True Blood’s Main Maker Dishes About Sookie’s Swan Song:

April 11, 2013

Author Charlaine Harris Talks About “Dead Ever After”, the Final Southern Vampire Installment

DEAD-EVER-AFTER-COVER

Charlaine Harris, author of the Southern Vampire series of books, sat down with Entertainment Weekly to discuss the end of Sookie’s story. ‘Dead Ever After’ is the 13th, and final book in the series that inspired HBO’s True Blood, and Ms. Harris says this is the conclusion she had always planned to write. Despite reader complaints or requests, Ms. Harris remained true to her own vision of the universe she created.

While Ms. Harris enjoyed the world she built around the town of Bon Temp, Louisiana, she feels that she has told all of Sookie’s story there is to tell. While she received much reader feedback, Ms. Harris knows her characters best and remained true to her vision. She is very excited to be moving on to new projects now.

“I’m sorry, this is the universe I’m the queen of. The readers can get pretty angry and tell me I’m writing the characters wrong. I hardly see how that could be possible. They’re my characters!”

Eric is a Fully Developed Character and Ms. Harris Loves How True Blood is Different from Her Novels

When asked about the sometimes angry reaction to how she has occasionally written the character of Eric, Ms. Harris responds that she believes she created a fully developed character, with both good and bad traits. Readers don’t always react well when one of Eric’s less attractive traits plays into the story she is telling.

Ms. Harris enjoys the True Blood series, especially in the way it differs from her books. She admires the writers of the show, and doesn’t believe she could ever successfully write a script for True Blood.

“But at the same time, True Blood gives you the same characters in a completely new environment.”

As far as future projects go, Ms. Harris has begun a brand new series. She has also written a graphic novel with Christopher Golden that is due to be released in December of this year. Currently, she is working on another anthology with Toni Kelner, and is editing a number of stories. As for what type of project Ms. Harris would like to work on if she had the chance, she would like to have one of her books made into a movie. Having learned how television works, that seems to be a logical next step.

For fans of the original books that inspired the series, True Blood, ‘Dead Ever After’ releases May 7th.

 

Source: Entertainment Weekly

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The Franklin Files — Happy New Year

January 7, 2011

The Franklin Files” – Happy New Year

“Here drink this.” Jesus handed Lafayette a Bloody Mary. “Trust me, you two will feel a whole lot better and I’m a nurse. And I added a little secret magic to it, too.” He handed one to Tara who was laying head to toe with Lafayette on the couch and looked like she could be a vampire. She was the absolute color of death.

“Please tell me I’m not going to see no visions. I swear if I see visions as soon as I can lift myself off this couch I’ll kick your sorry ass from here to Tijuana.”

“No worries, sweetheart, it’s all spices from your local grocery store. My, my, you two are wee bit touchy this morning.”

“Sorry, babe, as much as I love them, I don’t do Champagne and Courvoisier together real well. But I sure seemed to like it last night – a lot.” Lafayette lifted the damp cloth from his face and attempted to smile.

“You sure did. You liked a lot of other things, too…”

“Oh, really…honestly, I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened after I stopped cooking the last couple of specials Sam had going last night. I can’t believe people really ponied up $13.95 for some cocktail shrimp and 6 oz sizzler. Hard to believe that’s the fanciest “Turf and Surf” they’ve ever seen in Merlotte’s, let alone Bon Temps. But I guess with a complimentary glass of champagne, noise maker and a party hat, it was a pretty nice event at the bar.”

“Well, I can tell you, everyone had a really nice time, especially you,” Jesus started to laugh, looking at Tara, “and Sookie. When you two started doing the can-can on top of the bar, I gained a whole new respect for you. Doing ‘The Bump?’ I didn’t know anyone still knew that old dance existed anymore. And when you closed it all out with ‘The Macarena’! It was absolutely classic!”

Tara groaned, and somehow managed to hit him dead on in the face with pillow, “You can shut the hell up any old time now.”

“My, my, my, okay, I can see my attempts at a lighthearted banter is getting me nowhere with the two of you.  How about I read you a little story. Have you checked in with Franklin lately? Do you know how his New Year’s began? Lafayette told me that his mother is missing and you think she’s been turned to the ‘dark side’ but have you read anymore?”

Tara answered, rather peevishly, “I really was starting to feel sort of sorry for Franklin which really pissed me off so I didn’t want to read anymore but what the hell I already feel like crap. Let’s go ahead and see what’s happened to his mommy dearest. The book is in the back closet under some blankets.” She threw her elbow over her forehead as if she were a movie star having a fainting spell on a chaise lounge in some long ago Bette Davis black and white movie.

Soon, Jesus returned the old battered journal. “I swear I don’t know how this thing holds together. And how many more are there?”

“Enough to keep us reading for a very long time. So start reading already.”

“Obviously, you need to drink more of my special Bloody Mary, Tara.” She gave Jesus the evil eye. “Whoa, girl, I know you don’t want to go toe-to-toe, evil eye-to-evil eye with me, girl. You have no idea who I am. But for the sake of your cousin, I’ll shut up and start reading.”

“Pleeeeease. Y’all need to stop. I’m in pain, and I love you both, but if you don’t start reading in ten, you will find both your butts on the porch.” Lafayette was coming to life, but quickly laid his head back down with a hand to the forehead and an, “Ouch.”

“Alright, ‘ladies,’ settle down, I’m reading.”

Tuesday, January 1, 1856

I am defeated – and not just a little bit drunk. If I could I would drink every alcoholic spirit available in England and under the authority of the English Crown and on the Continent – and it would still not be enough to erase the terrors. Last night was the most glorious night of my life and this morning the most terrifying and terrible.

Gwendolyn’s family invited me to their home to celebrate the welcoming of the New Year. It was a beautiful dinner with many friends and family and altogether helped to take my mind off the tragedy of these last few days. Lost in the presence of Gwen’s beauty and grace, I have to admit that there were a few moments when I even forgot that mother was missing at all. Gwendolyn’s parents were most solicitous and her sweet mother took me aside in the salon and most kindly offered that even though she knew she were a poor substitute, when Gwendolyn and I were married she would do her best to be a mother to me if my own were not to be found. She begged my pardon if it were too soon to say such a thing, and I assured her that, indeed, it was not. I really do love her, she is kind and warmhearted and, is in so many ways, the sort of mother I’ve always dreamed that I might possess.

