True Blood’s Craziest Sex Techniques

September 10, 2010

True Blood’s Crazy Sex Scenes:

There are plenty of reasons for fans to love True Blood, but there is one that makes us keep coming back for more. The outrageous sex scenes and frequent nudity the vampire series throws at viewers, while are great for vampires, aren’t meant for mere mortals. Let’s take a trip down memory lane to see the top 8 sex scenes fans at home shouldn’t do.

December-May Relationship?

1. What do you (a sexy a affluent older woman) do when a naked teenager is robbing your house? Call the police? Throw something at him? In Maryann’s case when she catches Sam in her home grabbing at her belongings, the logical thing for her to do is to sleep with him. No home burglary should end with sexy time, especially when the burglar (like Sam) is 17! In real life, Maryann would probably lose her valuables and her freedom when she’s charged with statutory rape.

Gives Playing in the Dirt a New Meaning

2. One of the earliest scenes that told fans True Blood wasn’t your average brooding vampire show was the sex scene between Bill and Sookie in the dirt. Remember that one? Sookie thinks Bill’s dead and goes to his grave with flowers and finds Bill is alive. Rather than spend time frightened at the fact her boyfriend has jumped out of the ground like a zombie, they instead celebrate their reunion by rolling around in the dirt. Now as hot as this scene was, in the back of our heads we’re all thinking the same thing: how unsanitary. In the end this little sex frolic will cost mortals cuts and scrapes, UTI’s, and trouble with the law for public indecency.

All  Night Long

3. If you saw the pre-webisodes that got fans ready for Season 3, then you know everyone wanted a piece of the newest dancer Yvetta. This beautiful woman caught the eye of Eric Northman and her new job came with a lot of perks. Such as? Well, though fans only catch the end tail of their sex session, Eric prides himself in telling Sookie that he’s been with Yvetta for hours upon hours. Great for Eric, but what about Yvetta? For this mortal, she’s going to have to deal with dehydration, muscle cramps, and painful chafing. None of this sounds very attractive. As hot as Eric is, do we really want to endure that much uncomfortableness?

Hard to Watch

4. The worse thing about the sex scenes between Tara and Franklin was that it was clearly rape; Franklin was crazy and kidnapped Tara, forcing her to join him against her will. If this had been consensual, then the worst moment between their lovemaking would have to be Tara’s love bite. While we understand Tara’s motives, the way she tore into Franklin’s flesh was far from sexy and fans may not want to try it at home. Aside from being a mood killer, there’s danger of bleeding out, scarring, and choking on your partner’s blood.

Bloody Hell

5. Once again, Bill finds himself in a mess; it seems this Southern gentleman likes to have dirty sex. First we see him with Sookie in the dirt and then we see him with Lorena in a bed soaked in blood and two bodies they’ve just drained. Lorena and Bill make friends with a 1920s couple, seduce them, kill the man and bite the girl only to then have sex, while the girl bleeds out underneath them. Aside from getting a blood born disease, you’ll have crippling guilt over your monstrous actions while you’re behind bars, since you’ll be arrested soon after your pleasure act.

Getting Pinned

6. Something tells fans that sex with Eric will always be complicated. Talbot sure found that out the hard way. Everyone it seems, but Talbot and Russell, knew Eric’s interest in them was a little suspicious. So when Eric volunteers to keep Talbot company, fans all uttered uh oh at the same time. While we all knew Eric would stake Talbot while taking him from behind, we do wish it hadn’t ended so abruptly. For this sex scene, your looking at some tough fabric stains, but not to worry depending on your role in the act you’ll either be arrested or dead.

Another No-No

7. While sex between Tara and Sam is pretty tamed compared to what’s going on around them, it’s still a big no no. The emotions behind it have always been loneliness and grief, which are not very sexy. The worst part is that Sam is Tara’s boss and it’s always a bad idea to sleep with your boss. Add to it that both Sam and Tara have issues with alcohol, sex between them will only cause feelings of unease the next day as well as unemployment, a sexual harassment suit, and cirrhosis.

Twisted Indeed

8. When Bill and Lorena are together, logic and calm are thrown out the window and fans are sucked into crazy town. When Bill is enraged after realizing that Lorena’s meddling may cause him to never see Sookie ever again, Bill expresses his anger by having sex with her. Wait, what? Disgusted with her face, Bill twists Lorena’s head 180 degrees and continues to sexually release his anger. Hazard? We’ll let you figure that one out.

There are plenty of crazy sex scenes on the HBO series; it makes a great excuse to re-watch all three seasons with friends and discover all the sex scenes (while hot) would be hazardous to the mere mortal.

Source:–Eight True Blood Sex Scenes You Shouldn’t Try at Home

(Photo Credit: HBO Inc.)


Profile on True Blood’s Mariana Klaveno

September 1, 2010

Mariana Klaveno, True Blood, LorenaIt’s a sign of what a good actress she is that people often seem to be a little afraid of Mariana Klaveno because of her True Blood character, Lorena. Any interview you read with her however, shows what a likable, down-to-earth person she is in real life. In the  summer issue of Elegant Accents, Mariana discusses her rural upbringing, her acting experiences, and what’s on her to-do list after True Blood.

