Ask Dr. L — Healthy Addiction?

February 22, 2011

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

February 22, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
With the flu season hitting the humans hard, most of the humans I have been dining with have had the flu vaccine in them. This has given their blood and very unique and wonderful flavor. I fear I may be getting addicted to the new flavor and have very little hope of going back to the regular flavor. I was wondering if you might know where I can get some flu vaccine to use or how I might wean myself off this new flavor?


In Perfect Health

Dear Healthy Friend,
You know, of course, that I wouldn’t care if the whole lot of you took a sunbathing vacation and obliterated yourselves, except that I need your blood for it’s healing properties. Otherwise, I would try to add some garlic juice to some flu vac and give it to you. Drat! What’s a doctor to do?
So, call me and set up an appointment. We’ll trade- your blood for a supply of flu vaccine, sans garlic. It won’t be an even trade, mind you- I have staff to pay and all. But it will be as fair as I can be with low lifeless scum.

Hi Dr. L,
Just got a quick question for ya.
Will a vampire’s fangs grow back if they are pulled out?

A Little Curious

Dear LC,
Just a quick question for you- do you actually HAVE a life? And if so, how on earth do you find the time to come up with such ridiculous questions? Jeeze Louise, give me a break!
But tell you what, you get close enough to a vamp to pull out the fangs, and then let me know. I’ll be sure to monitor the situation and get back to you.

Dear Dr. L,
My no good, lying, cheating ex-husband left me. Now, ordinarily I’d be happy. But he also left me with his seven year old son from his first marriage and who I believe might be a shape shifter. He growls in his sleep and sometimes I catch him sleepwalking and “marking his territory” inside and outside of the house in the middle of the night. What can I do for the little fellow besides putting him to bed in a big kennel every night?


The Step Mom

Dear Step,
Bravo for you getting rid of your ex. I’ve been with my share of those kinds myself, and a few of them actually survived. But I digress…
Your little gift he left behind does sound like a bit of a problem. All of the behaviors you mention are earmarks of shifters. Personally, I think the crate idea is a good one, but I am not sure the powers that be would go along with that.
Why not set up an appointment with my office and bring the little tiger in? I take cash, check and most major credit cards, and I will do the best I can to house train him for you. Oh, and would you like him to learn any cute little tricks while we are at it?

Hey Dr. L,
Something happened to my cows. I was out in the field the other day and noticed four large marks in the field, bigger than my tractor, it looked like the earth was scorched. Two days later, I discovered nearly all my cows were pregnant. Dr. L, since we inseminate our cows, there’s just no way that they could all be pregnant. Do I take a chance that the cows are carrying some sort of mutant calfs or just ship the lot of them off to the meat packing plant?

Thanks Cher,

LaRoy Thibodeaux

Dear LaRoy,
Oh come on, whre’s your sense of adventure, of joi de vivre? (that’s real French, you know). What an opportunity for scientific advancement! I personally would love to see what your cows produce, and I know many others in the medical and scientific comunity would, as well.
So please, keep me posted. And then, if they start dropping two headed creatures with big, buggy eyes, I say EVERYONE OFF TO THE MEAT PACKING PLANT. PRONTO!

Dr. L,
I just turned 13 and had the best birthday party ever. The problem was right after I blew out my birthday candles I started seeing things. At first, I thought someone spiked the punch, but nobody else seemed bothered by it. I want to tell my parents but I’m afraid they’ll send me away like they did my Granny when she said she could see other people between the lines. I didn’t know what she meant, but that’s just exactly like what I see. People between the lines, in between the colors. Does this make sense? Should I tell my parents that I see them or is there a way I can make them disappear?

Hope you can help,

Britney (that’s not my real name though okay)

Dear Britney (or not Britney- that is the question…oh, I LOVE Shakespeare!),
First of all, congratulations for living long enough to reach the age of impossibility, of angst, of self hatred and hatred of others. It’s a real milestone.
Now, as for your problem, it is not really a problem at all. I have known people like your granny (in fact, I think I knew your granny…). Maybe in less enlightened times, the rank and file felt these people were crazy. But now, everything goes. You ever watch TV and see these folks talking to dead people? They make a bundle, and have a long waiting list of people wanting to pay to see them. So I say use it, make people pay you to tell them what you are seeing. Then, when you make enough money, you can make an appointment with me, andI have an elixir to cure what ails you.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.


Ask Dr. L — New Year New You

January 7, 2011

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

January 7, 2011

Dear Dr. L,
Please HELP! My parents are way strict. I’m home schooled and the only time I can get away from them is when they let me go on church youth group outings to witness to non-believers in other towns.
Well, two weeks ago I knocked on this one lady’s door and she invited me in and I thought she was really nice. She listened to everything I had to say. Heck, she listened so long that I parched myself out! I know it’s wrong, but I couldn’t help it and when she offered me a glass of sweet tea, I accepted. Even though we’re told not to accept anything from the unclean, the tea tasted wonderful.
Now though, I think maybe I was poisoned or something. Ever since that day, I been feeling real happy, I mean even when mama asks me to rub her feet, I’m happy. It doesn’t bother me at all like it used to. That’s not the bad part though, the worst part is I keep having to hide my sheets!!
Every night I dream I am shooting fire from my fingertips and the fire just zaps anyone who told me I couldn’t do something that day, into a pile of ash while I laugh. I’m always happy when I wake up, till I look down and see scorch marks where my fingers are lying on the sheets.
Dr. L, please, please tell me I’m not a witch or something. I just know my family would burn me at the stake or drown me if I am.
How can I stop burning my sheets without being going back to being miserable again?

Sad I’m So Happy

Dear Sad..or is it Happy?
Seems you’re from a really religious family. My ideas about organized religions of any type likely do not mesh with yours. But that being said, I will do my best to answer your questions. Short answer: Yes, you got zapped by the tea. Those pesky witches really like to play with religious folks. Maybe it’s some form of payback for the burning at the stake and drowning thing, you think? And it really doesn’t make a whole lot of sense, as I think you all are a bunch of overzealous fanatics.
To tell you the truth, I was a bit concerned over your statement about the need to change your sheets every day. Though you did not indicate this, I sense you are a young male person. And of course, being strictly religious, you are not allowed the pleasures of the flesh with someone else. So the sheet thing kind of grossed me out, till you talked about the fiery fingers. OK- I’m better now. I do have a cure for that, and you can make an appointment to come in. (I take cash, check and most major credit cards). But, as a caveat, I have to warn you, the happy goes away with the fire. Your choice.

Dr. L,
Is there such a thing as a “truth serum” for vampires? My boyfriend says he loves me, and says he doesn’t want to drink my blood but it’s irresistible to him. He tells me that it’s torture to be so close to me and not touch me, but that if I give him time he’ll prove that I can trust him not to drain me.
I told him there’s no way I can go any further unless I know he’s in this relationship for the long haul. Even though he cries bloody tears, my friends assure me that they are crocodile-vampire tears and that if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.
Dr. L, how can I be sure the vampire that I want to trust is telling the truth?

Skeptical Shelly

Dear SS,
Good girl for being skeptical. And I LIKE your friends- but they stole my favorite line, “if a vamp’s mouth is moving, he’s lying.” So, rather than lead you down a very unlikely and undoubtedly expensive garden path of coming to see me for a truth serum for these vile, lying creatures, who wouldn’t know Truth if it bit them in their respective asses, I will just suggest you find another boyfriend of the breathing variety. Good luck!

Hey, Doc!
I hope you can settle a bet I got with my girlfriend. We was makin out at the bog last weekend. It was a night of pure magic, ya know, Lynyrd Skynyrd on the boom box and a case of Lone Star beer that was actually cold, thanks to the cold snap the night before. Anyway, things was going great, Mandy was dancin’ in the headlights when I noticed a movement across the water. I swear, I saw a little red haired man digging a hole or somethin. I told Mandy to look and she did, but she’s so dumb, she said she thought it was a goat. So I asked her what kinda’ goat only has two legs, and she says her uncle Billie’s goat can walk on two legs. He was even at the state fair last year. So we made a bet, is there such a thing as Leprechauns?
Please say, yes, Dr. L. Otherwise, I gotta’ wash her “unmentionables,” and trust me, after seeing her drawers, I’m ascared to find out what her “unmentionables” are. But if I win, Mandy’s gotta’ wash the four wheeler down, every time I come back from mud buggin’ for the rest of the year!

Mr. Clean

Dear Baldy (it’s a joke, in reference to Mr Clean…OK, forget it),
Is this some kind of joke? I mean, I live in an area crawling with otherworldly creatures of every ilk (that means “kind” or “sort”, by the way). And being OS less than tall stature myself, you choose to ask me about a wee type. I swear, if I find out you’re making fun of me, I will find you and slap you silly. Oh wait, you already are…again, forget it.
Clean one, there is nothing you can think of or imagine that doesn’t exist, either in this dimension or in others that they can pop in and out of to come here. So tell that gal of yours to wash her undies in the warm, soapy water she’s going to have to use to clean your 4 wheeler.
And I daresay, you say one of my kin folk- cousin Paddy. Tell him hi from Cousin Doc next time.

