A Bon Temps Cold Front

January 3, 2011


What up tricks? Ya boy, Lafayette, just had to tell ya about something real crazy Jason done now. I was closing up Merlotte’s last night, right? I’m in the freezer putting up some meat I had just got through marinating when all of a sudden, he come running up in dere talkin’ bout how fine dis chic outside is. You probably thinking what’s unusual with dat – we all know Jason girl crazy.

But what came next was nothing but crazy – crazier than Andy when he gets in da sauce. I had dat door propped open wit a couple of cases of tomatoes. Next thing I know, Jason talkin’ bout how dis woman fine and she a public school teacher and all kinds of other crazy stuff. Here’s how our conversation went:

Me: Nah, Jason – what you gonna do wit a public school teacher? She obviously got a education and probably want a man that got one too. You ain’t event decide yet whether you gonna go to college or not.

Jason: She’s cute, Lafayette. I went up to the bar to another beer and she was giving me the eye from afar.

Me: More like, she probably had something in her eye. What she want wit a fool like you, Jason? For real.

Jason: Well, I bet you 5 bucks she gonna go out wit me when I ask her.

Me: She gonna ask have you lost yo mind, Jason. She probably know all about you takin’ care of dat girl’s family in Hotshot. You know it don’t take long here for da gossip to make its rounds.

Jason: Oh yeah, Lafayette? Well you just wait and see. She’ll go out with me if I ask her. She won’t be able to resist that Stackhouse charm.

Me: Stackhouse charm? Shoot, I bet if you brought Sookie round here, she could listen in on dat teacher’s thoughts and she could tell you what kind of dang fool she think you are.

Jason: Oh, whatever Lafayette. Watch Jason in action. I’m bout to go out here and ask her on a date.

Me: Whatever you do, don’t shut dat door, Jason. I won’t be able to get outta here.

Jason: Like I’d do dat Lafayette.

Me: You best not do it. I don’t want to have to hurt you up in here. It’s as cold as a mug up in here and youse know ya boy don’t do cold.

And dat’s when da craziness started. Jason walked out da freezer and saw dat teacher coming toward him. He ran back into da freezer after pushing away da tomatoes and he shut dat dang door!

Me: What da hell, Jason? What da hell?

Jason: I panicked, Lafayette. I saw that beautiful woman coming toward me and I panicked. I wasn’t ready to ask her out. I was just going to admire her from afar and then maybe later on, I’d buy her a drink or something. Man, I was just playing – I wasn’t really gonna ask her out, but I wasn’t expecting to see her coming to talk to me, either.

Me: You fool. She was going to the ladies room. You know it’s right outside here.

Jason: Nah, I think she was checking me out. She probably wanted to make sure she got a chance to talk to me before Merlotte’s closed.

That’s when I walked over to the door and pulled on it and it was locked – from the outside. Now here we are in a 30 degree freezer and no way to get out. I started yelling and screaming and beating on the door, but no one heard me. Of all times to leave my cell phone in da kitchen!

Me: Gimme ya cell phone fool!

Jason: I left it on the bar, I think. *Jason digs around in his pockets, but comes up wit nothing*

Me: Are you kidding me? Ya fool! You really are a fool! I told ya not to close dat door, didn’t I? What we gone do now? We gone freeze up in here!

Jason: We gonna be OK. We gonna just yell and somebody will hear us.

30 minutes later, here we are literally freezing to death and ain’t nobody heard us and ain’t nobody helping us.

Me: Thanks a lot ya idiot. We gonna die up in her. Sam ain’t posed to be back until 7 in da morning and we trapped here now – it ain’t nothing but about 2 in da morning. We got another 5 hours in here.

*30 minutes later Jason gets a brilliant idea*

Jason: Lafayette, Grams used to always tell us if we ever got stranded in a car in a snowstorm, that you should take off all your clothes and snuggle up with whoever’s with you. She said that the body heat would keep you from freezing to death.

Lafayette: Why in da hell would Grams tell you dat? You live in Louisiana, fool. You probably never even seen snow, much less would ya ever get caught in a snowstorm.

Jason: Well, it’s worth a try. We gonna freeze to death in here for sure.

I (reluctantly) agreed and what followed was about da craziest damned thang that’s ever happened. Jason and I took off our clothes and tried to warm up. Next thang I know, we done fallen asleep on da floor of da freezer. I look up right, and what do I see? A pair of red stilletos and some skinny jeans. I jumped so hard I threw Jason off me. It was da sexy teacher he got a crush on. She said she got half way home when she realized dat she left her purse on da bar. When she came back in, everybody was gone, but nothin’ was locked up. She thought dat was strange and den she saw Jason cell phone on da bar. Since dey been having some strange occurrences in Bon Temps, she decided to check and make sure everybody was OK.

She opened da freezer and there we were, naked as da day we came into dis world! By now, Jason was awake and was trying to explain. Heehee, you shoulda heard dis mess dat was comin outta his mouth. He’d a done better to just let her think we were snuggling for real.

*Shakes head* Dat Jason, I tell ya. He can get himself in more than a little bit of trouble!



Disclaimer: “A Bon Temps Cold Front” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO

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Ask Dr. L — Tis the Season

December 20, 2010

For a small fortune (and the promise of a steady supply of medicinal quality V) TrueBloodNet.com has gotten Dr. L to agree to answer your supernatural medical questions. Ask Dr. L is written by Dr. L (any resemblance to any characters living, dead or undead is purely coincidental), also known as Doctor to the Supernaturals, and was founded by her mother, Philine Paullips. It is the most popular and widely syndicated supernatural medical advice column in this world — or any other. Known for its uncommon nonsense and immortal, or just darn old, perspective.