After some dessert, drinks, singing, and parlor games, Gwendolyn’s parents allowed that since the night was not so chilly, I might wrap Gwendolyn up and we might walk along the terrace for a moment of privacy. I was astounded! But we are engaged to be married and had over the evening discussed a wedding date in mid-June, after the Sunday of the Trinity, it seemed a walk alone was not inappropriate. My heart was soaring! I thought it the most glorious evening of my life. And then Gwendolyn made it even better. She grew quite affectionate with me, more than she ever had, reaching inside my heavy coat, daring to touch me in places I didn’t even know she knew existed. Her touch was tentative at first, but she grew ever more daring and I was shocked at her courage.

“Gwendolyn, I think you must stop. While I am delight to find you so enthusiastic, I am afraid I am overcome with passion for you right now and in my emotional state right now, I don’t know that I can stop myself if I should return your affection.”

“My sweet, sweet, dark haired boy. I don’t want you to stop. I’ve been talking to Mrs. General and I am sure you believe her a just an old prude, but you’d be surprised to find her otherwise. We’ve talked about the torture you must be under, and how I might alleviate your suffering, not to mention my own grief at feeling so helpless to see your deepening sadness. I want to help you, to comfort you, and we’ve agreed this is the best possible thing I could do for you right now.”

I opened my mouth to protest but she put her gloved hand to my mouth to silence me. “Meet Mrs. General in three-quarters of an hour at the kitchen entrance. She is going to bring you to me. And before you say that you won’t come, if you don’t then I am prepared to run away to the vicarage and say that you kidnapped me.”

“Well, what choice do I have then? I think this idea unwise, but I will come, if only to prevent you running away in the middle of the night. We will talk some more and then I will leave. But I promise you, I will do nothing to besmirch your honor, Gwendolyn. I would rather die first.”

“Franklin, I am to be your wife in just a few months. Just come to me.” And then she took me back inside and she bid goodnight to the group. I, too, said my farewells and went outside to ride my horse a ways off and then came round to the back of their stables where I tied him in the back of the stable yard. I made my way to the kitchen while guests were saying their goodbyes at the front door and the main lights of the kitchen had gone out. Mrs. General took me up a back stairway and I quickly found myself alone with the most ravishing creature I had ever seen in my life.

Gwendolyn was dressed in the most beautiful white linen nightgown and her golden hair was down. I could hardly speak or move for fear that I might break the  vision that stood before me. But I didn’t have to move for she came to me. And with a boldness that I hardly knew she had, she began to undress me. I would have spoken up to resist – if I could have remembered how to speak at all. She kissed my throat, my chest, and ran her hands along my spine, and when she started to reach for my trousers, I finally got a hold of myself.

“Gwendolyn, no! This is not needed. You must not. You cannot. Your honor is too important to me, my lady. I will not spoil you in this way, my dear, sweet, love of my life.”

“Franklin, darling, you know that I love you?”

“Yes, my love.”

“And we will spend eternity together as man and wife?”

“Yes, my love.”

“Then, my love, Mrs. General says this is all perfectly all right, and so I am going to help you forget your misery and you will put me out of mine.” And then she took me by the hand and led me to her bed. I dare say that Mrs. General did more than just convince her that this was a good idea, for she seemed quite knowledgeable about what to do. But how can I even think about that now? My God, what sort of monster am I?

After the sweetest few hours of my life, making love to her by the light of the sliver of the quarter moon, and taking sweet slumber in each other’s arms off and on I could see that the future could indeed be bright. Mother or not, I would be happy in my marriage to the wondrous, marvelous creature. I stole myself away while it was still dark, not wanting to risk being caught by anyone stirring in the house. As I was riding away I couldn’t resist going back to take one last look at that beloved window wherein my lay my beloved. When I drew close to the house I saw two dark figures climbing out that very same window. I let out a shout and I swear they took to the air!

I drove the horse to the house and mounted the back stairs to her bedroom to find Gwendolyn her beautiful night gown shredded to pieces and she was covered in blood with not only the deep fang marks of before but actual gashes as if she, herself, had been torn apart. I took her in my arms and tried to rouse her, but there was no life in her. I let out a yell that brought the whole house to her room. I told them that I could not sleep and so I went out for a ride and saw the two figures coming out of her window. I left out the part about them flying for fear they’d think I’d gone absolutely mad, but I know that is the truth of it and I will not rest until I discover who they are.

As the chaos ensued and we waited for the doctor’s arrival, I went to the window to see if I could learn anything about these horrible murderers. As I looked down at the exterior window casing, I saw something caught there between it and the roof. It was a gold bracelet with small rubies that belongs to Mother. I grabbed the bracelet and put it in my pocket. I’m not telling the constable, at least not yet.

Because I am the source of all this death and suffering. Obviously, the same people who did this to Gwendolyn are the same people that have taken Mother, and the only conclusion I can make is that it is someone out to hurt me. The only connection between the two of them is that I love them with my whole heart, so that must be why Gwendolyn was killed tonight. It is my fault.  I feel such terrible guilt that I’d gladly give my own life for hers. I’d gladly take my own life except for one thing – I will have my vengeance upon the killers…I have one clue to follow, there was the note upon my pillow when I returned home, “Never forget, I am always and forever watching you.” It must be linked to the killers.

“Well, I think we are beginning to know when psycho Franklin began to appear,” Lafayette took a long drink from his Bloody Mary. The room was silent for a while.

“How are you two feeling now? Any better? Can I get you a refill?” Jesus closed the book and got up to take their glasses. “By the way, I love these old Flintstone glasses, very classy.”

“You better step off my Betty and Wilma’s. I’ll have you know it took a lot flea market shopping to put that collection together.” Lafayette feigned being indignant.

