say was we are doing our best to locate Mr. Compton. Had he still been missing, this would have been  Jason’s first case.

MR:  But Mr. Stackhouse isn’t a deputy.

ANDY: Well Bill Compton isn’t technically alive so it works.

MR: Sheriff, are you suggesting that an untrained, unofficial deputy would have been assigned with the Compton case because the victim is a vampire?

JASON: That just ain’t right, um Ma’am. I single handedly took out a whole hillbilly drug cartel all by myself. Ain’t no better training than hands on.
MR: So you would trust this summer camp graduate in an important case such as this?

JASON: [snickering] It was a little like summer camp. But with more violence and less cumbaya.

ANDY: That is not what I said. You’re twisting my words. I never said he would be doing this on his own.  He would of course have some very qualified assistance.  As for the rest of what you’re fishin’ for, no comment. [sneers]

JASON: [whispering to Andy] We can do that? We can say no comment, like in the movies?

ANDY: Of course we can, Stackhouse.  You didn’t get to that part in the manual because you didn’t read it yet!

JASON: Well, I used it to keep the desk from tipping every time I tried to play table football.

ANDY: Yes I know…I saw it on the video tape.

JASON: Then why’d you ask?

ANDY: I didn’t ask you Stackhouse. I was stating a fact!

MR: [clears throat] And finally, gentlemen, we understand that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department’s annual booster calendar will be available for purchase in the fall. Is it true that Mr. Stackhouse will be featured in nine of the twelve months?

JASON: There’s only me, Andy, Kevin, and Kenya. [leans in to the reporter] And between you and me, they ain’t exactly pin up material.

ANDY: I have not been informed of any calendar. This has Stackhouse written all over it [folds his arms and gives Jason a cold hard stare]

JASON:  I figured we’d leave the other three months out since I ran out of film.

ANDY: Maybe we could fit your sister Sookie in there Jason, being she’s always at the station for some goddamn reason or another.

JASON: [thinking about it] Nah, Sook won’t do that, she’s too shy. I could probably get Lafayette.

MR: [Gives a bashful blush] Well, could we get a preview? You know, for the paper?

ANDY: Oh God [rolls eyes].  I assure you Stackhouse and I will be discussing this matter at a later date after he’s done with his “chores”

JASON: You don’t have to ask me twice, sugar. [unbuttoning his pants, and stopping short] Andy, you may want to step out for a minute, or an hour.

ANDY: He’s lying missy…he don’t take no hour. You’re lucky if it lasts five minutes

JASON: Would you git? I’m trying to do some pubic relations here.

MR: Oh! Um, I meant… I was asking about the calendar! But, maybe Mr. Stackhouse could sign my… our copy?

ANDY:  It’s Public Relations Stackhouse, get it right!

JASON: [stopping and buckling back up] Oh, yeah, I can do that too. Whoops.

MR: Gentlemen, thank you again for having me. I appreciate you candidness.

ANDY: Anything for the press, ma’am

JASON: See, right there is where you get confusing. I ain’t had you yet.

MR: Well we can remedy that and you can come home with me and give me a private show.

JASON: I guess that’s my cue to leave.

ANDY: [grabs Jason by the back of the collar] Oh you’re leaving with me Stackhouse. I think it’s time we get you fitted for a proper uniform and I assure you that it will not have Velcro seams.

JASON: Damnit Andy!  You sure know how to piss on someone’s campfire!

MR: Well, this appears to be a record.  I have managed to live through this interview unlike my predecessors.  [checks out Jason’s ass as he walks out of the door]  Oh to be a notch in his belt, but then again, considering his track record with women…I’m probably better off.

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Mystery Reporter written by Yarrow Carmichael/Rice

Andy Bellefluer written by Cyrenna Dewhurst

Jason Stackhouse written by Michele L. Medina

Comedy Relief  supplied by B.Kent

Header credit: K. S. Rose


There’s a new Sheriff in town! Sheriff Andy Bellefleur’s Police Blotter

July 24, 2010

Bon Temps Police Blotter #142I


Great. I can’t even get my foot in the door these days without shit happening. Since Bud Dearborn left, this town’s turned into Bon Temps gone wild, especially since I have my new Deputy wannabe Jason  Stackhouse taggin’ along everywhere I go. By the looks of the complaints filling my inbox, that boy’s really gotta get a grip. “Note to self:  Speak with Stackhouse about wearing a proper uniform, starting with a shirt.”