Dr. L,
I’m a member of the Fellowship of the Sun. My parents and my cousins and my brothers and sisters are all believers. However, last month I met a boy while I was working at Sonic. At first, I thought he was just a really good skater, like good enough to be in the Olympics or something, but then I found out he was really a Vampire! He’s really nice to me though, and when I fall behind, he always makes up my rounds and he even gives me the tips.
He asked me if I wanted to go to the midnight showing of Rocky Horror Picture Show next weekend. The problem is, the next morning I’m supposed to be up at four in the morning so we can go picket the Vampire Casket Company outside of Beaumont. Dr. L, will I burn in hell if I lie to my parents and tell them my sorority sisters are having another “Hello Halo” sleepover that night?


Dear Virginia,
Dear Goddess, what is going on with the religious fanatics going to the dark side this week? Not that I have any more love or respect for the Fellowship Fanatics than I do the slimy vampires, but there must be something in the water- or the tea (please read the first query).
Let me make myself clear- I hate vampires. I only tolerate them for their blood, as it has phenomenal healing qualities. I don’t trust one any further than I can throw one. But, your question as to whether or not lying to your parents, who are obviously buying lies on a daily basis if they are part of the Fellowship of the Sun, would cause you to burn in hell- no, it won’t. But spending a lot of time with a vampire might make you wish you were in hell.
Just saying.

Dear Dr. L!
OMG! OMG!! Totally Freaking Out! Been dating this one guy for three months now. Always seemed to work out on a full moon that he had to pull a double shift. Since I’m a werewolf myself, it was a relief that I never had to break a date or change plans. However, he’s just confessed that he’s a were also! I was sooo happy, until he told me he’s a were sheep! OMG, Dr. L! I’m a werewolf! Who knows? I mean, I may have eaten his mother or sister or something!! Sheep are so delectable! No wonder I’ve wanted him like no other. What am I supposed to do?! Of course, I should leave him, but I’m afraid I love him too much to let him go! But what will happen when we are both in our animal form?!

Shy but Deadly.

Dear Deadly,
A little known fact is that in addition to being a universally renowned and respected doctor to humans and supernaturals alike, I also happen to be an amazing gourmet chef. I have a superb recipe for rack of lamb with mint sauce. I’ll send it to you.
Bon Appetite!

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine Harris’ Sookie Stackhouse novels.


The Franklin Files — Happy New Year

January 7, 2011

The Franklin Files” – Happy New Year

“Here drink this.” Jesus handed Lafayette a Bloody Mary. “Trust me, you two will feel a whole lot better and I’m a nurse. And I added a little secret magic to it, too.” He handed one to Tara who was laying head to toe with Lafayette on the couch and looked like she could be a vampire. She was the absolute color of death.

“Please tell me I’m not going to see no visions. I swear if I see visions as soon as I can lift myself off this couch I’ll kick your sorry ass from here to Tijuana.”

“No worries, sweetheart, it’s all spices from your local grocery store. My, my, you two are wee bit touchy this morning.”

“Sorry, babe, as much as I love them, I don’t do Champagne and Courvoisier together real well. But I sure seemed to like it last night – a lot.” Lafayette lifted the damp cloth from his face and attempted to smile.

“You sure did. You liked a lot of other things, too…”

“Oh, really…honestly, I don’t remember a whole lot of what happened after I stopped cooking the last couple of specials Sam had going last night. I can’t believe people really ponied up $13.95 for some cocktail shrimp and 6 oz sizzler. Hard to believe that’s the fanciest “Turf and Surf” they’ve ever seen in Merlotte’s, let alone Bon Temps. But I guess with a complimentary glass of champagne, noise maker and a party hat, it was a pretty nice event at the bar.”

“Well, I can tell you, everyone had a really nice time, especially you,” Jesus started to laugh, looking at Tara, “and Sookie. When you two started doing the can-can on top of the bar, I gained a whole new respect for you. Doing ‘The Bump?’ I didn’t know anyone still knew that old dance existed anymore. And when you closed it all out with ‘The Macarena’! It was absolutely classic!”

Tara groaned, and somehow managed to hit him dead on in the face with pillow, “You can shut the hell up any old time now.”

“My, my, my, okay, I can see my attempts at a lighthearted banter is getting me nowhere with the two of you.  How about I read you a little story. Have you checked in with Franklin lately? Do you know how his New Year’s began? Lafayette told me that his mother is missing and you think she’s been turned to the ‘dark side’ but have you read anymore?”

Tara answered, rather peevishly, “I really was starting to feel sort of sorry for Franklin which really pissed me off so I didn’t want to read anymore but what the hell I already feel like crap. Let’s go ahead and see what’s happened to his mommy dearest. The book is in the back closet under some blankets.” She threw her elbow over her forehead as if she were a movie star having a fainting spell on a chaise lounge in some long ago Bette Davis black and white movie.

Soon, Jesus returned the old battered journal. “I swear I don’t know how this thing holds together. And how many more are there?”

“Enough to keep us reading for a very long time. So start reading already.”

“Obviously, you need to drink more of my special Bloody Mary, Tara.” She gave Jesus the evil eye. “Whoa, girl, I know you don’t want to go toe-to-toe, evil eye-to-evil eye with me, girl. You have no idea who I am. But for the sake of your cousin, I’ll shut up and start reading.”

“Pleeeeease. Y’all need to stop. I’m in pain, and I love you both, but if you don’t start reading in ten, you will find both your butts on the porch.” Lafayette was coming to life, but quickly laid his head back down with a hand to the forehead and an, “Ouch.”

“Alright, ‘ladies,’ settle down, I’m reading.”

Tuesday, January 1, 1856

I am defeated – and not just a little bit drunk. If I could I would drink every alcoholic spirit available in England and under the authority of the English Crown and on the Continent – and it would still not be enough to erase the terrors. Last night was the most glorious night of my life and this morning the most terrifying and terrible.

Gwendolyn’s family invited me to their home to celebrate the welcoming of the New Year. It was a beautiful dinner with many friends and family and altogether helped to take my mind off the tragedy of these last few days. Lost in the presence of Gwen’s beauty and grace, I have to admit that there were a few moments when I even forgot that mother was missing at all. Gwendolyn’s parents were most solicitous and her sweet mother took me aside in the salon and most kindly offered that even though she knew she were a poor substitute, when Gwendolyn and I were married she would do her best to be a mother to me if my own were not to be found. She begged my pardon if it were too soon to say such a thing, and I assured her that, indeed, it was not. I really do love her, she is kind and warmhearted and, is in so many ways, the sort of mother I’ve always dreamed that I might possess.

After some dessert, drinks, singing, and parlor games, Gwendolyn’s parents allowed that since the night was not so chilly, I might wrap Gwendolyn up and we might walk along the terrace for a moment of privacy. I was astounded! But we are engaged to be married and had over the evening discussed a wedding date in mid-June, after the Sunday of the Trinity, it seemed a walk alone was not inappropriate. My heart was soaring! I thought it the most glorious evening of my life. And then Gwendolyn made it even better. She grew quite affectionate with me, more than she ever had, reaching inside my heavy coat, daring to touch me in places I didn’t even know she knew existed. Her touch was tentative at first, but she grew ever more daring and I was shocked at her courage.

“Gwendolyn, I think you must stop. While I am delight to find you so enthusiastic, I am afraid I am overcome with passion for you right now and in my emotional state right now, I don’t know that I can stop myself if I should return your affection.”

“My sweet, sweet, dark haired boy. I don’t want you to stop. I’ve been talking to Mrs. General and I am sure you believe her a just an old prude, but you’d be surprised to find her otherwise. We’ve talked about the torture you must be under, and how I might alleviate your suffering, not to mention my own grief at feeling so helpless to see your deepening sadness. I want to help you, to comfort you, and we’ve agreed this is the best possible thing I could do for you right now.”

I opened my mouth to protest but she put her gloved hand to my mouth to silence me. “Meet Mrs. General in three-quarters of an hour at the kitchen entrance. She is going to bring you to me. And before you say that you won’t come, if you don’t then I am prepared to run away to the vicarage and say that you kidnapped me.”

“Well, what choice do I have then? I think this idea unwise, but I will come, if only to prevent you running away in the middle of the night. We will talk some more and then I will leave. But I promise you, I will do nothing to besmirch your honor, Gwendolyn. I would rather die first.”

“Franklin, I am to be your wife in just a few months. Just come to me.” And then she took me back inside and she bid goodnight to the group. I, too, said my farewells and went outside to ride my horse a ways off and then came round to the back of their stables where I tied him in the back of the stable yard. I made my way to the kitchen while guests were saying their goodbyes at the front door and the main lights of the kitchen had gone out. Mrs. General took me up a back stairway and I quickly found myself alone with the most ravishing creature I had ever seen in my life.

Gwendolyn was dressed in the most beautiful white linen nightgown and her golden hair was down. I could hardly speak or move for fear that I might break the  vision that stood before me. But I didn’t have to move for she came to me. And with a boldness that I hardly knew she had, she began to undress me. I would have spoken up to resist – if I could have remembered how to speak at all. She kissed my throat, my chest, and ran her hands along my spine, and when she started to reach for my trousers, I finally got a hold of myself.

“Gwendolyn, no! This is not needed. You must not. You cannot. Your honor is too important to me, my lady. I will not spoil you in this way, my dear, sweet, love of my life.”

“Franklin, darling, you know that I love you?”

“Yes, my love.”

“And we will spend eternity together as man and wife?”

“Yes, my love.”