Mariana loves playing the villain, but that’s far from what you’d expect–she grew up on a farm in Washington state, playing outside and riding horses with her three older siblings:

“I had an idyllic childhood, very free and very safe. It was a good way to cultivate an imaginative mind.”

When she got to college, she enrolled in an acting class and fell in love with drama. She performed in a wide range of plays during her time there and, upon graduating, packed up to move to L.A. She lived with her brother and booked small roles in television. Many actors talk about the struggle to “make it” in the business, and Mariana says it took a while but every year got better. She worked for seven years as a hostess at a restaurant, which she finally quit doing once she got the steady job on True Blood.

She tells the story of auditioning for True Blood and how it was just another audition. The show hadn’t even aired yet, although she was familiar with Alan Ball‘s work. At her second reading, she heard lots of laughter in the room for the girl who followed her. She didn’t understand how the scene could be funny, but she just assumed she didn’t get the part. She was delighted to learn otherwise:

“It’s nice to be part of something. The collaborative experience with actors, directors, and writers makes it so rewarding.”

Well, Lorena has joined the ranks of the dearly departed on True Blood, which was good because she was really messing things up for Bill and Sookie, but bad because Mariana’s performance was so amazing as a woman too in love to let go. Up next, Mariana has a movie coming out with David Strathairn called No God, No Master that she filmed in 2009. She also says she’d like to spend time volunteering and learning to speak Spanish (her boyfriend, former actor, Luis Patino is Colombian-American).

We wish her the best in everything she does! Hopefully, there might be an opportunity to see her again in Bill flashbacks or something, but no matter what, she will always be an important part of the show.

SOURCE: Elegant Accents Magazine via Mariana Klaveno Fan Page

(Photo credit: HBO Inc.)


Mariana Klaveno Talks About Lorena’s Infatuation

August 13, 2010

It’s always sad to hear a girl’s story about the guy she loves not loving her back…unless that girl is Lorena, who thinks love is decades of crazy and bloody infatuation. However, in an interview with Kidult, Mariana Klaveno, who plays Lorena, is quick to note she isn’t anything like the tragic vampire. She’s candid about her character’s obsession, why she’s against chasing a man and some helpful tips for stalkers of the female persuasion.

Though Lorena was killed by Sookie, with the help of Bill, Mariana would still love to do some flashbacks. If the writers want to explore Bill‘s history, they’ll have to include Lorena as she is a very large part of Bill‘s past. Mariana, in portraying her character, made some choices of how Lorena‘s human life played out and would love to have a chance to pursue that.

Lorena is the character fans love to watch; though she is psychotic and manipulative, the crazier she becomes in her quest for Bill‘s love, the more fans adore her. Mariana agreed:

Lorena does monstrous things but her motivation is always love. She’s a tragic character and that’s what I find so endearing about her — what she desperately wants, she’ll never get.”

On her violent sex scene with Bill, Mariana confessed that she did feel uncomfortable, but so did Stephen Moyer. In general, the intimate scenes on True Blood leave one vulnerable, but everyone involved in the show are professional and considerate.

However, having her head twisted 180 degrees isn’t the only thing Lorena had to endure at the hands of Bill. She’s also been set on fire, punched in the face, and hit over the head with a plasma TV. To this Mariana explained:

“The thing that I had to keep reminding myself was that Lorena is far stronger than Bill. So anything that he’s doing to her — she’s allowing. When he’s twisting her head around — she could, at any moment, throw him across the room, but she doesn’t. There’s also a scene where we’d just come back from killing a stripper and I’m following him into his room and he slams the door right in my face — I looked at the writer and the director and I said, ‘I could just rip the door off the hinges and walk right in… there’s nothing stopping me.’  So we decided that when he punches me in the face, I would smile because the thing with their relationship is that whenever Bill gets into his darker, violent side, Lorena feels like she’s winning.”

If Bill doesn’t want her, why does Lorena keep going to him? For Mariana, Lorena has spent a long time searching for a companion. Bill, unlike her previous lovers, deemed himself as a honorable and good man. She can’t give him up because she chose to him to be with her forever and in her eyes, he refused to hold to this agreement between the two of them. Mariana made a decision that Lorena had been denied love in her human life and she searching for that loving relationship in her vampire life.

However, Mariana doesn’t follow in Lorena‘s footsteps. When someone has broken things off with Mariana she opted to let it be, rather than become the psychotic girlfriend. Mariana does have advice for girls trying to hold on to a men who don’t want to be with them: avoid breaking any laws.

Though Mariana thought everything was fair in love and war on True Blood, in the end, Mariana gave the key to a good relationship in real life: mutual respect, trust and honesty. Perhaps, had Lorena followed these three ideas, she wouldn’t be a puddle of blood.


