Mystery Reporter – Bill and Lorena – Love At First Bite?

August 3, 2010

As the editor of the Bon Temps Tattler I’m so excited to bring this tasty morsel to the readers of Truebloodnet.com:  An exclusive interview with the most controversial vampire “couple”, Bill Compton and Lorena Krasiki.    The source of this interview is…a mystery!

Dateline: Unknown

Checking my appearance one last time in the mirror and very pleased with my choice of wardrobe for this once in a lifetime opportunity, I await the arrival of the gruesome twosome.  A single knock at the door announced their arrival.

MR:  Mr. Compton, Lorena…thank you for joining me.  It’s so nice that you two could make it this evening for this exclusive interview.  It’s not often that I have had the pleasure to interview such a handsome couple, either living or dead.  May I ask why you decided to give me such a delightful honor?

BILL: You’re very welcome, Miss….uh, I’m sorry but I do not know your name.  I would hardly call us a couple, far from it, as far as I am concerned.  Lorena is my Maker.  That is the only connection I have to her.  As for why we chose The Bon Temps Tattler and yourself, that will have to remain Lorena and my little secret, but you will be sure to see to it that Truebloodnet receives it’s copy  of the Tattler?…It is my understanding that I have many admirers there [Flashes a charming smile, noticing her Sparkly “TEAM BILL” baby tee] And by the way, I do not sparkle in the sunlight.

LORENA: We are glad to make your acquaintance.  We are far from a first name basis, Darlin’, so you can call me Ms. Krasiki. I have waited a long time for this. William and I have not been around one another for 75 years. I am so glad to be here sitting with William once again. You ARE a lucky one, Darlin’, and by the looks of you, so delicious.

MR: Mr. Compton, I assure you, the pleasure is all mine, and yes, you have many who admire you here in Bon Temps, and I am on the top of that list. [looks Bill up and down as she hikes up her mini skirt, showing her inner thigh, then turns to Lorena with a smile]  As for you….Ms. Krasiki, I really must ask you, why Mr. Compton?  You could have had any man as your eternal child.  Why Mr. Compton, why Bill?  I have to admit he’s easy on the eyes but there must be something more to it than that?

LORENA: [looks over at William] “William, the human’s name isn’t important. [Sneers and turns back to the interviewer] The same reason you look at him with those eyes.  William was noble and a good southern gentleman. You could say he is one of a kind.  William was quite different from the others and when he came into my home, I knew right then and there I was going to make him mine.  There were few gentleman like my William.  His hunger was not what the other men came looking for…his hunger was for food.  Sooner or later William will realize that we belong together. [Glancing over at him then back to the interviewer]

BILL: I came to your doorstep out of desperation, Lorena.  It was the end of the end of the War.  I was cold and starving, not having eaten for days. When you took me in, I was grateful but I needed to return to my home to care for my family.  You took that all way for your own selfish reasons.  Had you really believed in my nobility, you would have let me go.

LORENA: I thought we put that all behind us William.  Your loyalty a century ago was to a wife and your children Now you try to be loyal to a ridiculous waitress and we both know that hasn’t been entirely true.  When you came in to my home, I fed you and saw something in you like no other.  I wanted you and to be mine and I was going to see what you really are.  You just never embraced our true nature.  I always told you that there’s our world and there is theirs.  You just keep clinging to humanity. One day you will see that the human world is no longer available to you.  I’ve always told you that.

BILL: As you can tell, Lorena and I do not see things eye to eye.  This argument has been going on for decades.  We continue to gnaw at it like a dog with his favorite bone.

MR: What a truly interesting beginning this is to a most controversial relationship.   Which brings me to my next question…We have yet to hear much about your children Mr. Compton.  I hear they passed.  Why was it you did not turn them to save them?  Why didn’t you turn your wife?

BILL: I did return to Bon Temps briefly a few years after I was turned against Lorena’s wishes.  Upon my arrival, I heard there was an epidemic of Small Pox that ravaged through Louisiana and had taken my youngest son. [Pauses briefly and dabs his eyes with a handkerchief]  I only meant to anonymously check in on my family to make sure that their welfare was secure, then I was discovered by my wife Caroline in her hour of mourning.  She told me that our daughter and eldest son were sent away to escape the sickness.  It was my understanding that they both survived and lived on to carry the Compton legacy.  It was never a possibility in my mind that I would ever have allowed them to suffer with the eternal darkness that I have endured for the past 174 years.