Altercation at the local Grab-It-Quik. (I told ya’ll it was starting early these  days) Some stinking drunk in his filthy tighty whities claiming to be Sam Merlotte’s dad ran out with a 12 pack of malt liquor and a bag of kibble. I don’t care who’s daddy he might claim to be, you can’t be DIP in my town, especially at the God Damn crack of dawn. That’s Drunk In Public for those that don’t know. It’s an official police  term. Had to take him to the station to let him sleep it off. Far as I know, he’s still waiting for Sam to come and pick his ass up. I’m still wondering what he was doing with that kibble though….man don’t  even own a dog.


Sookie Stackhouse called again. Seems that vampire boyfriend of her’s is still missing. Just because she can’t keep a man doesn’t mean I have to use my good deputies to hunt him down. Man probably doesn’t wanna be found. If you ask me, Sookie ain’t wrapped to tight. This ones gonna have to wait. I have more important things to do. Like getting some jelly doughnuts and a cup of coffee. Maybe I should give this one to Jason Stackhouse and get them both out of my hair.


Sookie called….again. Seems she found Bill’s car on the road out of town. Guess this time I need to go investigate so I can shut her the hell up. Called Jason Stackhouse to meet me. May as well have him tag along so he can see just how hard this job really is. Seems my plan is working. He can deal with this while I deal with more important things like why Arlene is at the local library and called and asked Kenya if being a serial killer runs in the family.


Arrived at the scene and Stackhouse was already there and Sookie was gone. Thank God for small favors.  At least I didn’t have to sit here and listen while she ran her mouth about how we needed to drop everything and find her dead boyfriend. Bills car was tipped over and totaled. He sure did go through some extreme to get away from her…wonder what she did this time. Stackhouse was picking up what looked to be the remains of some kind of animal and tainting the evidence. What a dumb ass. I was already feeling it wasn’t the brightest move bringin’ that boy along. Time to send him back to the station to do more paperwork.

Got an anonymous tip that a local dog fighting ring is going on right here in Bon Temps. That just ain’t right. This one I’m going to investigate on my own. There is one thing I will not stand for in my town and that’s cruelty to animals.


Got a call from Kenya. Maxine Forteberry called with one of her vampire complaints again. A local teen stole 100 plastic fangs from the local five and dime parking lot and of course Maxine thinks there was some kind of vampire involvement. She is accusing Jessica Hamby of influencing the local youth into some kind of crime wave conspiracy for her own, and I quote, “sick pleasures”. Why me? Just the paperwork alone on this is going to be hell. What makes that woman think I have the time to sit down and itemize 100 plastic Fangs? I’ve got much more important things to do. Sounds like a job for Jason Stackhouse. Now that I think of it I need to look into the protocol for registering new vampires as citizens of this town.


Lunch. Time to grab a burger and fries at Merlotte’s and question Sam Merlotte about this daddy of his. Seems he may have something to do with these dogfights. Sam wasn’t too forth coming as usual. But what do I expect from a guy that runs butt naked through the woods. Hmmmm…Didn’t he say his parents were nudists??  “Note to self:  Have Stackhouse question Sam’s Daddy about this at a later date. We just may have to take some preventive measures to avoid any more “NIP’s” which is police talk for “Naked in Public”


Had the last bite of my burger when all hell broke loose. Can’t a man eat around here without something always happening???? Seems Stackhouse has been pulling over the local women and trying to get their phone numbers. How many times do I have to tell that boy only ask for the license, registration and insurance card??? Not their dang phone numbers! I swear, that boy’s gonna be the death of me!


Just as I thought the coast was clear and headed out of the driveway of Merlotte’s , I got stopped by Maxine Fortenberry….again. Another complaint against the vampires. Can’t this woman give it a rest? Ever since she started that MADV campaign I got more crimes against humanity than I can shake a stick at. Seems some local fangs were bangin’ some bangers at the local truck stop “in broad moonlight” right outside of town last night. How on earth Maxine got a youtube of this is beyond me, but she did.  Gonna have to keep this one away from Stackhouse. He’ll never get any work done if he starts investigating this. All these new crimes, I’m gonna have to make up some new police jargon. Guess I’ll be calling this one in particular FBIP for Fang Banging In Public. Sounds good to me.


Got a call from Jason Stackhouse. Seems I need to talk to Sam again about the serving of minors and the impact it has on his liquor license. According to Stackhouse, Arlene was serving the local football team while we were occupied at Bud’s retirement party. Stackhouse claimed he confiscated the evidence but in turn drank it. I must speak to him about the proper filing procedures of evidence at a later date.


Still investigating the unidentified body that was found in the ditch. Due to his lack of head and hands which are, uhhhhh, critical body parts to identify an individual, we have yet to put a name with the body. We have yet to receive any missing persons reports with the exception of Vampire Bill and it is our understanding that the vampires disintegrate upon death.