(Photo Credit: Matt Sayles, AP & HBO Inc.)


Mariana Klaveno on Adam Carolla’s Podcast Interview

August 12, 2010

True Blood’s Mariana Klaveno, aka Bill‘s maker Lorena,  participated in Adam Carolla‘s podcast – “The Adam Carolla Show” – on Monday, August 9th. While Adam talked mostly about himself, occasionally Mariana got some good words in.

The first question she got was how she handled her parents considering the…uh.. twisted sex scenes from True Blood. Mariana said her parents a good about the whole thing, although filming those scenes were “weird and uncomfortable.” We can only imagine.

They went on to discuss her previous day job – as a hostess at a steakhouse near Glendale, California. Mariana, being wise in the ways of the entertainment industry, kept her hostess job all while filming season 2 of True Blood. But she left before Lorena‘s story arc hit the airwaves, so she avoided any True Blood fandom.

While working at the steakhouse, Mariana got to meet quite a few celebrities. The nicest? Robert Downey Jr., and Jay Leno.

Adam pointed out that Mariana has had roles in other TV shows such as ER and Alias, so she seems familiar. Mariana said she’s had the luck of appearing just as a show was ending or about to be canceled. The Grim Reaper of a TV series. (TV Trivia Moment – Much akin to Ted McGinley, which Adam brought up just as I thought it myself. Ted McGinley is known as the the Patron Saint of Jumping the Shark – his guest role or sudden appearance as a series regular always spelled out doom for that TV series.)

When talking about Mariana‘s “Old Hollywood” look, they all agreed she’s be a beautiful fit for AMC’s Mad Men since she’s kind of dead now on True Blood. Not to worry, though. She reminded everyone that True Blood utilizes the flashback quite often so while she may be dead, she’s not really gone.

Mariana stuck around for the rest of the podcast, chiming in on various news stories, etc. Be sure to check out the entire interview on


(Photo credit:  HBO Inc.)


Mariana Klaveno On Her Favorite True Blood Character and Her Role as Lorena

August 9, 2010

On last week’s episode of True Blood, Bill’s maker Lorena was staked by Sookie, putting an end to one of the more enjoyable villains on the show.  Lorena did not have an easy go of it.  She was smacked over the head with a big screen television last year, set on fire, involved on one of the most infamous sex scenes on television, and finally staked, but Mariana‘s portrayal of Lorena made it so enjoyable to watch!  Mariana sat down with TV Fanatic to talk about her role on True Blood, her favorite character and her most challenging episode.

In the interview, Mariana reveals that fans are in for an exciting season. She says that the writers really pushed the envelope and that the stakes have been raised.  For her personally, she had the most fun filming this season because her storyline was more exciting and she had the chance to get to know the cast better.  Mariana says that her favorite character is Pam played by Kristin Bauer:

Kristin and I have become good friends off of set, but even if we weren’t, I think she’s so phenomenal in that part and it’s so well written.”

Obviously Lorena had her evil side but there were some redeemable things about her.  When asked about the similarities and differences between Mariana and Lorena, she replied:

“I’d like to think some of my dry humor came out through Lorena and I’m definitely not as stylish as she is, I wish I was.  Obviously I’m not as evil as she is and if somebody doesn’t like me I don’t become a psychotic girlfriend [laughs].  But there are parts of her rage and her passion and her love, that, absolutely are within me.”

It’s not surprising that Mariana says that the hardest scene to film was the neck twisting sex scene.  She says that the scene had to be filmed from so many different angles and different variations on the shot in order to get it just right.

As happy as fans may be to see the end of Lorena we can all agree that we will miss Mariana.  She made the bad girl so enjoyable to watch!


(Photo Credit: HBO Inc.)


True Blood Fashion

August 4, 2010

What do Neiman Marcus and Goodwill have in common? They’re what costume designer Audrey Fisher looks to when dressing True Blood’s cast. Vamps, weres, and Sookie (whatever she is) all have a very specific style, but they all need one thing to complete their outfits: footwear.

Audrey hunts for the perfect footwear to compliment the outfit, especially when it comes to the vampire ladies of the show. Both the Queen and Pam have impeccable taste when it comes to what goes on their feet. Audrey admits:

“I became so obsessed with getting Pam the perfect hot shoe for her [ladylike] and vampy costumes that they started putting her fabulous footwear into the script, and her shoes started getting cameos.”

Neiman Marcus and Goodwill are not the only places Audrey hunts for her extraordinary fashion vision; she also looks to Giuseppe Zanotti, Aldo, Bebe, Steve Madden, Pour La Victoire, Jeffrey Campbell, John Varvatos, and Target.

For Audrey, vampire Queen Sophie-Anne takes the best dressed list on the show. Her 1940 dominatrix style is unique and calls for sky high heels, which Evan Rachel Wood (who plays the Queen) happily wears. Last season while wearing a white Norma Kamali swimsuit,  the Queen sported an elegant pair of DSquared heels. This season Audrey put the Queen in even higher Bebe wooden platforms.