MR: [Sets a box of tissues on the table for Bill] No wonder you wanted to get away from her…you poor man.  She took everything away from you…..

BILL:  I am fine, thank you.  It is just difficult for me to talk about my family.

LORENA: I would watch what you say if I were you little girl.  I haven’t fed….yet [hisses]

MR: Mr. Compton, How has your decision to mainstream affected your relationship with Lorena?

BILL: My decision to mainstream came well after I severed ties with Lorena.  When the Great Revelation came to pass, I embraced my opportunity to come out of the shadows and live openly and freely as a vampire among humans.

LORENA: William, I don’t understand why you have to adapt to live among these humans.  You never adapted to your true nature. That sorry excuse for bottled blood that they are pedaling to us is vile and disgusting. How can you even drink that?  It doesn’t even taste like the real thing.

BILL: I would never expect you to understand, Lorena, but this is the new wave of the future for vampires if we want to continue to exist openly and publicly.  All you do is take, take, take…you are the one that is going to need to learn to adapt.

MR: What drove you to sever your ties from your maker?

BILL: As with any Vampire Maker/ Progeny relationship, like with a parent and child, the child must leave the nest eventually and go out on their own.  With Lorena, this was a difficult feat because she had a very strong hold on me.  I grew weary of the life we were leading, and to be blunt, of her.  [Looks to Lorena]  I just couldn’t be what you wanted of me.

LORENA: I made you and you are MINE. I will always be your maker no matter how hard you try to defy me.

MR: What affect has the telepathic waitress, Sookie Stackhouse, had on your relationship?  Do you find her to be a threat?

LORENA: A threat? [Laughs] To me?  Oh please!  I couldn’t be more insulted. She is a pathetic bag of flesh and I could just squash her like a bug, and I will, once I get my hands on her.  Besides, I don’t know what anyone sees in her anyway.  And what makes her so special?  If it weren’t for everyone trying to protect her she’d be six feet under and actually being of some use… as worm food.

BILL: [Growls and extends fangs]  If you harm one single hair on Sookie, Lorena, I will kill you myself.  That I can promise you!

LORENA: Oh William, you’re so sexy when your angry like that!  Your animalistic temper just makes me want you even more. [Fangs extend from arousal]

MR: Come on now, let’s get back to what we’re doing here I don’t any blood shed on my pretty baby tee [turns to Lorena with a smile] But you are right, he really is sexy when he’s angry.   And seeing how you two are acting towards each other here today, it makes me wonder Mr. Compton, Was there any time you ever did feel love for Lorena?

BILL: I wouldn’t call my feelings for Lorena as love.  I could never truly love someone as cold-hearted as her.  I have felt compassion and a degree of loyalty in the past, but that is not exactly a feeling as it is more of an instinct that is born within a vampire as one reveres their maker.

LORENA: You did love me once, William, I bet my life on it. [Touches her necklace] You made love to me and embraced those feelings once.  You will learn to love me again. No matter how much you try to push me away, I will always love you. William, you are mine.

MR: Ms. Krasiki, Why were the 20’s and 30’s your most favorite decades?

LORENA: Those were such times to remember…The beauty of being glamorous…The blood was flowing as much as jazz and booze were.  It was exciting going around and feeding on such tasty elegance. The hunt was much more exciting back then, when humans were oblivious to our true existence.  We were able to mingle freely; it was as if we were hiding in plain sight among them.  The fact that we were vampires was still hidden, as it still should be.  We were made to dominate humans and it was so much easier then because of their ignorance.

MR: Mr. Compton, Have you ever had any thoughts of turning Sookie?  And if so Ms. Krasiki, would you be willing to share him with her for eternity?

BILL: Absolutely not. The thought never crossed my mind until the King of Mississippi, Russell Edgington, asked me this question as well.  Sookie deserves to live a long, full life and I would not want to be the one who takes that from her, as I have had mine ripped out from me.  I could never bring myself to do that to another unless the duty was forced upon me, which it has.