December 20, 2010

Dear Dr. L,
My dear husband and I are normal, elderly folks. We don’t smoke, drink (well … maybe a little now and then) or smoke wackyweed. We are law abiding, upstanding citizens.
Unfortunately, about 3 years ago we happened to have HBO and saw a show on a Sunday night that we thought we might like. As a matter of fact, we REALLY like the show. I mean, We REALLY really like the show!
The show is named True Blood. Have you ever heard of it? It has a pretty little telepath, a couple or 3 knockout vampires, some hot werewolves and awesome shapeshifters.
Now our problem is this. The show only lasts about 4 months at the time. And … we have become … adicted. Adicted to the show and the cast and the writers and the crew and the websites and the – well you get the picture.
PLEASE! Dr. L. Can you help us?
Yours truly,
Grannie for 7

Dear G7,
(sounds rather like a disease…or one of those useless political summits),
I lead a very full, busy life, and have very little time for frivolous things like TV shows- and little patience for those who become addicted to them. BUT, in this case, you may not realize that our little town, Bon Temps, is not just a work of fiction. Having treated Miss Sookie Stackhouse myself, I can tell you she is very real, as is her vampire boyfriend and that awful sheriff vampire, Eric. (One of these days, he and I will have a showdown…).
Anyhow, I hear often that people are in despair that the show revolving around our town is only on four months. Please, think of those of us being followed by those TV people, cameras, etc. We need a break, my friend!
As for your addiction, I do treat people in my office who are addicted to those slimy vampires. So please, call my office and set up an appointment. I take cash, check and most major credit cards. I’ll have you and Gramps vampire free in, oh about 15 or 20 visits. (ka ching…)

Hi Dr. L,
I’m currently dating a vampire, who has promised me he would stick “true” to only drinking “True Blood.” He knows that I’m very finicky when it comes to my own blood and he has pledged to never drink my blood without my permission. I also am a very pure girl who wants to wait until the perfect moment before…giving…myself to him. Therefore, ruling those two things out, and given the time of year….do you have any thoughts on what I can get my vampire-beaux for Christmas? I don’t really know what else they need or want…

-Secret Santa

Dear Secret,
Reading your letter makes me realize people must really fall off of turnip trucks. Either that, or there is an outbreak of stupid going around. Methinks it might be the latter…
First of all, who believes any promises from lying vampires? To believe he will stick to True Blood, well, that’s like asking pigs to stay out of mud. Ain’t gonna happen. Not to ruin your fantasy, or anything,Pollyanna, but there are plenty of Fangbangers out there ready and willing to stick their necks out (among other things) to quench your vampire boy’s lust.
So, my True advice for you is, give him a nice silver neck chain for Christmas…

Greetings Dr. L,
I’m a HR rep for my corporation. One of our crews has a night shift, and since we are an Equal Opportunity Employer, we hired a vampire who seems more than qualified to complete the job set required of him. However, he has recently inquired about health benefits and I was unsure of how to respond, considering that they are technically dead. I was wondering if perhaps you knew of any other organizations that have run into this problem and if there is any sort of literature on the subject.
Thank you!

HR Holly

Dear HRH,
This is an excellent question, and I am glad you brought it to me. Though it does seem highly unlikely a dead creature would need any medical attention, they actually DO now and then. This also applies to the shifters, weres, faeries, and otherworldly beings.
The most important question you need to ask is, WHO will treat these beings in their times of need? Again, I am glad you asked. Well, OK, so I asked, but nevertheless…let me reassure you that I, Dr. Ludwig, am the gold standard in treating any and all of the above mentioned folks, so I would be delighted to be contracted to your company as their healthcare provider. My fees may be just a teeny, tiny bit higher…OK, so they are a LOT higher, but who else is going to risk treating something that could wipe them out with one bite? But I am not afraid of any vampire- or other creature of the night- or day. Call me.

Dr. L — I need your help! I’m a teenager and well…I recently turned into a cat. I mean,obviously I’m back as a human, but I’m really hoping that the explanation was that I’m a shifter. My parents never mentioned anything…so I don’t know. But that’s not the point. I told my boyfriend and he was a little freaked out, but he told me that despite this new development he never wants me to “change.” Well I can’t help but change…it’s what I do!!! Is there anyway I can save my love life?

-Sadface Shifter

Dear Miss Kitty,
First off, I think your boyfriend is lacking in imagination. I know I have dressed up as a cat in my little love play scenarios, and it has been wildly popular. But we won’t go there…
There are some rather intricate, involved treatments one can undergo- at my clinic of course (I take cash, check and major credit cards) to stop or at least lessen the frequency of shifting events. If you are interested, give my office a call.
But personally, I would just go with it. Cats see more action than most humans (well, excluding moi, of course..). Where do you think the term “catting around” came from? And you can easily climb trees, feel the wind in your whiskers as you run free, eat all the sushi you want- I say, have kitty litter will travel!

Hey,
I’m a Werewolf and for obvious reasons I live out in the country to try to stay away from people in case I can’t control my changing. There are a couple of farms out there. There are also some REAL wolves that are attacking live stock and I swear I have nothing to do with it. But the local farmers are ready to beat down my door like I’m Frankenstein’s monster. Any ideas on how I can clear my name?

Weary Were

Dear Weary Were,
I have heard this same story many times. Of course, the wild wolves are only trying to survive. Yet, those farmers, usually rednecks, are ready to shoot the ass off of a poor wolf for trying to feed her family (yes, it is usually the female who does the hunting and feeding- lazy males!). Personally, I wouldn’t mind seeing some of these trigger happy farmers put out into the wild to fend for themselves, naked, no food or water, no guns (except if I had to see them naked, I’d probably wish I’d put Drano in my eyes instead) and let the wolves chase them around for a few days.
But none of this answers your query. I suggest you move on over to my area- like near Bon Temps. The area is thick with your kind- you’ll fit right in.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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Ask Dr. L — Up in Smoke

November 19, 2010

November 19, 2010

Dear Dr. L,

I am the mother of a beautiful, 11-year old daughter who is quite intelligent. She has always been quite interested in current events and loves to watch the news on TV. She likes Matt Lauer in the morning, Diane Sawyer at dinnertime, but she is CRAZY for Anderson Cooper of CNN’s AC360 when she goes to bed. And that is the problem! Ever since that crazy vampire, Russell Edgington ripped the spinal column out of the anchor during that infamous newscast she has had a recurring nightmare. And, there’s the problem because sometimes her dreams come true. It’s like she has a special power. And I’m wondering if you can tell me how I can help her. In her nightmare, a vampire is trying to rip poor Anderson Cooper to shreds while he is standing on a beach in a hurricane during an earthquake while miners are buried deep within the earth and are being attacked by werewolves. By the way, I don’t even think werewolves exist, do you? What do you make of her dream? Do you think she is losing her mind? Should we warn Anderson?