Got a call from Lettie Mae Thornton. Seems Tara’s gone missin’ again and her last phone call was to  Sookie. Here comes that name again.  Sooookie….That’s it, I’m calling  it a day. Deputy Kenya Jones can take can take it from here. Things are getting crazy, considering what’s happened in the last two weeks even for this town…But at least we know one thing, the body in the ditch, is not Tara Thornton.

Header Design: Kasandra Rose

This po-lice blotter is presented as parody of Alan Ball’s HBO original series True Blood and there is no connection to any bat shit crazy thing anyone has done, real or imagined, living or dead. If you want to report some dumb ass thing you saw in town that I gotta go look into just leave a comment below. If you wanna confess you can leave a comment too. If you wanna complain, don’t bother puttin in your 2 cents you’re probably guilty as sin. And if you wanna leave me a coupon for your eatery or the car wash just put the details in the comments section too. Yeah, it’s not anonymous, just suck it up!

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

(Header credit: Kasandra Rose)


Bon Temps Tattler: Wedding Announcements Pelt-Coot

July 22, 2010

Confessions of a Biker Bride” by Debbie P.

Guess what, Ya’ll?? I’m gettin’ hitched to Coot– the baddest, strongest, meanest biker in town. Ain’t ya jealous?? I know summa ya’ll heard that I was gonna marry that Alcide Herveaux, but that ain’t true no more. He and I just don’t see eye to eye on things and he ain’t the kinda man I want, BUT that don’t mean that ya’ll sleazy skanks can have him neither cuz you might think that you’re woman enough for him, but ya ain’t. It’s gonna take him a LONG TIME to get over the likes of me so BACK THE FREAK OFF BITCHES….especially you, Sookie Stackhouse! Stick to what you know best….datin’ dead things. But wait, your dead thing don’t want you no more, does he? Hmm, pity….NOT!

Anyways, back to me and Coot. Yup, we’re gettin’ married soon and it ain’t gonna be no traditional type weddin’ neither. That’s one thing I ain’t gonna miss about marryin’ Alcide. He wanted the big ole church weddin’ with me in a fru-fru white dress and a guest list a mile long. That just ain’t me, not now anyways. Me and Coot‘s weddin’s gonna be so cool…Lots a bikes roarin’ and beer flowin’ and meat sizzlin’ on the fire. None of that champagne toast crap for us. We’re gonna be real. We’re gonna make it all ours….despite what my Momma might think.

Speakin’ of Momma, she’s been houndin’ me to get all registered for gifts and such. I keep tryin’ ta tell her that we don’t want any of that crap from department stores. What do I need fancy dishes and crystal glasses for, huh? I am never gonna use them that’s for sure…and I don’t plan on holdin’ any fancy dinners neither. The kind of people we hang with drink straight from the beer can and eat off paper plates. I guess I can look at the Wal-Mart and see what they got for kitchen stuff. They got nice things and if sumthin’ breaks, it can be replaced real easy. One thing we do want to get are matchin’ tattoos, so ya’ll can get us gift certificates for Joe-Bob’s Tats. Also, anythin’ from the Harley Davidson Store would be cool as hell! Of course, the best gift is cold, hard cash and plenty of it!

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Bon Temps Tattler and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

(Photo credit:  HBO Inc, Gallery)

Bon Temps Tattler: It Could Be You

July 12, 2010

I think I need to write you people again, the record needs to be set straight. First let me tell you, Bill Compton is NOT my daddy; I don’t care what he thinks. He is my maker and I have to listen to him but I do have a mind of my own and I won’t be silenced. Now, Bill told me to be nice in replying to Mrs. Fortenberry so I will tell you this very nicely. I think it’s funny that Maxine Fortenberry wants to show how her underwear out in public by putting it out there that she has lesbian tendencies. Honestly, didn’t she beg me to hog tie her? I have no problem with each man, woman, vampire or even dog doing their own thing but I am into men, Mrs. Fortenberry, more specifically I love your son. He knows how to treat a lady and he is doing Renard Parish a huge service by telling all these men (and I do use that term loosely) how to treat a female vampire. I think if you are smart you could even use his tips to date human women.

Bill told you all about his history but you know nothing  about my human Daddy.   My daddy is a self-righteous dictator that did nothing but make us believe that no matter what we did we were going to hell. My mother was his door mat and never stood up for her kids. I got a kid sister that lost the only protection she had when Bill turned me. I was in school and just like every teen-age girl and I had friends. They talked me into sneaking out to go to see Twilight and that’s how I got kidnapped, how’s that for a coincidence? I know I told everyone that it was the first time I had snuck out but truth is I had snuck out two other times. I was getting pretty sure of myself till that bitch grabbed me and took me to the tribunal. Bill was to be punished for killing a vampire, but I ask you, “Who do you think got punished?”