LORENA: Share? [Laughs] What’s that common phrase? Oh yes, I skipped that day in Kindergarten.  Anyways, William wouldn’t turn his precious human.  He wouldn’t have it in him to turn any human much-less his precious little pet.  He didn’t do that when he was faced with the opportunity to do it with his beloved Caroline.

MR: Which brings me to my next question, we were informed you do have a child Mr. ComptonJessica. Where is your child Jessica in all this?  We have heard from our sources that you have left her alone to fend for her self…is any of this true?

BILL: It’s not like I left on my own accord.  I was taken by those filthy… [Shakes his head]  Jessica is a smart girl.  She can take care of herself and she knows where to buy Tru-Blood when she gets hungry.

LORENA: So the rumors are true! I am a Grandpire??  Oh, William! You’ve made me so proud. I seriously didn’t think you had it in you. I would love to meet this Jessica!  Oh the things I can teach her….

BILL: [Interrupts] Yes, I have a ward and you will have no part in the rearing of her, Lorena. I will make sure of that.

MR: Mr. Compton, what are your thoughts on The Sheriff of Area 5’s intentions for Sookie?  We hear that he has assigned her protection.

BILL: Eric’s intentions for Sookie are only for his own personal gain, nothing more.  Sookie would never willingly submit to his desires.  I do have faith in that, but I do not trust him.  If he has assigned her protection, I am grateful, though I know it was not as a favor to me.

LORENA: William, just let him have her.  I don’t know why you fret over her so much.  She is beneath you William.

BILL: NEVER!  Sookie is MINE!

LORENA: [Spoken in a whisper] Not for long…

MR: Which brings me to my next question:  How do you like the fact Sookie has been seen in the company of Alcide Herveaux.  The two do seem to be getting quite close….and he is quite the yummy one.

BILL: [Sneers] Yes, I am well aware that he is the one assigned to protect Sookie, though it doesn’t please me that Eric made that choice.  Considering the current, uh, situation, I suppose it will have to do and he can keep her safe during the day.

LORENA: [Laughs] William are you getting jealous? Now you know how it feels to see the one you love in the arms of another, don’t you?

BILL: [Hisses]  Sookie is not in the arms of another and if I ever find out that he has put his filthy paws on her, it will be a good day for a dog such as he to be put down.

MR: There is rumor of Sookie having powers other than her mind reading abilities.  Do you have any idea what she is???

BILL: I have no comment on this matter.

LORENA: I’m curious to know what she is myself.

MR: Oh come on Bill, you must have some idea…

BILL: [Glares] I said no comment.

LORENA: Keep it at Mr. Compton darlin’ or you may just end up being tonight’s first course.

MR: What is your thought on the selling of V and those who partake of such pleasures?

BILL: Having been abducted by “drainers” myself, I find it absolutely appalling.

LORENA: Our blood is sacred.  It shouldn’t be squandered among the parasites.  It is an abomination and those who partake in this should be severely punished for their crimes.

MR: And my final question, Ms. Krasiki, If you were to achieve the final death tomorrow, is there anything you would have liked to have done with your life?  Anything you would have done differently?  Any regrets?

LORENA: The only regret I have is letting William go the first time. I know he would have eventually embraced our true nature.  Had things gone differently, by now we could have been the King and Queen of Illinois and spent our eternity together, as it should have always been.

MR: It seems our time is almost up.  I would like to thank you for letting us interview you both.  [Leans into Bill handing him her card] And if you ever, ever need me for anything Bill, anything at all, or if things don’t work out with you and Sookie, give me a call.

LORENA: That’s it…I warned you! It’s Mr. Compton.  I have had just about enough with the likes of you.  William, what do you say we have one for the road.  Bon appetit…

[fades to black]

[ The tapes of this interview were sent to us by an anonymous source, wrapped in a sparkling Team Bill baby tee shirt.  The whereabouts of the interviewer are still unknown.  Bill and Lorena cannot be reached for comment]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

Bill Compton written by B. Kent

Lorena Krasiki written by Edna Cantu
Photo Credit:  HBO and Screen Caps by James Chin

Header Credit: K. Rose

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Bon Temps Tattler: Sookie Stackhouse Letter to the Editor

May 27, 2010

Okay first and foremost I have been a reader of this fine paper for quite some time now and I simply cannot believe how it has now been turned into nothing but a sleezy gossip rag ever since this MADV debate came about!  How dare you Mrs. Fortenberry! Since when have you become the Bon Temps expert on dating much less Vampire dating.  I mean seriously, with all due respect, when was the last time you even went on a date?  You wouldn’t know what love was unless it came in a bag that said Frito-Lay.