Sincerely,

Mother of a Newsie

Dear Mother,

I can understand your concern. Having a child who is addicted to the news must be a terrible burden to bear. I can’t even turn the crazy stuff on without getting sick to my stomach. Personally, I find FOX news the most horrific of all. I have nightmares myself, of having to say the words, “President Palin”. But then, that wasn’t really your concern, was it?

If you want to believe there are no werewolves and vampires, please go indulge yourself. I won’t try to stop you. Russell Edgington was not real, and he did not do what your daughter thinks she saw (wink, wink). And even if he were real, Anderson Cooper might be a target for him, but not as someone to rip a spinal column out of…do you get my drift, here, Mumsie?

Hope this helps. If not, you may make an appointment and bring your “prophetic” daughter to see me.

Dear Dr. L,

I come from a military family. Generations of my family on both sides have served in the military. My parents have decorated their home in red, white and blue and camouflage. My mother is crazy about all things patriotic. My one and only brother served in the Gulf War and came home suffering from PTSD really bad. For a long time he really didn’t have any good relationships, but in the last few months he met and moved in with a really nice waitress from the bar where he’s a cook. She has a few kids that he’s crazy about, and they’re expecting a baby. My mom wants to give them a shower with a “military” theme. She’d like everyone to bring the baby military type toys (guns, tanks, camo outfits, etc.). She thinks it will be cute and will encourage the baby to follow the in the “family business.” I’ve told her that given my brother’s experience in the war, this is a bad idea but she won’t listen. What can I do?

Sincerely,

Army Brat

Dear Brat,

Let me ask you something- have you ever thought of running away from your crazy mother and family? This sound like a trip. Bringing guns and ammo to a baby shower- unreal.

I do treat people with PTSD. A few of them make it. So if you want to bring your brother in, I take cash, check and major credit cards. I can pretty much assure your nusto mother that a baby shower theme like she is planning may send the SWAT team to the house…

But hey, it sounds like a kick in the pants. If you do it, please invite me!

Dear Dr. L,

I am really in love with my new vampire boyfriend. I mean REALLY in love. How badly will it hurt him if I tie him up with silver chains? I don’t want to lose him.

Sincerely,

The Old Ball and Chain

Dear OBC,

You are new to my column, aren’t you? Otherwise, you would know I don’t give a rat’s patoot how much this might hurt your boyfriend! But hey, if you don’t want to lose him, why not give it a try? I’ll make a free house call- really!-I’ll even bring the popcorn!

Dear Dr. L

I am a new vampire and so is my girlfriend. We have kind of gotten into some rough sex practices. Nothing too serious, and of course, we heal right away. But we were wondering, can we bite each other? We don’t dare ask our makers?

Sincerely,

Vamp on Vamp

Dear Vamps,

As if you and your kind did not already disgust me enough to make me puke, now you ask me about your kinky sex practices! Sheesh!

Go ahead- bite each other. If it causes a problem, call me. I only charge vampires triple my usual fee.

Komon ou ye, Dr. L?

I lives jest outside o’ Bon Temps in a little place I laik to call my gator motel. It ain’t pretty but the roof doan leak.. much! LOL Now heah las’ week I was cleanin out the crawdad trap when dis heah cat da size of a pony comes runnin’ up. I thought I was a seein’ stuff like before when I was in da war back in da sixties. I swear I ain’t teched none o dat whacky tabacki in 40 years, and I haint touched the V since them folks over at Hot Shot been actin out all da times. I knows swamp gaz can sometimes do funny stuff ta ya. It ain’t that I nevah seen a panther down heah. But I nevah seen one dat stopped ta check out ma catch. Dat cat stuck it’s claw down in da bucket I had them ‘dads in and let one grab her claw and then flipped it in the air and et it down whole. I swear, she winked at me then runs off. I knows yer normally doan handle us jes plain vanilla folk but does ya think I be couyon?

Gaitor

What’s up, G?
(I always wanted to say that!)

Well, your query is the most interesting in this batch. First of all, to refer to yourself as “plain vanilla folk” made me roll on the floor and laugh my a$# off! You have not seen this side of normal in many a moon, if ever, my friend!

As for your cat the size of a pony who grabbed your ‘dad and et it down whole- get used to it. Living around Hot Shot you are likely to see almost anything. There are lots of rumors of odd creatures down there that even I haven’t seen. Plus I heard they had a big bust up that way not long ago and burned some serious crops harvests, if you get my drift. And even if you don’t get my drift my guess is you could have gotten the drift from the ‘barn burning’ that went on. Either that cat was real, super real you might say, and you really saw her, or there was a little extra in that swamp gas this week. I have no help for whichever one is true.

Be sure to Submit your questions in the Comments Section below and if you’re unlucky enough Dr. L may choose to answer your question (and send you a bill.. how does she find us? Does she use mail Owls?)!

To view past Dr. L words of wisdom just do a search on Dr. L in the box in the upper left of the page.

Disclaimer: These answers are provided for entertainment purposes only and should not be followed by ordinary humans. This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. Ask Dr. L and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

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Doggonit!

November 11, 2010

Bon Temps Animal Rescue Log Book

Saturday November 6, 2010

Recorded by: Beauregard Johnson, Director of Animal Rescue

Yet again, I am going to have to find myself a new intern. Over the last three months, I have gone through four interns. I never thought working in a quiet town like Bon Temps would be so stressful! If it’s not one thing it’s another, the last one quit while rambling something about a panther. Seriously, a panther in Bon Temps? I swear these kids get crazier and crazier!

Monday night I left my newest intern, Miss Cici Patton, working here as usual. I didn’t expect anything out of the ordinary and figured she could handle whatever happened. Around 1:30 AM someone began pounding on the door saying they were here to turn over the biggest dog they’d ever seen. Apparently, they had chained the dog up when they’d found it sleeping in their yard. Miss Patton let them in and got a glimpse of the dog and according to her own written statement, “It was the biggest maama ja hamma she had ever seen.”