“Well, yabba-dabba-doo. Hand me your glass so I can fill up good old Betty for you and Tara, let me catch your little old Pebbles.” Jesus reached for her class.

“After, that journal entry, you better make me a Pebbles and Bam-Bam.”

Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers who contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Graphics By: Sarahfina

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Doggonit!

November 11, 2010

Bon Temps Animal Rescue Log Book

Saturday November 6, 2010

Recorded by: Beauregard Johnson, Director of Animal Rescue

Yet again, I am going to have to find myself a new intern. Over the last three months, I have gone through four interns. I never thought working in a quiet town like Bon Temps would be so stressful! If it’s not one thing it’s another, the last one quit while rambling something about a panther. Seriously, a panther in Bon Temps? I swear these kids get crazier and crazier!

Monday night I left my newest intern, Miss Cici Patton, working here as usual. I didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary and figured she could handle whatever happened. Around 1:30 AM someone began pounding on the door saying they were here to turn over the biggest dog they’d ever seen. Apparently, they had chained the dog up when they’d found it sleeping in their yard. Miss Patton let them in and got a glimpse of the dog and according to her own written statement, “It was the biggest maama ja hamma she had ever seen.”

After recording the take in time and where the dog had been found, she loaded him into a kennel and went about the rest of the night’s work. About 45 minutes later she heard a commotion in the front of the building. Sookie Stackhouse was banging on the front door. Cici let her in and reported that Miss Stackhouse seemed frantic as she explained that she was searching for a large dog she’d been watching for a friend. She went on to describe the animal that had just been brought in.

Here is where the story gets really odd. Miss Patton says that she escorted Miss Stackhouse back to the kennel and Cici swears that there was no dog inside. She stated that she would put her hand to the bible and swear that there had been a large naked man inside of the kennel. Of course, it was difficult to get an accurate account of the situation because Miss Patton reports that she had passed out and when she awoke Miss Stackhouse and the naked man had disappeared.  Furthermore, Miss Patton was rambling like a crazy person and promptly told me in no uncertain terms what I could do with the intern position here at the animal shelter, just before slamming out of the building.

I contacted Miss Stackhouse to inquire about the incident. She said that although her friend from Shreveport had already been by to pick up his dog, she would be delighted to bring the dog back in so that I could see for myself that it was indeed real. She apologized if anything might have frightened away my intern, but that in her opinion, nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

I assured her that it would not be necessary to bring the dog in.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Recorded by: Beauregard Johnson, Director of Animal Rescue

A very nice gentleman came by the shelter today and brought a donation check for $5,000. His name was Alcide Herveaux. His donation came with one strange request however, that we build some bigger kennels.


Disclaimer: “Doggonit!” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such is presented here for your amusement. The writers have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Reagan Grimes

Dog Catcher Grahpic Credit: www.columbuser.com

Baby Werewolf Graphic Credit: www.cafepress.com/+cartoon-werewolf+posters

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Bon Temps Horrorscopes — Venus Says What?

October 13, 2010

Sookie tries to avoid reading the newspaper, mostly because she has no interest in seeing people blast their hate for just about everyone and everything in black and white, but every now and again she likes to look at the comics. It’s a balmy evening as she sits on the couch in the living room listening to the sound of the cicada’s song through the open window and thumbs through today’s copy of the Bon Temps Tattler.

The horoscopes.  Well, not that there’s any truth to this stuff, but who knows maybe there’s some good news for me and my friends.

Leo (7/23-8/22)

It is a well kept secret that that Leo is very sensitive. And one way they protect their marshmellowy center is by putting up walls made of steel. You don’t have to take the walls down completely because, again, no one really knows how soft it is in there, but think about building a window so you can reach a hand out every once and a while to ask for help.

“I’ll think about it,” Sookie mumbles to herself.

On to see what Eric’s horoscope has to say.

Virgo (8/23-9/22)

Perfection is the only measure Virgo lives by and you are no exception. But, ask yourself who exactly measures up? You’ll find that the list is very short with present company excluded of course. Try knocking that perfection standard down a notch and you’ll actually enjoy the company that appears. If you knock it down they will come!

“Amen for Eric. I wonder if he reads the newspaper?” Sookies rolls her eyes as she begins to think about Bill and goes on to read his horoscope.

Libra (9/23-10/22)

Libra is one of the more open signs out there. But recently this hasn’t been your way. Libras are naturally social creatures so it can’t be easy secluding yourself like you have recently. Get out and involve yourself with a new group of people, your mind will enjoy the vacation.

“Good luck on meeting new people in Bon Temps. Lord knows it’s smaller than an ant hill.”  Sookie retorts, then snaps her head further down to continue reading.

Scorpio (10/23-11/21)

Scorpios can’t help but ask, “What about me?” at every turn. This week try listening to others. You just might find a new love interest, a meaningful friendship or possibly your soul mate.

“Ha! Fat chance for Andy and Pam. Those two might as well be looking for their soul mates in a pit of vipers!” She fairly growled out loud before checking out the next sign.

Sagittarius (11/22-12/21)

The Sagittarius is always looking for a good time and fun to be around. But it’s time to buckle down and put some plans on paper. Unfortunately, the party’s over.

“I’m pulling for you, Jason. You deserve everything you work for.” As mad as her brother could make her, Sookie would always want the best for him.

Capricorn (12/22-1/19)

Loyalty is one of your best qualities and one of your faults, Capricorns. You need to decide when enough is enough and cut the rope. Remember, loyalty is no good if it’s not recognized. At the end of the day, save yourself!

“I’m so thankful for everything Alcide has done for me. I’ve got to remember to tell him that. And he ain’t so hard on the eyes either.” She let out a dreamy sigh.

Aquarius (1/20-2/18)

Aquarians have a tendency to be wrapped up in their own head and this can come across as distant when in truth, you really care. Try expressing your feelings to your loved ones, you will only gain great things. Surprise: They may feel the same.

“Oh! So that’s what is going on with Jessica and Hoyt. There’s hope for them yet.” Sookie couldn’t help feeling hopeful excitement for the young couple.