Thing is, the vampires on True Blood aren’t very neat and tidy. They tend to get blood everywhere. Keeping this in mind, Audrey has to make sure she can snag multiples of the shoes she picks out, so they have back ups ready. She also has to make sure to add rubber to the bottom of every shoe so the actors have good traction on such bloody sets.

The most memorable footwear style for Audrey has to go to Lorena last season. Audrey notes,

“An incredible pair of Giuseppe Zanotti bejeweled mules with a sexy, skinny wooden stacked heel. Lorena (Mariana Klaveno) wore [those] last season [when] she stomped on vampire Bill. Her wooden heel was like a mini-stake! That was really the only time I could buy such an expensive shoe, but it was a shoe and a weapon, so I had two budgets working in my favor.”

Shoes can make or break an outfit. Thank goodness that Audrey works hard to make sure that everyone on True Blood can look stylish while staking vampires, selling V, or chasing weres.


(Photo Credit: HBO Inc.)


Mystery Reporter – Bill and Lorena – Love At First Bite?

August 3, 2010

As the editor of the Bon Temps Tattler I’m so excited to bring this tasty morsel to the readers of  An exclusive interview with the most controversial vampire “couple”, Bill Compton and Lorena Krasiki.    The source of this interview is…a mystery!

Dateline: Unknown

Checking my appearance one last time in the mirror and very pleased with my choice of wardrobe for this once in a lifetime opportunity, I await the arrival of the gruesome twosome.  A single knock at the door announced their arrival.

MR:  Mr. Compton, Lorena…thank you for joining me.  It’s so nice that you two could make it this evening for this exclusive interview.  It’s not often that I have had the pleasure to interview such a handsome couple, either living or dead.  May I ask why you decided to give me such a delightful honor?

BILL: You’re very welcome, Miss….uh, I’m sorry but I do not know your name.  I would hardly call us a couple, far from it, as far as I am concerned.  Lorena is my Maker.  That is the only connection I have to her.  As for why we chose The Bon Temps Tattler and yourself, that will have to remain Lorena and my little secret, but you will be sure to see to it that Truebloodnet receives it’s copy  of the Tattler?…It is my understanding that I have many admirers there [Flashes a charming smile, noticing her Sparkly “TEAM BILL” baby tee] And by the way, I do not sparkle in the sunlight.

LORENA: We are glad to make your acquaintance.  We are far from a first name basis, Darlin’, so you can call me Ms. Krasiki. I have waited a long time for this. William and I have not been around one another for 75 years. I am so glad to be here sitting with William once again. You ARE a lucky one, Darlin’, and by the looks of you, so delicious.

MR: Mr. Compton, I assure you, the pleasure is all mine, and yes, you have many who admire you here in Bon Temps, and I am on the top of that list. [looks Bill up and down as she hikes up her mini skirt, showing her inner thigh, then turns to Lorena with a smile]  As for you….Ms. Krasiki, I really must ask you, why Mr. Compton?  You could have had any man as your eternal child.  Why Mr. Compton, why Bill?  I have to admit he’s easy on the eyes but there must be something more to it than that?

LORENA: [looks over at William] “William, the human’s name isn’t important. [Sneers and turns back to the interviewer] The same reason you look at him with those eyes.  William was noble and a good southern gentleman. You could say he is one of a kind.  William was quite different from the others and when he came into my home, I knew right then and there I was going to make him mine.  There were few gentleman like my William.  His hunger was not what the other men came looking for…his hunger was for food.  Sooner or later William will realize that we belong together. [Glancing over at him then back to the interviewer]

BILL: I came to your doorstep out of desperation, Lorena.  It was the end of the end of the War.  I was cold and starving, not having eaten for days. When you took me in, I was grateful but I needed to return to my home to care for my family.  You took that all way for your own selfish reasons.  Had you really believed in my nobility, you would have let me go.

LORENA: I thought we put that all behind us William.  Your loyalty a century ago was to a wife and your children Now you try to be loyal to a ridiculous waitress and we both know that hasn’t been entirely true.  When you came in to my home, I fed you and saw something in you like no other.  I wanted you and to be mine and I was going to see what you really are.  You just never embraced our true nature.  I always told you that there’s our world and there is theirs.  You just keep clinging to humanity. One day you will see that the human world is no longer available to you.  I’ve always told you that.

BILL: As you can tell, Lorena and I do not see things eye to eye.  This argument has been going on for decades.  We continue to gnaw at it like a dog with his favorite bone.

MR: What a truly interesting beginning this is to a most controversial relationship.   Which brings me to my next question…We have yet to hear much about your children Mr. Compton.  I hear they passed.  Why was it you did not turn them to save them?  Why didn’t you turn your wife?