After recording the take in time and where the dog had been found, she loaded him into a kennel and went about the rest of the night’s work. About 45 minutes later she heard a commotion in the front of the building. Sookie Stackhouse was banging on the front door. Cici let her in and reported that Miss Stackhouse seemed frantic as she explained that she was searching for a large dog she’d been watching for a friend. She went on to describe the animal that had just been brought in.

Here is where the story gets really odd. Miss Patton says that she escorted Miss Stackhouse back to the kennel and Cici swears that there was no dog inside. She stated that she would put her hand to the bible and swear that there had been a large naked man inside of the kennel. Of course, it was difficult to get an accurate account of the situation because Miss Patton reports that she had passed out and when she awoke Miss Stackhouse and the naked man had disappeared.  Furthermore, Miss Patton was rambling like a crazy person and promptly told me in no uncertain terms what I could do with the intern position here at the animal shelter, just before slamming out of the building.

I contacted Miss Stackhouse to inquire about the incident. She said that although her friend from Shreveport had already been by to pick up his dog, she would be delighted to bring the dog back in so that I could see for myself that it was indeed real. She apologized if anything might have frightened away my intern, but that in her opinion, nothing out of the ordinary had happened.

I assured her that it would not be necessary to bring the dog in.

Monday, November 8, 2010

Recorded by: Beauregard Johnson, Director of Animal Rescue

A very nice gentleman came by the shelter today and brought a donation check for $5,000. His name was Alcide Herveaux. His donation came with one strange request however, that we build some bigger kennels.


Disclaimer: “Doggonit!” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such is presented here for your amusement. The writers have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Reagan Grimes

Dog Catcher Grahpic Credit: www.columbuser.com

Baby Werewolf Graphic Credit: www.cafepress.com/+cartoon-werewolf+posters

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The Franklin Files — The Dress Shop

November 8, 2010

Lafayette was cooking at the grill in Merlotte’s, singing:

“He blowing me kisses, he blowing me kisses

I’m staring…and reminiscing, thinking, dreaming,

He blowing me kisses, he blowing…”

“God, Lafayette, would you just shut up? You’re scaring away the customers with that shit.” Tara was happy for her cousin but he was seriously acting a fool with all this lovey-dovey stuff.

“Damn, Girl, you know I’m singing just like Florence Nightingale.”

Tara turned her attention to the source of the problem. “And you, Jesús, I’m holding personally responsible for all this,” lifting her hands in mock exasperation.

Both Jesús and Lafayette laughed but as soon as she saw her cousin went to the back, she sidled up to the end of the bar where Jesús  was sitting and put her arm around his shoulder. “I just want to make sure you’re nothing like your namesake. Getting a body all worked up and in love, then disappearing for three days at a time. My cousin’s heart has been stomped on enough. You hear me?”

“Tara, you’ve got nothing to worry about,” Jesús stared directly in her eyes. “I’m just as scared and in love as he is.”

“Well, alrighty then. Glad we had this little talk. Lafayette, I’m taking a break. Your boy here,” Tara winked at Jesús “seeing as he’s got nothing better to do than sit on this stool, he can let you know if some fool needs something until Holly gets here. She’s due in any minute now.”

“Okay, Baby, we got it, don’t we Sweet Jesús?” Lafayette returned with some drink garnishes he’d cut up for the bar and threw a cherry Jesús’ way.

“Oh, Gaaawwd!” Tara drew the word out for all it was worth. “Before I lose my mind, Sweet Jesús, I’m going to fix myself a big old cocktail, and I’m going sit in that big old empty booth in the back in the corner and upon pain of death, I want y’all to pretend I’m not here. Understand?”

“Yes, ma’am!” They both mumbled in mock humility.

And Tara did exactly that. She also grabbed an old briefcase from under the bar, and after sitting down, and taking a good long drink, she took out the journal and began to read.

Monday, November 5, 1855

Today was spent in intolerable torture at Miss Edith Murdle’s Dress Shop in London. I endure these monthly sojourns with my mother only by the ministrations of one Sallie Hutchins who works in the shop. She has made sure that an occasional spot of rum finds its way into my teacup as Mother tried on every dress in London. Today was a very bad day, indeed. And it was made worse as the rum found its way to my teacup once a little too often.

Mother was in a dour mood for we had met Miss Gwendolyn in the street (O Happy Day!) on the way to the shop. She looked the most exquisite of creatures and I could see that Mother burned with envy. She was wearing a blue velvet jacket over a lovely rose dress and it made her clear blue eyes shine from her beautiful porcelain countenance. Not to mention that her lovely figure had never been shown to greater effect. Mother was seething.

“Well, Miss Gwendolyn and Mrs. General, what a great delight! I’m surprised to see you out on such a cool, crisp morning.” Mother said through a tight smile as she addressed Gwendolyn’s chaperone. “I would think that your family would have a greater concern for your welfare, fearful that you would catch cold so unsuitably dressed for the season.”

“Good day, Mrs. Mott, and Vicar Mott, indeed, what a rare pleasure to see you!” Mrs. General responded, while Gwendolyn smiled up at us with eyes that left me utterly dumbfounded. “I can assure you that Miss Gwendolyn is quite comfortable, quite up to a daily constitutional and quite enjoys a visit to the city. And how are you today, Vicar Mott? I was pleased to hear that your first sermon was such a great success.”

“Franklin? …Franklin? …Franklin?” I was soon aware that Mother was calling me to attention. After a few embarrassing words of idiocy on my part we took our leave. It could not be soon enough. And mother began her denigration of Gwendolyn’s family and Mrs. General although she dared not speak ill of Gwen herself, because she knew that she was a very fortunate match for me, emphasis on fortune. A man of the cloth needs to marry a fortune if he has any hope of a happy life. I was just blessed enough to fall in love with mine. My father was not so fortunate. My mother’s inheritance paid for these excursions to the dressmaker’s and Father never forgot it. I prayed that I would never have to learn the same lesson from Gwendolyn.

Mother tried on dress after dress and was in rare form in her effort to extract compliments from me. It truly was an epic battle. “Do you think this burgundy shows off the raven quality of my hair?” “Does this décolletage show me to great effect?” “Do you think this bonnet is too old fashioned?” “Is my waistline still attractive Franklin?”  “Franklin pay attention, you’re falling asleep!” “I’m sure if Gwendolyn were here you’d be much more interested.”