You know what we should really be debating? Well it damn sure ain’t who is dating Hoyt Fortenberry. Do you hicks even realize the rights I lost in a split second? As soon as our lives are turned Vampire, we lose rights like voting, marriage, having children and if the churches are right then we lose our soul, with any chance of getting into heaven. I guess daddy was right after all. I love Hoyt but if Mrs. Fortenberry has her way then that right will be taken away too. I am not the girl next door, but I’m not no whore neither. She has people looking down on me for being something I have no control over. I should not be looked at like I am lower than you; in truth I am better than you. I thought you Christians believed in acceptance but all I hear is you wanting to segregate or outright kill us. I am not asking any of you to accept me into your home. Hell, most of your houses I wouldn’t enter even if I was invited.

Eric, yes I am talking about Eric Northman, Sheriff of Area Five. You know, the area you live in and where I only need his permission to hunt who and where I want? Anyways he told me not to  worry over what lower life forms think. That in time I would come to understand that you are bitter because of your short lifespans. But I don’t want to wait when my character is being drug through the mud by a holier than thou bitch.

Mrs. Fortenberry will never accept that Hoyt loves me. She will always say I tricked her little boy. I am going to tell you this just once: there ain’t anything little on that man and he dang sure ain’t no boy! But that is our business and I know Bill will tell me to behave as a young lady should. So I will quote the great Abe Lincoln “Endeavor to Persevere” I will love Hoyt Fortenberry just like he loves me. If you want to sign up for MADV just think about me when you do it. You may be the next taken to stand in for a punishment. You may be the next Jessica Hamby….

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)


Bon Temps Tattler: Sookie Stackhouse Letter to the Editor

May 27, 2010

Okay first and foremost I have been a reader of this fine paper for quite some time now and I simply cannot believe how it has now been turned into nothing but a sleezy gossip rag ever since this MADV debate came about!  How dare you Mrs. Fortenberry! Since when have you become the Bon Temps expert on dating much less Vampire dating.  I mean seriously, with all due respect, when was the last time you even went on a date?  You wouldn’t know what love was unless it came in a bag that said Frito-Lay.

As most you folks know,  I tend to speak my mind. However, Gran always taught me there’s a time and a place for everything so I’ve been holding my tongue. ‘Course, if Gran were alive and saw this MADV hogwash, she would agree now’s the time to speak out.  Honestly, I thought we all had changed since the time of the witch hunts or at least the civil war, but apparently I was dead wrong.  You call the vampires blood thirsty dead things that shouldn’t even be here?  You folks with your MADV Gossip Bee’s are far more blood thirsty than an ole vampire! All that’s missing from this little passion play are the white hoods, the torches and a few miles of rope. Y’all were running out of folks to hate and you latched onto vampires like an alcoholic craddlin’ their beer.  The vampire‘s have a right to be here just like the rest of us.  They used to have to drink human blood to survive but now they have stopped the killing and feeding off of humans.  That is unless we choose to let them feed on us, and from personal experience I can tell you, it’s A-MAZ-ing.  You really outta try it Mrs. Fortenberry.  You might just like it.

And as for the Bon Temps ‘Mother of the Year’, Mrs. Thornton.  Lord knows she has a lot nerve of throwing out scriptures like she really knows what they mean.  Mrs. Thornton, if Gran were alive today she would put you in your place right proper with a scripture or two of her own starting with Mathew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”.  Good luck with that, Mrs. Thornton, because now you have left yourself wide open.  And to even have the nerve to publicly put Miss Jeanette up on some pedestal after all she did to your very own daughter not to mention this town!  If not for you bringing her into Tara’s life in the first place, none of this would have happened and Eggs would probably still be alive today!  There’s not enough Hoe Cakes in the world to make up for what you have done. You know full well what happened to Miss Jeanette and the rest of the town had nothing to do with the vampires but was caused by Miss Jeanette foolishly calling out her Voo Doo demons to line her pockets with poor desperate folks hard earned money.  To use it as a tool for  MADV, now that’s just low, even for you.   You really did miss your callin’ as a politician (with apologies to Mayor Norris).