As most you folks know,  I tend to speak my mind. However, Gran always taught me there’s a time and a place for everything so I’ve been holding my tongue. ‘Course, if Gran were alive and saw this MADV hogwash, she would agree now’s the time to speak out.  Honestly, I thought we all had changed since the time of the witch hunts or at least the civil war, but apparently I was dead wrong.  You call the vampires blood thirsty dead things that shouldn’t even be here?  You folks with your MADV Gossip Bee’s are far more blood thirsty than an ole vampire! All that’s missing from this little passion play are the white hoods, the torches and a few miles of rope. Y’all were running out of folks to hate and you latched onto vampires like an alcoholic craddlin’ their beer.  The vampire‘s have a right to be here just like the rest of us.  They used to have to drink human blood to survive but now they have stopped the killing and feeding off of humans.  That is unless we choose to let them feed on us, and from personal experience I can tell you, it’s A-MAZ-ing.  You really outta try it Mrs. Fortenberry.  You might just like it.

And as for the Bon Temps ‘Mother of the Year’, Mrs. Thornton.  Lord knows she has a lot nerve of throwing out scriptures like she really knows what they mean.  Mrs. Thornton, if Gran were alive today she would put you in your place right proper with a scripture or two of her own starting with Mathew 7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged”.  Good luck with that, Mrs. Thornton, because now you have left yourself wide open.  And to even have the nerve to publicly put Miss Jeanette up on some pedestal after all she did to your very own daughter not to mention this town!  If not for you bringing her into Tara’s life in the first place, none of this would have happened and Eggs would probably still be alive today!  There’s not enough Hoe Cakes in the world to make up for what you have done. You know full well what happened to Miss Jeanette and the rest of the town had nothing to do with the vampires but was caused by Miss Jeanette foolishly calling out her Voo Doo demons to line her pockets with poor desperate folks hard earned money.  To use it as a tool for  MADV, now that’s just low, even for you.   You really did miss your callin’ as a politician (with apologies to Mayor Norris).

You, Mrs. Thornton, are so far from perfect you have no right to be throwing the first stone. Were you not the  one that held a shotgun on me and Lafayette and let Tara go right on back into the hands of that horrible Mary Ann Forester?  You knew what that woman might do to Tara because you saw it first hand!!! You should be ashamed of yourself Mrs. Thornton.  All to satisfy some selfish need you to ‘be there’ for Tara after all the years you were in the bottle when she needed you most. You still didn’t know how to be a mama and tell Tara ‘No!’ when she needed you to, to keep her safe.  But that’s really not so surprising, now is it?  After all, all Tara ever was to you was someone to wash you up after you threw up the last bottle of Vodka you were drinking, and slamming her right square in the head with it as you demanded she get you more.

You have no call to berate my brother Jason either.  If not for him protecting Tara when we were all kids, you would have killed her long ago.  And don’t you dare call me weak minded.  At least I didn’t have to spend my own daughter’s hard earned money to go conjure up spirits to save my drunken’ self!  What’s amusing is how you went so far as to make Lafayette and Tara members of MADV without even asking them.  You never cared what anyone else wanted any way.

As for you, Mrs. Fortenberry, you may condemn vampires, but I’ll have you know, Vampire Bill is the most wonderful man I have ever met and a perfect gentleman. Just his very polite response to your MADV movement is living proof of that.  As far as I’m concerned, he treated you with more respect then you deserve.  He has shown me nothing but love, loyalty and respect.  He has proven to me that what ya’ll think makes me strange is in fact a gift and something to be grateful for.  Vampires may be dead, but they can feel love just like anyone else.  I have seen this and felt this with my boyfriend Bill.  He makes me feel….human.  My Gran, God bless her soul, approved of him and now my brother Jason has finally come to his senses about Vampire Bill as well.  We’re just one big happy family now, so you and your little followers just better get used to it.  For once in my life I feel like I belong and am loved for who I am. I know what y’all are thinkin’, there’s that “Crazy Sookie Stackhouse, that girl just ain’t right, she ain’t nothin’ but a fangbangen slut, that girl” and worse things y’all should be ashamed of!