“Then, my love, Mrs. General says this is all perfectly all right, and so I am going to help you forget your misery and you will put me out of mine.” And then she took me by the hand and led me to her bed. I dare say that Mrs. General did more than just convince her that this was a good idea, for she seemed quite knowledgeable about what to do. But how can I even think about that now? My God, what sort of monster am I?

After the sweetest few hours of my life, making love to her by the light of the sliver of the quarter moon, and taking sweet slumber in each other’s arms off and on I could see that the future could indeed be bright. Mother or not, I would be happy in my marriage to the wondrous, marvelous creature. I stole myself away while it was still dark, not wanting to risk being caught by anyone stirring in the house. As I was riding away I couldn’t resist going back to take one last look at that beloved window wherein my lay my beloved. When I drew close to the house I saw two dark figures climbing out that very same window. I let out a shout and I swear they took to the air!

I drove the horse to the house and mounted the back stairs to her bedroom to find Gwendolyn her beautiful night gown shredded to pieces and she was covered in blood with not only the deep fang marks of before but actual gashes as if she, herself, had been torn apart. I took her in my arms and tried to rouse her, but there was no life in her. I let out a yell that brought the whole house to her room. I told them that I could not sleep and so I went out for a ride and saw the two figures coming out of her window. I left out the part about them flying for fear they’d think I’d gone absolutely mad, but I know that is the truth of it and I will not rest until I discover who they are.

As the chaos ensued and we waited for the doctor’s arrival, I went to the window to see if I could learn anything about these horrible murderers. As I looked down at the exterior window casing, I saw something caught there between it and the roof. It was a gold bracelet with small rubies that belongs to Mother. I grabbed the bracelet and put it in my pocket. I’m not telling the constable, at least not yet.

Because I am the source of all this death and suffering. Obviously, the same people who did this to Gwendolyn are the same people that have taken Mother, and the only conclusion I can make is that it is someone out to hurt me. The only connection between the two of them is that I love them with my whole heart, so that must be why Gwendolyn was killed tonight. It is my fault.  I feel such terrible guilt that I’d gladly give my own life for hers. I’d gladly take my own life except for one thing – I will have my vengeance upon the killers…I have one clue to follow, there was the note upon my pillow when I returned home, “Never forget, I am always and forever watching you.” It must be linked to the killers.

“Well, I think we are beginning to know when psycho Franklin began to appear,” Lafayette took a long drink from his Bloody Mary. The room was silent for a while.

“How are you two feeling now? Any better? Can I get you a refill?” Jesus closed the book and got up to take their glasses. “By the way, I love these old Flintstone glasses, very classy.”

“You better step off my Betty and Wilma’s. I’ll have you know it took a lot flea market shopping to put that collection together.” Lafayette feigned being indignant.

“Well, yabba-dabba-doo. Hand me your glass so I can fill up good old Betty for you and Tara, let me catch your little old Pebbles.” Jesus reached for her class.

“After, that journal entry, you better make me a Pebbles and Bam-Bam.”

Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers who contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Graphics By: Sarahfina


A Bon Temps Cold Front

January 3, 2011

What up tricks? Ya boy, Lafayette, just had to tell ya about something real crazy Jason done now. I was closing up Merlotte’s last night, right? I’m in the freezer putting up some meat I had just got through marinating when all of a sudden, he come running up in dere talkin’ bout how fine dis chic outside is. You probably thinking what’s unusual with dat – we all know Jason girl crazy.

But what came next was nothing but crazy – crazier than Andy when he gets in da sauce. I had dat door propped open wit a couple of cases of tomatoes. Next thing I know, Jason talkin’ bout how dis woman fine and she a public school teacher and all kinds of other crazy stuff. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Nah, Jason – what you gonna do wit a public school teacher? She obviously got a education and probably want a man that got one too. You ain’t event decide yet whether you gonna go to college or not.

Jason: She’s cute, Lafayette. I went up to the bar to another beer and she was giving me the eye from afar.

Me: More like, she probably had something in her eye. What she want wit a fool like you, Jason? For real.

Jason: Well, I bet you 5 bucks she gonna go out wit me when I ask her.

Me: She gonna ask have you lost yo mind, Jason. She probably know all about you takin’ care of dat girl’s family in Hotshot. You know it don’t take long here for da gossip to make its rounds.

Jason: Oh yeah, Lafayette? Well you just wait and see. She’ll go out with me if I ask her. She won’t be able to resist that Stackhouse charm.

Me: Stackhouse charm? Shoot, I bet if you brought Sookie round here, she could listen in on dat teacher’s thoughts and she could tell you what kind of dang fool she think you are.

Jason: Oh, whatever Lafayette. Watch Jason in action. I’m bout to go out here and ask her on a date.

Me: Whatever you do, don’t shut dat door, Jason. I won’t be able to get outta here.

Jason: Like I’d do dat Lafayette.

Me: You best not do it. I don’t want to have to hurt you up in here. It’s as cold as a mug up in here and youse know ya boy don’t do cold.

And dat’s when da craziness started. Jason walked out da freezer and saw dat teacher coming toward him. He ran back into da freezer after pushing away da tomatoes and he shut dat dang door!

Me: What da hell, Jason? What da hell?

Jason: I panicked, Lafayette. I saw that beautiful woman coming toward me and I panicked. I wasn’t ready to ask her out. I was just going to admire her from afar and then maybe later on, I’d buy her a drink or something. Man, I was just playing – I wasn’t really gonna ask her out, but I wasn’t expecting to see her coming to talk to me, either.

Me: You fool. She was going to the ladies room. You know it’s right outside here.

Jason: Nah, I think she was checking me out. She probably wanted to make sure she got a chance to talk to me before Merlotte’s closed.

That’s when I walked over to the door and pulled on it and it was locked – from the outside. Now here we are in a 30 degree freezer and no way to get out. I started yelling and screaming and beating on the door, but no one heard me. Of all times to leave my cell phone in da kitchen!

Me: Gimme ya cell phone fool!

Jason: I left it on the bar, I think. *Jason digs around in his pockets, but comes up wit nothing*

Me: Are you kidding me? Ya fool! You really are a fool! I told ya not to close dat door, didn’t I? What we gone do now? We gone freeze up in here!

Jason: We gonna be OK. We gonna just yell and somebody will hear us.

30 minutes later, here we are literally freezing to death and ain’t nobody heard us and ain’t nobody helping us.

Me: Thanks a lot ya idiot. We gonna die up in her. Sam ain’t posed to be back until 7 in da morning and we trapped here now – it ain’t nothing but about 2 in da morning. We got another 5 hours in here.

*30 minutes later Jason gets a brilliant idea*

Jason: Lafayette, Grams used to always tell us if we ever got stranded in a car in a snowstorm, that you should take off all your clothes and snuggle up with whoever’s with you. She said that the body heat would keep you from freezing to death.

Lafayette: Why in da hell would Grams tell you dat? You live in Louisiana, fool. You probably never even seen snow, much less would ya ever get caught in a snowstorm.

Jason: Well, it’s worth a try. We gonna freeze to death in here for sure.

I (reluctantly) agreed and what followed was about da craziest damned thang that’s ever happened. Jason and I took off our clothes and tried to warm up. Next thang I know, we done fallen asleep on da floor of da freezer. I look up right, and what do I see? A pair of red stilletos and some skinny jeans. I jumped so hard I threw Jason off me. It was da sexy teacher he got a crush on. She said she got half way home when she realized dat she left her purse on da bar. When she came back in, everybody was gone, but nothin’ was locked up. She thought dat was strange and den she saw Jason cell phone on da bar. Since dey been having some strange occurrences in Bon Temps, she decided to check and make sure everybody was OK.

She opened da freezer and there we were, naked as da day we came into dis world! By now, Jason was awake and was trying to explain. Heehee, you shoulda heard dis mess dat was comin outta his mouth. He’d a done better to just let her think we were snuggling for real.

*Shakes head* Dat Jason, I tell ya. He can get himself in more than a little bit of trouble!

Disclaimer: “A Bon Temps Cold Front” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO


The Franklin Files — The Gifts

December 23, 2010

“You know our mamas would be ticked if they knew we were getting them the same thing.”

“Girlfriend, who the hell taught you to wrap a present? Don’t you know you line up the box along the top of the edge of the wrapping paper so you get a nice even line so it all wraps up nice and even?” Lafayette snatched the large box away from Tara. “Just let me wrap the damn presents. They’ll probably be pissed to know I wrapped them both, too, but damn, I can’t stand a bad wrapping job.”

“There is soooo much I could be saying right now, but since it’s Christmas Eve I think I’ll just leave it alone right now. I can’t wait to get up in the morning and visit our moms.”

“Correction. I’ll be visiting my mom and then we’ll be visiting Lettie Mae together. You know how Ruby Jean can get. And on a Messianic holiday?! Oh, Lordy! She oughtta’ be in fine form tomorrow!”

“Well, thanks for taking away my Christmas morning entertainment…”

“Well, that’s not how we used to remember Christmas.”

“Yeah, I remember.”

“Lafayette, do you remember when I got the beautiful Black Malibu Barbie and you got that set of Power Rangers? And I have to tell you, whatever you put in this eggnog is damn good.”

“Why thank you, Miss Merlotte’s Bartender. It’s a little nutmeg, rum, brandy and crème de cacao. Guess they should have me doing everything up in that place, huh? But, anyway, yes, I think the now famous Power Rangers/Malibu Barbie Christmas may be what sent our mothers over the edge.”