Every month was humiliating but today we reached our nadir. Upon reflection, it all seems so stupid. Why can’t I just give her a few hours of my time? She’s my mother and I love her. Why can’t I do what she wants? She’s been the one who pushes me and wants what’s best for me. Where would I be without her?  My father wouldn’t look out for me, he’s too weak, too powerless. I need her and her money to get anywhere in life. I should be a more grateful son. I can’t even tell her the truth about a dress, a stupid yellow dress. It was a lovely creamy yellow dress, with ivory lace, beautiful for the holidays. And Mother’s figure looked lovely in it and I told her so. But then she rightly chastised me, for I had forgotten that she looks terrible in pale yellow. She was right, pale yellow doesn’t suit her. I know that. After all these years, the minute she tried it on, I should have reminded her. Thankfully, she remembered and didn’t waste her money. I begged her to purchase the lovely burgundy dress that showed her to such great effect, but she said she no longer wanted a dress, I’d ruined the day for her, and she’d just wear something she already had for Christmas. She feels her beauty has faded and although we tried to convince her otherwise, she’d have none of it. I must make it up to her somehow.

As we left the dress shop, we ran into a very fretful Mrs. Meagles. It seems that things have changed greatly in her home in the last week. She was in town to check on some business affairs of Mr. Meagles. It seems he has taken to bed after being bitten by some sort of snake. Twice, he’s been discovered in the morning out on the lawn, apparently bitten by snakes due to the bite marks found on his person. It is so very strange! I have never heard of such a thing. He is quite weak and pale and Mrs. Meagles is quite distraught and asked that we come out to administer prayers. She also said that not only did Miss Waters and Mr. Flintwich come to call, but after seeing Mr. Meagles take ill, they’ve volunteered to moved in to assist her. But she says they sleep all day and only get up in the evening, so they’ve not been helpful at all.

“And to be quite honest, while I appreciate their many kindnesses, I don’t quite see why they would like to spend time with someone like me,” questioned Mrs. Meagles.

“Well, I sure as hell do,” said Tara. “You need to get those vampires outta’ your house but quick. Snakes my ass, woman!” She slammed the journal shut and put it back in the briefcase. And headed towards the bar.
“Well, boys, I’m gone. It’s been real, y’hear?” And as she was leaving, Lafayette and Jesús heard her say, “All that for a yellow dress? Boy, you better grow you a pair!”

Jesús looked at Lafayette, “Is all your family like this?”


Disclaimer: The Franklin Files are provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Franklin Files” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Sarahfina

Photo & Graphics By: Sarahfina

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Jason Stackhouse: The Scholar?

October 29, 2010

Jason Ponders a Future at Renard Parish Community College

Decisions, decisions. That’s what I got to make and real soon. I done inherited a bigger family than Sookie and me coulda ever had and now it’s time to man up and take care of that family. Yep, folks – Jason Stackhouse is gonna be the head of household and he’s gonna have to make sure he has the money rolling in. I ain’t so sure that volunteering for the Renard Parish Sheriff’s Office is gonna bring in enough dough to feed my new family. Plus, I’m gonna need some gas money for my trips between Bon Temps and Hot Shot.

But that’s okay, ‘cuz I been thinking a long time about what kind of career I’m really lookin’ for. I been looking through this here course catalog from the Renard Area Technical College here in Bon Temps.

You know me, I get confused pretty quick like. I got real confused when I opened this thing and saw all these classes they offer. I started daydreamin’ and next thing you know, Andy was standin’ over me barking orders – something about them DEA guys being in his hair and whatnot.

I been sitting here looking through this here course catalog and I gots lots of choices. Let me know what you think I should pick. I got truck driving, culinary arts, welding, and all kinds of other stuff that might interest me.

I was thinking to myself, “Self,” – that’s me – Jason. “Self, you really gotta get you a diploma of some sort. Yeah, you was a hell of a football star at Bon Temps High, but ever since then, you just been kinda spinning your wheels and you done run that road crew pretty doggone good. Still, unless I get a whole bunch of jobs like Lafayette, there ain’t no way I can take care of a family making what I was making and I sure can’t do it as a deputy sheriff.” That’s when it hit me – there might be all kinds of stuff I can do.

I could drive one of them big rigs. Heck, truck drivers make lots of cash and there ain’t none in Bon Temps that I know of. Only trucks I really see come through here is the ones that deliver beer and True Blood to Merlotte’s. Maybe I could drive the True Blood delivery truck? Yeah, that might be what I might could do. Hmmm. Well, maybe not.

Wait, Culinary Arts? Hmmm, that might work. I could work with LaFayette at Merlotte’s, cookin’ and makin’ all kinds of fancy food. We could even go into business together and cater weddings and stuff. But then again, maybe not. I can’t even fry a egg – who am I foolin’?

Now Welding – that might be somethin’ I can put to good use. I know I saw some welding equipment in Hot Shot. I could make a whole lotta extra money on the side welding stuff. Or maybe not – I might blow something up and that wouldn’t be good.

I also got Barbering, Electronics and Air Conditioning and Refrigeration to choose from. They got plenty of people who need their hair cut and people gotta have their TVs and air conditioners repaired.

Decision, decisions. All I know is I won’t be joining any more cults. No sir, Jason Stackhouse ain’t gonna get mixed up with no more of that nonsense. And he ain’t so sure that the police academy is for him, either. What do you think, folks? Who knows? This here education stuff might just open up a whole new set of opportunities for me. Lord knows I need it. Grams would be so proud.


Disclaimer: “Jason Stackhouse, The Scholar?” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Arlene Culpepper

Photo Credit: HBO (Screen Capture: James)

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Summer Itch

October 27, 2010

The summers in Bon Temps can be downright brutal. The temperatures easily soar into the 100’s and when you add in the humidity and bugs, well, let’s just say there are nicer places to spend some time. The latest heat wave had given Bon Temps eight straight days of triple digits. Sam had been grumpy and snappy ever since summer started but here lately, he was just plain, no fun to be around. Sookie decided to confront him tonight after work–if she didn’t kill him before then!