Pisces (2/19-3/20)

We all know how things should be but rarely are. Get your head out of clouds and deal with reality. It’s never fun but  just promise yourself that you’ll return to the heavens once you put out some fires here on earth.

“I know you can pull through this, Tara. I hope you can feel my love and know I’m here for ya, girl.”  She sent a mental boost of love out her living room window.

Aries (3/21-4/19)

All Aries need a time out to be with themselves and this is especially true for the coming week. We all know Aries have a tendency to be stubborn. Instead of being fixated on making others see things your way, back off and spend some time by yourself to contemplate why you are campaigning so hard for your point of view. Maybe there’s a reason others are opposed to it.

“Yeah, right! Tommy needs a little more than just alone time. He needs some serious anger management classes.” Sookie clucked her tongue.

Taurus (4/20-5/20)

The Taurus likes to think outside the box and as a result they spend a lot of time defending themselves. You are an expert at this. However,  the  people in your life you are slow to move the way you want them to. Have no fear loved ones should come around at the end of the month. And remember, sometimes you win some sometimes you lose.

“Sam is such a good person. Hopefully he’ll find someone he’ll be able to share his secret with.” She crossed her fingers for all she was worth.

Gemini (5/21-6/20)

You are an exciting and charismatic creature. This week you will have a prime audience for your captivating show. Lights, camera, action! The stage is all yours. Just remember; you want to keep them coming back for more.

“Gee,  when is Lafayette never ready to perform?” Sookie chuckled and shook her head ruefully.

Cancer (6/21-7/22)

Even though your sign is a crab, try not to act like one. Everyone goes through problems daily and you are no exception. Try and handle your issues backstage instead of front and center. The people around you may be getting tired of it.

“Amen, Arlene. Not that you’d think this could possibly be describing you!”

Sookie flips the paper over to the comic section and wonders if there’ll be any words of wisdom waiting for her in “Kathy” or “The Family Circus”. She settles deeper into the comfy old couch thinking maybe she should read the paper more often.

Disclaimer: This is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Bon Temps Horrorscope” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written by: Ayondela McDole

(Photo Source: www.mythicjourneys.org)

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Joe Manganiello’s Hopes About Sookie and David Bowie For Season 4

September 18, 2010

Season 3 of True Blood was a lot sexier thanks to Joe Manganiello, who plays werewolf Alcide Herveaux. Now a series regular, Joe spoke about Season 4 at the Alice and Olivia New York Fashion Week event.

He talks a little about the future for his characters as well as Sookie, but what’s really interesting is his hope to have David Bowie guest star on the show. David Bowie in Bon Temps? That would make for high ratings…maybe someone at HBO should take Joe’s advice.

Check out the video interview to get your True Blood fix as well as some juicy details about Season 4.

Source: www.popsugar.com — True Blood’s Joe Manganiello Talks Season Four, His David Bowie and Sookie Hopes

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Producer Judah Finds Inspiration in True Blood

September 17, 2010

Stephen Moyer, Anna Paquin, True Blood, Bill Compton, Sookie StackhouseTrue Blood is no longer simply a book series or television show, but rather a muse for many artists. Writers, painters, and musicians are all finding inspiration in the vampires of Bon Temps.

Recently, producer Judah has found a way to combine his love for True Blood and promotion for his new single Sundresses and Sandals.

By adding a True Blood inspired video treatment to the a promo clip for his song, Judah has been able to attract other fans of the show to his music.

A fan of the show himself, Judah bought his own camera, and hired a model to portray a Sookie Stackhouse role for the video. While the video was supposed to make its premiere in early September, Judah waited in order to showcase it alongside the Season 3 finale.

This is Judah’s second project under his own Simple Videos, a production company he and Bonita Star co-started. They were frustrated with video directors charging too much and not giving enough; through furstration cmae creation and the two have been creating videos with lots of heart and imagination.

The setting for Sundresses and Sandals was very important for Judah, who chose 14th Street and NW’s Donovan House because it was a dead ringer for the Dallas hotel featured in Season 2. In addition to enticing fans visually, Judah used quotes from the show to highlight his music. A line that is repeated throughout is whe Bill tells Sookie:

“I can smell the sunlight on your skin.”

When asked if his video idea stemmed from Snoop Dogg’s Oh Sookie, Judah explained that the video were very different as Snoop’s was focused on being funny, while his was trying to bring out the themes of the show as well as his own music.

It seems like True Blood has been sinking its teeth in more than just its Sunday night television spot!

Source: www.tbd.com — Producer Judah Combines Love Of Hip-Hop, True-blood And Summer Fashion

(Photo Credit: HBO, Inc.)

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Mystery Reporter: Acting Sheriff Bellefluer & Wannabe Officer Stackhouse Exclusive

August 29, 2010

The Tattler is proud to present this most exclusive interview with Bon Temps Finest Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefluer and his  protege Jason Stackhouse.   It’s a very rare opportunity to get such a candid, in depth interview.  Believe me readers, this is one of a kind.  Enjoy…

MR:   Today I’m sitting down with a couple of the fine officials who keep the peace in Northwestern Louisiana: Acting Sheriff Andy Bellefleur and his assistant, Jason Stackhouse. Gentlemen, welcome and thank you for taking the time to talk with us.

JASON: First off, I’m not Andy’s assistant. I’m a cop. Well, almost. But soon I’ll be legit, Ma’am.

ANDY: It’s my pleasure, Ma’am.  [glares at Jason] Now don’t go tellin this fine lady you’re a cop, Stackhouse. We don’t need any misprints or lawsuits now do we?

JASON: [shrugging] I’m already the best COP you’ve got, Andy. [to the reporter] Did he tell you how I made a drug bust on the biggest drug ring round ’bouts here.

MR: No, I didn’t hear about that Mr. Stackhouse.

JASON: You shoulda been there, ‘hon, I nailed about 5 or 6 of them with just these [flexes his arms for her]. Squeeze that! Bet the boys you work with don’t have guns like these, huh?
That’s GRADE A 100% Bon Temps muscle fiber.

MR: [flustered she drops her papers and scrambles to pick them up] Um yeah…Have you been on many drug busts Mr. Stackhouse?