BILL: I did return to Bon Temps briefly a few years after I was turned against Lorena’s wishes.  Upon my arrival, I heard there was an epidemic of Small Pox that ravaged through Louisiana and had taken my youngest son. [Pauses briefly and dabs his eyes with a handkerchief]  I only meant to anonymously check in on my family to make sure that their welfare was secure, then I was discovered by my wife Caroline in her hour of mourning.  She told me that our daughter and eldest son were sent away to escape the sickness.  It was my understanding that they both survived and lived on to carry the Compton legacy.  It was never a possibility in my mind that I would ever have allowed them to suffer with the eternal darkness that I have endured for the past 174 years.

MR: [Sets a box of tissues on the table for Bill] No wonder you wanted to get away from her…you poor man.  She took everything away from you…..

BILL:  I am fine, thank you.  It is just difficult for me to talk about my family.

LORENA: I would watch what you say if I were you little girl.  I haven’t fed….yet [hisses]

MR: Mr. Compton, How has your decision to mainstream affected your relationship with Lorena?

BILL: My decision to mainstream came well after I severed ties with Lorena.  When the Great Revelation came to pass, I embraced my opportunity to come out of the shadows and live openly and freely as a vampire among humans.

LORENA: William, I don’t understand why you have to adapt to live among these humans.  You never adapted to your true nature. That sorry excuse for bottled blood that they are pedaling to us is vile and disgusting. How can you even drink that?  It doesn’t even taste like the real thing.

BILL: I would never expect you to understand, Lorena, but this is the new wave of the future for vampires if we want to continue to exist openly and publicly.  All you do is take, take, take…you are the one that is going to need to learn to adapt.

MR: What drove you to sever your ties from your maker?

BILL: As with any Vampire Maker/ Progeny relationship, like with a parent and child, the child must leave the nest eventually and go out on their own.  With Lorena, this was a difficult feat because she had a very strong hold on me.  I grew weary of the life we were leading, and to be blunt, of her.  [Looks to Lorena]  I just couldn’t be what you wanted of me.

LORENA: I made you and you are MINE. I will always be your maker no matter how hard you try to defy me.

MR: What affect has the telepathic waitress, Sookie Stackhouse, had on your relationship?  Do you find her to be a threat?

LORENA: A threat? [Laughs] To me?  Oh please!  I couldn’t be more insulted. She is a pathetic bag of flesh and I could just squash her like a bug, and I will, once I get my hands on her.  Besides, I don’t know what anyone sees in her anyway.  And what makes her so special?  If it weren’t for everyone trying to protect her she’d be six feet under and actually being of some use… as worm food.

BILL: [Growls and extends fangs]  If you harm one single hair on Sookie, Lorena, I will kill you myself.  That I can promise you!

LORENA: Oh William, you’re so sexy when your angry like that!  Your animalistic temper just makes me want you even more. [Fangs extend from arousal]

MR: Come on now, let’s get back to what we’re doing here I don’t any blood shed on my pretty baby tee [turns to Lorena with a smile] But you are right, he really is sexy when he’s angry.   And seeing how you two are acting towards each other here today, it makes me wonder Mr. Compton, Was there any time you ever did feel love for Lorena?

BILL: I wouldn’t call my feelings for Lorena as love.  I could never truly love someone as cold-hearted as her.  I have felt compassion and a degree of loyalty in the past, but that is not exactly a feeling as it is more of an instinct that is born within a vampire as one reveres their maker.

LORENA: You did love me once, William, I bet my life on it. [Touches her necklace] You made love to me and embraced those feelings once.  You will learn to love me again. No matter how much you try to push me away, I will always love you. William, you are mine.

MR: Ms. Krasiki, Why were the 20’s and 30’s your most favorite decades?

LORENA: Those were such times to remember…The beauty of being glamorous…The blood was flowing as much as jazz and booze were.  It was exciting going around and feeding on such tasty elegance. The hunt was much more exciting back then, when humans were oblivious to our true existence.  We were able to mingle freely; it was as if we were hiding in plain sight among them.  The fact that we were vampires was still hidden, as it still should be.  We were made to dominate humans and it was so much easier then because of their ignorance.

MR: Mr. Compton, Have you ever had any thoughts of turning Sookie?  And if so Ms. Krasiki, would you be willing to share him with her for eternity?

BILL: Absolutely not. The thought never crossed my mind until the King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, asked me this question as well.  Sookie deserves to live a long, full life and I would not want to be the one who takes that from her, as I have had mine ripped out from me.  I could never bring myself to do that to another unless the duty was forced upon me, which it has.

LORENA: Share? [Laughs] What’s that common phrase? Oh yes, I skipped that day in Kindergarten.  Anyways, William wouldn’t turn his precious human.  He wouldn’t have it in him to turn any human much-less his precious little pet.  He didn’t do that when he was faced with the opportunity to do it with his beloved Caroline.

MR: Which brings me to my next question, we were informed you do have a child Mr. ComptonJessica. Where is your child Jessica in all this?  We have heard from our sources that you have left her alone to fend for her self…is any of this true?

BILL: It’s not like I left on my own accord.  I was taken by those filthy… [Shakes his head]  Jessica is a smart girl.  She can take care of herself and she knows where to buy Tru-Blood when she gets hungry.