“Nice of you to show back up.” She said, as Sam came back into Merlotte’s after one of his numerous breaks.

“Mind your own business Sookie,” he snapped, as he quickly walked passed her.

“Sam, what is that smell?” Sookie wrinkled her nose. “Lemon overkill?”

Sam stopped suddenly and Sookie was tempted to read his mind but as mad as she was, she still didn’t want to eavesdrop on her boss and long-time friend.

“Um, I spilled a bottle of cleaning, uh cleaner; you know the one with the lemon scent. That must be it.”

Sookie knew Sam was lying, but said nothing. Instead she decided to keep an eye on him. Something was definitely up!
Sookie continued to watch him for the rest of the evening. He looked…well, twitchy. There was no other word for it. She also noticed every time Sam returned from his office he smelled different. Each scent stronger and more intense as the night wore on.

Finally, closing time came. Sookie and Arlene cleaned up and headed outside. Sam was nowhere to be seen. Arlene said goodbye and Sookie headed towards her car. Noticing the light on in Sam’s trailer, she threw her purse into her car, took a deep breath and headed over. She knocked quietly just before she heard muffled steps and then a thud from inside. Thinking Sam might be in some kind of trouble, Sookie forgot her anger and rushed through the door. She came to a sudden halt as she was immediately confronted with the sight of Sam — in all his naked glory. Not that she hadn’t seen Sam naked before, but walking in on someone in their own home when you think they are in danger, then finding them naked and covered in a strange substance is always a bit, well, it deserved a scream.

“Sam? Are you okay? What is that all over you?”

Sam looked completely miserable and sheepishly replied, “Oatmeal.”

Sookie didn’t mean to but she couldn’t help herself and started laughing. Sadly, the harder she tried to stop, the harder she laughed. Tears streamed down her face as she attempted to control her laughter. After a minute Sookie had enough breath to speak.

“What in the world for, Sam? Do you have chicken pox?” Sookie asked, while she wiped the wetness from her cheeks. She really did feel awful for laughing at Sam’s obvious distress.

“No,” he said, looking even more embarrassed, if that was possible. “Fleas,” he mumbled.
Sookie tried. She really did. But a second fit of giggles got the better of her and led into another round of gut wrenching laughter.

“Sookie! This isn’t funny! Do you have any idea how bad they are? I mean I have to change, I go crazy if I don’t, but as soon as I do and I go for a run, they’re all over me! And they don’t go away when I change back. They’re everywhere and this little heat wave we got goin on here is just making it worse. I’ve tried everything to get rid of them and nothing works.”

By this time Sookie had almost stopped laughing, but Sam’s last pitiful confession just started it right back up.

“Is that what I smelled all night?”

Sam seemed to realize for the first time that he was having this conversation with Sookie while he stood completely naked, except of course, for a thin layer of oatmeal. He turned ten shades of red, let out a long string of curses, then snatched an afghan off the back of the couch and covered himself.

“Um, yeah. I’ve tried every flea remedy out there. Shampoos, powders, sprays, herbal tea, drops, flea collars, everything!”

“Sam, why didn’t you ask me to help you? You know I would have.”

“I know Sookie, but I just wasn’t sure how to bring something like this up. It’s embarrassing!”

Sookie was still wiping tears when she left. She had instructed Sam to shower while she vacuumed the trailer from top to bottom and changed all the linens. Afterwards, Sookie rubbed cortisone cream on his bites then gave him a couple Benadryl so he could get a good night’s sleep. Before she left she promised she would pick something up from the vet tomorrow, as long as Sam promised he would not run around naked with nothing but oatmeal spread all over him.

After all, Bon Temps had enough strange things going on and certainly did not need to add naked oatmeal man to the already impressive list of weird.


Disclaimer: “Summer Itch” is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. The writer has no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Reagan Grimes

Graphics Credit: http://findavet.us/blog

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Investigative Reports — Russell Edgington

October 26, 2010

C O N F I D E N T I A L

Property of The American Vampire League – Do Not Distribute

Attn: Nan Flannigan

Dear Ms. Flannigan,
As agreed per our video conference, here is the first report on our findings regarding Mr. Russell Edgington. What we are presenting here are the earliest recorded dates unearthed in our investigation.

As you can imagine, this is extremely time consuming and occasionally, nearly impossible to verify if all of these accounts are indeed 100% accurate. However, my colleagues and I have endeavored to do our best for you and the esteemed members of the council.

RUSSELL EDGINGTON
Documents found in several residencies and ruins scattered throughout the globe prove that Mr. Edgington has been conspiring with an assortment of despicable characters for approximately the past 25 centuries.

The National Bureau of Vampiric Affairs (NBVA) has prepared an extensive investigative report detailing several of Edgington’s attempts at annihilating the human race in hopes of driving mortals to the verge of extinction and generate an anarchic state in which vampires would come to power.

While the vampire claims to be almost 3000 years old, our historians have consistently failed in finding proof of his existence before the reign of the Julio-Claudian dynasty (placed in ancient Rome from 27 BC to 68 AD).

Edgington’s influence appears to have started on young Gaius Julius Caesar Germanicus, also known as Caligula. The extent and range of this influence is unclear in the case of this emperor, but what seems to stand out is the fact that the vampire glamored Caligula into believing he was a god, and as such he could not be killed. Large amounts of vampire blood (referred to today as “V”) streamed into Caligula’s system and drove the emperor to unsurpassed lust and debauchery, giving him the insane idea of turning the senate house into a brothel to cover up state deficit.

The emperor’s so called “madness” reached its zenith when he turned his favorite horse into a consul; an act that in itself was meant to mock the institution of consulship; but was, in this case, provoked by the constant glamoring sessions and the resulting brain damage, and truly had no humorous intention to begin with.

Historians now believe that Edgington became close friends with Caligula in the form of an actor called Mnester. Edgington found a way to use the emperor’s passion for the arts, plays in particular, to dominate Caligula and keep him in a near-constant state of frenzy.

Managed by the elusive figure of Mnester (Edgington), Caligula started huge parades and staged theatrical plays that bled the empire’s budget and generated huge amounts of debt. After this, the so called “actor” instructed the emperor to turn senator’s wives into prostitutes with the hopes of creating a civil war.