You, Mrs. Thornton, are so far from perfect you have no right to be throwing the first stone. Were you not the  one that held a shotgun on me and Lafayette and let Tara go right on back into the hands of that horrible Mary Ann Forester?  You knew what that woman might do to Tara because you saw it first hand!!! You should be ashamed of yourself Mrs. Thornton.  All to satisfy some selfish need you to ‘be there’ for Tara after all the years you were in the bottle when she needed you most. You still didn’t know how to be a mama and tell Tara ‘No!’ when she needed you to, to keep her safe.  But that’s really not so surprising, now is it?  After all, all Tara ever was to you was someone to wash you up after you threw up the last bottle of Vodka you were drinking, and slamming her right square in the head with it as you demanded she get you more.

You have no call to berate my brother Jason either.  If not for him protecting Tara when we were all kids, you would have killed her long ago.  And don’t you dare call me weak minded.  At least I didn’t have to spend my own daughter’s hard earned money to go conjure up spirits to save my drunken’ self!  What’s amusing is how you went so far as to make Lafayette and Tara members of MADV without even asking them.  You never cared what anyone else wanted any way.

As for you, Mrs. Fortenberry, you may condemn vampires, but I’ll have you know, Vampire Bill is the most wonderful man I have ever met and a perfect gentleman. Just his very polite response to your MADV movement is living proof of that.  As far as I’m concerned, he treated you with more respect then you deserve.  He has shown me nothing but love, loyalty and respect.  He has proven to me that what ya’ll think makes me strange is in fact a gift and something to be grateful for.  Vampires may be dead, but they can feel love just like anyone else.  I have seen this and felt this with my boyfriend Bill.  He makes me feel….human.  My Gran, God bless her soul, approved of him and now my brother Jason has finally come to his senses about Vampire Bill as well.  We’re just one big happy family now, so you and your little followers just better get used to it.  For once in my life I feel like I belong and am loved for who I am. I know what y’all are thinkin’, there’s that “Crazy Sookie Stackhouse, that girl just ain’t right, she ain’t nothin’ but a fangbangen slut, that girl” and worse things y’all should be ashamed of!

In closing, the only one I feel sorry for is your son Hoyt.  You really should think about his feelings and put your own aside.  Jessica is the same as any other teenage girl and needs to be guided and helped especially since she was made a vampire so young and against her will. You know, you could really be the mother she needs. You must have some mothering left in you, Hoyt turned out good, the Lord alone knows how.  She loves your son and he loves her.  So what if she wears red shoes and she is vampire, she is good for Hoyt and that is all that matters.    You could learn from your son right about now Mrs. FortenberryHoyt is much like my Vampire Bill.  He knows how to love someone for who they are.  In every parents life there comes the time to let their child go and respect their choices, it’s the only way to keep them close to your heart.

And now for my Word of the Day!!!


a noun

1. refuse given to hogs; swill.

2. any worthless stuff.

3. meaningless or insincere talk, writing, etc.; nonsense; bunk.

Funny how irony happens!

Oh, and before I forget, make sure ya’ll make it to *Wednesday night  All you can Eat Wings* night at Merlotte’s.  After all,  everyone knows  Sam has the best wings in the Parish.  See you then!

Sookie Stackhouse

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)


Bon Temps Tattler: Det. Bellefleur’s Police Blotter #141

May 19, 2010

The Tattler asked me to write up all the bat shit crazy stuff I run into in a day in Bon Temps so here it is. Maybe it will teach a few folks a lesson about how important the police department is and that when you go around runnin’ nekid through the swamps the whole town’s gonna know about it! And remember, it’s Detective Bellefleur not Andy!

Police Blotter # 141
9am:  Jane Bodehouse  called to say her dog had locked her out of her running car, how in Gods name one allows that to happen is beyond me.   I may have to speak to Sam Merlotte about his responsibility as a business owner and that his ABC license could be revoked at any time.

9:15am: Damn Bud radios in to say good morning, I know he’s checking up on me to see if I’m up and about, I wasn’t born yesterday BUD!!!!

9:30am: Driving this damn patrol car and I still smell Gas, cheap town is gonna poison my ass being too cheap to fix things.

10am: Swung by Dunkin Doughnuts for a cup of coffee and some  jelly donuts, someone had already bought all the damn jelly ones, I had to settle for the gross damn apple crumb ones. I can tell this is going to be a real shitty day. Noticed that Lafayette was drinking a Latte and shoving a jelly one in his yap.   I swear he times this shit.

10:14am: Leaving Dunkin Doughnuts the dispatcher calls, someone had appeared to have broken into the SPCA. All the cats are missing and nothing else, this is gonna be fun.

10:20am: Arriving at the SPCA I see that no damage is done, but I’ll be damned if all the cats weren’t  missing. Who the hell would want all these damn cats? The ladies talked my ass off and then proceeded to tell me about their life stories and then asked if I had any recipes for Apple pies. Lord help me. And told the ladies, again!!! I am not interested in adopting any dogs and especially that damn cockapoo!!!