LORENA: So the rumors are true! I am a Grandpire??  Oh, William! You’ve made me so proud. I seriously didn’t think you had it in you. I would love to meet this Jessica!  Oh the things I can teach her….

BILL: [Interrupts] Yes, I have a ward and you will have no part in the rearing of her, Lorena. I will make sure of that.

MR: Mr. Compton, what are your thoughts on The Sheriff of Area 5’s intentions for Sookie?  We hear that he has assigned her protection.

BILL: Eric’s intentions for Sookie are only for his own personal gain, nothing more.  Sookie would never willingly submit to his desires.  I do have faith in that, but I do not trust him.  If he has assigned her protection, I am grateful, though I know it was not as a favor to me.

LORENA: William, just let him have her.  I don’t know why you fret over her so much.  She is beneath you William.

BILL: NEVER!  Sookie is MINE!

LORENA: [Spoken in a whisper] Not for long…

MR: Which brings me to my next question:  How do you like the fact Sookie has been seen in the company of Alcide Herveaux.  The two do seem to be getting quite close….and he is quite the yummy one.

BILL: [Sneers] Yes, I am well aware that he is the one assigned to protect Sookie, though it doesn’t please me that Eric made that choice.  Considering the current, uh, situation, I suppose it will have to do and he can keep her safe during the day.

LORENA: [Laughs] William are you getting jealous? Now you know how it feels to see the one you love in the arms of another, don’t you?

BILL: [Hisses]  Sookie is not in the arms of another and if I ever find out that he has put his filthy paws on her, it will be a good day for a dog such as he to be put down.

MR: There is rumor of Sookie having powers other than her mind reading abilities.  Do you have any idea what she is???

BILL: I have no comment on this matter.

LORENA: I’m curious to know what she is myself.

MR: Oh come on Bill, you must have some idea…

BILL: [Glares] I said no comment.

LORENA: Keep it at Mr. Compton darlin’ or you may just end up being tonight’s first course.

MR: What is your thought on the selling of V and those who partake of such pleasures?

BILL: Having been abducted by “drainers” myself, I find it absolutely appalling.

LORENA: Our blood is sacred.  It shouldn’t be squandered among the parasites.  It is an abomination and those who partake in this should be severely punished for their crimes.

MR: And my final question, Ms. Krasiki, If you were to achieve the final death tomorrow, is there anything you would have liked to have done with your life?  Anything you would have done differently?  Any regrets?

LORENA: The only regret I have is letting William go the first time. I know he would have eventually embraced our true nature.  Had things gone differently, by now we could have been the King and Queen of Illinois and spent our eternity together, as it should have always been.

MR: It seems our time is almost up.  I would like to thank you for letting us interview you both.  [Leans into Bill handing him her card] And if you ever, ever need me for anything Bill, anything at all, or if things don’t work out with you and Sookie, give me a call.

LORENA: That’s it…I warned you! It’s Mr. Compton.  I have had just about enough with the likes of you.  William, what do you say we have one for the road.  Bon appetit…

[fades to black]

[ The tapes of this interview were sent to us by an anonymous source, wrapped in a sparkling Team Bill baby tee shirt.  The whereabouts of the interviewer are still unknown.  Bill and Lorena cannot be reached for comment]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Bill Compton written by B. Kent

Lorena Krasiki written by Edna Cantu
Photo Credit:  HBO and Screen Caps by James Chin

Header Credit: K. Rose


True Blood Season 3: Postmortem Video on Bill and Lorena

August 2, 2010

In HBO‘s latest postmortem video we see the beginning of Bill and Lorena‘s relationship and how through the passage of time it changed from the passion in the 1930’s to hatred in the following years.

Ep. 31: Postmortem – An Undying Love

True Blood 3.06 “I Got a Right to Sing the Blues” Review

July 27, 2010

When you see the words “Written by Alan Ball” in the credits, it’s an immediate indication that the episode of True Blood you are about to watch will be bloody, sexy, scary, emotional–everything we love about the show. There are times you may cringe and want to look away (Tara…biting…gross), but it’s just too captivating NOT to watch.

So, to begin with, Russell drags Sookie and Bill back to his mansion, delighted by his discovery of her shocking gift. Bill‘s charade is up. He couldn’t shield her from Russell‘s greedy, power-hungry clutches, so he makes a futile attempt to escape, staking his guard and then leaping onto the King‘s shoulders to drive the stake down into his chest. With a mere shrug, Russell launches Bill up to crash into the ceiling (much to Talbot’s great dismay). Bill can only hope that Eric will help save Sookie, but Eric is too close to the vengeance he has sought for 1,000 years to let anything stand in his way.

Russell orders Bill to be taken to the slave quarters, where Lorena is commanded to kill him. Eric escorts Sookie to the study to wait for the King. She pleads with him, yells at him–anything to try to understand why he’s acting like Russell‘s lap dog and allowing Bill to be carried off to his death. “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but shut up.” When she doesn’t, he silences her with his hand over her mouth, “Thank you.”

