The Journal of Eric Northman – Edelweiss

July 30, 2010 by  

I think it is Monday but when you have seen over a thousand summers, time and dates have little meaning.  Since the Great Revelation there have been many things that deserved preservation for the sake of history but not nearly enough time to suffer the tedium of scribing them onto parchment.  The monotony of existence has gotten even worse with the invention of that vile concoction, True Blood. The elixir that enabled my kindred to emerge from the shadows and live as equals with our food.  Imagine that, being an equal with… mere mortals. Disgusting. I have killed thousands of them during my journey down through the course of history and have become inured to their pathetic little lives. I thought I had stomped out all sense of humanity, all interest in humanity, until recently when Bill Compton started dating that mind reader, Sookie Stackhouse.

When I first met her she was so brash and fiery that she reminded me of Pam.  I was amused by her sense of entitlement at first,  but when Bill killed another vampire to save this mouthy human, I decided to take a closer look.  There was something about Sookie that drew me to her.  I cannot put my finger on it.  When we were attacked by the suicide bomber from the Fellowship, I thought it would be amusing to trick Sookie into sucking the silver from my body and with it my blood thus binding her to me.  The fact that this would annoy Bill was just an added bonus to the charade.  But then when Sookie got close to me, I found the scent of her blood… intoxicating. The smell of her lingers in my memory; it recalls fields of the elusive edelweiss and the long, lazy, misspent summer days of my unbridled youth. Her every warm touch against my cold skin was exquisite. I knew then that I had to have her blood and her body.  Given my disdain for humans, this issue is vexing but time is on my side.

On another note, Bill Compton is in Jackson with Russell Edgington and his maker LorenaRussell has wanted to take over Sophie Ann‘s dominion for a long time.  Being a survivor, I was going to let the dust settle to see who I would be answering to.  But when the magister got involved and threatened my child Pam, I had no choice but to go to Mississippi and sink deeper into vampire politics which I wholeheartedly despise.  During a tour of Russell’s estate, I found my father’s crown prominently displayed among his trophies.  I have been searching for my parent’s killer for a millennium and it turns out he has been hiding in plain sight the entire time.  Russell is 3000 years old and will not be easy to kill.  But make no mistake, I will extract my revenge on His Royal Highness and use everything and everyone at my disposal to do so including Ms. Sookie Stackhouse.  I only wish that my maker Godric was here to witness my triumph.  He was not a fan of Edgington’s and my instincts told me the king had some convoluted plan involving the humans Godric came to admire. Now that I know what it is, to domesticate the humans, I myself am rather disinterested but I know that Godric at the end of his days would not have approved. Perhaps derailing the King’s plan may have given him a reason to stay longer upon the Earth, to not to leave me here without him.  Alone. Times like these are when I miss him most.

This column is a parody of the Gothic fantasy series, True Blood, and as such, is presented here for your amusement. “The Journal” and the various writers that contribute to it, have no relationship/affiliation to HBO, True Blood, or any of the cast or crew of said nor any relation to Charlaine HarrisSookie Stackhouse novels.

Header credit: K. S. Rose

Co-Authored by K. S. Rose and Jim Gash

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  • Aengus

    Exact not extract….good though. Feels true to the spirit of the character.

  • Teckiejim

    Eric is a complex character and can be described in many ways. The books and the series both depict him as being extremely intelligent, well read, and very well spoken.

  • B. Kent

    Fangtastic article!!! The author really paints the picture of what Eric would be thinking and how he would express himself. I look forward to seeing what happens between Eric and Russell in the coming episodes.

    (Kudos on your first piece, Jim! -Bren)

  • ~Caitlin

    It would be interesting if Charlaine created a Eric companion book. Although, I prefer Eric’s background in the show to that of the books.

    P.S. Jolin Payen,I do not believe the writing in this journal is beyond the average reader’s comprehension span. Yes, it is different from the books. However, the wording is not impossibly difficult. Sorry, I was just a little offended by some of your statement.

    • jaxx

      Yes, a companion book would be great. Would love to hear what he’s thinking in that head of his.

  • jaxx

    Intersting and very good. Would love to hear Eric’s version of things.

  • Eva

    Must remember the book is written in Sookie’s point of view. So, naturally Sookie won’t use as many complex words. (Not saying she is dumb she just hasn’t been around as long as Eric)

    Really good writing I do hope to see more and I enjoy all of these very much.

  • TBLover

    This was an amazing article and well written. I can actually “hear” Eric’s voice. Gave me goose bumps. And as for the comment about the average average Charlaine Harris reader? Read all the books and this was not too complex to me honestly 🙂 . Also, Eric is portrayed as highly intelligent on the show…which the writer aced hands down and there’s nothing wrong with looking words up in a dictionary. Hope to see more!

  • VikingBabe

    I always feel it is great to have to get out a dictionary and learn new words. That this is how we grow and expand our vocabulary . I really liked the post, great job!

  • AmaZen

    Very good – well written. Would love to see this become a regular feature!

  • Jolin Payne

    Well written but the wording in this piece is too complex with the average Charlaine Harris reader. Please compare to the wording within her books, and bat for the similar audience would be my advice,sorry just a fact.

    • KS Rose

      I restored one comment about the piece which was slightly critical. There is nothing wrong with criticizing any writing OR any performance on the show or on this site. There is something wrong with doing it rudely. The original comment was not rude although some of the responses I don’t believe are totally acceptable.

      As to not matching the voice in the books, this is a site based on the TV series and not on the books. We do not strive to echo the books at all. We allow them to be discussed because they are of interest to the fans but the books have nothing at all to do with the site.

      I give final approval for all articles and will accept all responsibilities for flaws, if there are any. One must remember that just because any person doesn’t like it, it is only their opinion and personal tastes and that’s fine.

      I have not restored another commentor’s remarks nor will I because they were beyond mere opinion and into attacking and rudeness and we will not allow that on this site. That goes both ways. If you disagree with someone who doesn’t like something here, do it respectfully. I appreciate that we have some very enthusiastic readers and fans but I will not allow this to devolve to a Facebook style spitting fight. Further I will remind everyone that this is the FANGTASY section. These articles are parodies not reproductions.

      • Jolin Payne

        My critiquing of this piece was only meant as one readers opinion and ways I felt to better improve each article. I have read many fantasy pieces here which were entertaining and very enjoyable which made me laugh. This one particular piece I said was well written but felt the caliber of some of the wording may have been a bit advanced for some of the typical Charlaine Harris/True Blood followers. I understand this is not always the case but I felt it should be remembered these are mass market paperback books and a series suited to a general audience. The majority of Americans do not have a bachelors degree and while Eric may be worldly and well spoken, what is the point of producing a piece which cannot appease a broad public. Yes, I could understand the article, I was only thinking of others before I was so harshly attacked for forming an opinion. I would like to thank you for writing me personally and validating that there was in fact nothing wrong with my original post. I’m sorry if others do not seem to bare positive or creative criticism. I have reconsidered as you asked and will continue to come to your site.

        -Jolin