Tara threw a pillow at him. “Boy, trust me. Our mothers were far gone before that. I’m surprised they had their shit together enough to even get us those presents. I wouldn’t be surprised if Sookie’s grandmother bought them for us.”

“Yeah, she probably did. Which makes it even sadder that they threw them out.”

“Boy, don’t look so morose. Now it seems all kind of funny. The disco music was blaring from the radio, and you made that runway on my bed. And I hooked up that fly-line from my closet so that Malibu Barbie could come in and blow the whole thing up. It was awesome! But seeing it from their perspective, you can see why they freaked a little!”

“Yeah, they walked in just in time to see the red power ranger in a tutu get blown right off the bed!”

“It was awesome! But I did look like a psychopath!”

“And I looked like…me!”

“You’re crazy! And in spite of everything, I do love you. Here, open your present.” Tara handed him what was possibly the worst wrapped present in the history of Christmas.

“Well, I see you wrapped it yourself.”

“Bitch. Just open it.”

Lafayette opened the box and inside was a crystal etched frame containing a smiling picture of him and Tara in close-up, all the love and all the history coming through. Tara said, “Sookie took it at Merlotte’s sometime this past year.”

Lafayette started to tear up. “Tara I love it. And despite all the stuff I say, I love you more than anything, more than anyone on the face of this earth, baby girl.”

“I know.”

“Here’s your present.” He handed her a jewelry box with a bow on it. She opened it up to find a beautiful solid round gold bracelet. “It’s engraved on the inside, it says ‘Mi Corazón’ which means ‘My Heart’ in Spanish. With all the attention on ‘beating’ and ‘unbeating’ hearts going on around here, I wanted you to know that your heart means the world to me, always and forever.”

Tara was speechless. With tears in her eyes she gave her cousin a hug and then the two of them melted into the couch and for a long time sat watching the video of the yuletide log they had playing on the TV. Suddenly, Tara jumped up. “With everything being so busy, we never did find out who was missing in Franklin’s Journal!”

“Damn, you’re right! That will be our final Christmas gift to each other! To at least find that out!”

Sunday, December 23, 1855

So, I am bereft this Christmastide. I have Gwendolyn but my parents are gone. My father is nothing but a blithering idiot. I have a parish but no heart to lead it. I pray for help…

These last two weeks have been a blur and I can’t begin to recount what I haven’t written. Suffice it to say, Mother is still missing. It’s as if she as fallen off the face of the earth although she has visited me in my dreams, but I will write more of that in a moment.

Gwendolyn has recovered, most thankfully. But I do not know how I can move forward with marriage at this time without my dear mother here to witness it. What will my marital home mean without my darling mother there to give advice? What will grandchildren mean without mother there to play and dote upon them? What will my life as a clergyman mean without mother there to see my success? It seems my life has lost all meaning…

Father’s life most certainly has. I have had to take up all preaching, such as it is. I can barely put two words together, but it is more than Father can do. A terrible secret has been revealed to me. As soon as mother disappeared, Father relinquished all parish duties to me. I thought it was out of grief, but after a few days of it, I confronted him in his bed, and told him to get up and get to doing something that he’d be the better man for it, the parish needed him, and so on and so forth. He completely broke down and confessed that he has done none of the parish work for years except for the visiting and the “showy” things, that mother does all the administrative work, and even writes his sermons for him! She always has, he says! He’s completely incapable of it. So, I’ve been left to do it all. He’s become nothing but a driveling mess, and I’d be angry if he weren’t so utterly pathetic. And to be honest, I’m too exhausted.

I haven’t been able to sleep well, after a horrible nightmare about mother about a week ago. Each night I both fear it will recur and hope that it will happen again so I may see her and have a clue as to where she is. I dreamed that I was awakened to find her and Mr. Flintwich, Mr. Edgington and Mr. Tobin all standing around my bed. She was holding my hand with hands as cold as ice, and then began to sniff at me as if she were taking in my scent. At this point Mr. Edgington and Mr. Tobin pulled her away from me, whispering that it was unwise for her to get too close.

In case it was really her, I tried to draw her in, by telling her that I had purchased that beautiful burgundy dress from the dress shop to give her as a gift for Christmas. I knew it would be like catnip for her and it she were truly alive she couldn’t resist. “Oh, Franklin, you bought the dress for me? You’re such a loving son.” But again, Mr. Edgington yanked on her arms, and said, something about being a maker or something. I couldn’t quite understand it.

Again, I brought up the dress, and her beautiful hair, trying to draw her out. But then Edgington got really angry and said they had to leave. She began to cry but her tears were like the blood of our Savior as you see in some paintings. Tobin approached me directly and said some words about forgetting they were there, but I started praying for my mother and her soul, the image of her tears being so horrific.

Mother must be dead, if not, why would she not return to me? The dream was just a nightmare and it is all jumbled and foggy in my brain. But I went to Mrs. Meagles to try to talk to Flintwich, Edgington, and Tobin, but only Flintwich and Waters remain. Edgington and Tobin have sailed for the States, which seems odd given the time of year. I know it is not Christian, but I would not mind they meet a winter storm and perish. Forgive me! There is something not right about those men. As to Flintwich and Waters, Mrs. Meagles said they are never available during the day, and that she would ask that they stop by the rectory without delay.

“Damn! I hate how this boy continues to make me feel bad for him! No wonder I was drawn to him. We’re both from the F’d Up Mother’s Club!” Tara threw a pillow into the chair next to her.

“Girl, it’s time we head over to Merlotte’s to work. There’s going to be a big time Christmas partying going on. Then we got some serious bejeweled robes and slippers to deliver. They are going to love them. My mom is going to have the finest robe in the nursing home and she looks so fine in jewel tone purple. Maybe if the dollar store is open, we can stop and get her a crown, she’d love that.”

“Yeah, if Franklin thinks his mama is a princess, he hasn’t met Ruby Jean. Now that woman thinks she’s a queen!”

Lafayette sighed, “Girl, sometimes, I think she really is.”

Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers who contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Photo & Graphics By: Sarahfina


Christmas Magic

December 22, 2010

The wind whipped around Sookie’s head as she headed to work at Merlotte’s.  She sighed deeply.  It was just barely over a week before Christmas and the temperature was still in the upper sixty’s.  Some days it even reached into the seventy’s.  It had snowed in Bon Temps a few times in her life, but not in many, many years.  It had been a rough year and Sookie wanted more than anything to really get into the Christmas spirit, but for some reason it was very difficult this year, and the weather was not helping.  Everyone at Merlotte’s knew she had been in a cranky mood, but no one really knew why.  Sookie was usually so pleasant; her recent attitude had those who knew her at a loss.

“Sook, why you so upset baby girl?  You got that vampire melancholy going on and honey it just don’t work right for you.” Lafayette told her towards the end of the night.

“I know Lafayette.  I’m just really bummed about Christmas this year.  I want to have a party but no one is really interested in it and I want it to snow, more than anything. I would love to wake up one of these mornings and see snow covering everything.”

“Well child, sorry to tell but you is living in the wrong part of the country for that to happen.  We got ourselves a regular December heat wave.”

“Yeah I know,” Sookie mumbled as she went to Sam’s office to get her purse and head home.

Sookie’s mood only worsened when she awoke to another muggy morning and the local paper’s front page headline: “Fire Melts Needy Children’s Christmas Wishes.”

Everyone was talking about the fire when she got into work.  The town was buzzing about what a shame it was and how sad it was that the rotary club’s building burned down with all those presents inside.  Sookie listened to what people said and what they thought.  Everyone voiced their sympathy but she didn’t hear anyone that was willing to do anything about it.

“I have had enough!” she yelled, slamming her tray down on the nearest table and getting the attention of everyone in the bar.  “We’re done talking about this and we are going to do something about it.  I am sick and tired of everyone saying how bad they feel.  We are GOING to throw a party and everyone is GOING to bring presents so we can make sure those kids have a Christmas!”

The entire bar was dead quite after Sookie’s outburst.  Sam came out from the back and joined Sookie.

“Party will be here in two days, folks.  Everyone spread the word and remember to bring presents.”

Sookie smiled up at Sam. “Thanks,” she said.

“Anytime, and you’re right!  We gotta do something.  I’ll go call Tara, you call Jason and we will get the whole town together.”

Sookie left Merlotte’s that night feeling really good about herself.  She headed to her car when Bill popped up out of nowhere.

“Bill!  You scared me!”

“Sorry Sookie.  I heard you are planning a party to help replace the toys that were lost in the fire.”

“Yeah, we are gonna have a party here at Merlotte’s in two days and everyone has to bring a present, or presents, for the kids.  I talked to Jason, Tara, Alcide, Andy and everyone else we could think of.  They are all gonna come and help out.”

Bill smiled at her and as always she wondered what he was thinking.

“Would you mind if I helped out too?”

Sookie was surprised. “No, of course not!  Tell Jessica, you guys come for sure!”

Bill smiled again as he watched Sookie head towards home.  When she was out of sight he pulled out his phone and called Eric.

“Eric, I know you could care less about this, but considering it would make Sookie indebted to you, you might want to pay attention.  There was a fire last night and it destroyed the Christmas presents of some local needy children.  She is throwing a party in a couple of days to replenish the presents.  You want Sookie deeply in your debt, figure out how to help her out.”

Eric was quiet for a second before answering. “Thanks for the information, Bill.”