She continues her questions while he paces, trying to think about how to handle the problems he’s facing. Sookie recalls what he said to her back in Bon Temps on her porch (another amusing impression from Anna Paquin), but Eric blows up at her: “You mean nothing to me! Nothing!” Russell enters the room and Eric puts on a huge, fake smile for him before leaving them alone to talk.

Meanwhile, at Merlotte’s, Arlene and Jessica have to deal with a very rude customer, even though they’re closed and everyone is gone for the night. Arlene accidentally cuts herself, and the scent of blood makes Jessica‘s fangs pop out because she’s so hungry. Jessica (who now knows that Arlene is pregnant) feels guilty that she is having such a bad night. She goes over to glamour the woman: “You’re not hungry anymore. Now I want you to take all the money you have and leave it on the table. Then head to the ladies’. Alright?” It might seem weird to be proud of Jessica for handling the situation like a grown-up (vampire), but she satisfies her hunger, on a woman who deserves it, doesn’t kill her, properly glamours her into forgetting, while managing to do something nice for Arlene!

Lafayette and Jesus continued the date they began last week, talking about their lives. Lafayette explains how he has tried to leave Bon Temps but keeps coming back. Jesus moved around a lot growing up. He doesn’t know who his father was because his mom was raped. When he sees that this beautiful guy has had a hard life, too, Lafayette finds himself relating to Jesus more than he expected, and they share a steamy kiss in the car.

Their attraction is undeniable, but a couple of barriers stood in the way of them getting together. For one thing, Lafayette is slow to trust–he’s used the phrase “Satan in a Sunday hat” on more than one occasion (even though, as Jesus pointed out, his name is the polar opposite). His trust issues are understandable–I have to imagine that someone who has left Bon Temps many times in his life but always returned found that the difficulties and persecution he faced in the outside world were harder to deal with than what he suffers from the country folks back home–that expression “the devil you know” comes to mind.

But he seemed ready and willing to test the water with Jesus, until those drug dealers from Hot Shot showed up at his house and started smashing up his car outside. He and Jesus beat them off, but Lafayette didn’t want to stop pounding one of them in the face. Jesus had to hold him back, and he was very disappointed to learn that Lafayette dealt drugs and V, bringing their night to an early end.

Jason and Crystal are kissing by the lake, whispering sweet nothings. When she rolls over on top of him, he laughs, “Don’t hurt me! Or do, I don’t care.” She jumps to the conclusion that he thinks she’s into perverted stuff and demands to know what he meant. “I meant, um…don’t break my heart.” (Candidate for Best Jason Moment Ever) Crystal softens up and starts crying that what they’re doing is wrong. She hears something in the woods, though, and runs off saying it’s too dangerous for them to be together. Between Jason‘s comment about how warm she is and the way she sniffed the air, it seems pretty evident that Crystal is a shifter of some sort.

In Russell‘s conversation with Sookie, they take turns asking each other questions. Sookie begs him to stop Lorena from killing Bill, but Russell wonders why she still wants him. He shows her the dossier Bill kept on her family, but she barely even has time to process it. When it becomes clear that Sookie doesn’t understand her powers or her value to vampires like himself and the Queen, he asks condescendingly, “Oh, sweetheart, you really don’t know anything at all, do you?”

The scenes in which Lorena tortures Bill, while tough to watch, are Mariana Klaveno‘s best work on the series. She deals with her suffering (over her inability to make Bill love her, and the fact that she will lose him forever when he’s dead) in the sadistic way that she cuts him with silver and inflicts as much pain on him as possible. Not to mention cutting herself and mixing her blood in his cuts so that she will be inside him in the end. Bill looks up at her with pity in his eyes, “I wish I had known you before you were Made, before you turned hard. I would liked to have seen you smile with light in your eyes, instead of darkness. That would’ve been something.”

What has gotten into Tara?! She stops letting herself being a victim and takes charge of the situation with Franklin in an intense way. She convinces him that she truly wants to be with him so that he’ll untie her. Then she says she wants to drink his blood and get high on it while making love to him as her last human act before “giving myself to you, then Death.” “Kinky,” he says, but he’s totally into it. She steels herself up and then rips open his neck. Afterwards, Tara lies in Franklin‘s arms, with blood all over her white gown. She sends a mental message to Sookie, who is locked in another guest room, to expect her when the sun comes up: Be ready. We’re gonna need all the luck in the world, but I’m gonna get us out of here. I am not giving up with out a fight.

Talbot and Eric are flirting and playing cards when the King comes in and asks Eric to accompany him on an errand. That seems to be the last straw with Talbot: “You never take me anywhere! You prefer to be in the company of sycophants. Deep down, my darling, you’re a very wicked character.” He walks off muttering to himself in Greek. Eric turns on the charm with Russell as well when they take a ride over to visit Sophie-Anne.

