True Blood’s Craziest Sex Techniques

September 10, 2010 by  

True Blood’s Crazy Sex Scenes:

There are plenty of reasons for fans to love True Blood, but there is one that makes us keep coming back for more. The outrageous sex scenes and frequent nudity the vampire series throws at viewers, while are great for vampires, aren’t meant for mere mortals. Let’s take a trip down memory lane to see the top 8 sex scenes fans at home shouldn’t do.

December-May Relationship?

1. What do you (a sexy a affluent older woman) do when a naked teenager is robbing your house? Call the police? Throw something at him? In Maryann’s case when she catches Sam in her home grabbing at her belongings, the logical thing for her to do is to sleep with him. No home burglary should end with sexy time, especially when the burglar (like Sam) is 17! In real life, Maryann would probably lose her valuables and her freedom when she’s charged with statutory rape.

Gives Playing in the Dirt a New Meaning

2. One of the earliest scenes that told fans True Blood wasn’t your average brooding vampire show was the sex scene between Bill and Sookie in the dirt. Remember that one? Sookie thinks Bill’s dead and goes to his grave with flowers and finds Bill is alive. Rather than spend time frightened at the fact her boyfriend has jumped out of the ground like a zombie, they instead celebrate their reunion by rolling around in the dirt. Now as hot as this scene was, in the back of our heads we’re all thinking the same thing: how unsanitary. In the end this little sex frolic will cost mortals cuts and scrapes, UTI’s, and trouble with the law for public indecency.

All  Night Long

3. If you saw the pre-webisodes that got fans ready for Season 3, then you know everyone wanted a piece of the newest dancer Yvetta. This beautiful woman caught the eye of Eric Northman and her new job came with a lot of perks. Such as? Well, though fans only catch the end tail of their sex session, Eric prides himself in telling Sookie that he’s been with Yvetta for hours upon hours. Great for Eric, but what about Yvetta? For this mortal, she’s going to have to deal with dehydration, muscle cramps, and painful chafing. None of this sounds very attractive. As hot as Eric is, do we really want to endure that much uncomfortableness?

Hard to Watch

4. The worse thing about the sex scenes between Tara and Franklin was that it was clearly rape; Franklin was crazy and kidnapped Tara, forcing her to join him against her will. If this had been consensual, then the worst moment between their lovemaking would have to be Tara’s love bite. While we understand Tara’s motives, the way she tore into Franklin’s flesh was far from sexy and fans may not want to try it at home. Aside from being a mood killer, there’s danger of bleeding out, scarring, and choking on your partner’s blood.

Bloody Hell

5. Once again, Bill finds himself in a mess; it seems this Southern gentleman likes to have dirty sex. First we see him with Sookie in the dirt and then we see him with Lorena in a bed soaked in blood and two bodies they’ve just drained. Lorena and Bill make friends with a 1920s couple, seduce them, kill the man and bite the girl only to then have sex, while the girl bleeds out underneath them. Aside from getting a blood born disease, you’ll have crippling guilt over your monstrous actions while you’re behind bars, since you’ll be arrested soon after your pleasure act.

Getting Pinned

6. Something tells fans that sex with Eric will always be complicated. Talbot sure found that out the hard way. Everyone it seems, but Talbot and Russell, knew Eric’s interest in them was a little suspicious. So when Eric volunteers to keep Talbot company, fans all uttered uh oh at the same time. While we all knew Eric would stake Talbot while taking him from behind, we do wish it hadn’t ended so abruptly. For this sex scene, your looking at some tough fabric stains, but not to worry depending on your role in the act you’ll either be arrested or dead.

Another No-No

7. While sex between Tara and Sam is pretty tamed compared to what’s going on around them, it’s still a big no no. The emotions behind it have always been loneliness and grief, which are not very sexy. The worst part is that Sam is Tara’s boss and it’s always a bad idea to sleep with your boss. Add to it that both Sam and Tara have issues with alcohol, sex between them will only cause feelings of unease the next day as well as unemployment, a sexual harassment suit, and cirrhosis.

Twisted Indeed

8. When Bill and Lorena are together, logic and calm are thrown out the window and fans are sucked into crazy town. When Bill is enraged after realizing that Lorena’s meddling may cause him to never see Sookie ever again, Bill expresses his anger by having sex with her. Wait, what? Disgusted with her face, Bill twists Lorena’s head 180 degrees and continues to sexually release his anger. Hazard? We’ll let you figure that one out.

There are plenty of crazy sex scenes on the HBO series; it makes a great excuse to re-watch all three seasons with friends and discover all the sex scenes (while hot) would be hazardous to the mere mortal.

Source:–Eight True Blood Sex Scenes You Shouldn’t Try at Home

(Photo Credit: HBO Inc.)