JASON: I’ve only been on the one, Darlin’, but I plan on making these parts drug free as soon as I get my badge.

MR: Congratulations, Sheriff Bellefleur on your recent promotion.

ANDY: Why thank you, Ma’am. It was quite an unexpected promotion, but one I assure the folks of Bon Temps that I take very seriously

MR: The outgoing Sheriff Bud Dearborne held the position for many years. Do you believe that you are fully prepared to fill those big shoes?

ANDY: I do I believe I can fill any position the former Sheriff Bud Dearborn may have been in.  As for his shoes??   Cowboy boots just ain’t my style.

JASON: [Grinning and ducking his head in front of Andy] Even if he ain’t, Ma’am, I’ll be there to make sure that any shoes that need filling will be taken care of. [looking puzzled] Wait, does this mean I’m gonna have to shine shoes too?

ANDY: Let me put that on the list Stackhouse. You can shine our shoes right after you wash the patrol cars and sweep the cells.

MR: You’ve certainly had a turbulent few months leading to your promotion, Sheriff. You recently shot and killed a local young man who your report claimed was “brandishing a large knife” and communicating threats against your life. How does an officer of the law live with the weight of such a thing every day?

ANDY: [sighs and looks nervously at Jason] Well ma’am, it’s hard for me to talk about. The nightmares still haunt me. I keep dreaming my friends are being shot right before my eyes. Especially Stackhouse. That’s one that I can’t get out my head. [glares at Jason, nostrils flaring]

JASON: [looks down at his shoes, and up at the reporter, and back at his shoes, and anywhere but at Andy]

ANDY:  It just tears a man apart, the thought that I killed another man, all in the line of duty.

JASON: [snorting] I’m sure you know all ’bout that-

ANDY:  Stackhouse, enough…

MR: Has your new “local hero” status changed the way you work?

ANDY: Why yes, I think it has. I take things a lot more seriously around here now. This town needs protection and I aim to do just that. Even if it means I have to kill someone.

MR: Mr. Stackhouse, you’ve had a rather sordid history with the Renard Parish authorities. How did you come to be interested in a position with the Sheriff’s Department?

JASON: Well, you see, I…. Well, my past is the past. And my future is like….[scrunching up his face like it hurts] There’s a lot about that going on in my brain, right now.

ANDY: [nudges Stackhouse and knocks the paper airplane out of his hand] Stackhouse, speak when you are spoken to.

JASON: [sits quietly for a moment, tilting his head back and thinking about it] Okay, I got this, it was after that drug bust, I was tellin’ you ’bout earlier, I just felt so good ’bout doing something for the community. And my Gran would be so proud of me [leaning in, cupping his hand to his mouth] You’re probably not from around here, but I haven’t given my Gran much to be proud of as of late, God rest her soul.

ANDY: [said under his breath] that’s the most truth come outta his mouth all week

MR: Does the fact that Sheriff Bellefleur once arrested you on suspicion of murder ever cause a rub in your working relationship?

JASON: [looking at Andy] Nah. [tossing his arm over the sheriff] me and Andy is pals now, ain’t we? [pauses and looks back at the reporter]  Ma’am, is this gonna to be on TV? Where’s the camera? [looks around the room]

ANDY: [says under his breath] “Dumbass”)

MR: How does a man with a 1.6 high school GPA and no recorded law enforcement training end up behind the wheel of a patrol car stopping and reprimanding citizens?

JASON: There is a good reason for that, pretty lady.  I’ve got all the training I need from playing football, and a special leadership conference that I attended on my summer vacation.  And I can drive a patrol car, they’re just like regular cars. As for the citizens, that boy was gaining [whispers] Carmel knowledge [leans in closer] of that woman in a public area. [Sits up proud]  That’s from the Bible…It was a Honda Civic duty I was performing. [pauses, scratching his head] Wait, what’s a GPA? Is that like AIDS?

ANDY: [phone rings to the tune of Hawaii 5-0 and he raises his finger up covering the receiver] Official police business.  You’ll have to excuse me.

MR: [looks to Jason] And the reports that you may have been seen pulling vehicles over with attractive female drivers… without your shirt?

JASON: [grinning boyishly] Well, you see, I was undercover that day Ma’am…. as a car washer. It had to do with the drug problem case. And I can’t be held responsible for a woman being pretty, much like yourself.

MR: Why thank you, Mr. Stackhouse.  [blushes and looks at her paper, getting flustered]   Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge. Per capita, that makes your relatively small parish a national “V” hotspot. Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?
JASON: [looking confused] I didn’t learn the state capitals, well, least I can’t remember, but I don’t think we’re supposed to have more than one and you named like 3. [tries to ge the Sheriff’s attention] Andy?  Wanna help me out with this?

[Andy shoots him a cold hard stare and brushes him off]

JASON: You’ll have to excuse him Ma’am, he’s a busy man and he’s cranky because he can’t have his morning coffee any more. When he does he’s hold up in the bathroom for hours.  [wrinkles his nose] and trust me, it ain’t pretty.  That’s why the Police force needs my blood, [leaning in and winking] I can stay up all night. I’ve got stigmata.  So looks like Andy’s out. What’dya say you let me buff your bumper?

MR: Well, I did do a stint as an exotic dancer in college…

ANDY: Claps his phone shut and mutters, damn that Maxine Fortenberry and her MADV bullshit clogging up all the main arteries in my town with her protests, just like she clogged up that poor boy Hoyt’s with those potato chip sandwiches for years.  No wonder that boy was a fat kid [throws his hands in the air] What you looking at Stackhouse????

JASON: Dude!  I was just about to score

ANDY: You mean you think you were

JASON: It was in the bag ’til you jumped up screamin, “PIGGGGGGG”

MR: [Looks around nervously] Well, er, where were we? Ah, yes…

ANDY: I did not say Pig I said kid,  I ain’t seen no pigs since I stopped drinkin’  Shouldn’t you be shinin’ someone’s shoes or washin’ a carpet somewhere back at the station.

JASON: Shouldn’t you be eating a donut or somethin’?

ANDY: Just shut your pie hole Stackhouse and let me catch up.