10:40am: Went by the Grabbit Kwik to get some Gatorade but had to deal with some damn kids pushing each other in shopping carts running into walls and side of cars. Damn kids have no respect today for authority, after getting the damn drink which wasn’t very cold, I found the damn kids had stuck bubble gum onto my windshield!!! I’m gonna shoot one of them one of these days!!!

12 noon: Lunch time, Merlotte’s again and got the same damn thing, Cheeseburger and Fries and Sweet Tea. Again the stuff was greasy as hell but good, the tea helps settle my stomach. Gets a call from Bud, Kenya and I are to go direct traffic for a funeral procession, SHIT!!!!

1:25pm: Damn it was hot as Hell and that Kenya has an attitude!! Can’t say shit without it being an insult about her gender!!! It was hot as shit and damn it I’m sweating like a pig!!!

3pm: Arlene reported a suspicious male walking door-to-door in the neighborhood, asking people if he could see their gas and electric bills. I’d figure she’d be happy being that she’s always lookin for the wrong type of man.  It even  turned out to be a mental patient that escaped from the local hospital.  I’m loving this town more and more everyday!!!

5pm: A woman reported a bully scaring her kids, it turned out to be Arlene Fowler’s boy Kody pretending to be a Vampire,  Sheriff Eric Northman to be exact.  Kody claimed he could fly.  Arlene has been advised to tame her kid and keep him grounded….literally.  I don’t think I’ll eat at Merlotte’s for a few days.

5:25pm: Drove by Terry Bellefleur’s house, I call it his Compound, he was decked out in his camouflage cleaning his rifle.  I just shook my head  and kept driving!   Some things are just better left alone.

6:15pm: Sure enough fifteen minutes left before I get to go home Maxine Fortenberry calls in to put in a missing person report AGAIN for Hoyt. How the hell did she get my cell number?  She is crying because he has been off work for 45 mins and has not reported home as of yet. She is concerned it is after sunset and he has been abducted by Vampires, she said he’s been very disrespectful ever since he *got* with that Red haired one that stayed at the Compton house with Vampire Bill. I had to once again remind her that in order to file a missing persons report one has to be missing for a minimum of 24hrs, she said she will take it up with my superiors. Good luck Sheriff Bud Dearborne!!! I’m goin home!!!!

Header Design: Kasandra Rose

This po-lice blotter is presented as parody of Alan Ball’s HBO original series True Blood and there is no connection to any bat shit crazy thing anyone has done, real or imagined, living or dead. If you want to report some dumb ass thing you saw in town that I gotta go look into just leave a comment below. If you wanna confess you can leave a comment too. If you wanna complain, don’t bother puttin in your 2 cents you’re probably guilty as sin. And if you wanna leave me a coupon for your eatery or the car wash just put the details in the comments section too. Yeah, it’s not anonymous, just suck it up!


Bon Temps Tattler: The Truth Shall Set You Free!

April 19, 2010

Good morning Bon Temps Tattler readers I hope you have a wonderful, God fearing day, I say good morning because good Christian folks will read this in the morning, as for the others, well I don’t reckon I care much on how their night is going.

I, Lettie Mae Thornton, am here as a disciple of Christ; he came to me in a dream and told me, “Lettie Mae you need to help my poor child Mrs. Fortenberry for she is fighting demons on her own doorstep.”  Now you all know I am not one to turn my back on my Lord, so I am here to defend the honor of my dear sister in Christ, even if she is in the wrong church.

She is dealing with things that even my Tara won’t have nothing to do with, my Tara, she ain’t a good girl but she ain’t stupid neither. Look here, I ain’t one to be saying anything bad about no family members; Lord knows I am praying for my Tara and that Lafayette will just be the death of me, but that Hoyt Fortenberry needs to have a willow switch taken to his backside. Everything mines has done can be forgiven but if that Hoyt gets turned into one of those night creatures, well there is just ain’t no hope for him, worse it would break his poor momma’s heart.

The good book has shown us the way; we just got to follow the path. Matthew 5:19 says: “But I say unto you, That ye resist not evil: but whosoever shall smite thee on thy right cheek, turn to him the other also.” I believe this is telling us that we will need to be in the mist of them but we must turn from them, not even looking at them. I draw the line at my childrens thou, they are weak and we as elders need to show them the way. This is what Mrs. Fortenberry has done with her new group and I do stand with her on this worthy fellowship.

Deuteronomy 31:6 says: “Be strong and courageous. Do not be afraid or terrified because of them, for the LORD your God goes with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.” This I believe is the verse that Mrs. Fortenberry truly needs for she is doing the Lords work in the MADV organization. I will sign up and help her anyway I can.