In closing, the only one I feel sorry for is your son Hoyt.  You really should think about his feelings and put your own aside.  Jessica is the same as any other teenage girl and needs to be guided and helped especially since she was made a vampire so young and against her will. You know, you could really be the mother she needs. You must have some mothering left in you, Hoyt turned out good, the Lord alone knows how.  She loves your son and he loves her.  So what if she wears red shoes and she is vampire, she is good for Hoyt and that is all that matters.    You could learn from your son right about now Mrs. FortenberryHoyt is much like my Vampire Bill.  He knows how to love someone for who they are.  In every parents life there comes the time to let their child go and respect their choices, it’s the only way to keep them close to your heart.

And now for my Word of the Day!!!

hog·wash

a noun

1. refuse given to hogs; swill.

2. any worthless stuff.

3. meaningless or insincere talk, writing, etc.; nonsense; bunk.

Funny how irony happens!

Oh, and before I forget, make sure ya’ll make it to *Wednesday night  All you can Eat Wings* night at Merlotte’s.  After all,  everyone knows  Sam has the best wings in the Parish.  See you then!

Sookie Stackhouse

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

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Bon Temps Tattler: Interview With a Real Vampire

April 22, 2010

Today is his interview with a national newspaper, which the American Vampire League suggested would benefit all involved. The fiasco at Area Nine caused by the Fellowship of The Sun has the higher ups scrambling for damage control. Knowing the benefits that this will bring to his establishment Fangtasia’s Sheriff Eric Northman has agreed to this exclusive interview for The Tattler.

Tattler: What is your opinion of the Fellowship of The Sun?

Eric: Proves you humans can and always have been vicious creatures, you stand behind the mantle of sainthood but will resort to whatever it takes to achieve your self serving goals, including murder….this Fellowship represents the worst of your kind.

Tattler: Why do you on occasions wear flip flops?

Eric: *Smirks*…..Unlike Pam….I know when to wear my good shoes……

Tattler: Why do you let Pam do your hair?

Eric: *long pause*….If you spent the last few hundred years listening to her whine and bitch…you’d be surprised at what you’d end up letting her do.

Tattler:  What is your opinion on the Vampires Mainstreaming?

Eric: The financial gains does it’s purpose….but tolerating the lesser life forms are very annoying.

Tattler: What is your opinion of Lafayette Reynolds?

Eric: His entrepreneur skills are acceptable….but his flaw is he’s human.

Tattler: How did it feel when Sookie Stackhouse smacked you?

Eric: *Smiles*….It proved she couldn’t ignore me if she tried.

Tattler: What is your opinion of Sam Merlotte?

Eric: He is a Shifter…..need I say more?

Tattler: What is your opinion of Bill Compton?

Eric: *Smirks*….He bores me with his love for these humans….but he is of use to me for now….

Tattler: What does Pam mean to you?

Eric: Pam is my child….we have a connection that is impossible for the likes of you to comprehend.

Tattler: How do you like being Sheriff?

Eric: It has it’s perks…..mainstreaming does have it’s advantages….now you humans are more of use than being a food source.

Tattler: What do you really think of humans?

Eric: *long pause*……I don’t.

Tattler: I heard you lost your maker Godric….how did it feel?

Eric: *Glares….extends Fangs*…..How would your family feel if I drained you human?

The interview was abruptly terminated but your Intrepid Reporter will be back with more interviews and a fresh change of clothes soon! Feel free to leave your comments and burning questions for future interviews with the various supernaturals that are emerging in our new world, brave or not.

(Photo Credit: HBO Inc. Screencaps James Chin)

Header Credit: K. Rose

This column is an unauthorized parody of the HBO TV show True Blood.  There is no relationship between what you see in this column and what will appear on the screen or in the Sookie Stackhouse novels.  This has been presented for entertainment purposes only and the actions, events and answers presented here have nothing to do with any persons or characters real or imagined, living or dead or undead.