They both hung up.

Time flew by and before Sookie had time to look up it was the night of the party.  So far everyone was going to come, even some of the kids that the presents were for.  The only thing Sookie was still trying to find was someone to play Santa Clause.  She had a suit, just no one to wear it.  Bill finally told her he would take care of finding someone or would do it himself.  Sookie had laughed at him thinking he was way too skinny to play Santa.

By seven that night most of the town was mingling around Merlotte’s.  Alcide showed up with a truck load of toys (courtesy of the wolves in Shreveport).  There were almost more presents than had been lost.  Sookie was really excited and happy knowing that these kids were going to get a Christmas.  Just as she was about to freak out about the lack of a Santa, the front door of Merlotte’s opened and a chilly breeze blew through the bar.

“HO HO HO!  Merry Christmas everyone!” a deep voice echoed throughout the bar.

Everyone turned and looked to see a jolly man dressed as Santa.  The kids flipped out and ran up to him.

“Whoa!  Hold on one second, let Santa relax for just a minute and put my feet up!  I have had a quite a journey.”

Sookie pulled Sam aside. “Do you know who that is?”

Sam looked at her with wide eyes. “I thought you knew him.  I don’t have any idea who it is.”

They both continued to watch as “Santa” placed a large bag he had carried in by his side and grabbed a chair to sit down in.

“Um, er, Santa?  Would you like any refreshments?”  Sookie asked, hoping she could tell by his voice who the mystery Santa was.

“Oh thank you so much Sookie!  I would love a glass of milk if you have any?”  He smiled and winked at her.

Sookie still had no idea who the man was but went to get him some milk.  She pulled Lafayette out of the kitchen with her.

“Do you know who that is?” she asked him.

“Sookie, now you know I’m into some crazy sh… er stuff, but I’m not down with fat white men in costume, that’s too freaky even for me.” He laughed as he headed to grab a drink.

Sookie rolled her eyes at Lafayette’s pervy sense of humor.

As she handed Santa his milk he began taking the children on his lap and asking them what they wanted for Christmas.  The strange thing was, as each child voiced their wish, Santa pulled it out of his bag, and he certainly did have a lot of MP3 players in that bag!

Santa kept the kids busy for the next couple of hours with stories and tricks.  Finally, he stood up to leave.

“Oh, wait a second, I never asked Sookie what she wanted.  After all, it was her idea to plan this party; I suppose we should ask her what she would like for Christmas.”

Everyone applauded and pushed Sookie toward Santa.  Embarrassed, she walked forward, and strangely enough, heard absolutely nothing from Santa.  His silence was as peaceful as Bill’s (or any other vampire).  She nodded to herself, that explained everything.  He was a vampire Bill had obviously asked to do this.  Relaxing a bit she walked over to him and sat on his lap.

“So Sookie, what would you like for Christmas?”

Sookie thought for just a second. “Well Santa, I know you probably can’t do this one, but I would really like it to snow.”

Santa was quiet for a minute before answering her. “Sookie, I would like nothing more than to make that happen for you and I will certainly do my best, but even I can’t do everything, this is Louisiana after all.”

Sookie laughed. “I know, but it can’t hurt to ask,” she said, smiling.

Santa winked again and got up to leave.

“Well, Santa has to get back to the North Pole; I have a busy few days ahead of me!”

With a merry wink to all in attendance, he headed out the door.  Sookie saw that he left his hat on the chair.  She grabbed it and ran out the door to catch him.

Santa was no where to be found but she heard heated voices coming from around the side of the bar.  She walked over cautiously only to find not one, but two, Santa’s arguing intensely.

“I told you I was going to do this!”

“You did not, you told me to do something and Pam actually gave me this idea”

“Of course she did!”

Sookie stood dumbfounded as she stared at Bill and Eric, both in Santa Claus suits, yelling at each other.

“Bill? Eric?  What are you guys doing here?  Bill, the Santa you sent just left.  He was amazing; by the way, you will have to tell me who he was.”

Bill stared at Sookie as if she were crazy. “Sookie, I couldn’t find anyone to do it.  That’s why I dressed up to come do it myself and ran into Eric who obviously thought he could do a better job.”

Eric growled at him.  Sookie couldn’t help but laugh at the site of Eric Northman, Viking warrior, dressed as Santa; then again, maybe he had known the guy.

“But, if you didn’t send that guy, then who was he?” Sookie asked to no one in particular.  Both men remained silent.

Sookie hadn’t realized that the temperature had dropped quite a bit since the start of the party.  She felt something light and wet land on her cheek.  Looking up, Sookie saw small white flakes falling slowly from the sky.

Sookie’s mouth fell open. “No way!”

The next morning, Bon Temps woke up to find the entire town blanketed in snow.  The weather report called it a freak storm and a major weather anomaly because not a flake of snow fell anywhere else in the entire state of Louisiana.

Disclaimer: “Christmas Magic” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

By: Reagan Grimes

Graphic credit:


Ask Dr. L — Tis the Season

December 20, 2010

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

December 20, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
My dear husband and I are normal, elderly folks. We don’t smoke, drink (well … maybe a little now and then) or smoke wackyweed. We are law abiding, upstanding citizens.
Unfortunately, about 3 years ago we happened to have HBO and saw a show on a Sunday night that we thought we might like. As a matter of fact, we REALLY like the show. I mean, We REALLY really like the show!
The show is named True Blood. Have you ever heard of it? It has a pretty little telepath, a couple or 3 knockout vampires, some hot werewolves and awesome shapeshifters.
Now our problem is this. The show only lasts about 4 months at the time. And … we have become … adicted. Adicted to the show and the cast and the writers and the crew and the websites and the – well you get the picture.
PLEASE! Dr. L. Can you help us?
Yours truly,
Grannie for 7

Dear G7,
(sounds rather like a disease…or one of those useless political summits),
I lead a very full, busy life, and have very little time for frivolous things like TV shows- and little patience for those who become addicted to them. BUT, in this case, you may not realize that our little town, Bon Temps, is not just a work of fiction. Having treated Miss Sookie Stackhouse myself, I can tell you she is very real, as is her vampire boyfriend and that awful sheriff vampire, Eric. (One of these days, he and I will have a showdown…).
Anyhow, I hear often that people are in despair that the show revolving around our town is only on four months. Please, think of those of us being followed by those TV people, cameras, etc. We need a break, my friend!
As for your addiction, I do treat people in my office who are addicted to those slimy vampires. So please, call my office and set up an appointment. I take cash, check and most major credit cards. I’ll have you and Gramps vampire free in, oh about 15 or 20 visits. (ka ching…)

Hi Dr. L,
I’m currently dating a vampire, who has promised me he would stick “true” to only drinking “True Blood.” He knows that I’m very finicky when it comes to my own blood and he has pledged to never drink my blood without my permission. I also am a very pure girl who wants to wait until the perfect moment before…giving…myself to him. Therefore, ruling those two things out, and given the time of year….do you have any thoughts on what I can get my vampire-beaux for Christmas? I don’t really know what else they need or want…

-Secret Santa

Dear Secret,
Reading your letter makes me realize people must really fall off of turnip trucks. Either that, or there is an outbreak of stupid going around. Methinks it might be the latter…
First of all, who believes any promises from lying vampires? To believe he will stick to True Blood, well, that’s like asking pigs to stay out of mud. Ain’t gonna happen. Not to ruin your fantasy, or anything,Pollyanna, but there are plenty of Fangbangers out there ready and willing to stick their necks out (among other things) to quench your vampire boy’s lust.
So, my True advice for you is, give him a nice silver neck chain for Christmas…

Greetings Dr. L,
I’m a HR rep for my corporation. One of our crews has a night shift, and since we are an Equal Opportunity Employer, we hired a vampire who seems more than qualified to complete the job set required of him. However, he has recently inquired about health benefits and I was unsure of how to respond, considering that they are technically dead. I was wondering if perhaps you knew of any other organizations that have run into this problem and if there is any sort of literature on the subject.
Thank you!

HR Holly

Dear HRH,
This is an excellent question, and I am glad you brought it to me. Though it does seem highly unlikely a dead creature would need any medical attention, they actually DO now and then. This also applies to the shifters, weres, faeries, and otherworldly beings.
The most important question you need to ask is, WHO will treat these beings in their times of need? Again, I am glad you asked. Well, OK, so I asked, but nevertheless…let me reassure you that I, Dr. Ludwig, am the gold standard in treating any and all of the above mentioned folks, so I would be delighted to be contracted to your company as their healthcare provider. My fees may be just a teeny, tiny bit higher…OK, so they are a LOT higher, but who else is going to risk treating something that could wipe them out with one bite? But I am not afraid of any vampire- or other creature of the night- or day. Call me.

Dr. L — I need your help! I’m a teenager and well…I recently turned into a cat. I mean,obviously I’m back as a human, but I’m really hoping that the explanation was that I’m a shifter. My parents never mentioned anything…so I don’t know. But that’s not the point. I told my boyfriend and he was a little freaked out, but he told me that despite this new development he never wants me to “change.” Well I can’t help but change…it’s what I do!!! Is there anyway I can save my love life?