I contacted the Shreveport church called Fellowship of the Sun; I was convinced they were very good till I found out that Jason Stackhouse had been a member. Lord above knows those Stackhouse’s are always into the dark arts, I am not one to gossip but isn’t that what cause the death of Adele Stackhouse? Had Sookie not been sleeping with that Vampire Bill then Adele would still be with us and I would bet she would be helping Mrs. Fortenberry too. I believe that Miss Jeanette would still be with us too, if not for those devil lovers. I asked the Fellowship to come down in the future to show Mrs. Fortenberry their full support.

I do hope that Hoyt understands the danger his mother has put herself in just to protect him. I am one that truly believes that children are a reflection of their parents, but there are times that this is not correct. Myself and Mrs. Fortenberry are very good examples of this, take that Hoyt for example. He has started dating that girl Jessica Hamby, flaunting her in his mother’s face. I was so embarrassed for my sister when I heard she dined with it. Hoyt you should be ashamed to do that to that good Christian woman, but what did the gossip minded want to talk about? All they talked about was Maxine drinking a couple of beers, if that is all they noticed then this town is doomed to hell.

Now I have given my two cents on this subject and I will be at church on Sunday morning and bible study every Thursday afternoon at the VFW. I will be passing out the MADV pamphlets along with my church notices. I have become a member, also signed Tara and Lafayette up as well; no they don’t know, but there are times the blind must be led. We would appreciate your support as well; we are in a war with the devil. Praise Jesus, we were winning till Satan made his servants so appealing, attacking the weak minded like Sookie Stackhouse and Hoyt Fortenberry.

Praise the Lord and may his light shine on you as it has me,

Mrs. Lettie Mae Thornton

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.


Bon Temps Tattler: Bill Compton Sinks His Fangs Into The MADV Debate

April 8, 2010

Dear Editor,
After careful consideration, I have decided to express my views on the recent articles printed in this paper, speaking out for and against those of my kind. My name is Bill Compton and I am Vampire.
I am a resident here in Bon Temps, having lived here before I was turned at the end of the Civil War. My human family has lived here for generations and I have returned to reclaim our homestead as a rightful heir. I have become acquainted with many in this town, having seen my share of positive and negative receptions to my existence. My goal here is to set the record straight.
Though it has only been a few years since the “Great Revelation”, where those of my kind were able to “Come out of the coffin” and live openly amongst Humans, there are still many prejudices that surround us. First and foremost, I would like for your readers to understand is that all vampires, no matter how old they are, started off as human. Yes, there are many differences between our species, but there are also similarities. We all seek comfort, stability, security, and companionship in our quest for existence, though our appetites and drives to achieve such things are very different. While humans have free will to make decisions for themselves on how they accomplish the successes of their lives, vampires are driven by impulse and instinct. We are not allowed, by our nature, to defy our Elders nor our Makers and must obey their laws and direct orders or pay dire consequences. There is a involuntary reaction within us to follow the decisions made by those ranked higher than us. This concept is difficult to describe, but lets just say that if a human parent tells their child that they are not allowed to have a cookie, that child makes a decision whether or not to listen to their parent’s law.
As vampire, we are physically stopped within ourselves from doing such deviance’s as we are held to that law or order as a bond. Why am I sharing this important information with you? It is because I want your readers to understand the basic concepts of how the nature of a vampire works.

With that said, there are some things that we have control over as far as how we exist. Before the “Great Revelation”, it was decided by a majority of my kind to reveal ourselves and our existence in order to live freely amongst Humans all thanks to the invention of synthetic blood by the Japanese. While there are a few brands out there for us to choose from, True Blood seems to be a favorite amongst my kind. Though it doesn’t provide us with all of the satisfaction of drinking fresh blood, it does contain all the essentials we need to survive. It’s kind of like living strictly on Slim-Fast shakes—it subdues our hunger until the next time we drink, though there are many temptations out there. It does take a lot of determination to go against our nature in this way, but it is one that many choose as a sacrifice to exist openly and freely. Those of us who have chosen to live this bottled lifestyle are called main-streamers. Yes, there are still some of my kind that choose to live by traditional methods, but I can assure your readers that you will not find these vampires living right next door.

Through human “free will”, many have decided to open themselves up to my kind for the pleasure of being fed from. This consensual agreement between vampire and human adults should not be privy to laws, just as consensual sexual relations between adults should not be judged. To my kind, they are one in the same. With the discovery of willing humans, we are free to form personal and emotional relationships with those of your kind, that has developed far beyond the exchange of blood. As I have said before, we all seek comfort, stability, security, and companionship’s—for some of us, it is difficult and almost impossible to find within our own species. I, for one, am honored and proud to date a human woman and there is no court in this land that will make me change my mind on that. She has been my salvation in my world of eternal darkness and I am very grateful to her— more than she will ever know. I have grown to love and respect her for who she is and she returns the same to me.

