True Blood’s Fashion Critiqued

September 6, 2011 by  

Check Out Bon Temps’ Most Fashionable Inhabitants:

The vampires of True Blood by Art Streiber/HBOThe Fug Girls rated Louisiana’s craziest town not on the vampire to human ratio or the number of werewolves per pack, but on its fashion sense. Since Bon Temps didn’t do too hot, I guess it makes sense that while the whole town is fighting witches and being terrified of being eaten by vampires, fashion doesn’t seem to be at the top of the necessities list. As Lafayette would say, bitch please. Ten is the best score and one is the worst score.

Sookie Stackhouse: 5

A girl cannot live on tiny frocks and booty shorts alone. We suggest Sookie Netflix the middle seasons of Buffy to learn how to incorporate more vampire-friendly separates into her wardrobe. As if she didn’t have enough to do — being the possessor of magical blood, and the beloved of nearly every supernatural man-creature within thirty miles – Sookie also sometimes has to, gasp, wait tables.

Bill Compton: 6

We are amused by Bill going full Men’s Warehouse on us, but… seriously, dude? A pinky ring? Leave Joe Pesci in My Cousin Vinny where he belongs.

Eric Northman: 4

He has spent this entire season dressed like he’s frozen in time as a college student shuffling to the dorm showers. Pull it together, dude, or at least invest in a hoodie with sleeves.

Pam de Beaufort: 9

Pam is perhaps the only person in the Bon Temps area who cares what she’s wearing. And, as such, she’s never met a dubious trend she didn’t try to resurrect (a Juicy sweat suit? Really?), which we imagine is because a century of shopping gets pretty boring after a while. Hello, the woman managed to pull off a red sequined jumpsuit last seen on the set of Dynasty, and she actually cares when viscera lands on her shoes.

Jason Stackhouse: 7

Naked man-abs are awfully effective when it comes to the ladies, which is generally his driving concern in life. When he’s not looking totally CHiPs in his snug police uniform and aviators, Jason wears solely jeans and T-shirts. And sometimes not even the T-shirts. Nor the jeans. (We’re not complaining.)

Tara Thornton: 5

Like Sookie, Tara could benefit from mixing it up on occasion. Bonus points, though, for being smart enough to always wear something she can run in, given that she tends to get kidnapped or held hostage, like, a lot. In fact, we should’ve listed that as one of her hobbies.

Sam Merlotte: 6

We appreciate a man who can rock a good pair of jeans, and indeed, along with a plaid shirt, that is basically all Sam wears. Except for when he’s a dog, at which point his lumberjack couture is too constricting. We like Sam’s Regular Guy look, but points off for the fact that you just know his clothes are mega-funky, given how he’s always taking them off in the woods and leaving them in the dirt while he turns into some animal or another. At least invest in a gym bag or some potpourri sachets.

Alcide Herveaux: 10

We don’t know what he does when he’s not walking around shirtless, and nor do we care. His abs? Don’t mess with perfection.

Jessica Hamby: 7

Any sundress in a ten-mile radius not in Sookie’s closet must therefore be found in Jessica’s. Her girlish aesthetic is totally appropriate given that she’s the vampire equivalent of a college freshman. This current season has seen her get a little, er, nastier, and with that, we’ve seen Jessica’s wardrobe swing slightly sexier — but only slightly. Most of the time, she could still pop into a sorority meeting without anyone batting an eye.

Hoyt Fortenberry: 4

Well, right now he’s depressed, so it’s mostly boxers in front of the TV. The rest of the time, Hoyt looks like he tripped and fell into the Old Navy warehouse. Poor Hoyt. Someone’s going to need to take this boy out for the time-honored post-break-up makeover and spruce him up a little.

Lafayette Reynolds: 8

Lafayette never met a head scarf he didn’t embrace. He may also be the only man in Bon Temps who’s familiar with the concept of premium denim. Yes, Lafayette is a campy, over-the-top dresser, but at least he commits. And he never makes us sad, even when he’s incubating the soul of a dead woman who may or may not be a demon baby-stealer, which is no small feat.

Arlene Fowler: 3

Oh, honey. We know your son might be possessed by an evil spirit (or something?) but there’s no excuse for that hair. Call Miss Clairol and make an appointment to return to planet Earth.

Maxine Fortenberry: 2

Maxine depends completely on the power of a well-deployed muumuu. In the absence of a muumuu, a housecoat is acceptable. Often accessorized by hair curlers. If it’s true that you only look as good as you feel, then Mrs. Fortenberry must feel terrible.

Source: Vulture – The Fug Girls Rate the True Blood Characters’ Fashion Sense

(Photo: Art Streiber/HBO)

 

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