-Sadface Shifter

Dear Miss Kitty,
First off, I think your boyfriend is lacking in imagination. I know I have dressed up as a cat in my little love play scenarios, and it has been wildly popular. But we won’t go there…
There are some rather intricate, involved treatments one can undergo- at my clinic of course (I take cash, check and major credit cards) to stop or at least lessen the frequency of shifting events. If you are interested, give my office a call.
But personally, I would just go with it. Cats see more action than most humans (well, excluding moi, of course..). Where do you think the term “catting around” came from? And you can easily climb trees, feel the wind in your whiskers as you run free, eat all the sushi you want- I say, have kitty litter will travel!

I’m a Werewolf and for obvious reasons I live out in the country to try to stay away from people in case I can’t control my changing. There are a couple of farms out there. There are also some REAL wolves that are attacking live stock and I swear I have nothing to do with it. But the local farmers are ready to beat down my door like I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Any ideas on how I can clear my name?

Weary Were

Dear Weary Were,
I have heard this same story many times. Of course, the wild wolves are only trying to survive. Yet, those farmers, usually rednecks, are ready to shoot the ass off of a poor wolf for trying to feed her family (yes, it is usually the female who does the hunting and feeding- lazy males!). Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these trigger happy farmers put out into the wild to fend for themselves, naked, no food or water, no guns (except if I had to see them naked, I’d probably wish I’d put Drano in my eyes instead) and let the wolves chase them around for a few days.
But none of this answers your query. I suggest you move on over to my area- like near Bon Temps. The area is thick with your kind- you’ll fit right in.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.


Bungled Bunny

December 5, 2010

Sookie, you don’t have to do anything. Honestly, Carrie-Ann just moved here.”

Sam Merlotte, I am ashamed of you! We may not be a big town but we sure as heck know what southern hospitality is. Gran taught me better than that and you know it!”

Sookie was miffed at Sam. She expected more from him, a lot more. Carrie-Ann was a new waitress at Merlotte’s. She had moved from Kentucky because her soon-to-be husband was gonna be working a construction project on the outskirts of town. She’d been waitressing for a little over 6 weeks now, and at Merlotte’s that qualified you for a medal! Sookie was trying to plan her bachelorette party, but unfortunately, although Gran had taught her a great many things, the art of planning a bachelorette party was not one of those things.

Sookie was deep in thought when Bill walked in.

“What’s wrong Sookie?” Bill asked slightly alarmed, as concern crossed his face.

As always, the silence that accompanied Bill’s presence was a welcome relief.

“Well, I told our new waitress, Carrie-Ann, that I would plan a bachelorette party for her and I don’t have the foggiest idea what the heck I’m doing!”

Bill ducked his head, obviously attempting to hide a smile.

“Sookie, I will have to check my southern charms manual again, but I don’t remember seeing anything about bachelorette parties. I will be happy to assist you but I’m afraid my own skills are somewhat lacking.”

Sookie sighed. “Oh, I know. Thanks anyway.”

“I stopped by to ask if you would mind accompanying me to see Eric tomorrow. He has yet another favor to ask of us…and by us I mean you.”

Sookie looked up at him. She really didn’t want to do Eric Northman anymore favors, but it was a price she paid. As soon as that thought left her head, she had an epiphany.

“Bill! Eric! He must know all about parties and planning! Yes, I will go with you tomorrow. Come by here just after sunset.”

Sookie walked off happier than she had been all day. Bill frowned as he turned to leave Merlotte’s. He hated how excited she was. He knew in his head that it wasn’t really due to seeing Eric, she was just hopeful that he might be able to help her, but still, to him, excited was excited. Bill was afraid that if Eric sensed her need for his assistance, he might be able to talk her into more than was good for her. Sighing, Bill left the bar and headed home.

The next evening just after sunset, Sookie and Bill pulled up outside Fangtasia. Pam was working the door, looking appropriately stunning and scary all at the same time.

“Well, well, well! We haven’t had the pleasure of your company for a while. What brings you to our humble establishment?” Pam looked from Sookie to Bill with that certain look; one could never tell what her intentions were.
Bill answered, “Pam, we were summoned by Eric. But of course, you already knew that.”

“Yes, well, he didn’t exactly tell me what he wanted with you.” Dismissing Bill, she turned her attention to Sookie, “And how are you this evening?”

“Oh, I’m great, Pam. And hey, when we get done can I talk to you for a second? I have something I’m planning and I need your help.”

“Ooo, I’m enthralled,” Pam said with her usual charming sarcasm.

Bill and Sookie entered the bar and headed back to Eric’s office. The door was cracked and Eric was sitting at his desk. As usual, Sookie was struck by his presence. He seemed to fill the room with his authority. He looked up as the two entered.

“Bill, thanks for coming. Although I would have preferred it two days ago,” he said, with a hint of warning in his tone.

“Eric, remember I’m not the only one here and Sookie has priorities. She doesn’t have to jump at your beck and call.”

“She doesn’t. But you do,” Eric said menacingly. The two glowered at each other a second longer before Sookie jumped in.

“Oh for heaven’s sake, Eric! Bill said you needed my help or a favor or something. So what is it?”

Eric stood up and walked around the desk.

“Well as I said, if you had been here two days ago, I would have needed you to listen in on someone. However, let’s just say, there is no longer a need for those particular services.”

Sookie was about to lose her temper when she remembered she needed a favor as well. Covering her anger quickly, she plastered on her brightest smile.

“Oh well. No harm taking a trip over here. It has been quite a while since I’ve seen you.”

Eric crossed his arms over his chest and grinned, which in Eric terms meant that something of great hilarity had just struck him.

“I take it you need something from me?”

“Why would you say that?” Sookie asked as innocently as she could.

“Because you suck at sucking up. Take it from someone who sucks for a living.”

Sookie laughed slightly. Sometimes it bothered her that Eric seemed to be able to read her so easily.

“Well, I’m supposed to be planning a bachelorette party for someone and I have no idea how to do it. I was hoping that you might be able to help me?”

“And why should I know about such things?”

“Well, I just figured since you owned a bar, you might have some idea about parties.”

Eric thought for a second. He knew nothing about what she was asking, however, having Sookie indebted to him would always be of benefit. Surely, this was something he could have Pam take care of.

Eric seemed to be thinking it over and Sookie was hopeful. She had almost forgotten Bill standing there with her. She looked up at him and smiled, he returned it with a weak smile of his own.

“Yes, I will help you. When is the event supposed to take place?”

“On Saturday. We were planning to do it up at Merlotte’s after the bar closed.”

“Fine, I will see what we can come up with. Will that work?”

Sookie was actually surprised he asked her, “Yeah of course that will work. Thanks Eric.”

“Good. Pam,” Eric called into the hallway, “Come in here for a second.”

Pam sauntered into the office in her usual bored fashion.

“Sookie has asked me for a favor and I will need your assistance.”

Pam looked from Eric to Sookie and seemed about to protest but clamped her mouth shut and gave a barely perceptible nod as a knowing look passed between the two.

“Sookie, one of us will be in touch in a day or two.”

“Great! Thanks…ah, to both of you.” Sookie said with a nervous glance in Pam’s direction.

Bill and Sookie said their goodbyes and headed back to Bon Temps.

Over the next few days Sookie heard from Eric, perhaps a little more than she needed, but she wouldn’t complain since he was saving her bacon on this one. He’d assured her that Pam would be over the evening of the party and had the entertainment covered. Sookie’s face flamed as she recalled what he said just before hanging up. The nerve of that vamp! Of course, she wouldn’t be repeating that part of their conversation to anyone.

Friday evening arrived. Sookie and Arlene were decorating the bar with the decorations that Eric had sent over.

“Wow, Sookie! You really went all out on this stuff. It looks amazing!” Arlene said.

“Yeah, I know! Pam and Eric really helped me out on this one.” Sookie was thrilled with the decorations; everything was so very bright and sparkly. It looked like someone had thrown diamonds all over Merlotte’s. Sookie could only imagine that this might be what a Fairy land would resemble.

Jessica walked into the bar looking happier than Sookie had seen her in a long time. Arlene looked her way but kept her mouth shut and kept hanging decorations.

“I’m so excited, Sookie! I never got to go to any kind of wedding shower and I certainly never went to a bachelorette party. Maybe I can get some ideas if anything ever happens with me and Hoyt,” she said as she looked at the bar dreamily.

“Well, make sure and ask Eric, he is the one who helped me out. Pam too, she’s also coming by to give us a hand at the party.”

“Pam! Really? Wow, I can only imagine what she will come up with!”

“Hey!” said Arlene from atop the ladder where she was hanging some more lights. “What are we doing for entertainment?”

“Eric said Pam will take care of it. She left me a message that she had everything taken care of but she was really secretive about it. She sounded like she actually wanted to make it a surprise!” Sookie had to admit that she wasn’t too sure about that part because Pam was really not one to cater to humans, to say the very least.

The ladies finished decorating the back area of the bar. Merlotte’s would be open tomorrow but not the back area. It was reserved for the party.

Everyone headed home with calls of see you tomorrow.

The day of the party arrived. Sookie got off work early and went home to change. She headed back up to Merlotte’s later in the day to finish up and get everything ready. Arlene was already there helping Lafayette get the food together. Terry was helping Sam stock the bar so the ladies wouldn’t want for anything. The boys took off just as Jessica arrived, and the guests started filing in not long after that. Pam had yet to show up and Sookie began to worry.

“Sookie! You totally outdid yourself! I don’t even know what to say,” Carrie-Ann gushed. She was staring at the sparkling room in awe. There was a small table that was now covered with presents. Everyone was enjoying the food and drinks, the wine was flowing freely. Jessica had a True Blood and Carrie-Ann seemed honored to have a vampire at her bachelorette party.