MR: Sheriff, Jason…er… Mr. Stackhouse and I were discussing your area’s drug problem.

ANDY: Well that case out in Hot Shot is classified.

MR: No, not that Sheriff, we were talking about how Renard Parish is said to have the third largest reported number of “V” addiction cases in the state of Louisiana, only surpassed by New Orleans and Baton Rouge.  Why do you think that is and what is your department doing to combat the sell and purchase of “V”?

ANDY: Now those are too big of words for Stackhouse so here so let me answer it [cracks his knuckles forward and sits up proud then slumps, stumped for words] Shit, now I gotta answer it.

JASON: Isn’t as easy as it looks, huh. And, uh, Andy, that ain’t the way to talk in front of a pretty, young thing like her. [flashes a smile at the reporter]

ANDY: [leans into Jason with a whisper] This is not the time for “dick on”.

JASON: But Andy, you’ve known me all these years.  Has there ever been a time when it hasn’t been dick on?

MR: Can somebody please answer this question so we can move on?

ANDY: I’m sorry ma’am,  If you ask me, it’s gotta have something to do with that vampire boyfriend of Sookie’s. Ever since he came around, things just ain’t been the same around these parts.

JASON: Can’t we have one problem in town without blaming me or Sook?

ANDY: Well come to think of it….NO!

JASON: [crosses arms and stews]

ANDY: [looks to the Mystery Reporter] I want it on record that I was not referring to the Stackhouses as the trouble here but in fact was referring to one Vampire Bill Compton. Not my fault Stackhouse has a guilty conscience.

JASON: [mutters] Well, s’not like I got the hero bit to wash it away.

MR: Moving on, gentleman. Your area also has a fairly high crime rate for its size, reported dog fighting, a decapitated John Doe, and several missing persons cases. Is this related to the heavy drug traffic in Renard Parish?

JASON: We got dog fighting? They put on gloves and everything? I’d like to see that. [pauses] Wait a minute,  John Doe? Ain’t he that college kid we got, laying down concrete, by the courthouse? He got D-Kappa-phi’d? I didn’t know he was in a fraternity.  Weren’t you in that fraternity Andy?

ANDY:  No, the only fraternity I have ever been in is the fraternal order of police which you may never be a part of if you don’t stop being such a dumb ass!  It’s all in that manual I gave you Stackhouse.  I highly suggest you read it!

MR: Sheriff? Any thoughts on the situation?

ANDY: I’m thinking…

JASON: Don’t hurt yourself …

ANDY: About how I can get rid of Stackhouse so this town don’t get into worse shit then it has already

JASON: There you go, blaming me again! I am a COP. I uphold the law. Well, I will, soon.

ANDY: All you seem to wanna uphold is what’s in your pants Stackhouse and that aint what makes a good Cop!  It takes a lot more than just learning how to use your night stick!

JASON: Well, it makes a good tent.

ANDY: [Pinches the bridge of his nose like he’s beginning to get a head ache and shakes his head back and forth]

MR: Okay….Among the missing citizens of your area, a known vampire named Bill Compton was reported weeks ago. Some have said that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department isn’t doing all that it can to locate the man who, under federal law, is entitled to all the same rights as your human residents. What do you say to critics who claim that your department is operating under a prejudicial policy?

ANDY: Vampire Bill is technically dead so he can’t be officially missing, but for the record, he has been found.

JASON: I don’t really know what you’re talking about darlin’  [crosses his legs and rubs his chin thoughtfully] But can you put that I’m thinking intensely about this in the article and make me look good? [flashes a cheesy grin]

MR: We’ll see [winks]

ANDY: What I meant to say was we are doing our best to locate Mr. Compton. Had he still been missing, this would have been  Jason’s first case.

MR:  But Mr. Stackhouse isn’t a deputy.

ANDY: Well Bill Compton isn’t technically alive so it works.

MR: Sheriff, are you suggesting that an untrained, unofficial deputy would have been assigned with the Compton case because the victim is a vampire?

JASON: That just ain’t right, um Ma’am. I single handedly took out a whole hillbilly drug cartel all by myself. Ain’t no better training than hands on.
MR: So you would trust this summer camp graduate in an important case such as this?

JASON: [snickering] It was a little like summer camp. But with more violence and less cumbaya.

ANDY: That is not what I said. You’re twisting my words. I never said he would be doing this on his own.  He would of course have some very qualified assistance.  As for the rest of what you’re fishin’ for, no comment. [sneers]

JASON: [whispering to Andy] We can do that? We can say no comment, like in the movies?

ANDY: Of course we can, Stackhouse.  You didn’t get to that part in the manual because you didn’t read it yet!

JASON: Well, I used it to keep the desk from tipping every time I tried to play table football.

ANDY: Yes I know…I saw it on the video tape.

JASON: Then why’d you ask?

ANDY: I didn’t ask you Stackhouse. I was stating a fact!

MR: [clears throat] And finally, gentlemen, we understand that the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Department’s annual booster calendar will be available for purchase in the fall. Is it true that Mr. Stackhouse will be featured in nine of the twelve months?

JASON: There’s only me, Andy, Kevin, and Kenya. [leans in to the reporter] And between you and me, they ain’t exactly pin up material.

ANDY: I have not been informed of any calendar. This has Stackhouse written all over it [folds his arms and gives Jason a cold hard stare]

JASON:  I figured we’d leave the other three months out since I ran out of film.

ANDY: Maybe we could fit your sister Sookie in there Jason, being she’s always at the station for some goddamn reason or another.

JASON: [thinking about it] Nah, Sook won’t do that, she’s too shy. I could probably get Lafayette.

MR: [Gives a bashful blush] Well, could we get a preview? You know, for the paper?

ANDY: Oh God [rolls eyes].  I assure you Stackhouse and I will be discussing this matter at a later date after he’s done with his “chores”

JASON: You don’t have to ask me twice, sugar. [unbuttoning his pants, and stopping short] Andy, you may want to step out for a minute, or an hour.

ANDY: He’s lying missy…he don’t take no hour. You’re lucky if it lasts five minutes

JASON: Would you git? I’m trying to do some pubic relations here.