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Bon Temps Tattler: Maxine Fights Back

April 1, 2010

Citizens of Bon Temps, I come here today with a heavy heart. I cannot believe my boy Hoyt has joined in the forces of the vampire against his own mother. Instead of coming to my defense and joining in helping my cause, MADV, Mothers Against Dating Vampires, he is now leading others into the path of destruction. If I didn’t see it myself I would not have believed my boy would stoop so low as to write a column about dating dead things! Even goin’ so far as to bring up my treatment of black folk! With God as my witness, believe me when I tell you, some of my best friends are black folk! And Hoyt knows I have no problem with letting Lafayette cook me up some of his delicious fried chicken.

And as for his little harlot hog tying me? I dare her. That just goes to show you readers: these creatures of the night are not like the rest of us. Here they are wanting the same rights as us humans but I don’t expect a shark to have the same rights as I do just because they eat a person now and then. What’s next? Are we gonna be givin’ rights to to lions and sharks and bears? Just because we’re their food and we’re the vampires’ food? I tell you it just ain’t natural. The only man that will ever get my respect for rising’ from the dead is the good Lord Jesus.

As for the returning of her so called virtue, that’s God’s way of punishing her for being the undead and fornicating with a sweet innocent boy like my Hoyt. Again, it’s just unnatural! If God wanted us to have relations with dead things, he would have made that the 11th commandment but unfortunately for her there are only 10! So if you’re reading this you fly-by-night Jezebel, you need to do us both a favor and stay away from my boy! Because next time, I might not be so nice.

For all those who are true to this cause, we will be selling bumper stickers and t-shirts along with informational pamphlets on *How Not to Date a Vampire* at the next meeting for the Decedents of the Glorious Dead, who died for our country,  and stayed dead, unlike some folks who shall remain nameless.

*MADV Because Mama knows Best!*

Maxine Fortenberry

[Editorial comment: Please feel free to leave your opinions in the comment section at the bottom of this ‘Letters to the Editor’ section. No reason why us more normal folks can’t have our say too!]

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

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Bon Temps Tattler: Hoyt’s Hot Tips!

February 22, 2010

Hoyt’s Hints for Dating newly turned Vampire;

Hello there; my name is Hoyt Fortenberry, recently my mother; Maxine decided to take my personal love life public. She is trying to start a group called Mothers against Dating Vampires, MADV. Really momma you couldn’t have come up with a more original acronym.  If one didn’t know better they would think you’re a mother against doing Viagra. But let’s move on readers.

As I titled this article Hints for Vampire Dating, I will try to give you the reader some helpful tips on beginning and maintaining a relationship with a female vampire. Of course being a male I can only speak on that end of it. But some of these hints may be gender useful.  You may ask yourself how I am such an expert. I’m not. I am a simple man from a small town In Louisiana, who has been dating a newly turned female vampire named Jessica Hamby, a ward now of a Mr. Bill Compton a local vampire here. I met Jessica on a warm summer evening in a small bar. She walked in wearing a bright summer dress. At first glance she looked like any other girl in the bar, maybe a little paler. Jessica scanned the room; she had a nervous almost scared look in her eyes. Seeing an open booth Jessica went right to it and took a seat. I only saw a lovely young woman who was new to the area. I was raised by my momma, Maxine, to always be polite, especially to new people and  women. I walked over and introduced myself, asking if I could have a seat. She agreed and then told me her name. Next she landed the bombshell. She said she was Vampire.  I don’t know still today if I was smitten by her beauty or the fact she was a vampire. I only knew that at that moment I was falling in love with her.

I have never really had a steady girlfriend and I could tell that Jessica had never really had a boyfriend so we stumbled through our initial meeting like teenagers. We’ve been together for a few weeks now and I have learned some things I would like to share with you.

1)       Manners; these are just as important with a Vampire as with a human (maybe more so because if you offend a young female Vampire she may do more than just slap your face.) Treat her with respect.  Some of these newly turned girls may have come from a hard life, be it from the streets of the city or from an abusive home life in their past. Being polite to them will a strong focal point on which to begin.  Open doors for them, say please and thank you. Smile a lot. Let them know how good they look. Just the simple things can take you a long way in the beginning.