“Someone told me you had some vampires helping you plan this! I can’t wait to see what the entertainment will be.”

“Me neither,” Sookie muttered under her breath. At that moment there was a gasp at the same time the front door closed. Sookie turned to see everyone staring at the entrance.

“Oh my god!” someone muttered from the back.

There stood Pam pulling a ridiculously large fake cake and dressed head to toe in a stripper bunny costume.

Sookie hurried toward Pam, taking a second to acknowledge that she looked damn good decked out in her bunny gear.

“Pam! What in the world are you doing?” she asked in a hushed whisper.

“What does it look like I’m doing? The human Eric hired to perform canceled last night so I Googled what was required for a party like this. It seems ridiculously easy; I could do it in my sleep.”

Sookie’s mind raced. What was she going to tell her? She couldn’t believe that Pam was actually looking at her like SHE was the crazy one.

“Listen, Cupcake. Just point me to someplace to wait till it’s my time to perform.”

“Um, Pam, what exactly did you look up on the computer?”

Pam looked at Sookie like she was beyond dense. “Why, Bachelor party entertainment, of course. And believe me; I’m toning it down because there is no way I will be giving lap dances to the local yokels here tonight.”

Sookie began turning red on Pam’s behalf.

“Pam, this is a bachelorette party. Bachelor parties have female strippers or dancers. Bachelorette parties have male strippers or dancers.”

Realization slowly dawned on Pam’s face and she looked as if she were bound to the spot by thick silver chains. Pam was naturally pale but Sookie could swear she watched the last vestiges of blood drain from her beautiful face.

By this time the other ladies in the room were trying extremely hard not to laugh. Everyone turned and started to busy themselves with something ever-so interesting on the other side of the bar. Sookie was grateful that they were obviously giving Pam space to make a dignified exit. She was shoving at the large cake and muttering when the door behind it opened and the cake came to a sudden halt, refusing to budge an inch.

Pam fairly snarled, “You’ve got two seconds to move your puny ass before I move it for you.”

“As much as I relish the thought of you attempting to move my puny ass, I highly doubt that you would succeed.” Eric’s voice was unmistakable coming from behind the wall sized cake.

Pam let out a strangled groan as Eric pushed the cake to the side and stood there gape-mouthed, alongside Bill Compton.
The two vampires looked stunned and amazed, which for two vampires whose natural state ran between serious and brooding, was impressive indeed.

“Pam…” Eric began, but couldn’t finish as his eyes traveled down the length of Pam’s outfit and then back up.

Bill on the other hand, didn’t even attempt to hide his laughter at Pam’s discomfiture. He laughed so long and so hard that even matching glares from both Sookie and Eric couldn’t stop him. In fact, Eric’s attempted stoicism faltered in the face of Bill’s total and complete breakdown and they both leaned into one another as laughter shook their bodies. Sookie wasn’t sure they would ever stop and was struggling to keep her own laughter in check. She saw the look on Pam’s face and desperately wanted to try and help her.

“What are you two doing here? This is a girl’s party!” Sookie tried to sound authoritative, but failed due to the bubble of laughter that was slowly forcing its way up and out.

Bill was still laughing but was the first to compose himself enough to speak. “I came to give Jessica a message but it can wait.” Still shaking with laughter, he took one last look at Pam and headed for the door. Just before exiting the bar he pulled something from his pocket and turned, “Say Cheeeeese.” He quickly snapped a picture with his cell phone then dashed out the door. No trace of him, except his laughter echoing behind.

Before Eric could even say anything to Sookie or Pam, Pam rounded on him.

“Your entertainment canceled. I knew you wouldn’t want anything to ruin this for your little pet here,” she jabbed a finger in Sookie’s direction. “You know, you weren’t very clear in your instructions!”

“Honestly, Pam,” Eric struggled for a decent breath as he swiped at the bloody tears that kept seeping from the corners of his eyes. “For the first time in over a thousand years, you have rendered me speechless. I…am…at…a…loss.” Eric was still laughing so hard that Sookie could barely understand him. “I shall enjoy this treat for centuries!”

Without a single word Pam gathered herself up to her full, impressive height, tossed a deadly look towards Eric, then Sookie and then the party goers and walked out of Merlotte’s with her head held high.

Eric was still wiping bloody tears as he turned to follow Pam out the door.

“Excuse me!” a voice called from the back of the party.

Sookie and Eric turned to see Carrie-Ann walking forward.

“We seem to be short some entertainment. I don’t suppose YOU could fill in?”

“I’m flattered. However after what we’ve just witnessed, I’m afraid I’d be a disappointment.” he said, breaking into another fit of laughter as he left the bar.

Disclaimer “Bungled Bunny” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Reagan Grimes

Bachelorette Graphics Credit:


The Franklin Files — The Disappearance

December 2, 2010

“Hey, Sook, how’s it shakin?” Lafayette asked as he walked through the backdoor into the kitchen of Sookie Stackhouse.

“Lafayette, what are you doing all the way out here? If you’re looking for Tara, she drove into town”

“Well, can’t I come visit you?”

“Well, you can, but since it’s never happened before, except when Tara was in serious trouble and I don’t see her being in trouble in her life or in your mind…oh, you’re here because of Jesús! Of course, you can hide his present here!”

“Sook, I hate it when you do that. Can’t you just pretend you don’t know? Just play dumb and LET. ME. TELL. YOU. STUFF. OKAY?”

“Okay, I’m sorry, Lafayette, Honestly. You know I try but I’m just so happy for you. The two of you are just so cute together.”

“Cute? We’re cute? We may be gay, but don’t be calling us ‘cute’. Damn, girl, don’t you know nothing?” Lafayette was really getting uptight.

“A little touchy are we?”

“YES! This is the first time I ever had to buy a Christmas present that I didn’t just go and pick up from Wal-mart at the last minute.”

“I will really cherish the cardigan you gave me last year, Lafayette.” Sookie said in mocked pain. “You remember, the one you told me you spent hours to find so that it would set off the highlights in my hair? Remember that one?”

“C’mon Sook, you know what I mean. Buying a gift for someone you think you love, especially the first Christmas gift is a big deal.”

“I know,” Sookie sighed and her eyes started to well up.

“Now what?”

“I really thought I’d be celebrating Christmas with Bill this year. I had found pictures of all his family members who’d been born since he’d died, or didn’t die, you know what I mean, in the library and I was going to get them framed for his Christmas present. But now I can’t.” Sookie started crying harder.

Lafayette went and put his arm around her. “Sookie, I’m sure he’s probably seen all those people anyway.”

“I’m not crying because he won’t see the pictures! I’m crying because I won’t be spending Christmas with him!” She punched him in the arm. “Lafayette just go! Go hide your present in Tara’s room!”

“Sookie, I was JOKING! I knew what you meant. I’m just trying to get you to smile a little. But I’ll head up to Tara’s room with this. And to save you the trouble of reading my mind, I got him a bracelet with a little engraving on it, and I know that you know that I know that you know that I know that you know what it says, etc., etc., etc., etc, etc…” and he continued this all the way into Tara’s room.

“Okay, where am I going to put this, so my girl don’t get all up in my business?” He opened up the closet and saw the clothes and shoes piled in the corner and thought that this has got to be the spot. Lafayette started to dig through the mound of stuff until he came to something hard and substantial. He pulled it out and was surprised to find a very large, very old leather briefcase. He opened it up to find a similar looking journal, with the name Franklin Mott on the cover. There was a red ribbon attached to it, to be used as a place keeper. “What is Tara doing with this? Why is she hiding it?” He opened it where the ribbon held the place and began to read:

Tuesday, 10 December, 1855

She is still missing. The men of the parish have set the hounds upon the woods and have been riding all day looking for her to no avail. It’s been horrible. What is to be done? I don’t know if I can go on like this much longer. I haven’t slept now for what? Let’s see, I discovered her disappearance after Sunday evening services. And I was up most of Saturday eve preparing my sermon so it’s been three days now. I can’t focus, I can’t think. I keep going through the details in my head wondering if I may have seen a clue or overlooked a detail in my worry and haste when I discovered she was missing.

Sunday afternoon, I reluctantly left her bedside for evening services, she had looked so wan and pale. In the last week, just like in the case of Mr. Meagles, she seemed to get no better and the bite marks would not heal. In the beginning, both Mother and Gwendolyn, suffered these strange symptoms but she only she continued to decline. I rushed back to her bedside from services, asked after her from the nurse who said she’d been sleeping peacefully and she’d heard nothing from her in the last hour since the nurse had gone in to wipe her brow and clean her up a little in my absence. I went up to the door and knocked and getting no response I went downstairs and waited half an hour, dozing off myself. I felt a shiver run through me when I swore I was awakened by the howl of a wolf. I bolted upstairs and opened the door. And nothing! She was gone! I called for the nurse and the maid and everyone in the house and no one had seen her. It was horrible. We ran outside but there were no signs of anyone, no sounds of wolves, nothing. The nurse and the maid swear that they never were out of listening range and would have heard her try to leave by the front door and the cook was in the kitchen preparing for tomorrow so the back door was also an impossibility.