After this event, which admittedly was a truly original way of covering up for state debt, the emperor was murdered by a glamored centurion who weaved a conspiracy to kill Caligula after a chariot race.

Presumably, Edgington glamored this man into murdering the emperor because the succession was not clear and the whole empire would fall into a chaotic mass of defenseless people, ready to be slaughtered and enslaved by his vampire minions.

Although the exact details of why this plan was unsuccessful cannot be ascertained, the resulting outcome was that Caligula’s uncle, Claudius, became the head of the Roman Empire despite being considered at the time to have a possibly flawed brain.

Edgington maintained anonymity after the failed take over of  Rome until his obvious return during Nero’s reign. Again in the figure of an actor, Edgington reappeared and claimed himself as the vile Sporus, the infamous actor who is well known for exerting influence over the emperor. Edgington convinced Nero to spend denarii wildly all across the empire on excessive amounts of  jewelry and clothing.

It is said that being arsonist, Nero wet his bed, and therefore sought help from a very diverse group of people. Among them was of course, Edgington, posing a Sporus. There is proof that Edgington glamored  the emperor and“cured” him of his chronic bed wetting problem and then engaged Nero in a sexual liaison. Eventually, Sporus (Edgington)  married Nero as his HUSBAND; shocking for its time.

Feeding the emperor regularly with his blood, Nero quickly became addicted to Edgington’s (Sporus) presence in the Roman court. Edgington came very close to his objective of annihilating the inhabitants of Rome when he urged Nero to burn the city so he could build himself a huge villa. This villa was supposed to be their “dream home”, filled with portraits and statues of the man and his vampire lover. Archaeologists have found evidence of a lavish hidey-hole for Edgington, located right below the emperor’s rooms and with direct access.

When the fire was controlled and the city was saved, the emperor’s position was weakened and Edgington’s plot was nearly discovered. He quickly fled the city and no further records have been located concerning his whereabouts during this era.  Nero’s fate was sealed after this event, and without his regular supply of V, he went into withdrawals. He committed assisted suicide shortly after, where reliable sources say he wept tears of desperation and cried out the name of his long lost lover, Sporus, with his final breath.

Edgington remained absent from human affairs for a long period of time, but our findings reveal that in nearly every era where chaos and pandemonium have ensued, Russell Edgington’s presence has been noted.

More reports to follow as soon as further proof and verifications of certain facts can be obtained.

It has taken centuries of careful control to ensure the dissemination of what vampires want humans to believe regarding their history. As such, these records must be guarded accordingly.

End of report.

Most obediently yours,

Mrs. Bianca Sotopazzi
Head Investigator
National Bureau of Vampiric Affairs

Disclaimer: The “Investigative Reports — Russell Edgington” series is provided for entertainment purposes only and is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Investigative Reports — Russell Edgington” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Natalia Riffran

Header Graphics By: Natalia Riffran

Photo Courtesy: HBO  (Screen Capture Courtesy: James)

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Forbitten Love — Discoveries

October 6, 2010

Love can be fleeting as a rainstorm, span the length of a man’s life or be as eternal as time itself. It can be so fiery that it consumes your body and soul or live as a warm ember within your beating or silent heart. It can be expressed in words, glances, the timber of your voice, tender gestures, gifts and sacrifices.  But it’s never so succulent and desperate as when it’s Forbitten Love…

It’s a rainy, hot and muggy night, the air smells of wet earth while Bill slowly wends his way through the cemetery that lies between his and Sookie’s house. Before being turned, Bill had enjoyed walking in the rain, but like so many things since, this too has lost some of its romanticism and relaxation.

Suddenly, Bill spots Hoyt Fortenberry leaving a crypt near the back of the cemetery then hurry to his truck before speeding away. He wonders what the love sick, young fool was up to. He really doesn’t hold out much hope for a relationship between Jessica and the young man. After all, it’s much more likely that Jessica will drain him during a necking session than it is a newly turned vampire being able to control her natural instincts. As a matter of fact, Bill figured this wasn’t going to amount to anything other than the baby vamp learning a cruel lesson and possibly one dead road-crew worker.

He has to admit however, he might be softening on the matter of their relationship since Jessica seems calmer and more mature with Hoyt in her life. Her attitude lately was definitely an improvement over the petulant child he had been saddled with after being forced to create her.

Bill slips inside the small dank building and searches around the musty crypt before spotting a neatly folded piece of paper peeking out of an urn. After pulling it from it’s hiding spot he drops it suddenly, startled as a spider skitters across the back of his hand. Bill lets out a few curse words then looks around embarrassed that he, a century old vampire, was just scared by a spider. Ugh.
Muttering, Bill reaches down and retrieves the paper then unfolds it and begins to read:

My Dearest Jessica,
I hope by now you got my message that I’ve left this letter here for you. I’m not sure if Vampire Bill will allow me to come to your house. I’m not so sure how to do a lot of stuff around vampires. So for now, I‘ll just leave my letters for you here and hope you‘ll leave some for me too.

Jessica, there are so many things I’d like to tell you but I guess the best thing to do is to just start at the beginning.

Meeting you in Merlotte’s the other night was the greatest thing that ever happen to me in my life. Before you walked in that door you know I was just thinking, “How come you never meet any nice girls, Hoyt?”

Then BAM, like a bolt of lightning, the sight of you hit me and froze me to the spot. When I watched you walk to the table next to mine in that beautiful yellow sundress, it felt like I was standing in a pure ray of sunshine, only not the kind that beats down on me when I’m workin’ on the road crew with Jason. And your pretty red hair with those big bouncy curls, made me want to reach right out and touch it just to see if I‘d get burned by it. It’s like you walk around carrying the warm glow of summer with you where ever you go, which is kinda’ funny since you can‘t go out in the sun at all.

When you sat down and started reading the menu then glanced up and smiled at me, I knew there was something between us. Just sitting with you talking, getting to know each other felt real good. I gotta’ admit though, I was a little taken aback when you ordered a True Blood. But that smile, along with your pretty blue eyes make me forget you’re a vampire, not that it matters to me even when I do remember you‘re one.