To address the public debate being held between my ward, Jessica Hamby; her beau, Hoyt Fortenberry; and his mother, Maxine Fortenberry, I would like to express my views as I am responsible for Miss Hamby. Though I did not agree with Jessica’s approach in this matter, she does make several valid points. I agree with her theory that the creation of this anti-vampire group (MADV) by Mrs. Fortenberry is out of denial that her son is now a grown man who can make decisions for himself. Might I remind your readers that organizations such as this breed hate and misinformation, not to mention discrimination, which is unconstitutional.

I can not say that I am not in support of Jessica dating a human since I do so myself, but I do wish that she would have waited until she matured a bit. Being a new vampire is tough enough to experience without adding the pressures and emotions of dating for the first time as well. I wish to assure Mrs. Fortenberry that I am trying my best to raise Jessica in the ways of the main-streaming vampire. She was not exposed to existence before the “Great Revelation” where hunting and feeding was our only option of survival, so this modern way is all she will have to go by.

I must admit that I am not experienced in raising a teenager, having last seen my own children when they were still so young. Also, it has been well over a century since I have been that age, so it is difficult for me to relate to what Jessica is going through, but with the help from my intended, Miss Sookie Stackhouse, I hope to explore that education. It is unfortunate for Jessica that at the time of her turning, she was still a virgin, so she will forever remain that way physically, just as she will remain forever young. From what I read of Hoyt’s submission, Mrs. Fortenberry should be proud of her son and the fact that she raised him with the right knowledge of how to treat a lady—-a value that has gone by the wayside in this day and age, but I can only hope that he shows patience and restraint for Jessica’s situation. It is not her choice for what she became and therefore cannot bear the blame for it. That fault lies with me as I was ordered to turn her for my actions in defending the life of a human. I do not regret what I did to receive this sentence, but I will do my best to do right by Jessica and to teach her properly.

Perhaps, if she is willing to discuss things amicably, I would invite Mrs. Fortenberry to sit down with me to discuss the relationship between her son and my ward, just as any parents would normally do. There is nothing to fear in having an open discussion and might I remind Mrs. Fortenberry who took care of her during her “illness” a few weeks ago. I believe she will recall what I am referring to and by the way, Mrs. Fortenberry, I have yet to beat your high score on Dead Space: Extraction for the Nintendo Wii. Perhaps you can share with me your successful gaming secrets once we have reached an agreement on this other personal matter. I look forward to your reply.

Cordially Yours,

William T. Compton


Bon Temps Tattler: Maxine Fights Back

April 1, 2010

Citizens of Bon Temps, I come here today with a heavy heart. I cannot believe my boy Hoyt has joined in the forces of the vampire against his own mother. Instead of coming to my defense and joining in helping my cause, MADV, Mothers Against Dating Vampires, he is now leading others into the path of destruction. If I didn’t see it myself I would not have believed my boy would stoop so low as to write a column about dating dead things! Even goin’ so far as to bring up my treatment of black folk! With God as my witness, believe me when I tell you, some of my best friends are black folk! And Hoyt knows I have no problem with letting Lafayette cook me up some of his delicious fried chicken.

And as for his little harlot hog tying me? I dare her. That just goes to show you readers: these creatures of the night are not like the rest of us. Here they are wanting the same rights as us humans but I don’t expect a shark to have the same rights as I do just because they eat a person now and then. What’s next? Are we gonna be givin’ rights to to lions and sharks and bears? Just because we’re their food and we’re the vampires’ food? I tell you it just ain’t natural. The only man that will ever get my respect for rising’ from the dead is the good Lord Jesus.

As for the returning of her so called virtue, that’s God’s way of punishing her for being the undead and fornicating with a sweet innocent boy like my Hoyt. Again, it’s just unnatural! If God wanted us to have relations with dead things, he would have made that the 11th commandment but unfortunately for her there are only 10! So if you’re reading this you fly-by-night Jezebel, you need to do us both a favor and stay away from my boy! Because next time, I might not be so nice.

For all those who are true to this cause, we will be selling bumper stickers and t-shirts along with informational pamphlets on *How Not to Date a Vampire* at the next meeting for the Decedents of the Glorious Dead, who died for our country,  and stayed dead, unlike some folks who shall remain nameless.

*MADV Because Mama knows Best!*

Maxine Fortenberry

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)