I must confess I don’t understand it. How does one vanish into thin air? I saw no obvious signs of anything out of place except for her. Oh, how can my heart go on? What about the life of happiness I planned? If she’s dead none of it will come to pass for it will mean nothing to me. Marital bliss, fatherhood, a lifetime of happiness will not be open to me if she does not live to see it. She has got to be found and found alive….

“Just what the hell do you think you’re doing?” Tara stood in the doorway of her bedroom.
“I think I should be asking you that question. Why are you reading this crazy ass vampire’s journal?” Lafayette was trying to come up with something to take the sting out of being caught.

“Kind of interesting, ain’t it?”

“Girl, yes. Who is she?”

“She who?”

“The ‘She’ that’s missing. Aren’t you reading this thing? Right here where the ribbon is.”

Tara took the journal, “Don’t say another word. I always put the ribbon where I’m going to read next. It just happened to go on a new page, so I don’t know what you’re talking about. Don’t wreck it for me.”

“Well, read it so you can tell me who it is.”

“Lafayette, I’m glad you found the journal, I’ve been dying to talk to someone about it. But I don’t think we should tell anyone else about it. I don’t know if word got out that I had this, let alone that I was reading it, that the vampires would be very happy about it.”

“Damn, girl, just what I needed. One more reason for vampires not to like me. I’m already their ‘favorite’ black, gay, short order cooking, drug dealing, fine-ass looking, now add vampire journal reading, man in Louisiana. Thanks a lot.”

“Are you finished?” Tara blew out an exasperated sigh. “Just keep it quiet. And keep your mind on something else when you’re with Sookie so she doesn’t know it’s here.” Tara started to put the book away.

“And I do that how?”

“Think good things about Jesús”

“Oh, yeah. That’ll work.”

The two of them started down the stairs when Tara asked, “Just what were you doing in my room?”

“Doesn’t’ matter.”

When they got to the kitchen Sookie was still cleaning in the kitchen. Tara told her they both needed to get off to work.

“Okay, my shift starts in two hours, so I’ll see you there.”

Lafayette gave her a big hug and handed her the box for Jesús, “Sookie will you keep this for me until Christmas?”

“What were you doing in Tara’s room all this time?”

“Oh, it doesn’t matter. See you on the flip side.” Lafayette practically ran out of the kitchen.

Sookie thought to herself, “Normally, when people tell me it doesn’t matter, it usually does…

Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Photo & Graphics By: Sarahfina


The Franklin Files — The Evergreens

November 23, 2010

“Come and trim my Christmas tree
With some decorations bought at Tiffany
I really do believe in you
Lets see if you believe in me

Santa Baby, forgot to mention one little thing
A ring
I don’t mean on the phone
Santa Baby, so hurry down the chimney tonight…”

Tara arrived at Merlotte’s just in time to see Arlene’s little song and dance on top of the bar as she strung lights over the mirror behind it. As she reached the end, she bent down into Terry’s arms and he met her with a big old hug and kiss.

“Oh, geez,” said Tara. “I didn’t know the Rockettes were performing nightly down here in Bon Temps. Sam better put someone at the door to collect a cover charge for the entertainment.”

“Tara Mae Thornton, just because you can’t get a man to stay around long enough to love you through the holidays, don’t mean you have to ruin it for the rest of us.” Arlene hated all the negativity that sometimes came from her co-workers. “I got me a good man who loves both me and my two kids plus this young ‘un on the way, so we are gonna’ have us a good Christmas and we just want to spread some of the Christmas Cheer we’re feeling if that’s alright with you.”

“Yeah, Tara, we just want to spread some of this Christmas love we’re feeling right now.” Terry went to put his arms around Arlene.

“Not right now, honey, can’t you see I’m all hot and bothered. And you know I hate to be cuddled when I’m all pissed like this. Just go in the back and cook something, would you?” Terry went to the back, his eyes welling up.

“So, Tara, why don’t you  just go sit in a booth and stick your nose in that stupid book your always reading lately, and when you’re done being naughty and ready to be nice you can get your butt behind the bar.” Arlene went to hang some colored bulbs around the order window. “Geez, Terry, are you crying in there? Lord, honey, I didn’t mean nothing, let’s hang that mistletoe. C’mon you big sweet old Sugarbear. You know that girl is gonna to be the death of me. Come on and get out here.”

“What the hell does she know about anything?” thought Tara. “I’d have a man here for the holidays if Eggs hadn’t been shot.” Tara knew this was going to be one hard Christmas and she hated to think about it. She’d stopped by the cemetery on the way here. Sookie thought it would help to have a place to go to visit Eggs and it did sometimes, but not this morning. The weather was as cold and damp outside as it was inside Tara’s heart. Maybe things would look brighter in 1855 so she turned to Franklin Mott’s journal and started to read.

Sunday, December 2, 1855

It is after midnight, and I can’t believe all that has happened. It has truly been the worst night of my life. I am worried beyond belief. It appears now that we were quite wrong about what caused the death of Mr. Meagles. It was not a snake that bit him but some strange sort of blood sucking wolf! I know this because the wolves attacked us this evening and they got a hold of Mother and Gwendolyn! I’m terrified that they will suffer the same deadly fate.  Although I am exhausted beyond belief, I want to write down what happened just in case within this pitiable record I may later find a clue that will hold a key to fix this dreadful situation.

For this evening’s service, we did the annual “Hanging of the Greens.” It is one of my most favorite nights of the church year, and I love the Story of the Evergreens at Christmas.

700 years after Christ’s birth, Winfred of England (later, St. Boniface), was sent to the pagan tribes of Germany. One day, while walking in the forest, he came upon a ceremony where a human sacrifice was about to take place to worship the spirit of the forest. The usual ceremony involved the sprinkling of an innocent child’s blood around an oak tree to please the god of the forest. Winifred begged for the ceremony to be stopped, but his pleadings were ignored. In desperation, he grabbed the ceremonial ax and cut down the oak tree. The anger of the people soon turned to amazement when they saw a small fir tree spring up in the center of the tree to replace the fallen oak. A shaft of light caused each twig to glisten brightly in the darkness and the people listened and believed when Winifred told them the tree was a symbol of the birth of life through Christ.

I always love telling this story, and having the children gather around me as we go from station to station and light the candles against the darkness that have been places in the boughs of evergreens. I’m so good with children and love when they greet me in the parish. How different my home shall be than the one I am raised in! Gwendolyn and I will be such different parents. But, oh! After tonight all that may be lost to me.

After services, Mother invited a few families to our home for a little celebration. She invited Mrs. Meagles, with Mr. Flintwich and Miss Waters in tow, along with Mr. Edgington and Mr. Talbot, who unawares to me, were still in town. Gwendolyn, her guardian Mrs. General, and a few other families from the parish were also invited. Our four carriages were all together in the night. Mother and I were leading the way with Gwendolyn’s party behind us, and the Meagles’ group, in two carriages, were taking up the rear. All was well until out of the woods we heard the strange howl of the wolves we had heard at Mr. Meagles’ wake. The horses immediately became restive, and then a pack of wolves showed themselves and all sorts of mayhem ensued. With horses rearing and our cabriolets going hither and yon, Mother and Gwendolyn both being such slight creatures, must have fell out of the carriages, for the next thing I saw were the wolves dragging them by the hems of their dresses  into the woods.

Forgive my cursing, Lord, but it was bloody awful! You could hear their screams as they were pulled away. I felt completely impotent as I sat motionless in shock. But the men in the Meagles’ carriage immediately sprang to action, and with unbelievable speed ran into the woods. Their screams continued briefly but then ended when, apparently, the men found them and shortly thereafter carried them out.

We rushed them to our home and put them to bed where our housekeeper and chambermaid, under the strong direction of Mrs. General, started their ministrations. Within a short time Mrs. General reported that they had suffered numerous bites, like those suffered by Mr. Meagles, were quite weak, and still did not seem to know themselves.

I am so worried, I barely know myself this night! Except that I am a coward. I let those men run into those woods while I stood in the road, feet firmly planted in a state of shock. Yet, I barely had a chance to move, it happened so fast. I hardly remember them falling from the carriage. In fact, if I look back upon the event, I’d swear those wolves circled only our two carriages and not the last two conveyances at all. I was so busy trying to hang onto the horses. It’s strange to me that the wolves showed not the slightest interest in attacking the horses. They simply took Mother and Gwen after they fell from the carriage. And did they truly fall? I don’t really recall seeing them fall. It was all such a blur. Once this emergency passes, I will have to question Mrs. General more closely. Somehow, I have the feeling I should not trust Mr. Flintwich and his friends.

“You got that right,” said Tara. “I can’t believe I’m actually starting to feel sorry for this guy. I guess he got screwed by the vamps too. But, that doesn’t give him a pass on being totally and completely messed up. Lord, I don’t know what to think! I hate this book!” Tara slammed it shut and walked back inside to find Arlene and Terry decorating the Christmas tree.

“Whaddya’ think Tara? The tree looks real pretty, don’t it?” asked Arlene, obviously hoping to make up.

“It sure beats the hell out of children being sacrificed.”

“What are you talking about? Just stop it. I was going to ask you to put the star on top but you can just forget it.”

“That’s exactly what I’d like to do. Forget it. Give me that star, Arlene.” Tara climbed that ladder and started to sing, “Oh, Christmas tree, O Christmas tree, how lovely are your branches…

To herself, Tara thought, “Maybe if I sing loud enough, I just might forget what happened in those woods.”

Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Photo & Graphics By: Sarahfina


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