MR: Oh! Um, I meant… I was asking about the calendar! But, maybe Mr. Stackhouse could sign my… our copy?

ANDY:  It’s Public Relations Stackhouse, get it right!

JASON: [stopping and buckling back up] Oh, yeah, I can do that too. Whoops.

MR: Gentlemen, thank you again for having me. I appreciate you candidness.

ANDY: Anything for the press, ma’am

JASON: See, right there is where you get confusing. I ain’t had you yet.

MR: Well we can remedy that and you can come home with me and give me a private show.

JASON: I guess that’s my cue to leave.

ANDY: [grabs Jason by the back of the collar] Oh you’re leaving with me Stackhouse. I think it’s time we get you fitted for a proper uniform and I assure you that it will not have Velcro seams.

JASON: Damnit Andy!  You sure know how to piss on someone’s campfire!

MR: Well, this appears to be a record.  I have managed to live through this interview unlike my predecessors.  [checks out Jason’s ass as he walks out of the door]  Oh to be a notch in his belt, but then again, considering his track record with women…I’m probably better off.

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Mystery Reporter written by Yarrow Carmichael/Rice

Andy Bellefluer written by Cyrenna Dewhurst

Jason Stackhouse written by Michele L. Medina

Comedy Relief  supplied by B.Kent

Header credit: K. S. Rose

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There’s a new Sheriff in town! Sheriff Andy Bellefleur’s Police Blotter

July 24, 2010

Bon Temps Police Blotter #142I

6:00AM

Great. I can’t even get my foot in the door these days without shit happening. Since Bud Dearborn left, this town’s turned into Bon Temps gone wild, especially since I have my new Deputy wannabe Jason  Stackhouse taggin’ along everywhere I go. By the looks of the complaints filling my inbox, that boy’s really gotta get a grip. “Note to self:  Speak with Stackhouse about wearing a proper uniform, starting with a shirt.”

7:00AM

Altercation at the local Grab-It-Quik. (I told ya’ll it was starting early these  days) Some stinking drunk in his filthy tighty whities claiming to be Sam Merlotte’s dad ran out with a 12 pack of malt liquor and a bag of kibble. I don’t care who’s daddy he might claim to be, you can’t be DIP in my town, especially at the God Damn crack of dawn. That’s Drunk In Public for those that don’t know. It’s an official police  term. Had to take him to the station to let him sleep it off. Far as I know, he’s still waiting for Sam to come and pick his ass up. I’m still wondering what he was doing with that kibble though….man don’t  even own a dog.

8:00AM

Sookie Stackhouse called again. Seems that vampire boyfriend of her’s is still missing. Just because she can’t keep a man doesn’t mean I have to use my good deputies to hunt him down. Man probably doesn’t wanna be found. If you ask me, Sookie ain’t wrapped to tight. This ones gonna have to wait. I have more important things to do. Like getting some jelly doughnuts and a cup of coffee. Maybe I should give this one to Jason Stackhouse and get them both out of my hair.

9:00AM

Sookie called….again. Seems she found Bill’s car on the road out of town. Guess this time I need to go investigate so I can shut her the hell up. Called Jason Stackhouse to meet me. May as well have him tag along so he can see just how hard this job really is. Seems my plan is working. He can deal with this while I deal with more important things like why Arlene is at the local library and called and asked Kenya if being a serial killer runs in the family.

10:00AM

Arrived at the scene and Stackhouse was already there and Sookie was gone. Thank God for small favors.  At least I didn’t have to sit here and listen while she ran her mouth about how we needed to drop everything and find her dead boyfriend. Bills car was tipped over and totaled. He sure did go through some extreme to get away from her…wonder what she did this time. Stackhouse was picking up what looked to be the remains of some kind of animal and tainting the evidence. What a dumb ass. I was already feeling it wasn’t the brightest move bringin’ that boy along. Time to send him back to the station to do more paperwork.

11:00AM
Got an anonymous tip that a local dog fighting ring is going on right here in Bon Temps. That just ain’t right. This one I’m going to investigate on my own. There is one thing I will not stand for in my town and that’s cruelty to animals.

12:30PM

Got a call from Kenya. Maxine Forteberry called with one of her vampire complaints again. A local teen stole 100 plastic fangs from the local five and dime parking lot and of course Maxine thinks there was some kind of vampire involvement. She is accusing Jessica Hamby of influencing the local youth into some kind of crime wave conspiracy for her own, and I quote, “sick pleasures”. Why me? Just the paperwork alone on this is going to be hell. What makes that woman think I have the time to sit down and itemize 100 plastic Fangs? I’ve got much more important things to do. Sounds like a job for Jason Stackhouse. Now that I think of it I need to look into the protocol for registering new vampires as citizens of this town.

1:00PM

Lunch. Time to grab a burger and fries at Merlotte’s and question Sam Merlotte about this daddy of his. Seems he may have something to do with these dogfights. Sam wasn’t too forth coming as usual. But what do I expect from a guy that runs butt naked through the woods. Hmmmm…Didn’t he say his parents were nudists??  “Note to self:  Have Stackhouse question Sam’s Daddy about this at a later date. We just may have to take some preventive measures to avoid any more “NIP’s” which is police talk for “Naked in Public”

1:30PM

Had the last bite of my burger when all hell broke loose. Can’t a man eat around here without something always happening???? Seems Stackhouse has been pulling over the local women and trying to get their phone numbers. How many times do I have to tell that boy only ask for the license, registration and insurance card??? Not their dang phone numbers! I swear, that boy’s gonna be the death of me!

2:00PM

Just as I thought the coast was clear and headed out of the driveway of Merlotte’s , I got stopped by Maxine Fortenberry….again. Another complaint against the vampires. Can’t this woman give it a rest? Ever since she started that MADV campaign I got more crimes against humanity than I can shake a stick at. Seems some local fangs were bangin’ some bangers at the local truck stop “in broad moonlight” right outside of town last night. How on earth Maxine got a youtube of this is beyond me, but she did.  Gonna have to keep this one away from Stackhouse. He’ll never get any work done if he starts investigating this. All these new crimes, I’m gonna have to make up some new police jargon. Guess I’ll be calling this one in particular FBIP for Fang Banging In Public. Sounds good to me.