2)      Take your date to Vampire friendly restaurants. They will not be interested in Lobster or Steak. They need blood to survive. So look for the True Blood signs on the front of eating establishments and Bars. This will show your date that you are considerate of her needs.

3)      Be careful when you decide to take her home to meet your parents. They may not be as open to Vampires as they appear. In my own case I relate it to Momma’s views. She treated Vampires much the same way as she treated Black people; she was friendly to them in public and made herself sound totally accepting of them. They were fine and she had no problem with either of them, so long as they were not dating her son or moving in next door.

4)      Finally for now, Meeting her maker. This is of upmost importance. For her maker is like her dad, and how daddy’s feel about their little girls is pretty much universal. If you mess with her they will hurt you. I have been fortunate as Mr. Compton is trying very hard to mainstream and teach Jessica to main stream also. Some others may not be so understanding. It will be up to you to use your best judgment. Remember a Vampire bite is just as lethal as daddy’s old shotgun.

I hope these tidbits have been helpful comeback next time when we will discuss Time management; or should I work a swing shift to allow more time for dating.

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

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Bon Temps Tattler: The Truth About Maxine Fortenberry

February 1, 2010

Dear Editor,

I feel I am placed in a position of defending myself for the attacks of your redneck gossip rag and the one-sided backwoods views of Maxine Fortenberry. I was instructed by my maker, Bill Compton, to try to smooth things over, he doesn’t like vampire’s public image to be sullied. So I’m writing to clear a few things up. I am Jessica Hamby, I do date Hoyt Fortenberry and I am vampire. I will address the article and attempt to remain a lady but I do not give my word on this.

First, My Lord Mrs. Fortenberry, if the truth shall set you free, you must be securely hogtied. You raised Hoyt as a single mother and tried your best to make him a momma’s boy, well that is until I came along. You see folks, it isn’t really that I am vampire that truly upsets Mrs. Fortenberry, it is the fact that that her son might one day leave her. As far as me being an orphan vampire, she is mistaken there too. I was the oldest child of Mr. and Mrs. Jordan Hamby and now I am Bill Compton’s child, well… sort of.

I have read through her vile lies several times and I do not see where my being a vampire is truly her concern. I believe she referred to me as a ‘Jezebel’ that can work ‘sex spells’. Well let me tell all of you something, I was a virgin when I met Hoyt, so y’all tell me, who used a sex spell on who. Now for those of you that don’t know, that means I’ll be a virgin forever. Which means I have my cherry popped every time and let me tell you that is not something I enjoy so much that I would lead an innocent man to his ruin.

Heavens! I didn’t even learn how to glamour till I got to Dallas but it is a very nice ability to have.  After all, if that crazy woman attacked me I could just glamoure her. It would be tempting to then make her my pet. Oh, I bet she peed a little after reading that. Don’t worry Mrs. Fortenberry, Bill won’t let me do anything to humans. Besides, Hoyt might get a little mad at me.  What I find very funny is that all she thinks about is the sex. I bet if she had a man this wouldn’t even be an issue. She is just a dried up old hag that has nothing to live for except controlling her son. And now Hoyt ain’t having none of it no more.

Bill has told me to try to remain as pleasant as I can to her, but this MADV group she is forming is nothing more than a pathetic attempt to get her baby boy back and I ain’t allowing it! Whether you like it or not Mrs Fortenberry, I love Hoyt and he loves me. This group will not change that.

In closing I would like to remind Mrs Fortenberry that if something was to happen to Hoyt, like a car crash or a heart attack from her grilled potato chip and cheese, ‘heart-attack-on-a-plate’ sammiches, please consider who would be able to help him heal, even critical wounds, I can even help with years of deep fried guilt. There may be a time when she is very thankful for who and what I am. The only thing I’ll ever be thankful to her for is Hoyt, for which I’m very grateful, but that doesn’t mean she can bad mouth me in the pages of this paper!

Sanguinely Yours,

Jessica Hamby, Vampire

(Header Graphic:  Kasandra Rose)

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