Eric admits to killing the werewolf that attacked him at Sookie‘s house, not out of love for her but to protect himself and because he despises those creatures. Russell gives him a glimpse into his ultimate dream: “If all the supernaturals would stop squabbling among themselves and unite, we could conquer humans in a matter of days.” He believes that mankind is heading “towards oblivion,” destroying themselves and the planet. Vampires are the master race, and everything he has done and planned has been to making that a reality on earth.

Russell finds the Queen on the ground by her pool, scratching lottery tickets and rejoicing over winning $100. He presents her with a rose and gets down on one knee. She has rejected his proposal over and over again, but now he knows that she has been selling V because she owes money. He promises to settle her debts, and when she still doesn’t accept, Eric rushes in and pins her to the ground. Her fangs pop out threateningly, but he just laughs: “I’m older and stronger than you. I’ve only submitted to you in the past because of respect. But you framed me, so I renounce any and all allegiance to you. I am his now. I will rip your head off and throw it in the pool, and I will have fun doing it.”

Sophie-Anne fumes in anger, but Russell knows that he has won. Now he will help Eric with the Magister. No Pam for the past two weeks now, as she is being held prisoner at Fangtasia. In show time, it’s only been two days, but I still can’t help missing Kristin Bauer van Straten‘s great presence and Pam’s sarcastic wit.

Next we see Lorena and Bill, she is licking his blood off a knife as bloody tears pour down her face, waiting for him to die. “What will you do then?” he asks. “Find another man that you deem honorable, so that you can turn him into a violent, hateful thing like yourself, destroying whatever it was that you loved about him to begin with.” She wants him to admit that he enjoyed all the time they spent together in the beginning, killing and making love.

We get a revealing moment about her when Bill brings up her Maker and the horrible things Lorena did for him: “He made you his mirror, just as you’ve tried to make me yours. He is the reason that a girl who once marveled in the beauty of all life, now delights in bringing pain and horror to every moment.” For a moment, it seems as though Lorena will be too upset to actually go through with killing him, but when Debbie and Coot stumble in for a taste of Bill‘s blood, she leaves them to finish him off.

Melinda comes to Sam’s to speak with Tommy. She tells him that he has to go back out on “the circuit” because she’s too old and hurt now. He can’t escape their life just because Sam seems willing to help him in the short-term. She convinces Tommy that she and Joe Lee are all he has, that Sam isn’t really family, and he leaves with her. Sam has no idea where he went, until Arlene mentions the Mickens loading a pit bull into the back of their van. Then he approaches Andy to start asking questions about local dog fighting.

Jason gets dressed up in his letterman jacket from high school football (awww, Crystal makes him feel like a schoolboy) and takes flowers to her house in Hot Shot. She pretends not to know him because her fiance (the same idiot Lafayette beat up the night before) answers the door. She calls him a dumbass and kicks him out, and Jason‘s temporary happiness (the first he’s had since what happened with Eggs) is over too soon.

In the morning, Tara crawls out of bed, grabs a mace from the wall, and smashes Franklin‘s head in. (She is a fearsome thing to behold, covered in blood!) She changes clothes and pretends to be bringing food to Sookie so that the werewolf guard will let her in: “If she ain’t eating almonds, Talbot ain’t gonna be happy, and if Talbot ain’t happy, Russell ain’t happy, and if Russell ain’t happy, you dog boys ain’t gonna be getting any vampire blood. Now open up the damn door!” Together the two girls knock him out and make a run for it. Tara goes to look for a car, while Sookie insists on finding Bill in case he’s still alive. Tara thinks she’s an idiot because of all the things Bill has done, but Sookie refuses to leave without him.

Tara is running across the yard when a white wolf chases her down, but when he shifts, it’s Alcide (naked!) who has come to help. Sookie is over at the slave quarters waiting for a high Debbie and Coot to leave. When she gets inside, Bill is drained to the very edge of death. Crying, she shakes him, and then he whispers her name. “I’m gonna get you out of here. I’m gonna make you well if it’s the last thing I do! Because I love you, Bill Compton, I’m not about to let you go.” Lorena interrupts, no longer sad but fiery mad, saying this is all Sookie‘s fault and pinning her to wall and biting into her. The end!

“I Got a Right to Sing the Blues” was shocking, to be sure, but it has also set up the action for what’s going to happen in the second half of the season. What did everybody else think about this episode, and what were your favorite quotes?

(Photo credit: HBO Inc.)


VIDEO: Mariana Klaveno Shares Thoughts on Lorena

July 25, 2010

ABC News recently interviewed  Mariana Klaveno regarding her role as Lorena on Alan Ball‘s hit HBO TV vampire series True Blood.  During the interview Mariana discussed the infamous twisted sex scene she shared with Stephen Moyer (Bill Compton) and how she held on to her regular job as  hostess at a restaurant throughout season two. Mariana is really a very sweet and wonderful person and her ability to make us hate Lorena is a prime example of her incredible acting abilities. Enjoy the video!



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