And when we finally kissed! WOW! My heart felt like it was ready to explode! I couldn’t even believe that you could possibly like me as much as I like you. I felt luckier than the day I won that fifty dollar scratch off!

I especially thought it was cute when your fangs popped out. But I meant what I said when I told you “Don’t be embarrassed about what you are. You’re Great!”

If you really think about it, there are more good things about being a vampire than there is bad. For example: You won’t get fat, old or ugly like my mama. Not that I care one bit about any of that, except that you don‘t get all mean like her, but I don‘t think you will. Another cool thing is you’re super strong! Heck, you could even lift the car if I ever need to change a flat tire. I really do like you a lot Jessica, and I really hope you feel the same way about me. I promise that we can take this real slow. I know we have to get used to different things about each other. Even guys and girls who aren’t vampires have to do that. I just want you to know I think we could have something real special here and hope you think so too.

I will check back here every day for your reply.

Yours,
Hoyt Fortenberry

Bill couldn’t help chuckling as he returned the folded paper back to its hiding spot in the urn. He had to admit, although Hoyt wasn’t exactly a poet he had no doubt Jessica would hug herself silly over his earnest words. He could already picture her responding with a few flowery words of her own. Not many women were able to resist the power of a love letter. With that thought, Bill hurried from the cemetery thinking of all the things he would include in his letter to Sookie.

Disclaimer: This is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “Forbitten Love” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to Charlaine Harris, or the Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written by: Heather Adomeit

(Photo Credit:  www.chicagostagereview.com

Graphics Courtesy Kasandra Rose)

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On the Couch-Lafayette

October 1, 2010

You would think that after twenty-five years of being a psychologist there wouldn’t be many people that could surprise me. Well, you could think that, but you’d be wrong. You see, the people who drive nearly an hour up Interstate 49 from this itty-bitty town by the name of Bon Temps never fail to surprise me when they lie on my couch. There’s got to be something in the water down there because every time one of them comes in to see me, they either dress odd, act odd or just plain have the oddest stories. Even reading over the saner moments in my transcripts from today I’m struck by how different these folks are from my other patients.

October 1, 2010
Dr. Ricky Lee Botomy
Patient: Lafayette Reynold
Appointment Time: 2:00

Doctors Note:
Patient maintains a facade of carelessness although it seems to cover a nearly constant state of agitation. Not sure if this is his usual state since he behaved this way during his first visit as well. Patient once again appears to be struggling with his sense of sexual identity. Wears heavy make-up and carries himself in a flamboyant manner. His clothing choices seem extremely odd; A gold lamé scarf tied around a pair of three quarter length shorts with combat boots. He seems to be extremely proud of his muscular frame as he is again wearing another tank style shirt that emphasizes his pectorals and upper body strength. Can be very intimidating to say the least.

Lafayette:
Hey, doc.

Doctor:
Hi, Lafayette! Come and have a seat. Make yourself comfortable. How was your drive up here today?

Lafayette:
It was aiight. The same dirt and mosquitoes. Now, I know why black folks shouldn’t own convertibles.

Doctor:
Did you think anymore about what we discussed last week?

Lafayette:
Yeah, doc, I did. You may have a point but I’m not with all of that right now.

Doctor:
Okay, we’ll discuss it later then.

Lafayette:
Cool.

Doctor:
So, how has your week been?

Lafayette:
Crazy, doc. I’ve been trying to keep an eye on my cousin Tara because she ain’t right in the head. I understand she’s upset about her man and all that but damn she needs to suck it up. She ain’t the first woman to lose a man and at least he was killed. Any woman would be happy to say her man was killed instead of just walked out on her ass.

Doctor:
Oh, okay. And how does that make you feel?

Lafayette:
It makes me feel like slapping her is how I feel! She’s the only family I have and I love her dumb ass to death but, some days it’s too much. She’s my best friend, if I lost her…

Doctor:
Then how would you feel, Lafayette?

Lafayette:
Like strangling her! Earlier today I couldn’t find her and I was losing my grits trying to figure out where she could be. The last time I left her with her mother; she went into the bathroom and called herself ending it all, swallowed a bunch of pills. I will not have that. So, I texted the basket case asking her where she was and she texted me back saying she’s alright. So, I guess she’s alright even though I haven’t laid eyes on her yet…

Doctor:
Are you worried, something else may happen?

Lafayette:
What else is there? We done lived through all the misery in God’s creation! I ain’t worried no more. There’s only so much one person can live with from day to day. She said she was okay, I’m gonna believe her on this one. I mean, a diva’s gotta work.

Doctor:
How is your work going?

Lafayette:
Aiight. How many ways can you beautify a steak just so ignorant people can eat it like a cheeseburger, ketchup and all!

Doctor:
So are you unhappy with your job?

Lafayette:
Am I unhappy with my job? No, I’m unhappy with ALL my JOBS. With an S, honey. Shiiiit, if I just had one I’d be smoking a joint on cloud nine and be clicking heels like Fred Astaire. One job, that’s funny.

Doctor:
Do you have a problem with managing money?

Lafayette:
No, I have a problem with keeping money. I’m an entrepreneur and it ain’t like being a short order cook in the back woods of Bon Temps will open a bunch of doors for me. Believe me, if there were even the smallest window these jobs could lead me to, I would’ve opened it already, went through and never came back!

Doctor:
You seem to use humor a lot. I wonder if that is in some way a defense mechanism..?

Lafayette:
Yeah, it’s protecting me from going DC sniper on people’s asses! But, that’s another story, I guess.

Doctor:
Okay Lafayette, I’m afraid that’s all we can get to today. Next week I’d like to talk a little bit more about you and what we can do to handle conflict in your life. I want to know all about Lafayette and what makes him tick.

Lafayette:
Ooh. Then buckle your seatbelt, doc. I’m gonna do more than rock your world!

Doctor:
Good bye, Lafayette.

Lafayette:
See ya, doc.

Disclaimer: This column is a parody of the fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “On the Couch” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said program nor any relation to the Charlaine Harris, Sookie Stackhouse novels.

Written By: Ayondela McDole

Photo Credit: http://open.salon.com/blog/annette2009

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