2:30PM

Got a call from Jason Stackhouse. Seems I need to talk to Sam again about the serving of minors and the impact it has on his liquor license. According to Stackhouse, Arlene was serving the local football team while we were occupied at Bud’s retirement party. Stackhouse claimed he confiscated the evidence but in turn drank it. I must speak to him about the proper filing procedures of evidence at a later date.

3:00PM

Still investigating the unidentified body that was found in the ditch. Due to his lack of head and hands which are, uhhhhh, critical body parts to identify an individual, we have yet to put a name with the body. We have yet to receive any missing persons reports with the exception of Vampire Bill and it is our understanding that the vampires disintegrate upon death.

3:30PM

Got a call from Lettie Mae Thornton. Seems Tara’s gone missin’ again and her last phone call was to  Sookie. Here comes that name again.  Sooookie….That’s it, I’m calling  it a day. Deputy Kenya Jones can take can take it from here. Things are getting crazy, considering what’s happened in the last two weeks even for this town…But at least we know one thing, the body in the ditch, is not Tara Thornton.

Header Design: Kasandra Rose

This po-lice blotter is presented as parody of Alan Ball’s HBO original series True Blood and there is no connection to any bat shit crazy thing anyone has done, real or imagined, living or dead. If you want to report some dumb ass thing you saw in town that I gotta go look into just leave a comment below. If you wanna confess you can leave a comment too. If you wanna complain, don’t bother puttin in your 2 cents you’re probably guilty as sin. And if you wanna leave me a coupon for your eatery or the car wash just put the details in the comments section too. Yeah, it’s not anonymous, just suck it up!

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Reality Bites” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’s Sookie Stackhouse novels.

(Header credit: Kasandra Rose)

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Rutina Wesley Reveals Season 3 Secrets

July 6, 2010

Though fans of True Blood enjoy Tara Thornton’s in your face attitude, they are quite relieved to find how sweet and endearing Rutina Wesley truly is.

During a phone interview with the Boston Herald, Rutina was quick to note that, unlike Tara, she’s a nice person and a good girl. However, as a good Julliard trained actress, Rutina is able to leave that all behind and become Tara, a very complicated and distressed character whose life has always been tough, but now seems to be getting tougher.

After finding love in Season 2, in Season 3 Tara is grieving for the loss of Eggs, who died from a bullet wound after a very complicated situation involving Andy Bellefleur and Jason Stackhouse. With all of these emotionally disturbing events happening in Tara’s life, Rutina notes,

“I’d say she’s definitely unstable…I think we find her at her most vulnerable point now. She’s just had the rug pulled out from underneath her. That’s all she knew for a while. Her mother is messed up, her lover is gone, her face is bashed in – it’s the worst of the worst. That’s why she’s so susceptible to the vampire that comes in. It’s going to be an interesting dynamic between the two.”

While Season 3 focuses on the identity struggles keeping Bill Compton and Sookie Stackhouse apart, it is Tara’s struggle to find out who she is that have been capturing fans since Season 1. Tara’s character has been moving through Bon Temps looking for acceptance and a family; this season, it seems like she may get into more trouble before she can finally find any peace of mind. This season will find Tara in a very interesting and wild relationship with vampire Franklin Mott, played by James Frain.

With more of Tara’s life falling to pieces, Rutina has a bigger role on the show, however, Rutina quickly remarks,

“I know my role is bigger, but I consider the show to be more of an ensemble…I love that it’s not so one-sided. There is a main character – Sookie – but it’s like one big family. I enjoy going to work every day and working with everyone. It’s a dream job.”

True Blood has been enjoying its success because it is so sexy, bloody, and has a decidedly Southern gothic beat. However, Tara does suggest there will be some changes to the show; given that the True Blood has been picked up for a fourth season, which is due to air next summer, the writers are now thinking about long term stories for the characters. Rutina remarks,

“There’s a lot of things that are going to come up and shock fans…It’s bloody, there’s a lot of action this season and it’s very action-packed. And I think that’s kind of awesome.”

More blood, action, and overall awesome aren’t the only things that make True Blood so shocking and exciting. It’s characters like Tara, who reminds us about the humanity that exists in the midst of so many bloody fangs.

Credit: BostonHerald.com

(Photo Credit: HBO, Inc)

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True Blood’s Good Times

July 4, 2010

Hungry for a little Bon Temps?
Ravenous I should think, after such a long wait. I know I am. That is why I gorged myself before stopping by. When I’m hungry I eat. I dislike being told when to stop. I thought I’d have a nice little chat while I settle into my blood coma.

Ah, good times. We all seek them regardless of mode of dress, lifestyle or quantity of eyeliner. The definition may change but the quest is much the same whether in a darkened club, private velvet walled room or in front of a screen on a Sunday.

At the start of the season I’d say Eric and Yvetta were having the best bon temps until being sharply interrupted. That Pam. Have to love her irreverence (surely her version of bon temps). I am not likely to share my bon temps with just anyone but I have to admire the boldness.

And Sookie, Tara, Jessica and Sam – seemingly always thwarted from having a good time. I know one of the many reasons I keep watching is because I keep rooting for them to have one that lasts. Then again disappearing boyfriends, dead first loves and Jerry Springer-style relatives are enough to ruin anyone’s bon temps.

Corruption – that nasty human disease – seems to have translated to the undead.  This is so bluntly evident in the dealings of Sophie Anne Leclerq, the Queen of Louisiana and Russell Edgington, the King of Mississippi giving and taking good times at will (or at least at a price). I wonder if the vampire royalty need give speeches on holidays.

William, William, William Compton. *sigh* This last ‘act’ was indeed one of pure hatred. Though as one friend so eloquently put it – it was an act that leaves Sookie to enjoy Eric guilt-free.

And there really is nothing like a sizable, ripped viking enjoyed sans guilt.

So. How do you get your bon temps?

Photo credit: HBO

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